How/When do you teach your children about hatred?

[AquamarineSteph]

You always have to think about the age of the child vs. what they can understand. I know we all think our kids are brilliant. (Of course, they are!!) But there is a difference between what we as adults can understand and what children at this age, that age, etc., can truly process.

For instance - I sent my child to the Orthodox (Jewish) day school in kindergarten. EVERY time I dropped her off at school, I knew there was a chance that something could happen b/c the school was located on the grounds of a synagogue. This was a constant worry until she transitioned to public school. (And seriously - who doesn't worry about sending their kids to public schools now???)

Long story short - I told my child that the constant safety drills, back up plans (the Jewish day school had excellent plans in place, although please note that this was PRE 9/11) were because people hated us for existing. I don't know another way of explaining being Jewish in America, but I did tell her that not everyone hated us. It was just certain people who were afraid of people different from themselves.

My family has been here since roughly 1680. There is hate. BUT there is also hope, because not everyone hates those who are different from themselves. And THAT is the best answer I can give. If you don't hate 'others' then you are way ahead of everyone else, and you make our country the amazing place that it is.

 

[Soldier's*Sweeties]

You don't tell them. You show them.

This.

I don’t think it needs to be a sit-down conversation, but use moments such as this to inject your teachings(I hope that makes sense).

 

[LovesTimone]

As a kid growing up in the 60's, my parents taught us to look at people for how they treat you and the others kids and base your friendships on this... Not the color of a person skin, or where they choose to worship, or what neighborhood they live in. Be nice to everyone but don't let someone get you into trouble and how to stand up for yourself, be respectful to adults, if something doesn't feel right you need to tell us, teachers, or principle, police and be honest. They discussed things happening on the news with me on my level. I remember the Kent State demonstration and shooting, in 1970... I was 8 years old, my parents talked to me about it, on my level, about the Vietnam War and what was going on. So I could understand but not be afraid.

When I had my daughter, I taught her to look at people for how they treat you, and others, base your friendships on this... Not the color of a person skin, or where they choose to worship, or their sexual orientation or where they live. Be nice to everyone but don't let someone get you into trouble and how to stand up for yourself, be respectful to adults, if something doesn't feel right or makes you uncomfortable you need to tell me or your grandparents, teachers, or principle, police and be honest. I discussed with her as she went to school if something was to happen what to do, follow instructions right away, listen to teachers, or police, Get down, get behind something, hide, wait for police or teachers. Even in private school they practiced what to do, how to open and get out of a window in the classroom if needed, when and where to run to, help each other. She did ask question as she got older why, would someone do these things... So I explained to her on her level what was happening, and I tried not to make her afraid, but give her skills to protect herself. My Brother was a deputy at the time, so she one time asked him why did people do bad things... She was around 10 years old at the time... His answer was " I really don't know, some times people just are lost and don't know what is the right thing to do, some people just have problems and act out, others are full of hate and do horrible things. There are many reasons and sometimes there is no reason... I wish I had the answers for you. That's why I do what I do, try to help people stay safe."

Talking about it, while difficult... is better than whatever the child is thinking on their own.

 

[aprilgail]

9/11 happened when my daughter was little- there was no hiding what was happening we are in NY, kids in her school had parents that were killed-I never hid anything that was happening from her even when she was little, we talked about it and I explained it the best a young child could understand. By 7 I would certainly tell them what was happening and why some people hate. When my daughter was in kindergarten the kid next to her used to sing to herself all the time all these religious songs about hate- hating gays etc- on Halloween she told my daughter that the devil was going to get into her soul and suck it out because she celebrated Halloween- that was a another whole conversation we had to get into. I don't think they are ever to young, just have to bring it down to a level thy understand. Some people hide death from kids- its a part of life I never felt the need to hide that, from the time she was in diapers she would go to wakes and behave properly and pay our respects- my beloved godson died when he was 14 and she was almost 3, he was around us all the time and so loved by both of us you just can't say "oh he is gone and we wont see him anymore' without explaining a bit more than that even at 3 years old.

 

[rajak73]

Kids are grown now, talked about it while watching tv. Watching a show on segregation one evening, my youngest asked why they couldn't drink out of the white water fountain? Hard to explain why they couldn't. Me: Because they were a different color. Him: Yeh, but what does that have to do with it? Me: I don't know why that had anything to do with it. Him: So why couldn't they drink from the other fountain then? Me: Because there were idiots at that time?

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

Whenever one said "I hate (fill in annoying classmate", I immediately said "don't hate" even though I know they don't mean it.

Three of our children are white and one is black so my kids have experienced questions, prejudice, racism, and ignorance early on. Our best solution has been to talk about these experiences as they come along. If something happened at school, then I called the school and expected them to nip it in the bud. In the last few years, they've seen how easily people succumb to hate over their own personal failures or insecurities and how some people (including leaders) exploit that hate.

Overall, we just try to lead by example and my kids have learned to listen to other people's experiences. Most important, we try to teach that love wins.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I think things tend to be a fluid situation rather than "they reached X age let's talk about it" with regards to this. I think you can have some conversations when children are young but they are age appropriate. I do think kids repeat things they hear in which they have no understanding of and I do think that can make a difference in how you approach it.

