"Judging" parents by their kids behaviors, quirks...

[zachnsamsmommy]

I don't know if this is a vent, or a PSA or what...but I have really learned to eat crow the past year.

Before I had kids...I was 'appalled' to see 3-4 yr olds in diapers, or drinking out of bottles...or having meltdowns in public places. I just always assumed the parents were lazy, or didn't care.

That was until I was that parent...and my child is autistic. He is 3 1/2...and still not potty trained. He is terrified of the flushing noise, and screams hysterically if he is forced to be in a stall with me. We are trying a little potty...no flushing...at home, but not much luck.

And yesterday...I got a few dirty looks at the hairdresser for him having a meltdown getting a haircut. Luckily, my stylist and many of the others know he is autistic, and I don't get grief from them. I try to do it at a 'not busy' time...and she cuts his hair as quickly as possible (and does an excellent job under the circumstances). But some customers really gave me 'the look'...

Anyways...I still occassionally think something bad when I see an ill behaved child, or a child that isn't doing things age-appropriately. But then I try to think about what I DON'T know about that child's history.

Anyways...I guess I am THAT mother that is probably discussed badly on the DIS and other boards. But maybe if people realized that sometimes there are reasons...

 

[dodukes]

You have a good point and I guess its something to think about when I am out and about........... but unfortunately I think you fall in the very small percentage of people who actually have a reason for the things you mentioned.

Most people just don't give a hoot and are probably lazy parents.
(especially at the longhorn last night as the parents were letting their kids play in the aisle while enjoying their steak oblivious to the fact that they were noisy and annoying)

eta: I don't care if your kid is 10yo with a pacifier or using a bottle, that is your problem not mine so I really dont ever tend to care about that, but I think the meltdowns is what get to people. (not you personally just a general you..lol)

 

[ccgirl]

I think we are all like that. I know I was too. I thought, "I will never let my children watch t.v." When toddler's had binky's I thought it was because parents were too lazy to try to take it away. Bottom line, even the most behaved children have meltdowns. When I see it happen, I usually just smile at the parent and reassure them everythign will be okay and we have all been thru it. I think a lot of times we judge others without being in their shoes.

Thanks for reminding us of that.

Just read the post above and I completely agree. My DH and myself were having a romantic 10th anniversary dinner at Cali grill. He was trying to present me with a diamond wrap. All the while, two little boys from the table over (it was 9:30pm) were running around my table and screaming. The parents had been saying for 30 minutes; sit down and we'll leave. They never did. I tried to not let that spoil the evening. I ALWAYS make my child leave when they are misbehaving. My DH and myself have eaten several restaurant meals in the car on the way home because one of us had to escort the child out. The only exception is church. When my DD was 3 she was misbehaving on purpose so we had to leave. She even yelled, "mommy...I am being bad, can we go home now?" Everyone laughed and I told her God loved her even when she misbehaved and we were staying.

 

[postage stamp]

To me the only time I really get frustrated with a parent based on their child's bad behavior is when the parent does NOTHING about it.

I don't assume that when i'm in a grocery store that I know everyone's life story. But when I see a child misbehaving in a horrendous way and their parents are either totally ignoring it or think it's cute it really gets under my skin.

I have 2 kids who are preschool/kindergarten age and I have people ask me all the time if we are Canadian because of how well they behave. (It's great as a mom, but slightly embarrassing as an American) People also think that my kid's good behavior is some genetic miracle. Well it's not. It's hard work on the part of my husband, my children, and I.

Does that mean my kids NEVER misbehave? OF COURSE NOT. They aren't robots, they aren't perfect. And I don't want them to be.

But do I give people dirty looks for having children misbehave in public? I try really hard not to. Maybe they are having THAT DAY where everything falls apart. Maybe their child does have a disability of some kind. Maybe it's none of my business and as long as it's not literally keeping me from doing what I need to be doing I should just move on.

 

[Mkrop]

I have a child with some mobility issues when he was younger and stills suffer from endurance issues. We finally dont have to use a stroller in WDW. But I would read these threads crucifiying parents and I would think you just never know.

I will say though that if your child is having a meltdown, I am much more sympathetic and willing to think there is more going on then I am aware if I see the parent trying to do something to help the situation. It is the parent that ignores their child running around that almost trips a server etc that I have lost patience for.

Kids cry, kids have meltdowns, kid with diablilites, kid without. They are children. But as parents we should be doing our best to help the child through the situation whether that means removing them from the area so as not to disturb others etc.

