Feeling left out of close friend's wedding

[LongLiveRafiki]

I'm sorry about what you're going through and I sort of get how it feels when people assume things because they assume or afraid to ask if you can or can't do anything.

My friends and I do get together like at houses to watch sports or at sports bars. But, outside of watching something I don't get invited to anything that isn't wheelchair friendly not even to watch. I do have online friends who are also in wheelchairs and have spinal cord injuries and one of them does get invited to at least watch sporting events that her abled bodied friends are involved in. My friends never make that offer for some of their day rafting trips which usually end at rest areas where I could watch them come in from my chair.

Like I mentioned, sometimes I think people just aren't really aware of what you CAN do and don't want to make you feel bad by inviting you to something you might not be able to fully do. I think most times people have their heart in the right place by not wanting to hurt someone with a disability by inviting them to something they can't participate in, but don't quite realize that oftentimes we just want to be included, even if we can't fully participate.

I know you feel awkward asking, but for something like this, I think it can be helpful to assert yourself a little. Maybe something like, "Hey, I saw your photos online of your rafting trip and it looked like a lot of fun! I'd love to watch something like that from the sidelines." With that, you aren't inviting yourself, but you're letting them know that it is something you could be included in and would enjoy AND that you wouldn't feel hurt watching from the sidelines rather than actually being on the raft.

What are some things that you enjoy doing? Do you try inviting others to do those things with you? Between opening the communication a little by mentioning things you'd enjoy (like watching the rafting as mentioned above) and inviting others out to do things that YOU plan, it will help them to learn more about what you CAN do and hopefully get you doing more things with people. Often people just don't quite realize *how* to include someone with a disability unless you speak up.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I don't have any interest in seeing a therapist because I doubt any therapist would be able to completely understand my situation.

You could very well be wrong https://www.theaccessibleplanet.com/lifestyle/counselling-for-disabled/ but you will never know if you don't try.

The rest are in somewhat similar situations with no one wanting to date them or relationships going bad because being with someone with a disability isn't ideal.

Not buying it. I'm in a disability group not related to relationships, where seven of the eight members are in relationships - dating, living with, married.

 

[piccolopat]

Without knowing you I suspect that your very negative attitude may be the reason why people aren't including you in things, not your disability. I know several disabled adults and their upbeat attitude is what attracts others to them. You say that you don't want to even go to the wedding because it would remind you that you haven't found someone and yet you are down because you weren't asked to be a part of this or other weddings. This seems like a contradiction. Same as other posters here, I would recommend that you seek counseling to address how you feel about yourself. Once you feel good about YOU then others will see you as a positive, happy individual that they want to spend more time with. People just don't want to be around people that are always unhappy. I hope you are able to turn things around and get the life that you want.

 

[nkereina]

I'm very sorry your feelings were hurt. If it makes you feel any better, being in a wedding is often a pain in the butt. Its expensive, the couple and/or other wedding party members can be controlling and demanding, and you have a lot of obligations. We decided not to have a wedding party for this reason, and so that all of our friends could enjoy our wedding responsibility-free. I understand you're hurt now, but consider it a blessing in disguise.

Also, I think someone else mentioned this, but I'll add to it - couples are often forced to choose their wedding party based on dynamics and obligations. If the groom has 5 friends and the bride has 3, the groom may have needed to cut two people. If the bride has 3 brothers that have to be in the wedding, then those guys come before any friends. There may simply not have been room for another groomsman. I know in our case, when we considered who would be in our wedding party if we had one, I have a group of 4 friends that are a packaged deal - can't have one without the others, so we decided it would have to be none of them. And DH has two sisters, so it was both or none. And then trying to think of enough friends for DH to pair off with the people I was obligated to include on my side was also difficult. Wedding parties are not always cut and dry representations of who's who in the bride and groom's life.

 

[Chernabog#1fan]

You don’t seem to want to help yourself. Every time a person has a recommendation of seeking treatment for how you are feeling, you are clear you don’t want it. You want to feel sorry for yourself. You can’t expect a woman to want to love you if you don’t even love yourself.

