Guilt about returning to work

[ZPT1022]

So this is off topic from Disney, but I thought this would be the right place to ask. My DD just turned 1 last week. I have been home with her the entire time. Lately I have been feeling more and more stir crazy. I am thinking of going back to work, however I definitely do NOT want her in daycare and I feel bad even saying that I need a break. Has anyone else felt this guilt about wanting your own time? I'm not even sure I want to go back to work, I don't have to. One option I have is that I have a cousin who owns a daycare center. So I could go and work there and DD would be with me, but I/we would still be out of the house, plus the extra money wouldn't be a bad thing (more Disney trips!!!!) So, sorry to ramble, but does anyone have any thoughts or have any other stay at home mom's gone back to work? How did it go?

Becky

 

[Jordan's MOM]

ZPT1022,

I have done a couple different things in the past 10 years since my DS was born so thought I could at least share my feelings. I stayed at home just him and me for the first 7mo. When he was 7 mo. I starting keeping my sisters newborn too.When they were toddlers, I added my best friends child. A good way to make extra money and not send DS to daycare but not a good solution if getting out of the house is important to you. Later in his preschool years it was back to me and him again but as he was older we got real involved with playgroups, kindermusic and a couple things for me. No extra money and no WDW trip but we were very happy during this time. I ALSO did teach part time at the preschool that my son attended the year before he started school. This was the most difficult. Most kids, DS one of them, do not want to share their mom with a group of other kids. It is also hard for you to not go to them if they are in another class and they are crying or being disciplined .If you don't want her in daycare, having you there will not elimate a lot of the negative aspects of carecare such as exposure to more germs, less 1:1 attention etc. Does give you the security of being close by though.
When DS went off to kindergarten, I went back to teaching part time and had grandparents for the occasional daycare I need. Looking back at everything I tried, I wish I had just stayed at home with him and me the whole time.
Do not feel guilty for wanting and NEEDING time to yourself. Look for ways including but limited to going back to work. Try trading babysitting with a friend, get a sitter you trust for a few hours a week and take a class, find a gymn with good child care and work out. If money is short, take time in the evening after your DH comes home to get some self time. Remember for your child to be happy, you have to be happy too. Good luck and enjoy that little one.

Jordan's mom

 

[jacrazy]

I just got back from my Pampered Chef conference. I was surprised to learn this, but did you know that there are more women making six figure incomes in direct sales than any other career?

Doris Christopher, who started the Pampered Chef was just like you. She had decided to back to work when her two daughters started school, but when the time came she didn't want to and she ended up creating the Pampered Chef.

You make up your own schedule and work when you want to work. It's your own business, so you are the boss. You work out with your husband what nights or weekends that you want to work, while your husband parents your children. It gives fathers the opportunity to really bond with their kids. I'm not a stay-at-home mom, but a single parent, and started PC because I needed more money and it is so much fun. I'd say that 80% of consultants are stay-at-home moms. I swear, that 50% of them had at least 4 children and they were still able to fit working in with their schedule. Let me know if you'd like some info about PC. Or check out other direct sales companies. I never thought that I'd be the Pampered Chef lady or any other kind of sales lady, because I'm not a salesperson, but I just love this and I love the business and teaching people how to bring their families together at mealtime. This was the best decision I ever made and wish I had done it 15 years ago (but I had never heard of it before 5 years ago).

 

[disneymom3]

I totally agree with jarcrazy!

I have been at home with my 3 kids for 6 years now and on and off have tried different home based businesses. I have never done Pampered Chef--love their stuff though!--but I have sold Tupperware and Partylite. I have been selling Tastefully Simple for two years now and that is the perfect fit for me. I have made way more money at it than any other home based business ever came close to, I love the product, and I have such a great time doing the parties that it doesn't even feel like work and yet i am out of the house away from my little people. If you want more info, visit my website :

www.tastefullysimple.com/mn/jworthington/index.html

I can give you more info no matter what state you are in.

What is important is to find a good fit for you. I am so glad I found this, I've made tons of new friends and have been able to provide my family with some extras we wouldn't be able to afford otherwise and as is true of any home party bus., I make my own sched, determine how much I want to make, set my own goals and work when my kids are busy or sleeping. I think any of the party companies are a great opportunity for at home moms.

Good luck with what you decide. And don't feel guilty--all of us have only so much we can give without getting something back to rejuvenate us. I would also suggest getting in contact with some sort of mom's group if you haven't already.

 

[Tink]

I stayed home with DD #1 until she was 6 months old. The I went back to work 20 hours per week, and my Dad watched Emily. When DD #2 was on the way, we knew it would be too much for Dad. I have been a stay at home Mom for the past 8 months.

I had horrible guilt when I went back to work. I would cry when I had to go. But, on the other hand, at first when I started staying home, it was a big adjustment for me. I thought I would go crazy. This was the first time since I was 16 that I didn't have school or a job or both. I sorta felt worthless, and saw all of my friends putting their kids in daycare and advancing their careers.

