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[Art 1]

Sorry you are going through this it's awful. I'm wondering if you should call an attorney to look into the matter.

 

[Lynne M]

Rehab facilities are meant to be temporary, and it sounds like your husband's condition is not temporary. Whether his inability to care for himself is purely physical, or a result of his depression and bipolar disorder......the bottom line is that you can't care for him at home. That means it's time to look for a long-term care facility.

This isn't something for the rehab facility to fix - it's just not what they do. And the situation you're in is fairly common - families are able to care for people at home, and then one day they're not. When it gets to the point where you can't lift him, and he can't or won't lift himself, that's the end of at-home care. You're going to hurt yourself trying, and then where will you be?

Talk to the social services people at the rehab facility. This is something they deal with every day, helping families begin the process of moving to long term care. And yes, definitely find an attorney.

 

[Frozen72]

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[RitaE]

Yeah, I think I recognize the situation. I can tell you that your situation reminds me a bunch of my Father and his behavior toward my Mom.

I'll just say this. I firmly believe that spouses have a marital duty to help each other when one is ill. I do not believe spouses have an obligation to remain in an abusive situation. And one an ill spouse bullies their partner with the kinds of manipulation tactics that I suspect are going on, then you are ethically allowed to remove yourself from the abuse. I'm going to give you some examples of things the Therapists and Social Advocacy people gave my Mom as suggestions she should do. Then I'm also going to tell you that my Mother was never able to gather enough courage to perform them, and as an effect my Father sent my Mother into such a destructive state of Depression, Anxiety, Exhaustion and Stress that he nearly killed her -- while the rest of the family looked on helplessly. And when I say nearly killed her I don't mean that as an exaggeration. It has been over 10 years since my Father passed away and I would say psychologically, she still has never recovered her mental health.

I can tell you that the social workers and advocacy repeatedly advised my Mom that when my Dad's behavior got out of control, that she should simply call for an ambulance to come and get him, and then not accompany him to the hospital and not agree to accept responsibility for his care back at the house unless he would promise to control himself. It is considered abuse to leave an ill person helpless … such as on the couch unable to move….. messing themselves and not being able to get to food, water, and medication. It is not abusive to turn the elderly or sick person over to outside medical care and distance yourself. Please note the walks away parts. Your husband needs to know that if he wants you as his caregiver, there are behavior expectations that he will abide by, or you will walk away.

Some things to say:
1. I am willing to help you but I will not stay in a room where you are screaming or calling me names. I will be back in 20 minutes (walk away).
2. I am willing to help you but if you cannot transfer yourself from Couch to Wheelchair and Wheelchair to Bed as the therapists say you can do, then I cannot accept responsibility for your care. I will be calling the Doctor in the morning to arrange nursing home admittance. I will be back in 30 minutes to check on you. (Leave him food, water, his medications etc and walk away. And if he gets completely out of control, call an ambulance and then don't accompany him to the hospital.)

I hope you're okay this morning.

 

[Dawnlight]

OP, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.

Are you getting any aid for being his family caretaker? I know that it must vary from state to state, but I think there is some sort of benefit that you can get for being the full-time caregiver.

You have one life to live, OP, and you deserve happiness. It doesn't sound like you're able to have that in this situation.

 

[FairestOfThemAll37]

OP, I have to ask. Is the uncontrolled diabetes due to true medical emergency (in which case he should be in the hospital) or has his situation declined because of a refusal to make changes and get the disease under control?

If it's the latter then it speaks volumes about what is likely going on with the rest of the things he can't do.

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. It doesn't sound like this is a loving relationship and you are just overwhelmed by caring for an ill husband. It sounds like you're truly in despair and PPs who may have more insight (I have no idea who you are) that you may actually be in an abusive relationship.

This sounds like dealing with an alcoholic or other destructive behaviors, please find the strength to get yourself some help or therapy. You have to have the knowledge and the emotional fortitude to know what to do and how if you need cut ties for your own survival.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I agree with these latest posts...

OP, again, I am sending hugs!

 

[mom2rtk]

OP, are there any other family members who could step in and help give you some breaks?