The other day we were at DS7's game and a little girl on the sidelines was throwing a water bottle. It hit another parent in the head, then she hit her father in the arm. Nothing was ever said. Did this child have a disablility, and some impulse control, maybe, but then the parent should have removed the water bottle not keeping giving it back to her.

 

[freckles and boo]

I have an eight year old daughter with autism and sometimes I carry hearing protection for her because her senses are disordered. She hates loud flushes, she hates electric hand dryers, and she can't stand the sound of the electric trimmers at the hair salon. All of these things are physically painful for her. We know most of her limitations and triggers with regard to sensory overload so trantrums are almost non-existent now. My advice is that you do what you need to do for your child and don't let the stares of the holier-than-thous get to you. You could even go so far as to carry autism awareness business cards to hand out to the people if you think it will help. In my experience, though, people always are looking for excuses to judge parenting in others so they can pat themselves on the back for raising "good" kids. I have many expectations of both my children and good behavior when we are out is one of them. However, kids should never be punished for sensory problems that are beyond their control. Even a normal kid can be completely overloaded if he or she should be in bed sleeping instead of at a restaurant at 9:30 at night.

 

[Minnesota!]

I don't know if this is a vent, or a PSA or what...but I have really learned to eat crow the past year.

Before I had kids...I was 'appalled' to see 3-4 yr olds in diapers, or drinking out of bottles...or having meltdowns in public places. I just always assumed the parents were lazy, or didn't care.

That was until I was that parent...and my child is autistic. He is 3 1/2...and still not potty trained. He is terrified of the flushing noise, and screams hysterically if he is forced to be in a stall with me. We are trying a little potty...no flushing...at home, but not much luck.

And yesterday...I got a few dirty looks at the hairdresser for him having a meltdown getting a haircut. Luckily, my stylist and many of the others know he is autistic, and I don't get grief from them. I try to do it at a 'not busy' time...and she cuts his hair as quickly as possible (and does an excellent job under the circumstances). But some customers really gave me 'the look'...

Anyways...I still occassionally think something bad when I see an ill behaved child, or a child that isn't doing things age-appropriately. But then I try to think about what I DON'T know about that child's history.

Anyways...I guess I am THAT mother that is probably discussed badly on the DIS and other boards. But maybe if people realized that sometimes there are reasons...

I have a 6 year old son who is NOT autistic but did all the same things you describe about your son.

Hated the bathroom b/c of the flushing. Hated the car wash. Wouldn't allow ANYONE to cut his hair. Took us holding him down forcibly and some really rotten half arsed jobs on his hair. We got him noise blocking headphones for these situations.

Yea, it embarrassed me b/c I know people were making the same snap judgement that I did once upon a time.

My boys still have meltdowns after a long day, or if things are just crazy. My BFF is pregnant with her first and she has said ...counttless times...that her kid "WILL NEVER EVER EVER HAVE A MELTDOWN" and her kid "WILL NEVER WHINE". I told her everyone is a perfect parent until they actually have a kid. She's in for a rude awakening.

Anyway. the thing that worked for my son for haircuts was LUCKILY a very dear friend of ours, who Luke adores, became a hair stylist. Luke trusts this girl implicitly and so even though it's $5 more or so for him than anywhere else, we take him there. He's comfy, it's calm, and hey...it puts money in our friends' pocket. Is there anyone in your life that your son trusts that could cut his hair?

I have sensory issues with my ears. I cannot have the windows open in the car when driving. I can barely have the radio on. I cannot have 2 sounds going at once. it literally HURTS my ears. So, I know where my son is coming from. It makes it easier for me to empathize with him..

 

[dodukes]

I have a 6 year old son who is NOT autistic but did all the same things you describe about your son.

Hated the bathroom b/c of the flushing. Hated the car wash. Wouldn't allow ANYONE to cut his hair. Took us holding him down forcibly and some really rotten half arsed jobs on his hair. We got him noise blocking headphones for these situations.

Yea, it embarrassed me b/c I know people were making the same snap judgement that I did once upon a time.