Luckily, I am a Librarian and the hours are flexible. I work one night per week, and weekends. I don't work all weekend, one Saturday or Sunday, never both in the same weekend, and I try to work out my schedule so that I have a weekend free every now and then. DH is home to take care of the kids. It's not a great amount of money, but it all adds up. For me, it's the perfect balance. Now I am home to take DD to playdats, and in the fall she starts Nursery School and I have to take her back and forth.

I can't believe DD1 is starting school, so I am glad to have the time with her. Now, through my daughters activities, I have found mothers who are like me so I can relate to them and feel more comfortable.

disneymom3 is right. You will find a balance that is right for you and you will feel great about it. It took me a long time, but it happened.

 

[susy]

I am a stay at home mother of a 4 and a half yo boy and a former preschool teacher.

I will be returing to work this fall ,teaching kindergarten, while my son attends the same school for pre-k.

Right now he is at another preschool that he just started this summer (his first time at school ever!). It has gone great! He only cried the 4th day of school. The first day we dropped him off my mother and I just sat in her living room, not moving. I guess we were waiting for the phone to ring or something. the first couple of weeks were a little hard, but he is doing great!!!!

Looking back, I would do the same thing over if I had to. time with your child is so precious and you can NEVER get it back. I would ease your child into social situations. Look into doing a mommy and me class. MY GYM is wonderful , if you have it in your area ,or gymboree. The library will even have a storytime for kids as young as 18 months and is free. My son loved library day, so he could get videos.

I tried going back to work when he was three. All that happened was I got very sick the first week and he caught it from me- my mom was watching him.

Overall, if you don't have to work, I think 4 is a good age to start preschool and maybe for half a day at first. I believe in socialization, but let's get real. The only reason that infants and toddlers are in daycare ALL DAY is that mom has to work. It is a fact of life for some. We sacrificed and made due. Thankfully, DH is making more money now and my income will just be extra.

Another option is to form a co op with other mothers (maybe that you have met at the park or playgroup). Once all the kids are comfortable with other moms, you can arrange for two moms to stay with the kids, while the other two or three moms can have the morning off and switch. That way everyone gets a day to themselves.

I deas like PC are great! I went to a few parties and they were a blast!!!

 

[susy]

Another great place to meet people with kids the same age is the park!!! My DS is still best friends with a little girl that we met at the park when they were 14 months old (they are five days apart). These two have been through it ALL together and will soon have their first sleepover.

 

[TheWho]

This is very personal and controversial topic. I'm not going to preach one way over another. I'm a father of two and my wife went back to work when each child was around 10 months old. She's a teacher. I know everything about this topic. I have listened or read anything and everything that pertains to it. All I can say is there is no right or wrong answer. What ever works best for and your husband is what you should do. (and your child) If you go back and it's horrible, quit. We have been blessed with a fantastic daycare.

All I can say is good luck and hope you have a great guy like myself that helps out (I'm joking, but I have become a more involved father because my wife can't do it all)

I always say to my wife, you don't work so we can go to WDW,
we go to WDW because you work!! You know, that dreaded rat race!!

 

[llp479]

With my first pregnancy I had planned to go back to work. That decision quickly changed when I found out I was pregnant with twins. I stayed home with my dds until they were 14 months. Then an opportunity for consulting presented itself and I couldn't refuse. I was very fortunate that the college girl who had helped me when the girls were born was able to watch them that summer. In the fall, my best friend watched them.

When dd#3 was born, we got an au pair. Best thing we ever did, for us. We're on our sixth au pair. Our youngest will start kindergarden in the fall. I work part time in our consulting company. DH joined me shortly after our youngest was born. I work roughly 30 hours a week, with complete flexibility. Our children come first. Only way I can do it.

As previously stated, only you and your DH can decide what is best for your family. I can definitly understand your need for wanting your "own time". I used to take the twins for car rides, guarenteed to make them fall asleep, grab lunch at a drive through, and eat in my car and read a book!

BTW - I am also a Creative Memories consultant. I'm seriously considering doing only that after our current au pair leaves in January. As the girls get older, being home is becoming more important.

 

[crisi]

Choose the best possible childcare arrangment so you don't spend your days second guessing yourself over sub-standard care. We love our center based daycare - but it isn't the solution everyone is comfortable with.

Recognize that you are a better mom when you are fulfilled and happy. Stay at home mom-dom is great for some, but not everyone is cut out for it.

Make sure you save time for your kids. I have a housekeeper, so I don't spend time that could be spent with my kids dusting and vaccuuming. I have my groceries delivered, so we don't have to spend time at the grocery store. Their big meal is their day care meal, and dinner is more lunch like, so I don't worry about spending time cooking.