Seek treatment for your depression and learn to love yourself. Learn to be happy. Maybe if you do that, you will find a life partner. Even if you don’t, you will be happy.

 

[Miffy]

OP: You have what I'm going to call an "insoluble problem." You're stuck in your wheelchair, there are many things you can't do and many things you won't do. You're bitter about both. You weren't invited to be part of the groom's entourage at his wedding and yet you won't talk to him about it, you don't want to go to the wedding, and anyway weddings remind you of your hopeless situation.

In fact, your situation is hopeless and your problem is insoluble only because you think they are. Plenty of people with way more severe disabilities than yours are doing things, going places, and having a better attitude than you do. Read your posts. Think about what you're putting out there and--more important--what you're constantly telling yourself.

You gotta ask yourself: Do you want to be happy or do you want to keep being bitter? It's your choice, actually, and it's completely independent of your disability. There are loads of not-disabled people who're bitter, angry, miserable, and feeling hopeless. And plenty of disabled people who are happy, active, hopeful, and enjoying their lives.

This may sound harsh, but I don't mean it that way. I mean to wake you up from the misery stew you've stirred yourself into.

 

[Wendy1985]

@del12 you sound very depressed not just about the wedding and that I understand but about lufe in general been there have the t shirt, may I suggest counciling plenty of them.are probably taking new patients I see ada all the time

 

[karen4546]

Please don't place your value on how many friends you have, parties you get invited to, or if you are asked to be in a wedding party.

You really should talk to someone (professional) about how you feel.

If you have had the same friends for many years, then I am sure they are not leaving you out on purpose. Or maybe they are-by that I mean maybe they don't think you would be comfortable being in the wedding party. You won't know unless you ask and express to them that you would be happy to stand up for your friends at their wedding.

All the best.

 

[Dole_whip_doll]

As RuPaul says in every episode of drag race, “....and remember: If you can’t love yourself. How the heck are you gonna love anybody else.”

 

[VandVsmama]

What do you need from us DISers and how can we better help you?

it sounds like you are not looking for solutions or suggestions.

I’ve never had a spinal cord injury, so I don’t know what it’s like to live with that situation. I’m sorry that you’re feeling so depressed and frustrated.

 

[cabanafrau]

Being completely honest it sounds as if your depression is far more disabling than the injuries that have left you in a wheelchair. You do have the power to take action to address the depression, which offers the possibility to make your life better. While the spinal cord injury may not offer you the ability to simply decide to change the outcome, right now your attitude is the biggest obstacle to potentially changing the outcome with your depression. All it takes is your decision to remove that obstacle. Until you do that it's impossible to overcome it.

 

[Heather07438]

I say this with love as I thought alot about it for various personal struggles and guiding my son thru his.

The key at the end is always happiness, your happiness from your perspective. You can't and shouldn't ever compare yourself against others whether better or worse off. You should only compare yourself to yourself, and strive to keep making a better version. It's a very powerful method because truly it matters the most above all else. Gain experience by trying new things, take a class, pick up a hobby, volunteer somewhere, create something, etc.

It doesn't change being left out. It makes it matter less because you are fulfilling and expanding yourself in other areas. It's easy to get stuck in a rut and stagnate. Increasing your happiness can be the spark that helps other areas to fall into place.

 

[del12]

Without knowing you I suspect that your very negative attitude may be the reason why people aren't including you in things, not your disability. I know several disabled adults and their upbeat attitude is what attracts others to them. You say that you don't want to even go to the wedding because it would remind you that you haven't found someone and yet you are down because you weren't asked to be a part of this or other weddings. This seems like a contradiction. Same as other posters here, I would recommend that you seek counseling to address how you feel about yourself. Once you feel good about YOU then others will see you as a positive, happy individual that they want to spend more time with. People just don't want to be around people that are always unhappy. I hope you are able to turn things around and get the life that you want.

I don't have a negative attitude with my friends and family. I'm always happy and upbeat when we get together. I'm one who is always there for them when they need help and I have helped people financially during their rough times. I said in a previous post that maybe if I was married or had a girlfriend I could deal with other issues better in my life.

