How much autonomy should an 18 year old home from college have?

[mjkacmom]

Our eldest 18yo DD has just started at uni 2hrs away. This semester her classes are only Mon-Wed so even though she has a dorm room she drives home Wednesday after class then returns Sunday evening.

This way she keeps her part time job here plus sees her friends and family. She is expected to participate in Sunday brunch with us (includes both widowed grandmothers).

We have a tracking app on her phone anyway so can see where she is but we do have the expectation that she tells us when and where she is going. If she has work the next day, she is expected to be home by midnight.

Here in Australia she is of legal age so can go out drinking / host her friends here for drinks. The only rules around drinking are NEVER drink and drive plus phone your parents if you ever need a lift home - no questions asked. Why pay for an Uber when your Mum or Dad is willing to come and pick you up. My FIL said the same thing to us when we were 18 so we have the same rule.

I’m thrilled my kids can Uber instead of calling us, it’s pretty frequent when they’re home from college. Our Saint Patrick’s day parade was Saturday so a lot of Ubers for bar hopping. My kids rarely came home from college on weekends, jobs were near/on campus, my oldest was only 45 minutes away and had a train station on campus, she was allowed to come home when my mom was dying, even though it made my mom feel guilty.

 

[mjkacmom]

I always told my kids ask first for overnight guests, you can call or wake us up, but if I found a random person on the couch I still wouldnt be that upset, more grateful that somebody had the sound mind to crash and be safe vs. walking home on a highway, hitchhiking, or driving under or with somebody under the influence or simply late at night tired with other idiots on the roads...

Might be annoyed but as a parent I hope other parents accept the same occassional, random couch guest.. to keep our kids safe.

My kids have had the same friends for years, many since kindergarten. They are always welcomed here, they know where the spare keys are, and don’t even knock during the day when doors are open. I’ve had other kids sleeping here when my kids weren’t even home.

 

[tzolkin]

Our oldest DS is 18 and lives on campus at college about an hour away, and comes home some weekends. When he’s home I feel we are pretty flexible regarding him seeing friends, hanging out and generally dictating for himself things he wants to do. We do though have certain expectations of him to do some activities with the family (or just spending some time at home), and we have curfews (sort of, we aren’t super strict if a bit late).

I feel though he’s been less and less cooperative and only wanting to do exactly what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. When I was in college and I came home it basically like I was back under my parents rule again and I wasn’t fully autonomous until I got married and moved out.

I feel like we aren’t as strict as my parents were, but I’m starting to feel by his reactions that he wants to be able to do his own thing without any resistance from us. He’s almost acting like he’s already moved out and living as he wishes. I know it must be a bit of an adjustment coming back home after living at his apartment independently, but isn’t it okay to still have certain expectations while he’s still living in it house? How much independence do your kids have when they’re home from college? I feel like of the things we do ask of him that we might sound (to him) like we’re nagging a lot.

You mention having "certain expectations" a few times. None of us can tell you whether those are realistic since you didn't detail what those expectations are, but definitely worth defining those expectations very clearly in your home.

I bolded a few items that stuck out that I think are what need further clarification. (Obviously, you don't need to justify yourself to us random strangers on the internet, so no need to list your expectations on this thread. But, even if you don't share here, I think these would be helpful for you to discuss in detail with your partner as well as your son to make sure you are on the same page.)

Regarding curfews, your child being "less cooperative", and potential "nagging". I assume these are part of the expectations you mentioned. Perhaps it would be worth thinking through your expectations in detail and exactly why you expect them. Are there particular practical reasons? Is it just the way you have always done things? How you think parents and children are supposed to interact?

You say you're not as strict as your parents (you were "under their rule" until you were married), but just because you are less strict does not necessarily mean that you're still not too strict. It could be that your upbringing is influencing what you think are "normal" expectations for an adult child. My parents were extremely strict, so my siblings think they are lenient parents by comparison, but they are still way more controlling and have much different expectations with their children than what I do with mine (25, 20, and about to turn 18).

When you think through each of your expectations, you may find that some are unnecessary or unhealthy and you can let those go. Those that you deem to be essential, you will have a clear understanding of exactly why you feel they are important and can communicate that clearly with your son. It could be that he simply didn't really know exactly what your expectations were or he may have been hesitant to comply because he didn't understand the reason behind it.