Toddlerhood is challenging to parent through. My kids are only 13 months apart and weekends around here when they were 1 and 2 (they are almost 3 and 4 now) were really hard.

Remember to see yourself as the person you were before the baby was born. That person is still there - and you need to nurture her because eventually your baby won't need you to be mom nearly so much. If all that is left is mom when that happens, you will have a hard time - and it won't be a picnic for your child either.

 

[jlb]

You have to decide what is best for you and your child. I returned to work full-time when my DD was 6 months old, not for money, but my husband and I had a lond discussion and decided I did not have the desire to be a stay at home mom. He was right, I am a teacher and with the job schedule of teaching, I spend every summer home with my DD, and get a little of both worlds, plus the vacations are a bonus, I do not think we go one month without a long weekend. When I was younger I use to get aggrevated when I started teaching, wondering why I was doing this and was this it, but once my DD came I realized it is the perfect fit for me...I get out of the house, I have a set schedule with no overtime, I never work weekends, and I am home by 3:00 everyday.

The bottom line is you have to think really hard what you want, a lot of my friends who stay at home arrange for a sitter 2 times a week so they can have extended times at the gym and shopping.

Hope this helps.

 

[m&m's mom]

I have long gotten over what people think this means about me but I HAVE to work. No, not financially,mentally.
My Mother was a single parent and we struggled a lot. I got the message from the beginning that work is very important. All of my siblings work and we love it as well. My Mother and Dad (long story. My parents got remarried this year after being divorced for 33 years) take care of my 2 and 6 yo dd's. My Mom was a Elementary school teacher and loves teaching her Grandkids and Dad has an opportunity to spend the quality time we never had w/ them.
I truly have it great and my kids were even in "evil" daycare for a couple of years before my Mom moved here.
My DD Pediatrician actually encouraged me to put older DD in group care as she was born extremely premature and he thought she would learn so much from other kids her age. It helped her "catch-up" considerably. I think daycare gets a bad rap. I am lucky that I work in large metropolitan area (Dallas) and we have access to terrific daycares and preschools. The daycare my kids were in all teachers had at least an associates degree in child development and some has bachelors.
I love the fact that I make my own money and do not have to use my DH's paycheck to buy him gifts.
You got a lot of good advice. Good Luck!

 

[juliesue]

You've got to do what feels right to you. But you should never feel guilty about doing things to take care of yourself. Your child knows when you are not happy and you need to do what it takes to get your equilibrium back. Sometimes it's a simple ten minutes locked in the bathroom and sometimes it takes more.

I am in the same position as m&m's mom. I went back to work when my first was 3 mos old because I WANTED to work. I am a much happier person this way and have never regretted my decision.

My kids also attend (and have since they were babies), the much-maligned daycare center. We are lucky to have a fantastic center with great teachers in our area and with both incomes, can afford a really good place. My kids are well-adjusted and happy. They are very adept socially (much more so than I was at their age). They know that not only do we love them, but that there is a whole center full of people who care for them and like them very much.

While germs and illness are a natural consequence of lots of kids in the same place, it has it's advantages later on. Now that we have been through all the childhood illnesses, my kids are rarely ill enough to miss any school.

Again, this is a very personal decision. Also remember, that whatever you do, you can always change it if you find out it is not working.

 

[TiggerPU88]

Hi!

I am a Mom of a 1-yr-old DS and I work full time at a job I love. We are lucky to have wonderful family baby care around the corner from our home and I work 1.3 miles away. I don't work long hours any more. The balance works very well for us, although leaving work at 5:00 is something that has taken some getting used to! My son usually doesn't go to bed until 9:00 or 9:30 p.m., so we have 3-4 hours of playing almost every night.

There are no easy answers here. I know many women and we each have a different take. You need to trust yourself and do what is right for you. I know I am a better mom to Elian because I take the time to do things I love, like work, scrapbooking, etc. I just have to make sure I have the right balance and support for that!

BTW, I second what the other direct sales consultants said. I am also a PL candle consultant and I love the additional income (it's paying for our WDW trip in a month) that I get with very few shows. (I do 2-4 shows a month, TOPS, and I haven't done any in July or August.) Since I love candles, getting my candles at a big discount is also pretty good!

Good luck with your decisions and remember, the best mom is one that is fulfilled and happy.

 

[susy]

Okay. I answered earlier and since then my situation has changed. DS got really sick. He had a very bad cough, sinus infection, fever and croup. I ended up deciding NOT to go back to work. He is doing better and still goes to school half day. We are very happy. I feel I have the best of both worlds. I guess I wanted to go back to work, because I felt I HAD to . After all, what would I do at home all day without him? I found out that I do PLENTY!!! I get a head start on housework, run errands, do laundry and I pick him up at 12:30. We get to spend some time playing together before I have to start dinner. You have to do what is best for you!