in need of help!!!

[beckmrk04]

I also agree with the good points some other posters made: as long as he's not running up large bills, or looking at porn that's violent or illegal, and kids can't access it, then it's really not worth a huge fight.

And I do agree that to an extent it would be an issue of respect, but I think that if Never2Old4Magic took some steps to really feel better about herself, it wouldn't be such a big deal. I thought it was interesting that some posters said that when they were first married it was a big deal, and now that they've been married a while, it's so not a big deal! Because they are secure in themselves, in their love, and in their relationships. It makes such a huge difference.

 

[nliedel]

Okay, maybe I should have rephrased that, I meant "sneaking" looking at MALE porn, not gay male porn, not female, but heterosexual male porn, along with hiding it from their husbands. You'd be okay with that?

I know this was not asked of me but this is a public forum so

The problem I would have with it would be the "sneaking" not the porn part, but that is *MY* marriage, not the OP's. Some women are really bothered by it a lot. Some have moral reasons, some, like I used to, just get jealous (I am never going to look like that, never have, never will. I don't want him imagining someone else, or heaven help me, comparing me. Contests should be more fair )

 

[Goofball]

OK, I'll be the odd woman out. I wouldn't consider it cheating, but I wouldn't like it or stand for it, either. For ladies who don't mind, that works for their relationships. But for those who do mind, I think their partners should respect that.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

OK, I'll be the odd woman out. I wouldn't consider it cheating, but I wouldn't like it or stand for it, either. For ladies who don't mind, that works for their relationships. But for those who do mind, I think their partners should respect that.

I agree...but at the same token you cannot ask a man to be celibate either. Compromise goes BOTH WAYS!

 

[alliecats]

I'm sorry you are upset and stressed about it. I hope it works out ok! Just from my perspective, this is not something I'd waste 2 minutes thinking about. Just doesn't bother me. But that is just me!

 

[pixiemomma]

I think it comes down to respect. I don't care if my DH looks at it, not that it's often anyway. But I know that if it were to bother me, he'd stop.

If your husband is still looking at it after you've told him how much it bothers you, then it's a lack of respect & could indicate more problems than just the porn issue. But if you haven't told him, then how is he to know that it bothers you?

Communication is the key. It always is.

I agree. If it bothers her why wouldn't he stop?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I agree. If it bothers her why wouldn't he stop?

He ain't getting any.

 

[VSL]

OK, I'll be the odd woman out. I wouldn't consider it cheating, but I wouldn't like it or stand for it, either. For ladies who don't mind, that works for their relationships. But for those who do mind, I think their partners should respect that.

I guess I'm lucky in that my BF just isn't interested anyway. He's more imaginative.

 

[laura001]

I don't think that it is cheating.....BUT....men are not men! It is not a natural thing to do, especially behind someone's back. The fact is this....who he is looking at is someone's daughter....would he like other men looking at his daughter??????

Even if this woman has chosen to do this, he is enabling her to continue. I am not a prude (before I am flamed), but I definately don't agree with this behaviour at all.

 

[cardaway]

If your husband is still looking at it after you've told him how much it bothers you, then it's a lack of respect & could indicate more problems than just the porn issue.

That's my take given what I've read. A symptom, not the problem.

 

[TeresaNJ]

I don't think that it is cheating.....BUT....men are not men! It is not a natural thing to do, especially behind someone's back. The fact is this....who he is looking at is someone's daughter....would he like other men looking at his daughter??????

Even if this woman has chosen to do this, he is enabling her to continue. I am not a prude (before I am flamed), but I definately don't agree with this behaviour at all.

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know I will be flamed, but I really don't care. This is one of the problems in our society today. There is a huge disrespect for people in general. A large number of the "models" on these porn sites are desperate people looking for a way to survive. It is not a harmless activity. It is a money-making operation for the owners of the websites, and many young women and men are lured into it to make a quick buck and then get stuck.

For those of you who say it's okay, and you don't mind, etc., and that as long as the kids don't see it then it's okay, well, guess what, they WILL see it eventually, they'll find it, no matter how good you think you are at hiding it.

There is no good reason for viewing pornography, and there is certainly no reason to bring it into the home. I'm surprised at the number of people who think it's no big deal.

 

[Disney_1derland]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way. I know I will be flamed, but I really don't care. This is one of the problems in our society today. There is a huge disrespect for people in general. A large number of the "models" on these porn sites are desperate people looking for a way to survive. It is not a harmless activity. It is a money-making operation for the owners of the websites, and many young women and men are lured into it to make a quick buck and then get stuck.

For those of you who say it's okay, and you don't mind, etc., and that as long as the kids don't see it then it's okay, well, guess what, they WILL see it eventually, they'll find it, no matter how good you think you are at hiding it.

There is no good reason for viewing pornography, and there is certainly no reason to bring it into the home. I'm surprised at the number of people who think it's no big deal.

No flaming here, I respect your right to your opinion. We just happen to have different viewpoints. The only thing I have a problem with is your insistence that the children will be exposed to it. You cannot possibly make that judgement without knowing how it is handled in each individual instance.