 

[iivye]

Once my daughter turned 18 we had no rules. She went to community college but lived at home. She is a good kid who has always worked and doesn't drink or do drugs as far as we know so that made it easy. If she had no job and slept all day or was always getting drunk or high I'm sure we would put some rules in place. Since we considered her an adult at 18, I also stopped treating her like a child. No more making her dentist/doctor appointments, scheduling oil changes or dealing with her school. We would let her know if we were getting together with family or going to dinner but she had the choice of whether or not she wanted to go.

 

[robinb]

Our oldest DS is 18 and lives on campus at college about an hour away, and comes home some weekends. When he’s home I feel we are pretty flexible regarding him seeing friends, hanging out and generally dictating for himself things he wants to do. We do though have certain expectations of him to do some activities with the family (or just spending some time at home), and we have curfews (sort of, we aren’t super strict if a bit late).

I feel though he’s been less and less cooperative and only wanting to do exactly what he wants to do and when he wants to do it. When I was in college and I came home it basically like I was back under my parents rule again and I wasn’t fully autonomous until I got married and moved out.

I feel like we aren’t as strict as my parents were, but I’m starting to feel by his reactions that he wants to be able to do his own thing without any resistance from us. He’s almost acting like he’s already moved out and living as he wishes. I know it must be a bit of an adjustment coming back home after living at his apartment independently, but isn’t it okay to still have certain expectations while he’s still living in it house? How much independence do your kids have when they’re home from college? I feel like of the things we do ask of him that we might sound (to him) like we’re nagging a lot.

I gave my DD24 a lot of independence starting the summer between HS and college.

That first break home after fall semester of freshman year can be a doozy. The young adult is used to living on their own with no parental interference and the parents just want the kid they sent away back home. It's a difficult realization that your college student is adult visiting home and is no longer a little boy or girl. Sometimes kids are not even prepared to be on their own and that first semester is eye awakening and they resist their parents "rule" when they come home even more. Note to parents of HS seniors, that is one of the reasons I gave my DD independence early (no curfew, etc.) so she could practice it with a safety net of living at home and wouldn't go overboard once she was at school.

I think it's really smart of you to think about this well before the summer between freshman and sophomore year comes. I think it is OK to have some expectations, but those expectations should be different than they were last year. General expectations along the lines of common curtesy are fine: clean up after yourself, contribute to the running of the house, let me know if you'll be home for dinner, call and let me know if you're going to out late. But infantilizing and controlling rules will only push your young adult away. If you're nagging a lot then the rules are not working. You need to bring your young adult on board to discuss and agree to rules that work for both of you instead of dictating "my house, my rules.".

 

[aprilgail]

My daughter was 17 when she went to college and from the day she went to college to live she became and adult in my eyes. She came home when she wanted to (which was pretty often the first semester) but when she was home she was on her own- all I asked is that if she was going to be staying out all night to let me know so I didn't worry about her. I did not expect her to do anything family wise unless she wanted to.

 

[Minnesota!]

My oldest is 19, sophomore in college. When he comes home, the only "rules" are that he cleans up after himself, lets me know a round-about time he plans to come home (no curfew, though..), and that he sets the alarm when he does get home.

I figure, at this point, he is an adult and nobody tells ME when to come and go, so I am not going to hold him to that, either.

Oh, and no drinking and driving. What he does in Iowa is on him. But, here in my house, we have a one-drop rule and, as far as I know, he has always stuck to it.

 

[Lumpy1106]

Pretty much full autonomy. In my case they (a JR and a FROSH in college) are adults, living on their own. One lives fairly close in a very party-centric college town so we encourage him to come home whenever he can so he can reset and get some decent sleep (and that's pretty much what he does when he is home). The other lives far away in a very quiet college town and she pretty much keeps to herself when she comes home as she did before she left home. Both have free rein to do whatever they want when they are home - we just ask the courtesy to give us an idea when they will be home if they go out, but no restrictions on that.

This is not, I repeat NOT what I expected - but then COVID. So much of their normal life was taken away that I have no problem with them interacting with their friends however they see fit. They are responsible or they would not be in college.

Edit to add;
Question for the group - how would you handle things if your adult-child DID NOT attend college? I and going to guess it makes a big difference - it would in my case.

