Forget this Christmas cheer, lets talk Christmas misery....

[starrzone]

So sorry for everything that everyone is struggling with this year.
This is our first Christmas without my grandma. She passed pretty unexpectedly on Sept 28. My cousin and I were talking about ways to keep things up beat on Christmas with some games and fun activities as grandma's absence will be very noticable - however, she would want us all to celebrate being together.

This is our first Christmas without my Grammie as well; it will definitely be hard and a big adjustment. The only solace I get that this will be the first Christmas in a long time that she is spending with my uncle and grandfather in heaven (passed in Jan. 1990 and Feb. 2001 respectively).


My SIL and her common-law husband broke up on December 13th. We have my MIL here with us for Christmas, and her daughter calls her constantly to vent/ for comfort. I feel so bad for her...they had been together for 20 years and have 3 boys; 16 and 15-year old twins. This is hitting them hard.

 

[maslex]

This past Wednesday my 3yr old grandson was admitted into the hospital with the flu & pnuemonia. He ended up in ICU later that night. They ended up putting him in an induced coma and ventilated him. The next couple days were hell. Almost lost him on Thursday. Thankfully he is doing a lot better and was able to come home today. I found out early yesterday morning that my brother & his wife are splitting up (we were supposed to have Christmas Eve at his house.....that was cancelled) I found out this morning that my nephew was involved in a pretty bad car accident. Thankfully he was only banged up pretty bad and nothing more serious. Then my brother's middle son was out earlier today with his friends (14-15 yr olds) shooting air soft guns with some type of with metal "bullets" and one richocheted back to him and got him between the ribs. So off to the ER they went. Needless to say this past week has been one hell of a week. But everyone is doing good (or at least better now). We're just going to enjoy a nice quiet evening at home and relax.

 

[Owlpost23]

This past Wednesday my 3yr old grandson was admitted into the hospital with the flu & pnuemonia. He ended up in ICU later that night. They ended up putting him in an induced coma and ventilated him. The next couple days were hell. Almost lost him on Thursday. Thankfully he is doing a lot better and was able to come home today. I found out early yesterday morning that my brother & his wife are splitting up (we were supposed to have Christmas Eve at his house.....that was cancelled) I found out this morning that my nephew was involved in a pretty bad car accident. Thankfully he was only banged up pretty bad and nothing more serious. Then my brother's middle son was out earlier today with his friends (14-15 yr olds) shooting air soft guns with some type of with metal "bullets" and one richocheted back to him and got him between the ribs. So off to the ER they went. Needless to say this past week has been one hell of a week. But everyone is doing good (or at least better now). We're just going to enjoy a nice quiet evening at home and relax.

Good lord! I hope the new year brings you serenity and peace.

 

[luvsJack]

We had Christmas at MiL’s last night. She seemed so depressed. It’s been a few years since we lost Fil, BIl and dnephew and she has had good Christmases since then but she seemed to really be missing them this year.

The two granddaughters that she has raised are older now (sisters to the nephew and daughters of the bil who died), one is getting married this year and the other one is in high school. And she is looking ahead to being alone.

Add to that, she is in her early 80’s. She tires easily, she gets a bit confused when she is tired or there is a lot of confusion going on around her. We were playing a game with gifts last night and I could see by the look on her face she was kind of confused about what was going on. It included rolling dice and her daughter stood close to her to urge her to take her turn. When we were talking early in the evening, I could here a bit of shortness of breathe when she was retelling a story of Christmas past.

I tried to talk to dh and his sister about it because all of this were things I remember in my Mom and was all related to her heart issues and when she got to the point of just being tired of living. But they just pushed it away to her age and the season. Her age is a factor but my mom was quite a bit older when these things began happening. They at least agreed that when Christmas is over she needs a good check up and they need to watch for long term depression setting back in. We went through that a few years ago.

We have also agreed that these big family gatherings are too much for her. I mean, there are 6 living siblings all have 2-3 kids plus the 2 girls that live with her. Most of the grandchildren are married and have children. There were 40-45 people there last night. Dh’s sister says she plans to take her mom to the mountains for Christmas next year and anyone that wants to go can. To be 100% honest I think she needs it to be just a quiet Christmas in a cabin without the craziness of the huge family. She loves her kids and her grandkids but needs them in small doses. Each of us can spend time with her before and after.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

We had Christmas at MiL’s last night. She seemed so depressed. It’s been a few years since we lost Fil, BIl and dnephew and she has had good Christmases since then but she seemed to really be missing them this year.

The two granddaughters that she has raised are older now (sisters to the nephew and daughters of the bil who died), one is getting married this year and the other one is in high school. And she is looking ahead to being alone.

Add to that, she is in her early 80’s. She tires easily, she gets a bit confused when she is tired or there is a lot of confusion going on around her. We were playing a game with gifts last night and I could see by the look on her face she was kind of confused about what was going on. It included rolling dice and her daughter stood close to her to urge her to take her turn. When we were talking early in the evening, I could here a bit of shortness of breathe when she was retelling a story of Christmas past.

