New-boyfriend-going-with-my-child-and-me Situation!

[Briar Wood]

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on ways to prepare and ideas once we are at the World. My daughter (9-1/2) and I have gone to Disney alone together twice, when she turned 3, and 8. I've become serious with someone who I'm bringing with us--never brought a boyfriend with us on vacation before. He's never been to Disney. We've been seeing each other for 10 months, and while she likes him very much, there is a jealousy/attnetion issue that pops up from time to time, as she adjusts.

Two ideas I have had so far are:

1) Saying to her that she and I know the ropes and so "we" will be showing/teaching him about Disney, and making plans of how to make it special for him.

2) That when there are 2-seater rides, he and I will take turns sitting with her, so that she always has someone to sit with, and he and I are the lucky ones when it is our turn to sit with her.

Any other ideas would be most appreciated!

Thanks!

BW

 

[BounceyOne]

This may be a personal question, but what will the sleeping arrangements be? I think mostly everything else can be worked out pretty easily, this seems to be the touchy area. I remember being 9 and she was MY mother not yours.

Also maybe have a plan that everyone takes turns picking what to do, so she doesn't feel like 'he' is picking everything or that you only want to do that because of 'him'. If you say in advance who gets to pick next it might help.

Other then that, its Disney, have a great trip.

 

[Briar Wood]

Hi,

Yeah you're absolutely right! It's funny, after I pressed the Post button, I thought Oh, I forgot to mention the sleeping arrangements issue. I went to post a P.S. (Post Script--not Priority Seating!LOL) about that and then my computer slowed down, and I figured I'll just add it later. I'm glad you brought that up.

We're staying in a Ft. Wilderness Cabin, and already my daughter has said that she wants to sleep with me, and I tried to tell her that she'd be in the bunk bed, and he and I would be in the bed-bed, but she'll have none of that. I tried to prepare him that maybe we'll take turns? Maybe the nights, she sleeps with me, he and I will hang out in the livingroom Murphy bed while she's sleeping and then I'll sneak in her bed later? But then again, I remember the past couple of times at Disney with her--I was too wiped out to stay up longer than her!



BW

PS Regarding taking turns picking things: I gave us each an assignment. He was in charge of picking the accomodations, which he did. I'm in charge of picking the restaurants and making the PS's (Priority Seating, not Post Script! LOL I'm in a silly mood); and my DD is in charge of picking which rides we go on when. I made out a schedule of which parks we are going to on which days, and with that as a guideline, she gets to pick the rides and order of rides. Of course I'm sure I'll add my requests and suggestions here and there, but I figured that would give her a lot of power!

 

[tmfranlk]

My situation is not really the same, but I'll give you my ideas anyway. For the last two years, I have taken my now 6yo sister to WDW, just the two of us (I'm 26). In Dec. she and I decided to take my mom as a Christmas surprise. Now my grandma and cousin (also 6yo) will be joining us. She is very excited to take them, but every once in awhile realizes that there are advantages (read: more money spent on her, one on one attention, no sharing big sis, always getting to do what she wants, etc) to going with just the two of us.

What I have done is talk with her much like your idea #1. She knows that she is the expert here and that she will be showing everyone else all of the cool things to do (grandma and cousin have never been, mom hasn't been since MGM had just opened with few things to do). She helped me pick the resort and has picked the restaurants that she wants to show to everyone else. While we are at the parks, I am going to encourage her to be the "tour guide" or sorts, and "showing off" her Disney knowledge.

(Of course, now this is all preparation for the next trip as I am pregnant. I think a lot of family members are worried that my having a baby will be harder on her than if my mom did, but I digress.)

One other suggestion I have is to plan a time to spend some special time with just your DD. Maybe the two of you could go to the GF Tea or spend a couple of hours doing your favorite things. Your boyfriend could catch a nap or take a quick swim. If she's up for it, maybe your boyfriend could do the same. Send just the two of them off for a couple of hours and let her share some special time with him.

Have a grea time!

 

[Briar Wood]

Thanks! That's a great idea, just the two of us, and just the two of them. I have already made arrangements for her to do the Grand Adventures kid's thing to insure the only one-one time my BF and I will have.

Now I will look at our schedule and see where I can plan the other two times (She and I, and she and him.) We have the morning and early afternoon free on Dec. 31st (staying out of the parks that day). Maybe I can schedule one then...

