Need help please, convincing DH to be more positive...

[bangzoom6877]

I was wondering if anyone else has had the same experience as me. DH gets excited about family vacations. Our older son is 3 and a half, and the little one is going on 15 months next week. Since we had our older one, we have been on 4 different vacations. The first was when he was 15 months old, to Niagara Falls, and it went okay except he was impossible one night at dinner in a restaurant. DH panicked, and the first thing he said was "We gotta stop going out to eat with this kid." DS was fine the rest of the trip and DH loved that trip overall and did not complain about anything else.

The second trip was when our older son was 18 months. We took an 8-night cruise (no flying necessary). DH complained the entire time that he was not relaxing enough, that it was too hard to chase after DS, that it was too hard bringing a baby on a cruise that is still in diapers. He said, "we're not doing this again until we have kids out of diapers." And that was that. No more cruises with kids in diapers for us. He seemed miserable most of that trip, even though we were with a group of 20 people. I'm not saying that he had no fun at all, it's just that he was very unhappy much of the time because he said he felt like he couldn't relax.

The third trip was last summer, a small one, 2 nights, to Lancaster, PA. Our older one was 2 and a half and the little one was 3 months old. DH was okay on that trip, but it was a huge fight to get him to go in the first place and he complained about all the work it was going to be with a baby and toddler.

The last trip was just recently. We did a 2-week road trip to Florida, which included WDW. We had a great time, but the infamous words came out, "We're not doing this again until..." This time it was "We're not doing this again until they're 4 and 6." He wants the baby to be potty-trained when we go again. Funny thing is, I diapered the baby every single time in the theme parks! So now the rule is, no cruise, no Disney, no big vacations until they are 4 and 6. He seemed fine on the trip. Then we come home and he complains to me that it was too much work and it will get much easier when they are older. I think it would be the opposite and they will be more defiant as they get older, which would be age appropriate. He disagrees and wants to do a small cheap 3-day "vacation" next summer, and we are off all summer because we are teachers!

Does anyone else deal with anything like this? Is there any way possible that I could convince DH to be more positive instead of focusing on the negative? I am afraid he will come to regret it, that he wished them to be older so he could enjoy different things with them, and miss the joy of them being so young. Or am I acting like a spoiled brat who thinks her family deserves a nice vacation at least? I'm not talking a $4,000 vacation every year, just something fun for everyone! HELP!!

 

[bangzoom6877]

Anyone?

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I don't know how much I can help but I do want to let you know that you are not alone. My DH does expect his time to be relaxing and many times acts like I just brought in 3 neighbor kids to take care of. He can't get it through his head that even when the kids act up they are still his kids.

 

[bangzoom6877]

I don't know how much I can help but I do want to let you know that you are not alone. My DH does expect his time to be relaxing and many times acts like I just brought in 3 neighbor kids to take care of. He can't get it through his head that even when the kids act up they are still his kids.

Thank you so much. I knew I was not alone but it is great to hear it from someone. DH usually is the most wonderful guy...he helps so much around the house and with the kids and is great with them. But he just gets into these moods sometimes where he seems to not want to make a slight effort to have a ton of fun! It's kind of depressing since before this trip (just a few weeks ago), we were talking with my parents and sister (who has 2 girls ages 5 and 7) about going altogether in 2 years from now, and now he insists on 3 years! They missed us so much on this trip that they were trying to convince us to take a cruise with them next summer and my sister and mom even offered to diaper the baby! I would never let them though! But he is adamant and said no, and I told them not to even bother asking because I don't want him to go just to shut me up and then me miserable and have a terrible time. To me that's not a solution either.

I tried talking to him yesterday and now he is convinced that I just think he is overall a miserable person. I told him that he should pick our next vacation. I put a lot of effort into planning our vacations and finding out lots of info to make it less stressful, and I feel like he doesn't even enjoy it half the time. So I told him to decide and then I will still do the planning for whatever he chooses, since I know he is not into that. I waited until today to tell him that, and he seemed fine with it. I don't know though...maybe it will work if we go where he initially wants to go? Even though he seemed so excited about this last trip!

 

[spectrecat]

Hi! No real suggestions, but I can sort of commiserate. Well, my dh has actually been more confident about taking out little ones on vacation because we've been doing it a lot....but when it comes to a Disney trip, he pooh-poohs everything.

For a Disney trip, he wants our boys (31 months and 11 months) to be older- old enough to possibly remember the trip. He also just wants to go elsewhere since we did a trip to WDW with other family 2 years ago when ds1 was about 7 months old. Last spring, we actually talked about a fall trip this year before ds1 turns 3, but a few weeks later, he had changed his mind because it's so expensive to stay there, so expensive to fly (or put up with driving for 20ish hours). I've just recently started talking about a trip in fall of '09, and he's on board with the idea....for now.

