how would you handle this ?

[joviroxx]

her job would become a priority drive. Where she is applying the hours should be workable around other schedules.

Wait, so now she can only apply for work that will give her hours that are workable around other schedules? Not only does she want to work but you are now limiting her options. Please tell me that I misunderstood you.

 

[Cinderella94]

her job would become a priority drive. Where she is applying the hours should be workable around other schedules.

I hope you mean that you know of a place that she has applied/will be applying that's known for being flexible with their employees' schedules. Otherwise, good luck with that.

 

[SaraJayne]

In my time here, I don't think I've ever felt more like I was talking to a brick wall than I do now.

It seems that even though every. single. post. in this thread disagrees with you, you just put your head down and barrel right along.

How can you not see how wrong you are?

 

[ilovejack02]

Stepmom here : ) boy we get a bad rap sometimes don't we?


I met my DH when my DSS was 4 years old, married DH when DSS turned 7 and he came to live with us when he was 13 until 19 yrs.

Your place in this young woman's life is to be a soft place to fall. You are not her mother , but you can be a mother figure at some point . Her father needs to make all rules and enforce all rules.

You need to step away from this and let Dad take over everything.

My DSS is now 21 we are very good friends, I adore him like he is my own, but I stay in back ground for everything, except when it comes to spoiling him LOL, then I bring it on even when Dad and Bio Mom disapprove ; ).

Good luck OP, I know how hard this if for you. When DS came to live with us, I wanted to jump in, be his Mom and take control of all aspects of his life just like I would do with my own. I quickly learned I can't do that and was told by family counselor that I couldn't do it . Once I learned to back off our family life became much easier. : )

I think you and yours may need a bit of counseling to help ease this transition.

This thread reminds me I need to call my boy and invite him over to dinner. I feel the need to remind him I love him very much!!

 

[SaraJayne]

I will repeat again, it is what I was told by my insurance agent.

her job would become a priority drive. Where she is applying the hours should be workable around other schedules.

Make sure she turns in a list of her siblings activities with her available hours, so her "bossy" is able to accomodate YOUR schedule.

Seriously, can you not see how ridiculous that is??

 

[DWGal210]

Wait, so now she can only apply for work that will give her hours that are workable around other schedules? Not only does she want to work but you are now limiting her options. Please tell me that I misunderstood you.

I was thinking that, too. As a HS kid, she will be low on the totem pole for shifts. The desirable shifts will be given first to those with seniority. If she turns in an availabilty schedule with so many restrictions, I can see them telling her it won't work out. She needs to be available for as many shifts as possible, excluding of course when she is at class.

 

[Hannathy]

I was thinking that, too. As a HS kid, she will be low on the totem pole for shifts. The desirable shifts will be given first to those with seniority. If she turns in an availabilty schedule with so many restrictions, I can see them telling her it won't work out. She needs to be available for as many shifts as possible, excluding of course when she is at class.

especially when she tells them she can never work a closing because are you ready for it......it is past her bedtime

 

[MaumeeMom]

OP,

I've read almost all 17 pages of posts and it seems like there are many common threads in the responses to your rules, I hope that you take them into consideration or I'm afraid that you are setting yourself up for a runaway situation.

99% of the people here agree that the bedtime you have planned for a 16 year old is out of line.

You've asked what others would do so here is my suggestion:

Plan two family meetings before writing out these rules. One with just your DH, DSD and yourself to negotiate the new rules and a second one with the whole family so that everyone is on the same page.

Your DSD should really be involved in setting the rules. Ask her how she does with bedtimes, ask her how she works on homework, etc.

As for homework, I used to have my DS do his right after school before he went out to play. He would take forever because he couldn't concentrate - he wanted to be with his friends. We came up with a compromise. He can play outside, or goof off, for an hour or so to decompress after school. He gets his homework done so much faster because he can concentrate on it - it is kind of like a family recess time.

You have mentioned that you eat at 7PM - there is no way - esp. at 16 that I could eat my dinner at 7PM and then be ready to sleep at 9:30PM. It wouldn't happen.

My suggestion is to let her work some things out for herself. Let her decide how to do her homework. If her grades slide or she isn't getting things done, sit down with DSD and discuss why and how to fix it.