On 1/1, we're spending the evening back at the resort...that can be 1-on-1 #2!

Now for some activity ideas...

BW

 

[MrsPete]

I wouldn't mention the sleeping arrangements thing except that someone else brought it up already . . .

If you do this, how are you going to tell her not to sleep around when she's 16? (No, I'm not saying that you're sleeping around --obviously, I don't know you -- but when she's a teenager she will see this as "permission".) Personally, I believe in the biblical sleeping-together-is-for-marriage-only ideal, but I think that even people who don't agree would say that single parents should exercise HUGE caution in this particular area.

 

[WDW2002]

I had a very bad situation with my one and only BF since my divorce. So when I hear about single mothers and boyfriends, it is hard for me. My advice is to be very open to how your daughter feels about everything. How does she feel about your BF going with you on your vacation? Have you asked her, how she feels about it?


When it comes to rides, I would give HER the choice of sitting with you, him, or alone. I would hate to make a child think they HAD to do something they didn't want to.

As for the sleeping arangement...this is a tough situation. Has he ever stayed over at home? If he has how does your daughter feel about this?

 

[Pete's Mom]

Originally posted by MrsPete
I wouldn't mention the sleeping arrangements thing except that someone else brought it up already . . .

If you do this, how are you going to tell her not to sleep around when she's 16? (No, I'm not saying that you're sleeping around --obviously, I don't know you -- but when she's a teenager she will see this as "permission".) Personally, I believe in the biblical sleeping-together-is-for-marriage-only ideal, but I think that even people who don't agree would say that single parents should exercise HUGE caution in this particular area.

I'm with Mrs. Pete on this one. My son will be 6 next month and I have just started dating after being divorced for 5 years. I have met a wonderful man who has custody of his 6 year old son as well and we both agree "sleep overs" are a big no no as we both know that this would only confuse and hurt our children. When the 4 of us get together, I am Pete's Mom and he is John's Dad. We have our boyfriend/girlfriend time when our children are with our ex's and this makes everyone (including our ex's) more comfortable.

I think that this whole trip is a huge new scary experience for her and she is probably feeling very uncomfortable and a little intimidated with the whole situation. Don't you think you and your boyfriend could go a few nights not "sneaking" around for her sake? Imagine how all of you would feel if she woke up, found you not there with her like you promised, and then stumbles in to see you both?

Ditto what WDW2002 about giving her a choice on who to ride with. As a child who had 4 step dads by the time I was 18, I speak from experience.

 

[hallie]

When it comes to rides, I would give HER the choice of sitting with you, him, or alone. I would hate to make a child think they HAD to do something they didn't want to.

I agree, I would definitely let her choose.

As far as the sleeping thing, if she wants to sleep with you, I'd let her. There are plenty of nights in the future for you and your BF to sleep together if it's meant to be. She's only little once and if it makes her happy and more importantly, feel safe and secure to sleep with you, then I think your BF should take the bunk beds.

 

[susy]

If you all are not large people there are lots of things you can all ride together. I would explain to her in advance that you will all take turns riding with each other.

About the sleeping- I would just sleep with her- and let him sleep alone. If this is the reason you got the cabin- perhaps you can switch to a nicer resort with two queen beds. She might freak out if she sees you in the same bed together( even just sleeping)-she may just clam up and not tell you what she is feeling.

By the way, when we stayed at AKL, my dh and son slept together one night and I slept in the bottom bunk- it was very comfortable. good luck!

 

[Jordan's MOM]

I think you need to have a long talk with your boyfriend about this trip. If he does not have children, and has not been around your daughter on a daily basis, he may well have no idea what to expect on a family vacation. He may be expecting a romantic get- way and that is not going to happen with a 9 year old along. If HE is jellous or resentful of your daughter it could create problems for everyone.

I agree that she has to come first and I agree very strongly that you should not sleep with him in front of her.

I do think that maybe you should reconsider giving her total control over what rides you do and in what order. For one things kids tend to want to run all over the park without direction and it waste a lot of time. Another thought is if she is not happy with your boyfriend situation she might just avoid any rides that you or he might really want to do. Just another something to think about.

