My DS is 18. Am I being unreasonable?

[Robindianne]

Am I unreasonable to try to stop him?

Yes, but I understand why. It's hard to let them grow up. But that's our job. I have a 28 year old so I know of what I'm speaking. Letting them go is very painful but that's also a sign you've done a good job.

 

[Kellydelly]

Have him watch the movie Hostel and maybe he will change his mind. I personally agree with you. Eighteen maybe an adult by law, but it doesn't mean he's prepared to take care of himself alone abroad.

 

[snarlingcoyote]

If you are willing to let him go next summer, why don't you make an offer he can't refuse? Tell him you will pay for his airfare or train ticket or help him plan the trip if he will wait.

Yep. Sweetening the pot usually works.

 

[Tinker74]

Thanks everyone for all the replies!....Dh is going to have a chat with him tonight. I only WISH there was a girl involved...(to whoever asked)..LOL. Its the alone that bothers me.

You know I actually look at families with young children with envy now....18 is so much harder than 2 or 3...they don't tell you that letting go is so very hard.... Even though its what we HAVE to do.

 

[Acklander]

If he wants to go sightseeing somewhere, he's going to have to plan it properly. Create an itinerary. Create a schedule for calling. Figure out what sights he plans to see. Even research the bars he wants to visit. He has to make you some promises and show you he can be responsible.

Review with him some basic safety tips, like not going off in a stranger's car, guarding your drink, etc.

I think this could be a decent "practice run" before heading off to college on his own.

(My 15yo is jealous, even with all the riots on the news, she'd LOVE to study in London! She fell in love with the city when she visited last year.)

Seriously???? Am I the only 18 year old who went off on road trips without an itinerary, and researching safety tips? Research the bars??? You find the one with loud music and cheap beer.

 

[Darcy03231]

My children are 27, 23, 20 (in 9 days), and 18 (in 2 months). I've heard the "I'm 18 and an adult now so I can do what I want" speech many times. My response is that in my book an adult pays all their own bills. I'm more than happy to let them make all their own decisions and pay their own bills at 18 if that's what they want. So far, no one has taken me up on it yet.

FWIW OP I wouldn't let him go in that sort of a situation. If it were with another friend or a group that would be one thing, but not alone.

 

[cornflake]

I admit I'm prejudiced toward it but I really do think alone is safer. People take risks they wouldn't when in a group. As for drinking or something, most teens I know would be FAR more likely to get really drunk if they and their buddies or even just one friend were out drinking and egging each other on than if they were out alone.

There's an inherent assumption that the other members of the group will take care of you but if they all have the assumption and thus all get really drunk or take stupid risks... vs. if someone knows they're there alone, less likely to take dumb risks.

I guarantee he'll meet many people younger than he is out for much longer periods alone.

If not now, when? If you say next summer, maybe he'll go then too but maybe he'll want a job once he realizes how much money he spends at school or maybe his friends will want to go to some resort ot maybe he'll take summer classes. If he has the itch and is lucky enough to be able to do it...

 

[cornflake]

Seriously???? Am I the only 18 year old who went off on road trips without an itinerary, and researching safety tips? Research the bars??? You find the one with loud music and cheap beer.

You are not, heh.

Yeah I... researching stops and itinerary and such negates the entire point of the trip, imo. As for researching bars to stop at I ...

 

[golfgal]

lol, the law should LIVE with 18yo BOYS for awhile then tell me they're ADULTS.

ANY child that is not 100% supporting themselves is still a child-not an adult-who cares what the law says. Doesn't matter if they are 12 or 47, if they are not fully supporting themselves, they don't NEED to be treated as an adult.

 

[Magpie]

Seriously???? Am I the only 18 year old who went off on road trips without an itinerary, and researching safety tips? Research the bars??? You find the one with loud music and cheap beer.

I'm a planner, what can I say...

Yes, I research bars. There's some very historic ones in London, you know!

(Ohhh... maybe that's why my kids have never shown any signs of wanting to run amok... I suck all the fun out of it!)

 

[dngnb8]

He is 18..an adult..Am I unreasonable to try to stop him?

Yes

 

[MadameMedusa]

You should let him go. This is a time for him to learn about himself and the world, and it may help him be more focused on getting an education in the fall. Is there a way to do it and perhaps help him have a safety net?

For example, you can both agree that he needs to be at Aunt Helga's in Salzburg August 23rd? Or other similar check-ins? So you will know in a timely manner if you need to alert Interpol? That might help give you some peace of mind while you let him test his wings.

 

[Acklander]

ANY child that is not 100% supporting themselves is still a child-not an adult-who cares what the law says. Doesn't matter if they are 12 or 47, if they are not fully supporting themselves, they don't NEED to be treated as an adult.