 

[Lynne M]

OP, I think you're letting the fact that you and your husband have a complicated emotional situation mess up your decision-making here. When really, it's not relevant to what you need to do.

I have a close friend whose father is failing. It's a happy family; their home is filled with warmth and love and humor. While the dad is losing some cognitive abilities, he's fully aware of what his family is doing to help him and is grateful. He's a kind, gentle man. He can only walk very short distances these days, and recently, has increasing difficulty standing. The time is coming where they won't be able to care for him at home. My friend's mother is elderly, too, and she can't lift him by herself. My friend helps with the lifting whenever he can, but he's not getting any younger either, and he works and can't be there all day.

You could make the argument that he could have done more to help himself, I guess. He didn't keep up with his physical therapy, and wouldn't use an exercise bike back when they wanted him to and he was able. But that's not relevant. All that matters is where he is right now, and that they will not be able to care for him at home.

I mentioned all that, because it's so similar to your situation, just without the not-getting-along component. Because the end result is the same. You can't take care of him at home. It's not physically or mentally possible for you to do this.

You seem to carry around so much shame and guilt about the fact that the two of you don't get along, and that you can't manage his care on your own. There is nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. You've been living with an unstable, emotionally abusive man who essentially requires round-the-clock care. I don't know that anyone, short of an honest-to-God saint, could handle that.

I understand the complicated emotions around your feelings of obligation to take care of him, especially when he treats you so horribly. But by getting him to a long-term care facility, you ARE taking care of him. You are fulfilling your obligations and your marriage vows. Just like my friend's mother will do when it's time. You can no longer give him the care that he needs. He needs professional care that you're simply not able to provide, and there's no shame at all in that, and no reason whatsoever to feel guilty.

Just do it. Make the arrangements. Get him the care he needs, and then make an appointment with a therapist to work through your own emotions.

 

[clutter]

Yeah, I think I recognize the situation. I can tell you that your situation reminds me a bunch of my Father and his behavior toward my Mom.

I'll just say this. I firmly believe that spouses have a marital duty to help each other when one is ill. I do not believe spouses have an obligation to remain in an abusive situation. And one an ill spouse bullies their partner with the kinds of manipulation tactics that I suspect are going on, then you are ethically allowed to remove yourself from the abuse. I'm going to give you some examples of things the Therapists and Social Advocacy people gave my Mom as suggestions she should do. Then I'm also going to tell you that my Mother was never able to gather enough courage to perform them, and as an effect my Father sent my Mother into such a destructive state of Depression, Anxiety, Exhaustion and Stress that he nearly killed her -- while the rest of the family looked on helplessly. And when I say nearly killed her I don't mean that as an exaggeration. It has been over 10 years since my Father passed away and I would say psychologically, she still has never recovered her mental health.

I can tell you that the social workers and advocacy repeatedly advised my Mom that when my Dad's behavior got out of control, that she should simply call for an ambulance to come and get him, and then not accompany him to the hospital and not agree to accept responsibility for his care back at the house unless he would promise to control himself. It is considered abuse to leave an ill person helpless … such as on the couch unable to move….. messing themselves and not being able to get to food, water, and medication. It is not abusive to turn the elderly or sick person over to outside medical care and distance yourself. Please note the walks away parts. Your husband needs to know that if he wants you as his caregiver, there are behavior expectations that he will abide by, or you will walk away.

Some things to say:
1. I am willing to help you but I will not stay in a room where you are screaming or calling me names. I will be back in 20 minutes (walk away).
2. I am willing to help you but if you cannot transfer yourself from Couch to Wheelchair and Wheelchair to Bed as the therapists say you can do, then I cannot accept responsibility for your care. I will be calling the Doctor in the morning to arrange nursing home admittance. I will be back in 30 minutes to check on you. (Leave him food, water, his medications etc and walk away. And if he gets completely out of control, call an ambulance and then don't accompany him to the hospital.)

I hope you're okay this morning.

I have to agree with this. At this point, I think you've done everything you can and your choice is to save yourself or go down with your husband. Perhaps a group like Al-Anon might help?

