How do I explain my Fathers death to my autistic DS?

[Nik's Mom]

Hi friends,
My Father passed away from cancer last week. My home was the place of grieving. All week, family has been coming here to comfort my Mom. We've been crying all week, but I just couldn't bring myself to tell my DS. I just didn't know how. Well, when we were at the funeral yesterday, he patted my Dad's coufin and said "Grandpa's dead." Today he said the same thing, then said "I said bye, Grandpa." I know he saw my Dad suffer the last few days of his life. I really didn't want him to see my Dad like that, but my Dad said the only thing that made him happy was to see the kids running around him. Well now I see my poor ds having a tough time. Needless to say, his scedule is totally off, and he is surounded by sadness.
We've decided to go on with our WDW vacation just like Dad wanted us to. I'm just so worried how all of this has effected my ds. Any suggestions on how to help him deal with this?
I do have to say that in the last week, my ds's speech has blossomed! Maybe it's Dad's spirit. He was sad to see my ds struggle and always told me "Don't worry. He'll be fine."

 

[mbb]

to you...

Faith and belief is a hard concept for our concrete thinkers...heaven has to be somewhere, and if you can go, why can't you come back?

We talk lots about love, and that the people we love are remembered in our hearts, and sometimes being sad is part of the remembering...just like the laughing, and sometimes the quiet..

I wish I had better words for you...peace and blessings to you and your family...

Mary Beth

 

[Nik's Mom]

Thanks. It's so hard to explain it to my son. I appreciate your kind words.

 

[Ambassador]

When my father passed away last month, we found some excellent childrens books at our library. They put Grandpa's death into images and words that the kids could better understand. We speak of Grandpa in happy and positive terms now, about how they remind us of him or things he liked and did, and how much he loved them. May God bless you and your family.

 

[Nik's Mom]

When my father passed away last month, we found some excellent childrens books at our library. They put Grandpa's death into images and words that the kids could better understand. We speak of Grandpa in happy and positive terms now, about how they remind us of him or things he liked and did, and how much he loved them. May God bless you and your family.

What a great idea! I will definitely head to the book store. Thanks for your words of encouragement.

 

[riu girl]

I am so sorry to hear about your loss. We are in a similar situation. My dad has been fighting caaner for almost three years and we were told that it is indeed terminal and about 3 weeks ago (March Break) we were told he had just a few days left (his kidneys were failing). Well the kidneys have started working again (the doctors are shocked), but the bone cancer is still terminal. When the kidneys were failing, I was basically a basket case (during March break, running around making funeral arrangements, his will and power of attorney etc etc). Now it turns out it was all a trial run for what is yet to come.
At the time we thought he was dying, I sat DD7 down and told her the situation and she sank into a bout of depression like I have never seen (she ia ADHD, SID/ASD tendencies, but DH suffers from major depression and I see it in her also). She was so upset he wouldn't be here for her birthday (April 13). Now it looks like he will still be with us by then, so this is even more confusing for her.

Sorry to ramble, my point...at the funeral home they gave us a colouring book and a couple of childrens books to help us explain the situation to her. At first she wouldn't look at the books, but then did and THEY HELPED SO MUCH. She is totally accepting of the situation and like the rest of us, is just wondering how much time we have left with my dad.

I also spoke to a social worker (at the pallitive care home he was supposed to pass away in, he is now at home due to the temporary improvements) and she offered me the same books that the funeral home gave us.

If you are able, go get a couple books. If you are unable to get any, please pm me your mailing address and I will send you mine. I can always get more.

I am so glad that you are still going to WDW. If WDW ísn't therapy for all of you, I don't know what would be. I am planning on taking the kids away as soon as my dad passes also.

Your family will be in my prayers
Suzy V.

 

[SueOKW]

Know what? From what I read, it sounds like he's doing pretty darn good! There were some real positive things you wrote up there. Yes, there are some great books out there.

I hope you'll be fine too....

 

[Nik's Mom]

Thanks to all of you. I thing my ds is probably handling it pretty well, but I hate that he has to watch us grieve. He is so sensitive to other people's feelings.
riu girl, my heart goes out to you! My Dad was diagnosed with lung cancer in October, but the doctors were very optimistic that he would make it. He just went down hill, and in the end, they thought it may have spread in the bones, and I believe his kidneys were also failing. I'm just glad he died at home with my Mom and his favorite sister by his side.
Thank you for your words of comfort. I'm going to look into the coloring book.
Thanks to all of you!