 

[Lumpy1106]

I think it's really smart of you to think about this well before the summer between freshman and sophomore year comes. I think it is OK to have some expectations, but those expectations should be different than they were last year. General expectations along the lines of common curtesy are fine: clean up after yourself, contribute to the running of the house, let me know if you'll be home for dinner, call and let me know if you're going to out late. But infantilizing and controlling rules will only push your young adult away.

I totally agree with this, especially the bolded part, and I can speak from my own experience. I had come home for the summer and even had a full-time summer job that was relevant to my degree. DM tried to have all the same house rules and restrictions I did when I was in HS and it was just beyond annoying. I moved out.

 

[PacificCoaster]

Full autonomy. I respected that once my kids turned 18 they were adults and treated them as such. Young adults for sure but adults nonetheless.

 

[robinb]

Edit to add;
Question for the group - how would you handle things if your adult-child DID NOT attend college? I and going to guess it makes a big difference - it would in my case.

I have not had to consider that IRL, but I think I would allow the same freedom except I would expect my young adult to have a full time job. There may be normal hiccups with a job at first that I would try to be patient with as part of the adulting learning experience.

 

[SirDuff]

Heck, I'm a full-grown adult but when I go back home, I let my dad and stepmom know when I'm out for evening and will be out for dinner. Just respectful, in my opinion. Especially if I'm in their condo (I try to get the guest suite in their building but sometimes it isn't available and I stay in their office/guest room).

I currently live over 8,000 miles from home, but I let my family know my travel plans (i.e. when I'm leaving the country). I tend to travel in a lot of countries that are on the "avoid non-essential travel" list, so family appreciates knowing.

 

[amylevan]

I think there’s a big difference between the common courtesy of letting your housemates know that you’ll be out late, whether you’ll be home or not for dinner, not coming home at night… And a curfew with a time that someone is expected to be home by. What are you going to do if they break curfew? Ground them? They are 18!

As for other expectations, I think sitting down and discussing them with your (adult!) child is a good start. What and why do you want them to participate in? But you need to be ready to hear they why’s of why they don’t want or feel the need to participate. And let it go. They are making their way out in the world like they are supposed to.

 

[mumto3girls]

I don’t have too many rules for my college kids. Once they go away to school they come and go as they please at school so it feels silly to try to stuff that genie back in the bottle when they are home.

Having said that, we still expect courtesy. I am fine with them setting their own schedules, but I do prepare meals so like to know if they will be joining us or not. And let us know if you are going to be out late or overnight so we aren’t worried or startled when you come in. Oldest DD has not had a local boyfriend but middle DD did for a while. His parents were far more strict than we are so him staying over wasn’t really as issue. I think he did stay a few nights when the rest of us were out of town and his parents thought he was at school. I probably wouldn’t have minded him staying when we were there as long as I knew ahead of time (don’t want to run into him in the hallway when I am not decently dressed) and would never want to be put in a position of deceiving his parents. Both families still have a high schooler still at home and we run into them occasionally so that could have come up.

I don’t expect a lot of family time other than major holidays and even that is negotiable. I might say something along the lines of, “Grandpa is coming for dinner Sunday—if you don’t have plans, please try to be here”. Or,”while everyone is home we’d like to go out to dinner one night. Which night works for you?”But if they already had something going on it wouldn’t be a big deal. I figure the more I try to force things the more they are likely to push back. I’d rather they want to join us.

Drinking and driving is my only non-negotiable. I also don’t serve anyone under 21, but once they are legal they are welcome to drink here as long as they are staying or have a sober ride. Drugs haven’t come up although I know both my older girls use edibles occasionally at school. As long as they aren’t driving and are safe, I don’t have major issues with it.

I am stricter with my high schooler. She will turn 18 very quickly after the start of her senior year this fall. I think that year is a little trickier (adult still in high school) but her sisters were the same way and we managed. We definitely start giving more and more freedom and see how they handle it. The older two handled it well as far as I could tell so I hope she follows their lead. I can’t imagine grounding an 18 year old, but she drives a car we own so I guess that is our leverage. we don’t need it.

