Grandparents watching Grandkids

[Nancyg56]

I

So it was a subtle change from helping a somewhat desperate situation to something totally different. And there always seems to be opportunities for additional cleaning jobs.
So this situation was never a plan if that makes sense at all.

This absolutely makes sense. You stepped in under one specific circumstance but as that changed, your level of involvement changed as well. I do not think it is unreasonable to have a conversation with your DS and DSIL in regards to setting limits on the amount of time you are expected to provide, and I would do this sooner rather than later in order to avoid resentment. When I started caring for my DGD I did this with the understanding that this was my job and not a favor. You and your children need to be on the same page in terms of child care.

 

[RangerPooh]

My parents watch our 4 kids for us. When our oldest was about to turn 3 they realized that they were missing out on our girls (no boys yet) growing up, so they moved closer to be with them.

During the summer months it's umpa and uma daycare. They take them to the park, occasionally the zoo or museums, taught them how to ride bikes and skateboard. I owe my parents a lot. During the school year they run carpool between two schools with two different start and end times. Apparently there are a LOT of grandparents who are doing this, as carpool line up starts 1.5 hours before school gets out. They also pitch in where needed for scouts which is appreciated.

Over the year the kids have watched a lot of old westerns, Leave It To Beaver, Father Know Best, etc from the 50s. My now 7yo son Sings Puff the Magic Dragon and has had it memorized since he was two. Our 11yo daughter is big on classic rock. My dad makes them breakfast in the morning and packs their lunches, something he was unable to do for me when growing up. My mom takes pity on me and occasionally cleans the house and does the kids laundry.

I'm very lucky to have them. My in-laws have no desire to connect with out kids. So our kids will know that my parents love them and help them wherever possible. In return we take them to WDW every other year. They don't really have any desire to go more frequently and enjoy their kid free staycation, lol.

 

[PollyannaMom]

...as carpool line up starts 1.5 hours before school gets out

Love your folks' involvement with your kids, but that ^ is nuts!!

 

[RangerPooh]

Love your folks' involvement with your kids, but that ^ is nuts!!

I agree! They are always within the first 3 cars to arrive at the middle school. I've asked about how crazy they are and apparently it's the normal thing to do here. I told my dad that he might as well volunteer at the school while he waits. Apparently the vice principal who's in charge of car pick up got worried recently when they weren't the ones picking up the girls. Nice to know that it gets noticed.

 

[jerseygal]

My parents were never our kids "regular babysitter".. they lived about an a hour and a half away BUT they were always involved.. came to sporting events, helped out when they were sick, spent a lot of holidays together, visited often...It was wonderful, they had a very close bond with both of our sons. The kids looked forward to when they came as they used to stay overnight, didn't do the 3 hours roundtrip in one day. What special times! The eulogy that our eldest gave for his "Pop" was incredible; so heartfelt. So LUCKY and BLESSED that the kids had them both in their life. They were SO MISSED at our eldest DS wedding three weeks ago...they were there in "spirit" to see the first grandson marry...we had a memory table with pictures, floating candle burning the entire reception,beautiful memory poem framed on the table...Oh they would have been SO PROUD! The important thing is not if grandparents are able to watch the grandkids on an "every day basis". Most important is making the time that is spent, quality bonding time! Can't wait for the day!

 

[NHdisneylover]

Just to clarify a few things, and thanks for all of your replies. At the risk of getting long winded, I'll try to summarize the evolution of this situation. I retired in 2015. I got a part time job and did some real estate, and I found that I was working more than when I was teaching. Quit the part time job. Continued with some real estate.
My son took a new job that was salary plus commission, expecting to increase their family income. DIL was providing daycare for some friends, providing additional income. On rare occasions, she would clean. She preferred cleaning because it was more money for less time, a few hours here and there, but nothing regular.
The new job for son didn't pan out. He found himself making less money than previously, and working longer hours with a lot more stress. DIL began taking more cleaning jobs to cover some of the deficit, and I helped out because at that point, I sensed some urgency.
My son got his old job back with a decent raise, DIL is watching only one child one morning a week in exchange for services provided by the child's mom, and has made the cleaning a regular part time job. But my role has evolved from occasional to regular, two or three days a week, and these are pretty full days. So it was a subtle change from helping a somewhat desperate situation to something totally different. And there always seems to be opportunities for additional cleaning jobs.
So this situation was never a plan if that makes sense at all.