I am very lucky to be in a mutually respectful and loving relationship where we can be open and honest with each other. I do think it's a big deal. This happens to be an area where I insisted we set ground rules because of experiences in past relationships. We have an agreement, it works for us. It doesn't make us bad people, bad parents or social degenerates. If at ANY time either of us were to become uncomfortable with the agreement, we would simply talk about it and change it.

It wouldn't work for everyone. I understand that. But it is our level of comfort and it works for us. I am happy that your situation works for you.

 

[cardaway]

For those of you who say it's okay, and you don't mind, etc., and that as long as the kids don't see it then it's okay, well, guess what, they WILL see it eventually, they'll find it, no matter how good you think you are at hiding it.

I found my dad's magazines once. I thought it was miracle I survived that horrible day, but then I talked to a bunch of guys at school and found out the same thing happened to them.

 

[Am_I_There_Yet]

i feel that he is replacing it. i have some female problems and unable to do it often..so i feel he is using this outlet. well seeing as i am not happy right now with him and he is already in bed. i am going to make the couch my bed tonight.

"It" isn't the only way to be intimate. I know paraplegics who have satisfying intimate lives! If they can make it work, I can't imagine that you couldn't too.

 

[TeresaNJ]

No flaming here, I respect your right to your opinion. We just happen to have different viewpoints. The only thing I have a problem with is your insistence that the children will be exposed to it. You cannot possibly make that judgement without knowing how it is handled in each individual instance.

I am very lucky to be in a mutually respectful and loving relationship where we can be open and honest with each other. I do think it's a big deal. This happens to be an area where I insisted we set ground rules because of experiences in past relationships. We have an agreement, it works for us. It doesn't make us bad people, bad parents or social degenerates. If at ANY time either of us were to become uncomfortable with the agreement, we would simply talk about it and change it.

It wouldn't work for everyone. I understand that. But it is our level of comfort and it works for us. I am happy that your situation works for you.

I don't know if you have preteens or young teens yet, but they are curious, they will look, and the majority of the time, will find.

I understand that alot of couples are comfortable with viewing porn, I'd just like people to remember that vast majority of porn websites USE very young adults to MAKE alot of money. I'm not talking Playboy here.

 

[TDC Nala]

Not unless he's doing it so much that it affects day to day life or is costing large amounts of money, or he's trying to contact other people through hookup websites (or it's child porn, that's another category altogether).

 

[laura001]

No flaming here, I respect your right to your opinion. We just happen to have different viewpoints. The only thing I have a problem with is your insistence that the children will be exposed to it. You cannot possibly make that judgement without knowing how it is handled in each individual instance.

I am very lucky to be in a mutually respectful and loving relationship where we can be open and honest with each other. I do think it's a big deal. This happens to be an area where I insisted we set ground rules because of experiences in past relationships. We have an agreement, it works for us. It doesn't make us bad people, bad parents or social degenerates. If at ANY time either of us were to become uncomfortable with the agreement, we would simply talk about it and change it.

It wouldn't work for everyone. I understand that. But it is our level of comfort and it works for us. I am happy that your situation works for you.

Just wondering how you would feel if it was your daughter people were looking at ? There is no problem being open and exploritory with your partner as long as it is not at the expense of someone else who does not or cannot do or know any better....IMHO

I am adding to this as an edit: The women that people are looking at are someone's daughters. The whole situation is just sad....

 

[laura001]

.

There is no good reason for viewing pornography, and there is certainly no reason to bring it into the home. I'm surprised at the number of people who think it's no big deal.

 

[Dan Murphy]

I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way............I'm surprised at the number of people who think it's no big deal.

I knew there was more to you, Teresa, than an super fun evening at MGM with you and your hubby, capped with a good dinner at The Brown Derby.

But then again, I do get surprised by many things here on the DIS, LOL. Maybe I am just an old fogey. Yeah, that's it, too old.

 

[Disney_1derland]

Just wondering how you would feel if it was your daughter people were looking at ? There is no problem being open and exploritory with your partner as long as it is not at the expense of someone else who does not or cannot do or know any better....IMHO

If an ADULT makes a choice with their life and this is the particular industry they choose to work in, how can you say it is at their expense or that they cannot or do not know any better? I have worked in a business that had a large clientele of female performers (in an industry that has absolutely nothing to do with their industry) and NONE of them were uneducated, they were all extremely intelligent, most of them in school to become lawyers, doctors and many other varied professions. They were all in the adult business by choice. The choice they made as adults. Nobody forced them into it, nobody was keeping them in it. They were some of the most empowered women I have ever met. And yes, every single one that I can think of left that industry when they were done with school. Not because they felt degraded or anything like that, but because it had served it's purpose and they went on to bigger and better things.

I'm sure there are plenty of people out there who would fit your description, but I think to make such a sweeping statement and assume that it applies to everyone is the absolute wrong assumption to make.

As for how I would feel if it was my daughter, we are years away from that situation so I can't really answer that. I can tell you how I hope that I would react, but never having been in the situation I can't assume anything.

Thanks for the thought provoking discussion