Have you ever had a friendship end? If so, post.

[Shanti]

It just that I don't understand how it was easy for her to make decisions. its because I have trouble w/ trusting people altogether. I mean I told her stuff I wouldn't normally tell and i'm a bit of a social anxieter. I don't even know if that's a word. but I can't think long term any more.

I know I have to move on but i'm just curious why I can't keep a friendship. and if I can't keep a friendship then marriage and dating are out of the question.

This friendship has nothing to do with your prospects for dating & marriage. Friends move on so easily because people get relatively little out of it, compared to what they get from family bonds, lovers & marriage. So don't assume that one flighty friend means all of your personal experiences will be the same way.

Again, I respectfully recommend therapy for you. It will really help.

 

[mummabear]

I had a huge bust up with my high school best friend (years out of high school). We had started drifting, I felt that it was always me making plans, and that she had prearranged outs so it would be like yeah we can meet for dinner but I have to do this at 9, I felt like an obligation. Then she got engaged and all that stopped, back to normal hanging out sorting wedding stuff out, then getting closer to the wedding, I asked about bridesmaids dresses, she then said I wasn't one (she had 5), I was very hurt as she had been mine, she had said several times that I would be, but mostly hurt that rather than talking to me about it she had just avoided it. So I pulled out of the next time we were meant to catch up, then she basically never called again. Got an invite to her wedding a couple of months later and declined (as I felt we were only invited put of obligation, we hadn't spoken in 2-3 mo this by then). I regret not going to her wedding now.

 

[indimom]

Over the years, plenty. Some after a huge blowout. Most just faded away. I really only have one best friend who has been my friend for 40+ years and who I still do things with regularly.
Everyone I know has had friendships come and go. It's not uncommon.

 

[design_mom]

My 2 best friends in 8th grade all of a sudden stopped talking to me once we were in High School. Never did find out why.

I had the same thing happen. Lost my two best friends at the same time. One moved to a different city and it was hard to maintain the friendship. (We're Facebook friends now, and if we lived closer, I think we could be friends again.) The other one just dropped me like a hot potato. I think she was making a play for a higher social status in high school -- new school, fresh start, new friends -- and thought that I would drag her down. She did not end up in the popular group though. She ended up in a different group than I did, but no more popular. We are FB friends and see each other occasionally (our sons play the same sport but for different schools.) We're friendly enough when we see each other, but the friendship is gone. That one still hurts a little, but even if she wanted to rekindle it, I'm not sure I'd be interested.

I've lost several other friends where we've just kind of drifted apart. I've never had a big blow-up with anybody. As several previous posters have said, I have a lot of friendly acquaintances, but few close friends. Most days I'm okay with that, and if I'm honest with myself, I'm not great about staying in touch either. So I can't blame it all on them.

 

[kashzan]

It really hurts when this happened.One of my best friends lives out of state. I visited often and always was happy to be with him. I stayed at his house and was very thankful and always took him out very nicely to show my gratitude.
For almost 40 years we have been very close, almost family.
One night I was in NY and he was in California and we were on the phone. We forever laugh and joke, with and about each other. He has a great sense of humor as do I.
Well, as we were goofing around I said a joke, and he got pissed off. Don't know why as we always goof on each other.
He then out of nowhere told me that the joke I made got him angry and he was now scared of me. SCARED WTH.
Bottom line, he never spoke to me again.
I tried but was shot down. Apparently all the years of kindness and generosity I showed him, was wiped away because of a bad joke.
YUP, IT HURTS

 

[DisneyHardin]

I became best friends with "Sarah" in 6th grade - we were 11. We stayed best friends all through school and after. She started dating a guy when we were about 28 or so and he quickly moved in with her, so suddenly she wasn't really available to do things anymore. I didn't get my feelings to hurt about that. When I was 29, I moved about 1.5 hours away and got married. The thing that pretty much ended the friendship was that she didn't come to my wedding. My wedding was planned and the date announced 6 months in advance. I didn't do RSVP cards because our reception was very casual. She didn't show up and about a week after I got a wedding card in the mail from her saying that they weren't there because they had gone camping that weekend. There was no way their camping trip was planned 6 months in advance. It really hurt my feelings that someone who had been my best friend for over half my life couldn't even bother to come to my wedding. We have seen each other a couple times since then when we were both in our hometown for something, but that's all.