Maybe waiting is an okay idea. A lot of people won't consider taking little ones on big trips (Disney style) because they are often just as happy going to Grandma's house. KWIM? Maybe you could go on 2 short trips next summer instead. Let him pick one location and you pick the other (or decide together.)

I don't know if it's an option, but we're probably going to bring my mom on our Disney trip because she's so much help. That allows my dh to relax a lot....I'm less stressed becaue my mom is helping me, and that's just less stress overall for dh to deal with as well.

GL! You're not alone!

 

[bangzoom6877]

I wouldn't mind 2 short trips, but I think he is set on one short trip so I don't think I will have much choice. I did originally suggest something less expensive and good for little ones...driving to Lancaster, PA (we live in NYC) and going to Dutch Wonderland and Hersheypark (very kid-friendly, and they will be 2 and 4 next summer), staying for 4 nights, then going to Sesame Place and staying over there for one night. So a 5-night trip, not too far away, not too expensive, fun for the kids. He actually thinks they may be too little next year for Sesame Place, but I think they would love it! I don't know...

As far as going with other relatives, yes it is always an option but does not change his attitude. And like I said, he normally is very helpful, a wonderful husband and dad. Just seems to get so stressed about vacations...it seems almost as if he is trying to prove to me that I can survive without an annual vacation! I don't know!

 

[bangzoom6877]

Oh and I forgot to add...this is the same man who during this trip (we were in Boca Raton Florida a few days before Disney) was trying to convince me that when the boys are in late elementary school we should go away for a month on a road trip across-country! Could you believe it is the same person?!

 

[DevilDuckie]

I think the fundamental problem here is that you want to convince him that he will enjoy something he clearly doesn't enjoy. If he's not going to have a good time, let him stay home. HusbandMan and I have determined that some trips are simply not his thing, so he doesn't go. Doesn't mean I don't take our boy, just that we go without him. In my ideal world he'd have been excited about our trip to Graceland last year but since the two week car trip did NOT appeal and the destination wasn't much better for him, he stayed home.

If you want to take tiny children to Disney, do it! If he doesn't, let him stay home and do something more relaxing. I'm all about taking little people to Disney but it is NOT restful!

 

[jadedbeauty14304]

Maybe try to have a little getaway with just you and DH without the children. Stay a night or two somewhere romantic, to turn him around on vacations, and give him a little bit of relaxation downtime. Just a suggestion.

 

[minkydog]

He seemed fine on the trip. Then we come home and he complains to me that it was too much work and it will get much easier when they are older. I think it would be the opposite and they will be more defiant as they get older, which would be age appropriate. He disagrees and wants to do a small cheap 3-day "vacation" next summer, and we are off all summer because we are teachers!

Does anyone else deal with anything like this? Is there any way possible that I could convince DH to be more positive instead of focusing on the negative? I am afraid he will come to regret it, that he wished them to be older so he could enjoy different things with them, and miss the joy of them being so young. Or am I acting like a spoiled brat who thinks her family deserves a nice vacation at least? I'm not talking a $4,000 vacation every year, just something fun for everyone! HELP!!

No you're not being a brat, you just have different ideas of what constitutes a great vacation. Honestly? I agree with your husband. I hated vacationing with my kids when they were little--It was a lot of work and I couldn't relax at all. I have found it much more fun to take big vacations with them as older kids.

Why not try it his way next summer and see how things go? We did that for several years, just little 3-4 day weekends, until the kids were easier to travel with. I have to tell you, it's a real blessing to go with little people who don't need diapers & sippy cups and can wait more than 5 minutes for their food to arrive. 'Course, they're more expensive now (21,15,& 13)

 

[Jill in Chicago]

I have to be very honest. I always found vacations when the kids were little exhausting. The only time I was able to relax was when they were napping. It was also harder being in different locations because at least at home I knew things were child proofed. I felt like all I did was run after them.

All of that said, please don't think I didn't enjoy my children when they were little. I truly did, BUT I enjoyed them more at my own home then on outings, vacations, or visits to other homes that were not used to children.

I found you had to be "on alert" at all times just to make sure the little guys were safe, not eating junk off the floor, not reaching things I would have put higher at home, not wandering off where I couldn't see them....

I also want to assure you that traveling with kids does get better as they get older. We just took our youngest, a 14 year old boy, to Disney and had the time of our lives. We were able to truly enjoy and investigate Epcot. Standing in lines was enjoyable as we chatted and joked, and when we got drenched in a downpour while at AK and then got even wetter on the water ride we all laughed. I didn't have sobbing, little children cold and scared. I had a 14 year old who could see the humor in the whole situation.