It sounds to me like you are not wanting to continue being g regular child care. That's totally legitimate. I reiterate my advice to tell your son a d his wife this a d give them a deadline to figure something else out

 

[PollyannaMom]

According to "GMA Day" (new show today - I have it on in the background) grandparents who watch their grandkids live longer!

 

[Simba's Mom]

Oh, how I admire those of you who enjoy babysitting/spending time with grandchildren. When I was pregnant with my first my parents told me firmly, "We are Grandparents, NOT babysitters!" And they never did. Now that we're grandparents, we treasure the time we get to spend with our grandchildren one on one. When DS and DDIL went out of town, we were happy to spend 4 days with the DGDs. Next time when DDIL's parents stayed with them, our attitude was "Well, I suppose we have to share the fun".

 

[Nancyg56]

Oh, how I admire those of you who enjoy babysitting/spending time with grandchildren. When I was pregnant with my first my parents told me firmly, "We are Grandparents, NOT babysitters!" And they never did. Now that we're grandparents, we treasure the time we get to spend with our grandchildren one on one. When DS and DDIL went out of town, we were happy to spend 4 days with the DGDs. Next time when DDIL's parents stayed with them, our attitude was "Well, I suppose we have to share the fun".

I think most grandparents enjoy their grandchildren, and many who can babysit on occasion gladly do so. Where I think you may be missing the point is that for the OP, along with a lot of other grandparents, has been providing free daycare that goes over and above what he agreed to. This is a very different situation from babysitting, and it seems to me that he is being taken advantage of by his DS and DDIL. He is not unique either. Many people find themselves guilted into providing free childcare for grandchildren and their roles quickly change from doting grandparents to disciplinarians. It stinks.

I cheerfully was my DGD daycare provider, however my DD paid me. How I chose to spend that money was my choice, so if it filtered to my DGD, that was my business. Had she asked me to step in for an emergency situation, and then as her circumstances improved gradually increased my time and responsibility, there would have been a meeting that would not have been pretty. Bottom line: No one is obligated to raise their children's children, and no one should be made to feel less than adequate because they choose to spend their time as they deem acceptable.

 

[nancygirl1]

I understand both sides of the grandparents taking care of their grandchildren or not. However, I am taken aback at those of you who imply that those of us who don't do childcare for our grandchildren will not have a close relationship with them. Just because you are a caregiver on a regular basis doesn't automatically guarantee a closer relationship than those of us who do not step into that role. For example, my grandmother took care of my sisters when they were young and due to her parenting style, they did not like being with her. They had no choice.

Those of us that choose this relationship are not "bad" grandparents we just choose to have a different kind of relationship. No worse. No better. Just our choice. I don't appreciate the implication that we are less of a grandparent (or will be) because of our choice.

 

[NYCgrrl]

The beauty of being a grandparent is that in an ideal world when you become one you should be able to choose the level of your involvement.

 

[bellebud]

I had a set of grandparents who lived 5 minutes away, and a set who lived 2 hours away. The set who lived close watched my younger brother a little, and we saw them occasionally. But the closeness wasn't there. The set who lived 2 hours away, we saw every month, and were extremely close to. The love that was there was abundant, and the distance and the fact they never babysat didn't matter at all. They've been gone over 20 years, and I still think about them daily and miss them very much. So to the grandparents who don't provide childcare, I don't think that will affect any closeness. The love that's felt when you do spend time is what's important, and it what the child feels and remembers.

 

[Nancyg56]

I had a set of grandparents who lived 5 minutes away, and a set who lived 2 hours away. The set who lived close watched my younger brother a little, and we saw them occasionally. But the closeness wasn't there. The set who lived 2 hours away, we saw every month, and were extremely close to. The love that was there was abundant, and the distance and the fact they never babysat didn't matter at all. They've been gone over 20 years, and I still think about them daily and miss them very much. So to the grandparents who don't provide childcare, I don't think that will affect any closeness. The love that's felt when you do spend time is what's important, and it what the child feels and remembers.

MTE

I think that while there is a lot to be said for the bond that being together can create, there is more to a relationship than proximity.