 

[sunshinehighway]

The major one was my best friend throughout school. It was over a guy. He was a guy friend we'd known for years. Basically they were sleeping together but he apparently had a thing for me, which everyone but me realized. I also didn't know they were sleeping together. We had dated a few years earlier but it didn't go anywhere. The guy and I became better friends because we had many of the same classes. Another friend (girl), my roommate actually, decided it was her chance to get me out of the picture so she started saying she saw us hooking up at a party. She lied, it never happened. We just couldn't fix the friendship after that. There was too much drama and mistrust.
My ex friend and the guy ended up getting married so at least out friendship was lost over a relationship that lasted.

Edited to add: Op, you can't just tell an adult what they can or can't do because they are visiting you. I would've cancelled the trip too if you told me I couldn't go somewhere because you were responsible form safety.

 

[aprilchem]

I'm going to predict this thread is full of people that blame an end to a friendship on the other person with no mention of what was their part in the friendship ending. It is rarely 100% on any one person.

I'm not sure I agree with that. I ended a friendship with my best friend of 8 years because she chose to go on a date with someone she met online instead of attending my father's funeral. I had supported this friend through the death of her mother as well as a bout with almost-fatal meningitis. For her to make the choice to not be there for me when I needed support (and subsequently lie to me about why) indicated to me that she wasn't someone I really needed in my life.

I'm not sure where I'd share the blame in this decision, other than that it was me who decided not to pursue the relationship anymore. I didn't wrong her in any way.

 

[cabanafrau]

Hello... I'm curious whether or not people had a really good friend leave them... like end their friendship, pretty much over something stupid.

I have. Many many times. Unfortunately. My last one in 2016 when my BFF from Texas decided to easily walk away from our friendship when she didn't get her way. I took it hard because I thought of her like a sister. It also made me think about how people can easily walk away from something or someone because I have trouble walking away from most things.

Long story short: she had a trip planned to come visit me up here by NYC. I had a lot of plans for her trip, exciting ones. Then a week prior to her trip she announces that her reason to coming to Visit me...or at least take advantage of my hospitality and good nature was to visit her other pen pal who lives 1.5 hours from me, in a not so nice neighbor hood. I have anxiety and know that this town she wanted to visit was bad, so we said no because we were going to be responsible for her safety.

So she cancelled her flight 3 days prior to coming...never heard from her again. The only one who took it hard was me. How can she easily walk away? We were messaging each other daily and facetiming every other day. This effected me greatly because it was the last time I looked forward to something. That people just take away everything from me. Looking forward to her visit for 3-4 months, then 3 days prior, she's not coming.

I just wanted to scream. A lot of stuff has happened since then, but I don't have any friends...because of her. I don't trust my own judgement/instincts. I trusted myself to trust her. Therefore, my sense of self-trust goes out the window too.

Post your friendship breakups below.

Friendships come and go, that's life. Quite often because of geographical distance some very good friendships may even lie dormant for long stretches of time, only to pick right back up where you left off when you see each other or talk again. Sometimes friendships fade into the distance because whatever the commonality that brought you together ends.

As for your situation, you state that your friendship with your BFF ended because she didn't get her way. From your own telling of the tale I'd suggest the situation is reversed. You (and another unidentified party!) apparently decided because your friend was coming to visit and staying with you that you (and another identified party!) felt you had the right to dictate her itinerary, decided another town was entirely inappropriate for her to visit because your anxiety should factor into her choices -- and for good measure felt entitled to throw shade on another of her friendships. Tell me again who was determined to get their way?

Friendship is a voluntary activity. It cannot survive if a participant decides to choke the life out of it by clinging on tightly as if it is a possession.

 

[china mom]

I was the dumper. I had a work friend who was only a few years older than I. I was 20 when I started there and were became fast friends. I lived the life of someone in my twenties. She and I would party. We were serial daters. She was a little more wild than I was and she had no boundaries. Everyone knew her business and that was her choice. But, she felt that my secrets could be shared also and I didn't care for her spreading my business.

I eventually outgrew her and we ended up with a different morality but stayed work friends, just not party friends.