You cannot change your DH. He simply sounds like me and he's not able to relax with little ones when he is away from home. This is the same reason we rented a house on our last Disney trip. Otherwise I am paranoid about OTHER people's unattended children at the pool and I can't relax. Here I am a mother of a 14 year old and a 19 year old and I'm still looking out for the little ones. LOL!!

 

[bangzoom6877]

Maybe try to have a little getaway with just you and DH without the children. Stay a night or two somewhere romantic, to turn him around on vacations, and give him a little bit of relaxation downtime. Just a suggestion.

I understand your point, but this is not an option for us. Both of us agree that we don't want to take a getaway without the kids until they are much older. Also, there is no one I would trust to leave them with. Only my parents and sister are the people we trust. My mom watches the baby while we work and my older son before school in the morning, so I never ask her to take them extra time or overnight. My sister will watch them for the 2 of us to go out occasionally, but not overnight. There is no one else we trust for overnight.

 

[bangzoom6877]

I have to be very honest. I always found vacations when the kids were little exhausting. The only time I was able to relax was when they were napping. It was also harder being in different locations because at least at home I knew things were child proofed. I felt like all I did was run after them.

All of that said, please don't think I didn't enjoy my children when they were little. I truly did, BUT I enjoyed them more at my own home then on outings, vacations, or visits to other homes that were not used to children.

I found you had to be "on alert" at all times just to make sure the little guys were safe, not eating junk off the floor, not reaching things I would have put higher at home, not wandering off where I couldn't see them....

I also want to assure you that traveling with kids does get better as they get older. We just took our youngest, a 14 year old boy, to Disney and had the time of our lives. We were able to truly enjoy and investigate Epcot. Standing in lines was enjoyable as we chatted and joked, and when we got drenched in a downpour while at AK and then got even wetter on the water ride we all laughed. I didn't have sobbing, little children cold and scared. I had a 14 year old who could see the humor in the whole situation.

You cannot change your DH. He simply sounds like me and he's not able to relax with little ones when he is away from home. This is the same reason we rented a house on our last Disney trip. Otherwise I am paranoid about OTHER people's unattended children at the pool and I can't relax. Here I am a mother of a 14 year old and a 19 year old and I'm still looking out for the little ones. LOL!!

Yes, you sound exactly like my DH, and it is a relief to know that you still enjoyed them when they were little. I understand your point, it is definitely easier at home. I guess I am willing more than he is to sacrifice that in order to have fun on vacation.

We actually ran into a family of 4, with kids around ages 9 and 11 or so (at our hotel) and they commented on how easy it used to be...so I said to the father, "It gets easier as the get older, right?" to which he replied, "You keep tellin' yourself that!"

I don't know...I guess it depends on how you look at it. DH also does not like running after DS1 in a hotel room because he touches everything he can, which is pretty much everything in a hotel room because like you said, it's not child-proofed. He definitely stresses about this more than I do though, and I definitely stressed more with the older one but now that it is my second baby, I guess I have come to expect it and find it not to be too big a deal anymore. DH is another story. Can't wait until they get older. Me, I love these ages!

 

[AlisonR80]

I think you two need a little vacation with no kids. I also think it isn't the diapers, it's just the stage they are at while still in diapers. They need a lot of attention and it's hard to take care of toddlers away from home when you are in an unfamiliar place that isn't baby-proofed and all the familiars of home are not there. We are just now going on our FIRST family vacation and our oldest is 9.

 

[DISNEYFOS]

I guess I only have experience with vacations with little ones so far.. and I won't argue with your husband that it is more work than say a trip was pre-kids...but I just don't buy into putting your life on hold until they are older/easier..whatever.

There will always be stressors/worries..I think it goes along with parenting.

Who knows what the future holds..Enjoy your children whatever ages they are..rather than waiting for any particular phase (diapers, screaming fits, fresh backtalk..etc. etc.) to pass...there will always be another one to deal with. Just my 2 cents.

 

[dolfinjuls]

No real advice. Just wanted to say they are the perfect age for Sesame Place. They won't be able to do all of the water slides, but there's tons of water areas and shows, characters, parades, etc. Lots of fun for that age!

Edited to add: We've been going for the past 3 years and probably twice a year, so since our oldest was 1.5. She's loved it each and every time we go!

 

[starann]

I have a hubby like yours...maybe they were separated at birth!! LOL! Really though. It is hard for my hubby (who is a great father) when the boys (ages 3 and 4) act up in public. Our 1st WDW trip they were 1.5 and 2.5 (it was a FREE trip with my dad and crew, and had it not been FREE I would ahve never gotten DH to go) and hubby was downright miserable at times. He enjoyed himself but was cranky at others, so I know right where you are coming from.