My boys still have meltdowns after a long day, or if things are just crazy. My BFF is pregnant with her first and she has said ...counttless times...that her kid "WILL NEVER EVER EVER HAVE A MELTDOWN" and her kid "WILL NEVER WHINE". I told her everyone is a perfect parent until they actually have a kid. She's in for a rude awakening.
Anyway. the thing that worked for my son for haircuts was LUCKILY a very dear friend of ours, who Luke adores, became a hair stylist. Luke trusts this girl implicitly and so even though it's $5 more or so for him than anywhere else, we take him there. He's comfy, it's calm, and hey...it puts money in our friends' pocket. Is there anyone in your life that your son trusts that could cut his hair?

I have sensory issues with my ears. I cannot have the windows open in the car when driving. I can barely have the radio on. I cannot have 2 sounds going at once. it literally HURTS my ears. So, I know where my son is coming from. It makes it easier for me to empathize with him..

Poor thing is really in for a rude awakening for sure! I'm not a parent but thankfully I am not this delusional when it comes to possible future children.

 

[SandrA9810]

My aunt gets highly appalled by melt downs of a child. After working for Disney, it doesn't phase me in the slightest. Kids get tired, they get cranky, and the parent still expects them to be perfectly well behaved. I know some kids can be, but push the limit too far and they'll start whining and crying or screaming.

Growing up with a handicap brother. The stares never stopped. Even though it was apparent he was mentally and physically handicap, people still didn't seem to get the idea that it's disrespectful to stare.

 

[Tiger926]

I never do that, so not sure why others do it either? You can never know just exactly what is at play in every situation just be observing in the grocery store, waiting for Space Mountain or in church.

Life has a way of showing us many lessons...you used to be a judger of others, yet now you are yourself are judged. Not fair at all, but as you yourself admitted, many people judge people for various reasons. Much if it is directed towards parents, which isn't fair, as parenting is the hardest job in the world...

Hope all is well with your child, Tiger

 

[indimom]

I figure raising children is like any job - looks really easy until you try to do it day in and day out for years on end....I ran a day care before having my own and thought I had it pretty well figured out. Then I found out that your own kids are soooo much better at pushing your buttons than someone else's kids.

And, for what it's worth, even perfectly average children with no disabilities, no sensory issues, well rested and fed, will try to push their boundaries or will just break down... (I'm a grown adult and it happens to me from time to time).

I also think every once in a while even "good" (consistent, calm, measured, caring) parents will make a bad decision, get angry and mouth off, ignore their kids (because sometimes by the 378th time in one day, they don't even hear or see the obnoxious and repetitive behavior) or just want to give up and have a good cry...it's the nature of the beast, we can't all be perfect all the time.

 

[Disney Doll]

To me the only time I really get frustrated with a parent based on their child's bad behavior is when the parent does NOTHING about it.

I don't assume that when i'm in a grocery store that I know everyone's life story. But when I see a child misbehaving in a horrendous way and their parents are either totally ignoring it or think it's cute it really gets under my skin.

This.
And it happens more than you folks with kids think.
And I'm not talking about kids with issues such as autism or other special needs stuff. Most of the time, if one looks closely at a situation, one can pick up on an issue that could explain the behavior. Plus, usually a parent with a child with special needs of any sort is very responsive to the child and the situation. So, while the child is acting out, I could look at the parent and say "Poor thing. Kid's giving her a rough run but she's trying".

I'm talking about brats who run the show with parents who don't want to parent. Or the ones who think that it's absolutely adorable that their child is walking around the restaurant bothering every other patron who may not necessarily be in the mood to deal with someone else's child.

Or my favorite parent...the one who says "Well, he/she is only 5" and therefore apparently doesn't need to have his/her bad behavior corrected by the parent. I don't xpect a kid to be perfect. I expect a parent to deal with the kid when they are melting down and not just let it continue or make some lame excuse.

 

[Christine]

This.
And it happens more than you folks with kids think.
And I'm not talking about kids with issues such as autism or other special needs stuff. Most of the time, if one looks closely at a situation, one can pick up on an issue that could explain the behavior. Plus, usually a parent with a child with special needs of any sort is very responsive to the child and the situation. So, while the child is acting out, I could look at the parent and say "Poor thing. Kid's giving her a rough run but she's trying".

I'm talking about brats who run the show with parents who don't want to parent. Or the ones who think that it's absolutely adorable that their child is walking around the restaurant bothering every other patron who may not necessarily be in the mood to deal with someone else's child.

Or my favorite parent...the one who says "Well, he/she is only 5" and therefore apparently doesn't need to have his/her bad behavior corrected by the parent. I don't xpect a kid to be perfect. I expect a parent to deal with the kid when they are melting down and not just let it continue or make some lame excuse.