I ended up being her supervisor so I had to distance myself so as not to be accused of favoritism - and that worked out great for me since I wanted to distance myself anyway.

She ended up resigning and taking a job elsewhere but was very secretive about where she was going. It finally came out that her new job was with a sleazy attorney who we had had problems with over the years.

I declared her lies to be a betrayal and never spoke to her again but in reality, I could care less who she went to work for. I just wanted an out. She had been doing so much damage to my reputation. She would retell unflattering stories about my wilder days (and exaggerate them). She almost broke up my relationship with my now husband.

I probably took the cowards way out but I thought it was kinder than telling her I could no longer be friends with her because of her flaws. I would rather her think I am the bad guy.

 

[Hikergirl]

Hello... I'm curious whether or not people had a really good friend leave them... like end their friendship, pretty much over something stupid.

I have. Many many times. Unfortunately. My last one in 2016 when my BFF from Texas decided to easily walk away from our friendship when she didn't get her way. I took it hard because I thought of her like a sister. It also made me think about how people can easily walk away from something or someone because I have trouble walking away from most things.

Long story short: she had a trip planned to come visit me up here by NYC. I had a lot of plans for her trip, exciting ones. Then a week prior to her trip she announces that her reason to coming to Visit me...or at least take advantage of my hospitality and good nature was to visit her other pen pal who lives 1.5 hours from me, in a not so nice neighbor hood. I have anxiety and know that this town she wanted to visit was bad, so we said no because we were going to be responsible for her safety.

So she cancelled her flight 3 days prior to coming...never heard from her again. The only one who took it hard was me. How can she easily walk away? We were messaging each other daily and facetiming every other day. This effected me greatly because it was the last time I looked forward to something. That people just take away everything from me. Looking forward to her visit for 3-4 months, then 3 days prior, she's not coming.

I just wanted to scream. A lot of stuff has happened since then, but I don't have any friends...because of her. I don't trust my own judgement/instincts. I trusted myself to trust her. Therefore, my sense of self-trust goes out the window too.

Post your friendship breakups below.

OP, I know that your relationship with her was much more than this one post but the bolded to me says alot.
How many times have you told her she couldn't do something because you were anxious about it? Maybe she had enough.
Granted she could have handled it differently and explained her reasoning. Since you have had trouble putting this past you and moving on to other friendships maybe the pp's are right and therapy would help.

 

[princesspiglet]

I've lost contact with some friends/acquaintances here and there due to moving or job changes, etc, but I've only truly "lost" 1 best friend. We had been best friends since 7th grade and were roommates our first 2 years of college. It was our junior year of college where it all ended out of miscommunication and ego's on both ends. I still think about her to this day and miss her and wish I could go back in time and change the way I handled it.

 

[luvsvacation]

I’m very confused about why you thought you could tell her she couldn’t go visit someone in another city? This makes zero sense. You do reference “we” I’m wondering if perhaps you are both very young adults and still living with your parents? This is the only way I can even try to understand where you thought it was okay to tell her she couldn’t go. Maybe if you are both 18/19 and living at home and her parents are letting her visit you and your family and she wanted to borrow your family’s car to travel to this “bad city” even then I’d be iffy on wether it was your place to say no. If you all are in your 30s and you simply told her her plans were too dangerous and would cause you anxiety and forbid her to go I can see why she would end the friendship.

 

[sunshinehighway]

I've lost contact with some friends/acquaintances here and there due to moving or job changes, etc, but I've only truly "lost" 1 best friend. We had been best friends since 7th grade and were roommates our first 2 years of college. It was our junior year of college where it all ended out of miscommunication and ego's on both ends. I still think about her to this day and miss her and wish I could go back in time and change the way I handled it.

Mine was junior year of college too.
I did reach out to my ex friend on Facebook about 2 years ago. She expressed a lot of regret that it had gone so far and had been so long but mostly we left it since it's been so long and there's no point in rehashing. We message occasionally. I think looking back we both regret the way it was handled. I did notice the other roommate, the one who started the rumors, is not on her friend list so I assume something happened there.

 

[iivye]

I've had one close friend since we were both in kindergarten (I'm 43 yo now). We both have kids the same age who even attended the same private grade school together. We had ups and downs and long periods in our twenties when we didn't talk but we always came back together again usually because she would reach out to me. She died last month from cancer and it devastated me. I have other friends but no one knew me like she did.