 

[scroot]

Perhaps a bit trite but the Lion King is a good death illustration (the whole he lives in you idea as well as the great kings in the sky). I have used it when discussing death with young children (I am a pastor so I get to do this from time to time). Sorry for you loss. You will be in my prayers.

 

[SueM in MN]

Very sorry to hear about your news.
I agree that it sounds like your DS is handling things quite well.
it also looks like you got a lot of good advice.
The Lion King also sounds like a really good way to bring up the subject.
For books, a few I have read and thought were good are:
Where's Heaven? by Maria Shriver
The Tenth Good Thing About Barney by Judith Viorst

My dad died when my youngest DD was 9. He had cancer and was doing pretty well, then had a relapse and elected not to go thru chemo again. DD had seen him sick and getting sicker, but I was not sure how to explain to her that he was going to die. She is non-verbal (although she does sign), so I didn't even know if she would be able to let us know what she was thinking.
I had gotten the books listed above, but to introduce the subject, I asked her if she knew what "dead" meant. Since we had not discussed death before, I expected her to shake her head "no" and then we would go on and read the books. She surprised me tremendously by saying "yes." So, I asked her if she could figure out a way to tell me what dead meant. She nodded her head "yes" and surprised me even more by what came next. She signed "all finished" then "sleep" pointed to her eye and then shut her eyes tight, at the same time putting her thumb and index finger tight together next to her eye. I figured if she could sign that, she understood and we never did end up using the books.
The morning that he actually died, after I told her, she kept doing the sign for Grandpa, but instead of starting it from the usual place, she was signing it from the top of her head and then took her index finger, put it on the top of her head and then soft of floated her hand until the finger pointed straight up. It took me a while to figure out, but I finally figured she was trying to say he went to heaven. Later, when we talked about him, she would point at her head (I figured out by asking her that she meant he was in her memory).
Another interesting thing was at my dad's memorial service, she would not let us get her out of the van to go in. She signed "Grandma cry" and we did a lot of talking to convince her to go in. She did fine in the service.
Afterwards, we went back to my mom's apartment. My nephew (who was 5 at the time) was looking all over, in the bathroom, under the bed, in the closets. Someone asked him what he was doing and he said he was looking for Grandpa. My sister thought he was just being silly, but he was honestly in a panic and a few years later he was diagnosed with Aspergers. Knowing that, his reaction made a lot of sense. Even though he was attending a paraochial school and hearing about heaven a lot, it was too much of an abstract idea for him to get at that time.

So anyway, it sounds like your DS (like my DD) understands a lot more than you might think.
Lots of pixie dust to you.

 

[Nik's Mom]

What a touching story, SueM. DSis continuing to deal with the loss. Just today he came up to my Mom and said "I said by to Grandpa". He seems to sense that my Mom is still sad. He had a major melt down today when it was time to go to school. With everything going on, his schedule has been turned upside down! I had to explain to my Mom that he is still coping with the loss just like the rest of us.
Thanks to everyone for their support and great advise. Time heals all wounds.

 

[newholidayx2]

{{hugs}} How old is your son?

We lost my father when DS was 2, we lost FIL when DS was 4

 

[Nik's Mom]

My autistic ds will be 6 in May, and I have a soon to be 3 year old. We'll be taking the kids to WDW in 2 weeks to get their minds off of things.

 

[disney_teen90]

I think I can help you. My little brother, David, is autistic. Well, about six years ago, out great-grandpa died. We all had a real hard time dealing with it, but David didn't realize right off the bat what was going on. Nobody but him has brought it up. BUT he knows that our g.g. is in a better place now. He's in heaven. Everything's better up there. Just try to explain to him/her where they are. It may take some examples to make them understand it.

I also think I can help you with your trip. We all know that WDW is one of the most popular parks in the world, so expect to wait in line. Luckily, there's a special pass for people with disabled people. It's called a special needs pass. You, your disabled child, and anybody else with you can go to the front of the line or pretty close. It's helps sooooooooo much. PLUS, you can use it in any park. You can get it at the ticket/info. center or at any of the parks (normally where you would rent strollers, wheelchairs, etc.) It's gotta be one of the greatest things Disney has come out with. Also, don't worry about it if your child doesn't understand something. Believe me, it's all a little overwhelming. I hope I've helped in some way. AND HAVE FUN ON YOUR TRIP!!