I tried to talk to dh and his sister about it because all of this were things I remember in my Mom and was all related to her heart issues and when she got to the point of just being tired of living. But they just pushed it away to her age and the season. Her age is a factor but my mom was quite a bit older when these things began happening. They at least agreed that when Christmas is over she needs a good check up and they need to watch for long term depression setting back in. We went through that a few years ago.

We have also agreed that these big family gatherings are too much for her. I mean, there are 6 living siblings all have 2-3 kids plus the 2 girls that live with her. Most of the grandchildren are married and have children. There were 40-45 people there last night. Dh’s sister says she plans to take her mom to the mountains for Christmas next year and anyone that wants to go can. To be 100% honest I think she needs it to be just a quiet Christmas in a cabin without the craziness of the huge family. She loves her kids and her grandkids but needs them in small doses. Each of us can spend time with her before and after.

You obviously love your MIL & want to do what's best for her. I would ask her, if she wants a quiet Christmas. When my parents were alive, they would have been really upset, if we weren't all with them for Christmas. It sounds like the current traditions may be the problem for your MIL. For example, it may be better to draw names & skip the games. I'm much younger than your MIL & I don't care for playing gift exchange games at Christmas. I'd rather not exchange gifts at all than have to play the games. If she simply gives & gets a gift, without having to play a game, that would remove that confusion. Also, it sounds like it's time for someone else to host the family & just let MIL show up. If no one can host at their home, how about a pot luck at someone's church fellowship hall? If she didn't have the pressure of hosting & figuring out the game, she may not be so stressed & confused. If you make those changes & they don't work, it may be time to take her to the mountains. Immediately jumping to sweeping her away from everyone seems beyond extreme to me.

PS: I only offer these suggestions, because you seem like a level-headed person. I wouldn't even bring it up to most people here.

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

DH and I took our 2 college kids on a 5 day cruise to the Bahamas over Christmas. We had a wonderful, fun time with them. I loved the family bonding; it was the greatest gift I have ever received. We got home today. When we leave home for just a few days, we always separate our two cats. The 14 year old kitty goes to our closet, master bedroom & bathroom suite with food and water feeders and a nice clean litter box. She won't use a box if the younger cat uses it first. The younger male cat gets the run of the rest of the house with food and water feeders and a clean litter box. They always do well with this arrangement for short trips. For longer trips, we hire someone to come by each day to feed them and clean their boxes. When we got home today, our younger cat met us at the door. We ran upstairs to see our girl kitty and found her in terrible shape. She literally shrank away to nothing while we were gone. She was so weak she couldn't stand or hold her head up. I checked her food and water; she'd hardly had anything to eat or drink. I immediately called the vet because at the very least, she was dangerously dehydrated. I was not able to get her there in time. She took her last breath while I was cuddling her and waiting for the vet to call back. When I got her to the vet minutes later, he confirmed she was gone. After a brief exam, he said she died of liver failure (inside of her ears were yellow - a classic sign). We had no idea it was coming, and it happened so fast. Lots of tears in my house today.

Peace and grace to all of you folks who have shared your suffering on this thread. May the new year be kind to you and your loved ones.

 

[macraven]

I know the pain of losing a pet kitty kat
It’s devastating

Sending you many hugs

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

I know the pain of losing a pet kitty kat
It’s devastating

Sending you many hugs

Thank you so much.

 

[luvsJack]

You obviously love your MIL & want to do what's best for her. I would ask her, if she wants a quiet Christmas. When my parents were alive, they would have been really upset, if we weren't all with them for Christmas. It sounds like the current traditions may be the problem for your MIL. For example, it may be better to draw names & skip the games. I'm much younger than your MIL & I don't care for playing gift exchange games at Christmas. I'd rather not exchange gifts at all than have to play the games. If she simply gives & gets a gift, without having to play a game, that would remove that confusion. Also, it sounds like it's time for someone else to host the family & just let MIL show up. If no one can host at their home, how about a pot luck at someone's church fellowship hall? If she didn't have the pressure of hosting & figuring out the game, she may not be so stressed & confused. If you make those changes & they don't work, it may be time to take her to the mountains. Immediately jumping to sweeping her away from everyone seems beyond extreme to me.

PS: I only offer these suggestions, because you seem like a level-headed person. I wouldn't even bring it up to most people here.

After more talking with dh’s sister, we think that perhaps she had wanted to go to her sister’s Christmas Eve night and didn’t because of our gathering. She originally wanted to do it at noon that day but changed it to 4 because some of her kids requested it. She made a couple of remarks about everyone trying to do their family Chrostmases the same day. She didn’t tell anyone but I can imagine she was disappointed. I know as my mom got older, seeing her siblings was extremely important to her.

The games were started as a way to add something to the gathering and not have everyone trying to buy gifts. I can see where it is just another stressor for her.
You are probably completly right about that.

The changing to a community center is a good idea and something I may suggest to sis in law. MIL’s house is set up for this huge family, the rest of us just don’t have the room.

Before Thanksgiving, she had her Dd send out a group text asking who was planning to be there if she cooked. The way it was worded, I got the feeling she was hoping everyone was going somewhere else. Again, it was a missed opportunity to spend a holiday with her siblings.

We just have got to figure out a way to do this and all she has to do is show up. And she can still celebrate the holiday with her siblings.