 

[OhDannyBoy]

I had a friend whom had been my friend since we were 13ishand was one of my groomsmen at my wedding, come to my house high out of his mind on psilocybin mushrooms screaming about someone trying to abduct him.

I knew he was high and scared so I let him in (mistake) and tried to talk him down. I've dealt with a lot of drug addicts and am usually pretty good at bringing people back from freak outs. My wife was at work at the time, so it was just us 2 in the house.

He was calming down when my wife came home. When he saw her, he freaked out again and started screaming. He then ran out my front door yelling about me trying to abduct him.

My wife talked me out of trying to chase him.

About an hour after he took off, I got a knock on my door. It was the police. He called the police and told them I was holding him hostage. They obviously knew he was high off his rocker, but they wanted to talk to me anyways. I told them what happened.

He was arrested.

When he got out of jail he apparently booked a flight back to Trinidad (he was living there for 3 years and had just come back maybe 6 months prior to this) and stayed there for a few months.

When he came back to the States, he was pulled over for speeding and was arrested for not showing up to his court date. He was in jail for a few weeks and when he got out, for whatever reason, he blamed me for all of this as he thinks I called the cops on him originally.

And you know what, good. I've been through and done a lot of crazy things in my life and have slowly pulled myself out of that lifestyle and away from toxic people like him. He's still my friend in the sense I hope the best for him, but I want nothing to do with him anymore.

 

[vicwishes]

This topic is very interesting and provokes some introspection. I’ve allowed acquaintanceships (not sure if they were real friendships) to lapse, mainly because I changed as I grew older. I reached a point after age 60, where I just didn’t have the patience to deal with certain behaviors: lying (fibs are lying), constant whining, constant negativity, not showing up for a planned lunch with no explanation, and the one that sticks in my mind the most: being criticized for not being politically active from someone I considered a good friend (she lives and breathes local politics). People change. I believe that people come into our lives for a reason, maybe to help us, or we can learn a lesson from them or, perhaps help that person in some way. I’m not perfect (only Mary Poppins is), but I try to be a good friend. It’s just that I don’t have much tolerance for certain types of behavior, whereas, when I was younger, I tried hard to keep what I thought were friendships. Bottom line is I’m older and have less energy to deal with negatives. Best wishes to you in coping with your sadness at the loss of your friendship.

 

[KPeterso]

I lost a friend a few years ago. She moved a bit further away and I kept my mouth shut as I thought where she was moving for where her friends and job were located. And then she was out shopping and we saw something really cute that we joked was so her. She practically forced me to buy it as a housewarming gift even though I had something else in mind to get her. And then was mad that I would not give it to her right away. I was waiting for the party she was planning to have. Kind of thought all that was my choice. She got mad at me and got really nasty at work and turned one friend against me and was trying to poison another against me. I realized she was a total user to suit her needs and not really all that nice. One example was that she thought I should always drive if we went out to lunch since I lived closer to the office and used less gas overall than her. The one she was poisoning against realized it about a year later and the other awhile later yet so we have reconciled but still have some strain on our friendship. I am honestly better off without her!

 

[Praying Colonel]

In college I had 2 good friends (call them Friend A and Friend B) both nominated for sweetheart of our fraternity. So unless I abstained I was going to disappoint one of them. I voted for Friend B, who happened to win by 1 vote.

1 of my fraternity brothers leaked the votes to Friend A, who chewed me out and never spoke to me again. And 2 friends who were friends with both Friend A and me had to choose, and they chose Friend A. So I basically lost 3 friends over a stupid vote for a meaningless honor.

 

[Wishing on a star]

I think that I kind of understand where the OP is coming from.
There are way too many people in this world who view others simply as what can I 'get' from them.
And, they are masterful at the deception.
When the OP saw this one situation and saw thru to the truth of the matter, that she was just being take for free accommodations....
That is when these kinds of relationships fall apart.

Look at these examples here. Every single one... the other person was on the take, whether it was for free accommodations, a position at work, a gift, a vote....

It can be hard to identify these people... They are really really good at being the 'friend' until they no longer benefit.