I do agree that often behaviors such that you are talking about are taught at home but I think there is a difference between someone who has developed such behaviors over time and ones who were taught them. You can have an environment that was not filled with hatred or intolerance and yet have someone who has become filled with that. You also have people who commit acts in which they are mentally unstable, in which they are a sociopath or a psychopath, in which a catalyst occured in their lives and they sought out information (but that information led them down a very disturbing path), etc.

I've known or interacted with people over time who have expressed views that I do not agree with. I think that will be a much more common scenario than using hatred as the defining point. People may interact with someone of a different skin color or ethnicity in a certain way but it doesn't mean it's borne out of hatred. People may interact with someone of a different sexual orientation in a certain way but it doesn't mean it's borne out of hatred. People may interact with those who have cognitive disabilities or genetic disorders in a certain way but it doesn't mean it's borne out of hatred. People may interact with someone of a specific gender in a certain but it doesn't mean it's borne out of hatred. And so on. For sure it could be hatred but it's not always. It could be unfamiliarity, eliciting stereotypes (especially confining ones like women belong in the kitchen as an easy example), life experience, etc. I find myself interacting and thinking differently about the situation when it doesn't appear to be hatred driving the response.

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

I've known or interacted with people over time who have expressed views that I do not agree with. I think that will be a much more common scenario than using hatred as the defining point. People may interact with someone of a different skin color or ethnicity in a certain way but it doesn't mean it's borne out of hatred. People may interact with someone of a different sexual orientation in a certain way but it doesn't mean it's borne out of hatred. People may interact with those who have cognitive disabilities or genetic disorders in a certain way but it doesn't mean it's borne out of hatred. People may interact with someone of a specific gender in a certain but it doesn't mean it's borne out of hatred. And so on. For sure it could be hatred but it's not always. It could be unfamiliarity, eliciting stereotypes (especially confining ones like women belong in the kitchen as an easy example), life experience, etc. I find myself interacting and thinking differently about the situation when it doesn't appear to be hatred driving the response.

I can agree many of those situations aren't borne out of hatred. But that doesn't make it ok for someone to be treated differently.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I can agree many of those situations aren't borne out of hatred. But that doesn't make it ok for someone to be treated differently.

I'm not sure why you would even question me about that TBH. Did something in my comment denote that I thought it was ok? No I don't believe something did. The OP was focused on hate, particularly due to the synagogue incident it appeared. IMO the people you are most likely to interact with on a daily basis are those whose opinions were not formulated by actual hatred but rather other things thus my explanatory comments.

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

I'm not sure why you would even question me about that TBH. Did something in my comment denote that I thought it was ok? No I don't believe something did. The OP was focused on hate, particularly due to the synagogue incident it appeared. IMO the people you are most likely to interact with on a daily basis are those whose opinions were not formulated by actual hatred but rather other things thus my explanatory comments.

TBH?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

TBH?

To be honest.

 

[Boardwalk Jedi]

To be honest.

Gotcha. Thank you. No nothing offended me. But it was a topic I almost addressed in my previous post. We have experienced prejudice and ignorance. It wasn't always mean spirited. Some was people being curious. A lot of times it was people that were taken aback. But it wasn't comfortable for us and it could be offensive.

 

[DopeyDame]

When dealing with difficult subjects, I like to fall back to children's books. It might be a copout, but I love having someone else's thoughtful words to help broach the topic, and then I'll follow up with my own thoughts/questions.

At your kids' ages, I loooooooooove the "I am..." series by Brad Meltzer. I am Rosa Parks, I am Ghandi, and I am Martin Luther King, Jr. are all great openings for discussions of hatred and racism, and could easily be extended to include antisemitism. (They also have I am Jackie Robinson and I am Sacagewa, which I imagine would be good for this topic as well, but I haven't read them yet.)
I also really like Malala's Magic Pencil. It handles the violence against her beautifully, and allows you to fill in the gaps with as much info as you think is appropriate for your kids.

In any case, I absolutely think - at least for your Kindergartner - it's worth addressing in some way.

 

[cruiser21]

I’ve never taught my kids about hatred. I just teach them to be nice to other people. You don’t have to agree with someone, approve of their lifestyle, or have anything in common with them but you do have to be nice. It’s called tolerance.

 

[Fldisneyfamily4321]

Very early unfortunately... hubby is a LEO so we have had to address things like that at a young age .

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

What I see happening nowadays that is so difficult is that racism and hatred and inciteful speech are being covered up, excused, twisted/turned into looking at something else instead, or dismissed as not being what it is That is Everywhere. So not only do I believe it starts at home like some have said, what also starts at home is calling it out when you hear it, even if that person is "on your team".

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

even if that person is "on your team".

I'm curious what do you mean by this?

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

Deleted

 

[dish rag]

Deleted

Missed it! Would love to know.

 

[MomofKatie]

When DD was little, we talked about love and kindness. How all kinds of people love each other and how love and kindness are the most important thing. We also talked about how some people felt love wasn't as important as other ideas and it made them unkind to some people. Sometimes even hurt other people because they were unhappy and unkind.

DD has grown up to be a kind, compassionate, and incredibly accepting person I'm proud of. I hope we helped shape her attitudes with our example and guidance. She knows bad things happen and there are people who do terrible things, but she also knows that most people are good.