Let DSD decide when to go to bed. Again, if she is too tired or not waking up, discuss with her how to fix this. There is no way at 16 that I would be asleep at 9:30. We just adjusted our DS 12yo's bedtime to 9:30 because, even though he would go to "bed" at 9, he wasn't falling asleep until after 10. If he goes to bed at 9:30 he isn't staring at the ceiling for an hour. Your DSD can't just switch her body's clock to your schedule. Some of this might need to be gradually changed.

I will go on record that a 10:30 bedtime on weekends for a 16 year old is setting her up to be ridiculed. Why? Weekends are for staying up late and having fun, watching movies, texting your girlfriends and talking about boys. OP, were you ever young?!

16 yo girls need privacy, Why not let her do her homework on the spare laptop in her bedroom with her music? I honestly cannot think of a reason why she couldn't be allowed this measure of freedom.

OP, I hope that you take some of these suggestions seriously and adjust your expectations, otherwise I do not foresee a happy ending for any of you.

Good luck!

 

[Cinderella94]

especially when she tells them she can never work a closing because are you ready for it......it is past her bedtime

 

[NHdisneylover]

OP--okay here is a very simple, concrete idea to hopefully help out a smidge--on stuff I think you will be willing to "give on":

It is not your kids' faults that you live in a rural area and some teachers do not give ample warning about projects. Even when they do, in a rural area supplies can sell out quickly and then you have to drive forever to get to where you can buy more. As a parent (since us parents decide where to live we have to make it work for our kids) we tried to help this by ALWAYS having common project items in the house. Keep a supply of paper, pens, pencils, markers, poster board, science display boards (the tri fold kind--I always had 2 in the house in NH), memory sticks, clay, sticky tack, folders, glue sticks, old magazines to cut up and pretty much anything else you think she might need for a project. it will help everyone out. Check it once a month and refill items as needed.

If you think more along these liens ("how can I help her help herself?") rather than thinking about which limits to impose, I think you will make a much more positive experience for all.

 

[RitaE]

By the way - it is extremely difficult for teens to find a job right now. Not having their own dedicated transportation and having to rely on a parent to drive them back and forth will further restrict it. Add in "oh yeah and I'm only available on the weekend with a 10:30 curfew" and if my sisters have something important going on I won't have a ride .... and they can pretty much forget about it. I really can't think of anywhere around here a teen could work with those kinds of restrictions.

And by the way, do you really think she can earn enough money working only weekends to pay for car/insurance/her cell phone/a new laptop and all her other expenses?

Whew. I don't know about that. My oldest son used to work 10 to 15 hours a week which is a pretty hefty schedule for a High School student and he didn't clear enough to pay for all that. I was kind of happy that he kept his gas tank filled, saved a little, and paid for his own movie tickets.

 

[lovin diz]

especially when she tells them she can never work a closing because are you ready for it......it is past her bedtime

ok...This one made me spit my coke out! Thanks

 

[RachaelA]

Is she going to get in trouble if she uses wire hangers too?

 

[PatsMom]

I was thinking that, too. As a HS kid, she will be low on the totem pole for shifts. The desirable shifts will be given first to those with seniority. If she turns in an availabilty schedule with so many restrictions, I can see them telling her it won't work out. She needs to be available for as many shifts as possible, excluding of course when she is at class.

Not sure where in NH the OP lives but around where I live most of the jobs require weekend and evening availability for the high school kids. And as many hours as possible in the summer if it is tourist related (and most jobs for the kids are). My daughter did OK waiting tables at a bar at the local ski area in the winter and working their summer activities (the ice cream girl is what they called her!). But she had to work the hours they dictated, not the other way around. If she hadn't driven herself it would have been a major inconvenience.

 

[BELLE1109]

while my step dad came into my life a bit earlier (around 12) I love and respect him as my bio father because he never once made me feel like I wasn't his 'real' daughter.
This girl became your daughter when you married your husband like it or not. You should not have married a man with children if you were not willing to raise her as your own.
Every rule you have established will make her feel untrusted and unloved, which is the opposite of what she needs. She will be with you for 2 years before college, don't waste it attempting to enforce antiquated rules.

 

[PrincessKsMom]

Just so OP doesn't feel completely alone, I'll give the following concessions to my own controlling ways:

DD14 (15 next month) has an 11 p.m. bedtime Sunday-Thursday. If she stays up a little later, or has to get homework done, that's fine.

Curfew on Friday and Saturday - 10 p.m., occasionally (very occasionally) I let her stay out until 10:30 p.m.

She's a high school Freshman and I still ask about projects/homework and inquire how it's going, provide friendly nudging reminders.