 

[Skippy918]

Heck, I'm a full-grown adult but when I go back home, I let my dad and stepmom know when I'm out for evening and will be out for dinner. Just respectful, in my opinion. Especially if I'm in their condo (I try to get the guest suite in their building but sometimes it isn't available and I stay in their office/guest room).

I currently live over 8,000 miles from home, but I let my family know my travel plans (i.e. when I'm leaving the country). I tend to travel in a lot of countries that are on the "avoid non-essential travel" list, so family appreciates knowing.

My parents still want us to tell them our travel plans. I’m in my 40s with 2 kids. To be fair, they did give us their detailed itinerary when they went on their trip.

 

[Sykes]

Pretty close to full autonomy. It's reasonable to have some house rules (e.g. requiring permission for overnight guests, avoiding illegal activity [including underage drinking], etc.) but otherwise I'd be using this opportunity to teach him how to be a good housemate rather than setting rules that restrict his autonomy. IMO, a curfew is pretty silly, but asking him to let you know if he won't be joining for dinner or will be in late so you can adjust your plans accordingly is perfectly reasonable. And expecting him to clean up after himself, be respectful of noise late at night, etc. is also par for the course.

 

[tzolkin]

Edit to add;
Question for the group - how would you handle things if your adult-child DID NOT attend college? I and going to guess it makes a big difference - it would in my case.

Curious why it would make a difference?
If anything, I would think it would be the opposite-- that the child would have LESS autonomy if the parents were paying for college/housing/etc because the parents may feel more entitled to have input since it's their money supporting the child.

My middle daughter (turning 20 this month) did not go away to college but that has not made any difference in how we interact with her versus her older sister (25). If anything, she is the most independent/autonomous of all our kids. She travels alone, has saved over $30k, handles her own medical/dental/auto/pet care, etc. Regardless of whether she went to college, she is a responsible adult. I don't think I should have any authority over whether she stays out all night or what choices she makes for herself.

That said, I feel like my kids were fairly autonomous even as teens. Do most parents have a bunch of rules that they immediately drop once their child becomes an adult?

There's not something magical that happens the day you turn 18 to make you an adult, so in our home there's not much of a difference between how much autonomy they had at 16/17 and after 18. My oldest had just turned 17 when she went off to college, but we started treating her as if she were an adult well before that to ensure she would have the skills to be independent once she left the house.

 

[jeneric997]

My "kidults" as I call them, have one rule when they come home. Do not ask me, "What's for dinner?". Other than that, we don't have rules. They have always told me their plans etc. They share their location with me. I didn't even know they did that until one of them showed me on my phone. Both went to school states away. With DD23, out of school, I check her location before I text to make sure she isn't at work or out, because I don't want to bother. DD20 texts me if she is out late to say she got home or to say goodnight. They are girls and they communicate- I know that is not always true with every kid and especially boys.

OP- lots of parents struggle with this. One of the colleges sent us an email before summer talking about this issue and expectations to have and that conflicts might happen. Sounds like he is a great Kidult, it's an adjustment, just talk it out with him.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

OP- lots of parents struggle with this. One of the colleges sent us an email before summer talking about this issue and expectations to have and that conflicts might happen.

My alma mater during freshman orientation had sessions just for the parents. Some was concentrated on things like financial aid information, some was concentrated on discussing legalities of information they are privy to (such as grades, etc which had to be released by the students themselves and how to not pressure your student to authorize this as well as medical information), some was concentrated on trying to help parents adjust to life with a college student. This was in 2006 so it's hardly a new concept to help prepare parents too. (personally an e-mail is likely to not get the point across as well as in person but lifestyles change and e-mail is heavily utilized I just think it could easily be forgotten, deleted, not even looked at).

As much as our society talks about the changes and adjustments students go through I think parents and guardians need that help too. Regardless of whether the student lives at home or is just visiting, regardless of whether it is a 4 yr vs community college or public vs private, regardless of whether a parent helps contribute financially or not, etc.

 

[kymom99]

My son lives at home half of the year now that he is out of college. He still tells me where he is going and if he is coming home. I would expect him to tell anyone he lives with those things. That’s just safety and common courtesy. Also, he came home very drunk one night. (He wasn’t driving.) this is pretty out of character. But regardless, if my husband didn’t know to expect him home, he might have passed out on the driveway. Seriously. It wasn’t a good scene.