This vacation could work and be a wonderful bonding process for all of you but I too think you must be very careful and cautious.

jordan's mom

 

[DisneyPhD]

I agree with Petesmom. It is much easier on children when bedsharing is saved for marriage. It is easier to explain, understand and accept when they know the wedding is coming, what to expect and have a date when things "change".

Have a great trip, this can be a good bonding expernce for you, you boyfriend and daughter, but let her know, she always comes first.

The bond between a signle parent and child can be very close. Welcoming others into it can be difficult. (Even if it is in the best interest for the parent and child.)

BTW is this boyfriend someone you see possibly becoming a step father to her or a perminate part of your lives? If not you may not want to include him at this time. (sorry if that is too personal or too late of an option at this time!)

 

[luv2nascar]

I agree with everyone's advise
It all seems wise
I would definitely put her feelings before his
Sleeping arrangements for me would not even be a question
I would be sleeping in a bed with my daughter & he would be in a separate room or couch
I would definitely arrange some mommy & daughter time as he is the one intruding on what she was used to
let him sleep in one morning & enjoy a princess breakfast just the two of you or a shopping trip for just the girls
I also agree maybe this was not the best decision to take him unless the relationship is at a very serious point
at 9 1/2 she is fragile and learning from you
use caution

 

[Briar Wood]

Hi,

I didn't realize I had so many more replies!

As far as my situation with my boyfriend, next month will be a year that we have been together. He sleeps over on Wednesday and Friday nights. He's the first boyfriend who is coming on vacation with us; he is someone I see possibly becoming a step-father to her.

I suggested that he take her for a day on his own--he took her to a museum--and since then they have bonded. He recently took her on another quick one-on-one trip to another museum.

On Monday nights, he comes up and takes us both out for dinner. It has become a weekly ritual, and they joke and have fun together.

Last month I invited him to her school play which was during school hours, and he took off from work to be there. (My daughter's father is in the picture, and the three of us sat together.)

I know that she still is not happy about him sleeping over twice a week, but is adjusting. Thanks for your advice about sleeping with her on the vacation, and about letting her choose who she wants to sit with on each ride.

BW

 

[kasar]

I may get flack for this, but it seems that a nine year old little girl should not be spending such intimate moments with an unrelated adult man. Call me crazy, but isn't this how horrible situations occur? I'm sure your boyfriend is not like that but, unfortunately crazy things go on in this world. IMO, you should consider getting adjoining but separate rooms for privacy. Or you should plan one trip with your daughter and another with your boyfriend. Just an opinion from an overprotective mother of 2 girls.

 

[Briar Wood]

I know how you feel; I'm overprotective too. But we're not all sleeping in the same bed! Anyway, since I last posted, the three of us have worked it out so that they are both happy. She will sleep with me every night in the Murphy bed in the livingroom (she also wants to spend a night in the bunkbed above me LOL), and he is happy to have the bedroom bed.

Thanks for your input, everyone!

BW

 

[Gillian]

Sounds like a good plan! The thing I like about advice is that you can hear a whole bunch of opinions & then figure out what you think will work for you When you come home, please let us know how it went!

Now have you figured out who is in charge of the TV?

 

[Briar Wood]

LOL! Well, that's the beauty of the situation! My daughter gets me, my boyfriend gets the bedroom bed, and as it turns out the one TV is in the livingroom, which I'll have by agreeing to sleep in the Murphy bed!

Thanks for your suggestions. I'll give you a report when we get back!

BW

 

[vicb]

I'm glad to see this post stayed civilized and helpful for Briar Wood, not judgemental. It sounds like you have worked a good arrangement for everyone. I hope you have a wonderful trip.

 

[Briar Wood]

Hi All,

Wanted to get back to you and let you know how things went.

My daughter and I slept in the Murphy bed in the livingroom, and my BF had the bedroom, and it was very nice for everyone!

I made sure to keep a sense of when my daughter was feeling left out, to remedy the situation immediately, and it felt like the three of us grew together!

We also dealt very smoothly with an unexpected crisis! My daughter came down with a 24-hour stomach virus, and I caught it two nights later! We actually missed our Cindy's breakfast because of mine My BF took my daughter for breakfast at the Trail's End buffet while I was recuperating, and as they arrived back, I heard them joking and laughing together.

Then we continued on with our vacation!

Thanks for all of your help!

BW
PS If you have any questions trip-wise (want suggestions or opinions since I was just there) feel free to ask!