Our computer is in the livingroom area. Now DD is an only, so time is not an issue.

I do have DD14's FB password and I do check her page. By what I see going on and the things that are posted, I think more parents should keep an eye on what their kids are doing online. It also keeps DD from posting things like her friends because she's embarassed I'll see it and some of these kids should be. You should hear the things they say. I have not, however, told DD she needs to unfriend anyone. That's up to her. Also, I've seen a number of bullying FB pages and talking about who slept with who, who smokes pot, etc. Things like this, whether true or not, could ruin a lot of futures. I will only concede the FB page when she's probably about 16. I will say I've also seen some very supportive pages on FB, particularly in the wake of the recent rash of suicides, so it's not all bad. I realize they're teens and coming into their own, but I still feel better occasionally checking her page. FWIW, she has my password as well and is allowed to go on my page whenever she wants. I have nothing to hide.

DD has her own cell phone and I have been known, on occasion (much less so recently) to check her texts. Yeah, yeah, I know. In the beginning I thought it was key and it opened up a lot of discussions for us. Now I do it VERY rarely and NEVER mention anything I see. Again, it's for DD to decide how to handle certain situations and people and she's been doing a wonderful job.

I know my DD's not an angel and I honestly don't expect her to be, I just like to have some idea of what level she's on and what the newest obstacles are, so I know what discussions might be coming.

Okay, flame suit on (I feel like a superhero when I say that).

 

[ilovejack02]

Just so OP doesn't feel completely alone, I'll give the following concessions to my own controlling ways:

DD14 (15 next month) has an 11 p.m. bedtime Sunday-Thursday. If she stays up a little later, or has to get homework done, that's fine.

Curfew on Friday and Saturday - 10 p.m., occasionally (very occasionally) I let her stay out until 10:30 p.m.

She's a high school Freshman and I still ask about projects/homework and inquire how it's going, provide friendly nudging reminders.

Our computer is in the livingroom area. Now DD is an only, so time is not an issue.

I do have DD14's FB password and I do check her page. By what I see going on and the things that are posted, I think more parents should keep an eye on what their kids are doing online. It also keeps DD from posting things like her friends because she's embarassed I'll see it and some of these kids should be. You should hear the things they say. I have not, however, told DD she needs to unfriend anyone. That's up to her. Also, I've seen a number of bullying FB pages and talking about who slept with who, who smokes pot, etc. Things like this, whether true or not, could ruin a lot of futures. I will only concede the FB page when she's probably about 16. I will say I've also seen some very supportive pages on FB, particularly in the wake of the recent rash of suicides, so it's not all bad. I realize they're teens and coming into their own, but I still feel better occasionally checking her page. FWIW, she has my password as well and is allowed to go on my page whenever she wants. I have nothing to hide.

DD has her own cell phone and I have been known, on occasion (much less so recently) to check her texts. Yeah, yeah, I know. In the beginning I thought it was key and it opened up a lot of discussions for us. Now I do it VERY rarely and NEVER mention anything I see. Again, it's for DD to decide how to handle certain situations and people and she's been doing a wonderful job.

I know my DD's not an angel and I honestly don't expect her to be, I just like to have some idea of what level she's on and what the newest obstacles are, so I know what discussions might be coming.

Okay, flame suit on (I feel like a superhero when I say that).

She is your DD though , not a step daughter coming into the house at 16 after basically raising herself. : ) it is a much different dynamic and has to be handled as so.

I can't say this loud enough, OP , take it from experience, please let Dad handle his DD and the whole family needs to enter counseling to help learn to work as a team . : ) Even if your DH wants you to be the heavy, run away and run quickly and put the ball back in his court.

 

[Cinderella94]

She is your DD though , not a step daughter coming into the house at 16 after basically raising herself. : ) it is a much different dynamic and has to be handled as so.

AND 14 and 16 are not the same thing.

 

[postage stamp]

There's a really simple way to make a teenager untrustable.

Don't trust them.

There's a really simple way to make is teenager disrespectful.

Don't respect them.

There's a really simple way to make a teenager afraid to be an adult

Never let them make their own mistakes.

What is going to happen to this kid when she goes off to college or gets a place of her own without you over her shoulder to tell her when to eat, sleep, bathe, go to work, and socialize? She'll have NO clue how to determine her priorities because she's never HAD her own. She's only had YOURS.

 

[DeluxePrincess]

Is she going to get in trouble if she uses wire hangers too?

Oh no you didn't!!