I supported my child at 5 and at 15. But each age had its own responsibilities and freedoms to help prepare them for the real world. Same thing with the 18 year old who is continuing on in his education vs the 18 year old who is going straight into the work force Just because my 18 year old college student is still being supported in tuition doesn't mean that he shouldn't start spreading his wings. That's an important part of his education. Especially for a student who's been sheltered.

 

[bethy]

While I plan to pay for the bulk of my kids' college educations, I do expect that they will get jobs during the summer, save their money and use it towards college. I would not be fine with them spending it to bum around Europe for a couple of weeks.

While I think bumming around Europe would be a great experience, it's not a necessity and unless we were swimmingly rich and money was no object, I'd not be on board with it.

ditto

 

[golfgal]

I supported my child at 5 and at 15. But each age had its own responsibilities and freedoms to help prepare them for the real world. Same thing with the 18 year old who is continuing on in his education vs the 18 year old who is going straight into the work force Just because my 18 year old college student is still being supported in tuition doesn't mean that he shouldn't start spreading his wings. That's an important part of his education. Especially for a student who's been sheltered.

I didn't say that they shouldn't start spreading their wings--I just said that they are not considered adults in my eyes and just because they are 18 doesn't mean you have to let them do everything they want to do and that you can't expect them to follow some simple household rules...

If my 18 year old wanted to go travel Europe alone I would say no. First, they need that money for college. Second, I don't think it is a safe= endeavor for MY 18 year old. Now, if they wanted to go with a group of friends and have a good plan--that THEY came up with--along with the money to do so, then we can talk. We have told all of the kids that we WANT them to do a semester abroad while in college too.

Also keep in mind that our oldest spent 2 weeks in China with his high school band when he was 14 and I had zero problem with that. They started going away to camp when they were 10, have quite a bit of freedom because they have earned that freedom. Going to a foreign country ALONE--heck traveling in the US ALONE, is just not smart.

If they chose to go against me and go anyway, they can find their own apartment when they get back.

 

[Acklander]

I'm a planner, what can I say...

Yes, I research bars. There's some very historic ones in London, you know!

(Ohhh... maybe that's why my kids have never shown any signs of wanting to run amok... I suck all the fun out of it!)

Lol. At that age DH and his friends would head off in a car and try to get from point A to point B with nothing but back roads and a compass (using a map was cheating). By the age of 19 I had hitched as far east as Maine, as far west as Vegas, as far north as Canada, and south to Georgia
Another relative and his buddy took a canoe from the top of the mississippi all the way down to where it emptied in the gulf with nothing but $200 and camping gear. When your 18 and feel you can conquer the world is when your suppose to do stupid things like this. Much better before reality and responsibilities set in. Encourage the kids to run amok now and then. The stuff off the itinerary is what makes life worth living.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

My take -- He's 18? He's an adult? Prove it -- pay your own bills, i.e., college. Otherwise, yes I believe you do have a say in how he spends his money, while you will be busting your hump to pay for college.

 

[DeaverTex]

I wouldn't allow him to go, if I had any way of enforcing that. He's going to have expenses at college, even if he's on a full ride scholarship. Unless you intend to give him an allowance, he'll need his money for things like meals out, beer, movies, beer, road trips, and beer once he starts college. That's why he can't afford to blow his cash on a walkabout tour of Europe. He's still living on your nickel right now.

Personally, I'd inform him that I intended for his education, not his entertainment, and that what he spends on a youthful jaunt through Europe I won't replace. If that means that for his first year at school he lives on ramen noodles and does nothing except sleep, go to class and study, because he can't afford anything else, so be it. If he still insists on going, you probably can't stop him unless you're willing to risk a family war, but you can stick to your guns about money.

I've seen way too many 18 years olds who were technically adults but developmentally very definitely not. (From being in the Army for 20 years.) Previous posts have brought up some pretty good posts. Talk 'em over with him, and you'll get a decent notion of his level of maturity from his responses.

Good luck.

 

[golfgal]

Lol. At that age DH and his friends would head off in a car and try to get from point A to point B with nothing but back roads and a compass (using a map was cheating). By the age of 19 I had hitched as far east as Maine, as far west as Vegas, as far north as Canada, and south to Georgia
Another relative and his buddy took a canoe from the top of the mississippi all the way down to where it emptied in the gulf with nothing but $200 and camping gear. When your 18 and feel you can conquer the world is when your suppose to do stupid things like this. Much better before reality and responsibilities set in. Encourage the kids to run amok now and then. The stuff off the itinerary is what makes life worth living.

THAT is the deciding factor for me right there....

 

[Andtototoo]

If he has enough money to go bum around Europe in order to drink in bars, he has enough money to pay for his books etc at college. No way would I be busting my butt and denying myself personal pleasures to pay for his college, so he can then use "his" money to travel and drinnk. He can do that when he's totally self supporting.