Agreed. Maybe it's my old age now but, for me, it's pretty easy to see when a child is special needs. I mean, I know a lot of these are "hidden disabilities" but really they aren't so hidden if you just pay attention. And the parents of these children are very attentive.

 

[kirstenb1]

OP, our dd is 5 and has mild autism. She finally potty trained this past summer. I cut her hair for years, because of similar issues to what you described. (and I'm terrible at cutting hair!!). One thing I've learned, is she eventually gets there. She now lets my stylist cut her hair. We just have her do it dry, and very quickly. She will actually let our dentist give her teeth a full exam and cleaning. Again, just years of trying small steps.

Usually, I'm pretty self conscious. But I couldn't give a flip what anyone thinks of dd. Every day is really hard work for her, and we're very proud of her.

FWIW, when she was your son's age, things were much trickier for her. The past summer, she's really changed a lot, and tolerates things much better. We started private O/T and P/T this summer, and it has really helped her sensory issues.

 

[SaraJayne]

This.
And it happens more than you folks with kids think.
And I'm not talking about kids with issues such as autism or other special needs stuff. Most of the time, if one looks closely at a situation, one can pick up on an issue that could explain the behavior. Plus, usually a parent with a child with special needs of any sort is very responsive to the child and the situation. So, while the child is acting out, I could look at the parent and say "Poor thing. Kid's giving her a rough run but she's trying".

I'm talking about brats who run the show with parents who don't want to parent. Or the ones who think that it's absolutely adorable that their child is walking around the restaurant bothering every other patron who may not necessarily be in the mood to deal with someone else's child.

Or my favorite parent...the one who says "Well, he/she is only 5" and therefore apparently doesn't need to have his/her bad behavior corrected by the parent. I don't xpect a kid to be perfect. I expect a parent to deal with the kid when they are melting down and not just let it continue or make some lame excuse.

Yup. There's a lot of lazy parents out there.

 

[worm761]

DS has autism so I totally get where you are coming from. BUT my sisters twins do not a single thing wrong with them. They are almost 5 years old and are not potty trained yet! She has also said that she will not take them out in public because they don't behave. I told her you have to teach them proper behavior, it isn't something you are born with. She is the kind of parent that people are irritated with. She won't potty train them, have no idea what she is going to do for school next fall, and refuses to parent them. I just don't understand her.

 

[superme80]

I agree. I have learned that a lot of problems with some kids can be solved with a nap and just realize it is nap time and not to judge. I do get mad at parents who let their child or children abuse them, other people, or property because they do not care to tell them no. I use to work in retail and we had several children come in and terrorize the store and the parent would turn a blind eye. That is lazy parenting. YOU are the parent NOT the child.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

I totally agree with the OP since I also have an autistic child. My DS15 has Asperger's and we've had our share of stares and disgusted looks when he would meltdown in public. Luckily, he's outgrown and learned to control a lot of his behaviors but the things that come out of his mouth can still be unpredictable!

 

[Acklander]

yeah, sometimes kids will cooperate and behave how you expect, and sometimes not so much.
OP, vent away all you want, but save the PSA because you're wasting your breath. Either you've experienced it, so therefore you understand, or you haven't experienced it, so you don't get it - you make think you get it, but not really.
Even if you already have kids, you may not understand it, if your kids are naturally easy going.
I grew up, one of the oldest of several kids, so I had an idea - but didn't really get it until I had my own.
With my youngest - he had colic, and took a bit longer to give up the bottle and toilet train that my oldest did (oldest slept through the night at 8 weeks old, was walking at 8 mos, and gave up the bottle and toilet trained fairly early) BUT the youngest is a much easier to get along with child. The youngest is a natural optimist and the oldest is a natural pessimist. They are who they are - it has very little to do with me.
So no, I don't judge your parenting based on the small snapshot of your life that I get to see - but then again, I don't judge your parenting based on how wonderful and spectacular your kid appears either.

 

[Momvic5]

I don't think that I ever really make a snap judgement unless the kid is having a freak out moment, and the parents are freaking out too just as loud and as obnoxious as the child. I have a close friend who does this....she snaps and gets really loud when her children misbehave. It makes everyone within hearing distance uncomfortable. I sometimes think the children have learned to freak out by watching their mom. A screaming parent always sounds worse to me than the screaming child.