~An Experienced Disney Teen AKA: Katie

 

[SueM in MN]

I also think I can help you with your trip. We all know that WDW is one of the most popular parks in the world, so expect to wait in line. Luckily, there's a special pass for people with disabled people. It's called a special needs pass. You, your disabled child, and anybody else with you can go to the front of the line or pretty close. It's helps sooooooooo much. PLUS, you can use it in any park. You can get it at the ticket/info. center or at any of the parks (normally where you would rent strollers, wheelchairs, etc.) It's gotta be one of the greatest things Disney has come out with. Also, don't worry about it if your child doesn't understand something. Believe me, it's all a little overwhelming. I hope I've helped in some way. AND HAVE FUN ON YOUR TRIP!!

~An Experienced Disney Teen AKA: Katie

The Special Needs Pass you mention has been called a Guest Assistance Card (we abbreviate it as GAC on this board to avoid typing so much) since about 1999. Before that, it was called a Special Assistance Pass; the name was changed because people thought a "pass" meant that they would get immediate access. It's possible that things have changed since you were at WDW last.
It says on the card that it is not meant to provide front of the line access or shorten or eliminate your wait in line. It is a tool to let the cast members (CMs) know what sorts of accomidation/assistance someone needs, especially if they have needs that are not readily visible.
You can request a GAC at Guest Services in any of the parks by taking the person with a disability there and explaining their needs to the CMs. Not all GACs are the same; they are stamped with messages that meet the needs of the person it is issued to. GACs are usually issued for the person with a disability plus up to 5 other members of their party. The GAC is good in all parks (except the water parks) and is usually dated to be valid for your entire length of stay.

 

[Nik's Mom]

I think I can help you. My little brother, David, is autistic. Well, about six years ago, out great-grandpa died. We all had a real hard time dealing with it, but David didn't realize right off the bat what was going on. Nobody but him has brought it up. BUT he knows that our g.g. is in a better place now. He's in heaven. Everything's better up there. Just try to explain to him/her where they are. It may take some examples to make them understand it.

I also think I can help you with your trip. We all know that WDW is one of the most popular parks in the world, so expect to wait in line. Luckily, there's a special pass for people with disabled people. It's called a special needs pass. You, your disabled child, and anybody else with you can go to the front of the line or pretty close. It's helps sooooooooo much. PLUS, you can use it in any park. You can get it at the ticket/info. center or at any of the parks (normally where you would rent strollers, wheelchairs, etc.) It's gotta be one of the greatest things Disney has come out with. Also, don't worry about it if your child doesn't understand something. Believe me, it's all a little overwhelming. I hope I've helped in some way. AND HAVE FUN ON YOUR TRIP!!

~An Experienced Disney Teen AKA: Katie

Thanks! Yes, we will definitely get the GAC, since my son seeks refuge in his stroller and the GAC will allow us to use the stroller as a wheelchair in lines.
Thanks for your support.

 

[Sunbeamblue2002]

Hello,

I went though a majorly tramtic time in 02 with my DD that is ADHD/MRDD. We not only lost our sons but not 4 wks later lost my grandmother to Cancer and various complations that went along with her condition at the time. My daughter had just turned 8 at the time. Best advice I can give is to include them in your greif. Also listen and be ready to just talk about the situation when the time comes that he wants to talk. Also another great peice of advice that I was given by people is that its ok for them to be sad and to see you cry. We were all in a great deal of pain and she was apart of that faimly. They will talk and most likely ask questions. Often time questions that you won't have the answer too. Be trueful and as straitforth as their condition will alow. My husband and I had a very hard time agreeing on how to deal with the situation and my daughter. But I know now that letting her be a part of the process that we all went though to be the best distion. Also remember for yourself and your son that greif takes time. Its been three yrs for us now at easter and my daughter brings the subject up out of the clear blue sky. She still makes wishes in fountions that her brothers were still with us. Don't put your self or him on a timeline of what is right and wrong. Not only is it confussing for us but for them also. God bless you in your time of need and I will keep you and you faimly in my thoughts.

 

[Nik's Mom]

How heart-breaking for you! Thank you for sharing your story with me. I will definitely take that advice. My son still says "Grandpa's dead" or "Where's Grandpa? In Heaven?". I know he is still struggling with it, as we are.
God bless you for sharing your story!
Thanks!