 

[del12]

I'm very sorry your feelings were hurt. If it makes you feel any better, being in a wedding is often a pain in the butt. Its expensive, the couple and/or other wedding party members can be controlling and demanding, and you have a lot of obligations. We decided not to have a wedding party for this reason, and so that all of our friends could enjoy our wedding responsibility-free. I understand you're hurt now, but consider it a blessing in disguise.

Also, I think someone else mentioned this, but I'll add to it - couples are often forced to choose their wedding party based on dynamics and obligations. If the groom has 5 friends and the bride has 3, the groom may have needed to cut two people. If the bride has 3 brothers that have to be in the wedding, then those guys come before any friends. There may simply not have been room for another groomsman. I know in our case, when we considered who would be in our wedding party if we had one, I have a group of 4 friends that are a packaged deal - can't have one without the others, so we decided it would have to be none of them. And DH has two sisters, so it was both or none. And then trying to think of enough friends for DH to pair off with the people I was obligated to include on my side was also difficult. Wedding parties are not always cut and dry representations of who's who in the bride and groom's life.

I don't care if being in a wedding party is expensive and time consuming. I just wanted for once to be one of the favorites in the group who gets to be a part of their day and not stuck watching from the pews or chairs.

 

[del12]

OP: You have what I'm going to call an "insoluble problem." You're stuck in your wheelchair, there are many things you can't do and many things you won't do. You're bitter about both. You weren't invited to be part of the groom's entourage at his wedding and yet you won't talk to him about it, you don't want to go to the wedding, and anyway weddings remind you of your hopeless situation.

In fact, your situation is hopeless and your problem is insoluble only because you think they are. Plenty of people with way more severe disabilities than yours are doing things, going places, and having a better attitude than you do. Read your posts. Think about what you're putting out there and--more important--what you're constantly telling yourself.

You gotta ask yourself: Do you want to be happy or do you want to keep being bitter? It's your choice, actually, and it's completely independent of your disability. There are loads of not-disabled people who're bitter, angry, miserable, and feeling hopeless. And plenty of disabled people who are happy, active, hopeful, and enjoying their lives.

This may sound harsh, but I don't mean it that way. I mean to wake you up from the misery stew you've stirred yourself into.

I used to be hopeful about life, but in the past few years it's hard to have hope when most of my friends are married and having families and I'm not there. It's hard being behind everyone else in a lot of things. It's hard to be happy when you want to be married and have kids, but can't because not many women are willing to marry someone who is disabled.

I go on vacations and do things. I do adaptive skiing in the winter, wheelchair basketball during the fall and winter. I'm happy when i do those things but it hurts when I have to go home to an empty house at the end of the day or at night. Being alone is what hurts me a lot in addition to being left out of major events.

 

[del12]

@del12 you sound very depressed not just about the wedding and that I understand but about lufe in general been there have the t shirt, may I suggest counciling plenty of them.are probably taking new patients I see ada all the time

I don't get what you're trying to say about a t-shirt.

 

[mjkacmom]

I you aren’t happy alone you will never be happy.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I don't care if being in a wedding party is expensive and time consuming. I just wanted for once to be one of the favorites in the group who gets to be a part of their day and not stuck watching from the pews or chairs.

You.
Need.
To.
Tell
Your.
Friends.

I used to be hopeful about life, but in the past few years it's hard to have hope when most of my friends are married and having families and I'm not there

Duds, you are 100% refusing to accept suggestions from numerous posters to get therapy or counseling. You. Are. Depressed. I'm saying this with no training or expertise.

You WANT to feel sorry for yourself. You WANT sympathy, even pity.

What don't you want? To help yourself.

 

[fly girl]

I don't get what you're trying to say about a t-shirt.

I believe she meant she has "been there, done that, bought the t-shirt" referring to dealing with depression.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I don't get what you're trying to say about a t-shirt.

It's an expression: "been there, done that, have the [souvenir] t-shirt [to prove it]" .