We are gonig back in Oct and the boys will be almost 5 and almost 4 (which is such a GREAT age, they are SOOOO into it, it is truely magical). This time I have a lot of down time scheduled though to hopefully prevent preschool meltdowns, therefore preventing daddy meltdowns!

I'm not sure where you are located (but I saw you went to Lancaster) but a really nice, nonstressful place to go is Knobels. If you are a camping family, it is a camping place, if not that is fine too, there are hotels not too far away, but there are plenty of little kid rides and the nice thing about it is there is no entry price so you don't have to pay for you and hubby to enter and not really ride any ride (you pay per ride and even those prices are very fair). It's a GREAT place for young families. And it's shady (not as in crooked, but in lots of trees to keep it cool and prevent meltdowns due to heat!).

There is hope!

Star

 

[TheLittleRoo]

No, you are not the only one! My DH is the same way, only his tantrums are downright ridiculous! What's worse, when I'm in charge of the kids, they mind because I am consistent about consequences and warnings. When we're together (DH and I) the kids get away with murder initially b/c DH is trying through gritted teeth to be the 'nice guy' and not always be nipping at them to mind, etc. Then he'll get frustrated with trying to keep them quiet, well-behaved, you know - adult like! Arghhh... We finally agreed this year, he would take some separate time for himself to just stay behind at the pool while I take the kids to the park.

The other thing that frustrates me about going with him, is that I am always on alert, looking for trouble before it gets here - things that will cause either my kids or my DH to have a meltdown. I am always smoothing the way for everyone trying to keep the peace - - it sucks! I wish my DH was more relaxed and could have a good time without the need for silence and structure.

No solutions, but I feel your pain!

 

[proteus]

If you go set in stone with a negative attitude, you wont' have a good time.
Slow down and make an effort to really enjoy what you have, make a promise to do this for an entire day and watch what happens.

As for getting more defiant when they get older, not sure why that is a given.
From my experience if you are really involved (but not hovering or micro managing) in your kid's life and show genuine interest everything takes care of itself. My relationship with my DD is better than I could ever imagine and many people have stepped up to me and said they never saw such a happy Dad with his kid. Children do grow up very quickly and as much as you want them to, don't forget that later you may miss the earlier days.

I don't know how other parents feel but to me the privilige of having just one child is impossible to put into words. Maybe reminding your DH of his own childhood and what made his relationship to his parents special (or not) will awaken in him a desire to try harder.

 

[bangzoom6877]

I have a hubby like yours...maybe they were separated at birth!! LOL! Really though. It is hard for my hubby (who is a great father) when the boys (ages 3 and 4) act up in public. Our 1st WDW trip they were 1.5 and 2.5 (it was a FREE trip with my dad and crew, and had it not been FREE I would ahve never gotten DH to go) and hubby was downright miserable at times. He enjoyed himself but was cranky at others, so I know right where you are coming from.

We are gonig back in Oct and the boys will be almost 5 and almost 4 (which is such a GREAT age, they are SOOOO into it, it is truely magical). This time I have a lot of down time scheduled though to hopefully prevent preschool meltdowns, therefore preventing daddy meltdowns!

I'm not sure where you are located (but I saw you went to Lancaster) but a really nice, nonstressful place to go is Knobels. If you are a camping family, it is a camping place, if not that is fine too, there are hotels not too far away, but there are plenty of little kid rides and the nice thing about it is there is no entry price so you don't have to pay for you and hubby to enter and not really ride any ride (you pay per ride and even those prices are very fair). It's a GREAT place for young families. And it's shady (not as in crooked, but in lots of trees to keep it cool and prevent meltdowns due to heat!).

There is hope!

Star

We are in Brooklyn, NY so PA is really close to us. I am also looking into one resort in Vermont, the Tyler Place family resort, which gives parents a candlelight dinner each night, and has a terrific kids' camp, yet you still get to spend lots of time with your kids. Seems like a good balance, hope we could afford it!

DH seems much better today and even yesterday than when we first got back Monday (through Wednesday!). I think he is more relaxed now that he has gotten a few good night's sleep, and that we are back into the routine. We were even talking about when we go back to WDW in 3 years from now and he didn't chew my head off about planning so far in advance! He was actually into this and seemed very happy. It also helps that DS3 keeps saying that WDW was his favorite place and is asking to go back. DH and I decided to surprise them next time and try and keep the trip a secret until the morning we go. I thought that would be cool and DH actually agreed!

Hopefully whatever we do next summer will be better. I already told him to pick it and if he doesn't want to do the planning (I am into that, he is not) to just tell me and I will find everything he wants me to find.