 

[LilyWDW]

I have seen the rehab stuff before. The person IS capable of doing what they need to do and they do it at rehab. Then, when they get home, they suddenly "can't". Why? Because the only reason they did it before was because they were made to in order to go home. Now they have no "reason" to keep it up because they met their goal (going home).

 

[sonnyjane]

I guess another issue is, we do not get along at all. Call me an evil person, but yes I have used the word divorce in conversation. I was so angry that I actually asked him "if I have the divorce papers drawn up will you sign them"? I did not get an answer, so I am assuming that is a no. I don't want to be an evil person who abandons somebody in need. However, this has been going on for a year and a half. Everything has been, life will return to normal for us as soon as... Unfortunately all of these as soon as scenarios approach, we are dealt another back-set. We could say very easily, as soon as he can... I can get some sort of life back and maybe work at least part time. However, I have seen these "as soon as" scenarios come and go, and we keep spiraling deeper. OK sorry I am ranting at this point.

Regarding being an "evil person", I'd think much less of a wife that completely sacrificed her own life and happiness for someone undeserving than someone that left a sick partner unwilling to help himself.

 

[cabanafrau]

The uncontrolled diabetes will have a dramatic effect on his mental state, which in turn helps fuel the behaviors that keep him from taking steps to properly address his diabetes. If mental health treatment providers will not assist at this point I would look at addressing this situation with his primary care physician, being sure to fully inform regarding the behaviors regarding refusal to engage in any self care or hygiene. Quite frankly he is heading towards involuntary admission on a fast moving train.

If you seriously want to help yourself and your DH out of this situation I would advise dealing with the situation fully and head on. If possible look into seeking some counseling for yourself, and be sure you are addressing your own health throughout. I have no idea anything about you other than your own words in this thread and it seems clear you are struggling with depression yourself. Continuing on as you have, busying yourself with tasks and errands while allowing the real details of your life to slip out of your grasp as you have been doing cannot continue much further. It's time for bull by the horns because your world is on fire.

 

[StitchesGr8Fan]

OP, prayers to you and your daughter. I remember you talking about the hell she is living through too.

 

[eh24fan]

OP, you have gotten a lot of good feedback here and I don't have much I can add. Except this. It sounds to me as if he is in a "won't" do for himself situation, which puts you into a situation where you CAN'T do things to help him. It's not that you haven't tried, but you can't do anymore than you have.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes... OP, having mortal human physical and emotional limitations does not, in any way, make one evil.
I hurt so very much for you when I hear you say those words.
That thought process, hopefully, can change.

I do hope that you can look at this from other angles now, and you can change from 'how you are trapped', to, 'how to get out of a situation that threatens your very well-being'.

Remember, guilt, total obligation, and possible label of evil, are the well known tools of anyone who feels entitled and who is manipulating their spouse.

Yes, it is a complicated situation. And the actions and the steps you take must be the correct steps. But, the pathway is there.

 

[slo]

Call me an evil person, but yes I have used the word divorce in conversation. I was so angry that I actually asked him "if I have the divorce papers drawn up will you sign them"? I did not get an answer, so I am assuming that is a no. I don't want to be an evil person who abandons somebody in need.

Call me evil too, because divorce would be the best thing for you in regards to YOUR own health and for YOUR financial well being.

If you don't get divorced, than his long term/possible forever care will suck the life out of your finances. Let the nursing home take everything he's got, not everything you both have. You have the rest of your life to think about. If my mom wouldn't have lost my dad's pension with a divorce, she would have divorced him just so she could survive financially with him in the nursing home.

My DH and I have actually made an agreement a long time ago that if it is in our financial best interest to get a divorce in the event that one of us had to go to a nursing home, than that's what we are going to do. Is it trying to get around the system? - yes - but we don't care. A good nursing home is $6000 to $10,000 a month - who has that laying around????

Please know that I am thinking about you.
Stories like this really hit home for me, because I walked this path with my mom as she took care of my dad. It's very stressful, so please take care of you!!!