 

[BLAZEY]

As I stated in my previous post the when DD was little DH & I were very fortunate that our parents wanted regular days that they watched DD. I would have bumped up the days she went to daycare if they were not able or willing to watch her. (There were occasions that I did phone the daycare to see if a drop in spot was available on her non regular daycare day and sent her there instead). It sounds like the OP needs to talk to the parents and let them know this arrangement has grown to the point where it no longer works for him or her. Hopefully you are able to work out a new plan that is less stressful for you.

 

[AgentMama]

My parents and in-laws help out with watching our kids, but they do not provide childcare. If my kids decide to have children when they are old enough, I will be happy to provide similar help, but I will not provide full time childcare. When I retire, I want the ability to have the schedule I choose, not one that I'm obligated to. I don't think that will make me a bad grandparent.

 

[slpeters]

I work with investment planning and I have a great many clients who are retired. I was very surprised how common it was for people to have to take care of their grandchildren multiple days every week. In my experience--and as a sympathetic outsider I think I got a fairly unvarnished version of the truth--most resented it and most never told their children they felt that way.

 

[Nancyg56]

I work with investment planning and I have a great many clients who are retired. I was very surprised how common it was for people to have to take care of their grandchildren multiple days every week. In my experience--and as a sympathetic outsider I think I got a fairly unvarnished version of the truth--most resented it and most never told their children they felt that way.

That is so sad! I loved every minute I was gifted with my Kady. Had I resented the time I would have told my DD because no child should ever be in a place that was not 100% welcoming. I respect when grands put limits on time if that is how they want it.

 

[AnnaFloridaLover]

I work with investment planning and I have a great many clients who are retired. I was very surprised how common it was for people to have to take care of their grandchildren multiple days every week. In my experience--and as a sympathetic outsider I think I got a fairly unvarnished version of the truth--most resented it and most never told their children they felt that way.

I used to hear the same sentiment from grandparents in the school yard picking up their grandkids. The parents thought they loved babysitting their kids 5 days week, 8 hours a day but that's not what I heard from the grandparents more often than not. And a once a year family trip for a week does not come close to payback in my opinion.

 

[VandVsmama]

My MIL moved near us when ODD was a year old. She desperately wanted to babysit ODD full time. We agreed, so we pulled ODD out of the full time daycare that she was in at the time. We paid MIL the same amount that we were previously paying the daycare, so we weren't saving any $$ on this, mind you. MIL is great with little kids. Except it soon became apparent (after a month) that it was not quite working out to how any of us expected. Some challenges that we ran into:

- MIL wanted to be able to take off on vacation for a few days at the drop of a hat without notice.
- MIL refused to watch ODD whenever she got sick because she herself didn't want to get sick.
- MIL refused to watch ODD whenever MIL had a cold or whenever she was tired or whenever she just didn't feel like it
- MIL didn't want to take ODD anywhere, so they stayed home all day
- MIL wouldn't even take ODD out in the backyard. Or to the little park a short walk down the street. or even out to the mailbox out front.
- We provided all of ODD's food, drinks, diapers, toys, pack & play, car seat, everything. MIL refused to even go out and get a couple of baby books for the kid. So we pretty much had to pay for another nursery set up.

From a financial and emotional perspective, it was very expensive and I would never do it again. It took us 5 months to get a spot back at our original daycare. We were all relieved. When YDD came along, MIL offered again, but we politely declined. I gladly paid the monthly mortgage payment-equivalent to the daycare center for childcare for 2 kids under the age of 3.

Your mileage may vary, of course! If you don't feel that it's working out and you're starting to resent it, then you need to speak up for yourself.

 

[Nancyg56]

I used to hear the same sentiment from grandparents in the school yard picking up their grandkids. The parents thought they loved babysitting their kids 5 days week, 8 hours a day but that's not what I heard from the grandparents more often than not. And a once a year family trip for a week does not come close to payback in my opinion.

When my DGD was in preschool I used to bring her and pick her up. My DH worked down the road, so he often was there when I dropped her off and almost always came by for pick up time. The teachers told my DD that it was a while before they figured out we were not confused about who was picking Kady up, but that DH just liked to stop by to see her. LOL!

The thing is that child care is not a commitment to jump into, and certainly not one to make if you really are nto up to the task. If a grand is not able or willing to do so, there shoudl be other avenues parents travel. No grand parent shoudl be guilted into caring for kids, and no parent should be guilted into leaving kids with their parents if that is not the right decision for them.