 

[Dizneefamily+4]

My dad was this very same way. My mom passed away 6 years ago. Two years later, my dad was diagnosed with colo-rectal cancer, but only after my brother and I forced him to either let us take him to the hospital or else we would call for an ambulance. He went and basically never left until he passed away 2 years later. He was only 66.

He had let his health deteriorate so much (my siblings and I didn't live near him and when we talked with him weekly on the phone, he never let on that anything was wrong) that they had to get his basic health under control before they could even start to treat the cancer. He also let his health insurance lapse - and he was 4 months from being medicare-eligible. But that's a whole nuther ball of wax.

Part of his treatment included a colostomy bag. Once his treatment/hospitalization was complete, they released him to a rehab/nursing home facility across the street from the hospital. After PT and OT, etc. he was released home. Once home, he basically refused to take care of himself. Didn't order colostomy supplies or groceries, wouldn't schedule the free medical transport to doctor appointments, etc. My brother, who lived closest and was his medical POA, set him up with an iPad that had apps for requesting all of these things - even grocery delivery. My dad just woudn't do it. He lived back home for a week.

His health relapsed. Long story short, he was back in the hospital and rotated between the hospital and the nursing home facility until he was dying and then was transfered to hospice. 2 years of rotating between those facilities because he just refused to take care of himself. In our case, each time he was admitted to the hospital and had a certain length of stay, the nursing home insurance coverage (once Medicare kicked in) would start up again. Otherwise, it just ate up his pension and 401k savings. If he'd taken responsibility for his health and life, he likely would have recovered from the cancer and would be living in FL like he always planned upon retirement.

OP, I hope your situation turns around and that you're able to get your dh back into a facility until he's TRULY ready to take responsiblity. Best of luck to you.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Several posters here have done a good job of explaining possible reasons for the situation. I won't reiterate.

From my perspective as a long term caregiver, I'll just say this. Sometimes when people feel their lives are "out of control", they find ways that they can be "in control" even when it's maladaptive. Deliberately not doing things for himself when he can, and/or "making" you do things for him could be his way of controlling the situation and you. Admittedly a bad way to operate. I do think he has a lot of mental factors coming in to play: depression, bipolar, and yes, his diabetes can affect the brain and mental status. Has he had a psychiatric evaluation? Is he on medications for his depression and bipolar? I agree that working with his psychiatrist on these issues will be necessary.

I think you should also get yourself some help.

It would be really difficult for me to know exactly what his issues are without going through his complete medical history myself, and obviously I can't do that. But a couple of things that might help. If he is incontinent of stool, then you can work to help him have regular BMs. Metamucil every morning can help him become regular and "predicable", so hopefully that might help to contain any unexpected messes. (And little is more difficult to deal with than THAT!) He should also partipcate with cleaning if he makes a mess. I don't care if he has to do it from his w/c! Because sitting back and watching you clean crap is a big control issue. That is one example. He should be getting up every day at a regular time, getting dressed, doing what he can do, with some assistance if necessary (with an eye toward helping him become more independent over time, not more dependent), helping if there is a problem, having a regular daytime routine and a regular nighttime routine - not just sitting around doing nothing all day while you get him things and clean up after him, etc. Also if there is anything that can help him feel like a productive member of society even though he may be depressed about his condition can do wonders to helping him feel better about himself. So in that way, you can help him, but don't do for him what he can do for himself. Too many times people got caught up in this trap and it is really counterproductive. (Counseling for YOU can help you see that.)

Sorry that's all I have time for right now. I hope it helps. I do think that at rehab, he passed the muster, so his going back there isn't going to happen. I don't know that you can just put him in a nursing home, either. You may elect to withdraw from the situation if you have to for your own health and well being, but you should seek out professional advice if you need to. Good luck, sounds very difficult.

 

[ozliz]

I don't know about the arrangements in the USA but in Australia we have http://www.carersaustralia.com.au hopefully someone else can advise whether there is an equivalent for you. They provide counselling and other services for the CARER so that you can still keep taking care of yourself through the stress and other difficult times. I just thought I would mention this so you remember to after yourself as well as solving the problems for your DH and current living challenges.