Ever Been Kind of Insulted By a Christmas Gift?

[ronandannette]

Never in my teens/adulthood have I ever bought a gift for grandparents, aunts, uncles, or cousins. Some of those people got gifts from me when I was very young — IOW, my mother picked out some trinket on my behalf and said “This is going to be your birthday gift to your grandfather, okay?” — but that didn’t last past the mid-elementary years. The gifting practices I’m familiar with tend to have gifts that flow down through the generations, not up. We sent my in-laws a Christmas gift from our three year old for the first time this year, just a little craft project he made for them. I expect he’ll continue to send them Christmas gifts for only as long as he can get away with smearing paint and gluing random objects to paper and having people think it’s cute, which probably means it will stop long before college.

I guess it depends how you were raised. Of course my parents bought me gifts and we give gifts to our kids but in my family my grandparents were very loved and honoured by their children and me and my cousins. When we shopped for Christmas I was always involved in picking out their gifts, and something for my parents too. Choosing and wrapping something special, then waiting in anticipation while it was opened was an exciting part of my Christmas routine. As soon as I was old enough to have my own resources I did my own Christmas shopping and not buying for my parents and grandparents would never have crossed my mind.

We raised our own DS similarly. Sadly for him, as a young adult all of his grandparents are gone now; I’m sure he’d love to be able to buy them a Christmas gift. He does buy, wrap and give us gifts, which we know are genuine acts of love and I imagine he’ll pass the same practises along to his family when he has one.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I guess it depends how you were raised. Of course my parents bought me gifts and we give gifts to our kids but in my family my grandparents were very loved and honoured by their children and me and my cousins. When we shopped for Christmas I was always involved in picking out their gifts, and something for my parents too. Choosing and wrapping something special, then waiting in anticipation while it was opened was an exciting part of my Christmas routine. As soon as I was old enough to have my own resources I did my own Christmas shopping and not buying for my parents and grandparents would never have crossed my mind.

We raised our own DS similarly. Sadly for him, as a young adult all of his grandparents are gone now; I’m sure he’d love to be able to buy them a Christmas gift. He does buy, wrap and give us gifts, which we know are genuine acts of love and I imagine he’ll pass the same practises along to his family when he has one.

I def think some just comes down to family traditions. I guess discussing it as how you were raised to me implies there's a Miss Manners style approach to it rather than just a norm in one's family.

Grandparents seem to at least be slightly more common but aunts, uncles and cousins seems rarer.

 

[ronandannette]

I def think some just comes down to family traditions. I guess discussing it as how you were raised to me implies there's a Miss Manners style approach to it rather than just a norm in one's family.

Grandparents seem to at least be slightly more common but aunts, uncles and cousins seems rarer.

I don’t get your semantics issue here. The norm within our families is how we are raised.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I don’t get your semantics issue here. The norm within our families is how we are raised.

Family tradition which your comment spoke on that, where it was a special and anticipated part of Christmas something you carried on as well as your son (to the point that he could).

Miss Manners style where there's an expectation based on a code of societal politeness and expectation and not to do so is a breach of that code.

I was thinking about it in terms of the PP who brought up their issue with their grandson not giving gifts. They seem to be taking on more of a "I raised my kids this way but clearly my one kid didn't raise their kid to be this way, ungrateful kid" going for more of giving a gift for the sake of giving a gift and to not do so is rude, which is different than in your family a tradition of selecting a particular gift, waiting for them to open it with eagerness was started and kept up through the years. Like in my husband's mom side of the family every year they open a gift in a circle one by one, reading cards aloud, but it wouldn't be seen as a faux pas if we all just opened gifts at once, it's just part of their tradition. They didn't raise their kids that you have to open a gift in a circle, one by one and not to do so would be a problem.

Two different ways I guess at looking at it though you may view them one in the same here no worries on that if that's the case

 

[ronandannette]

Family tradition which your comment spoke on that, where it was a special and anticipated part of Christmas something you carried on as well as your son (to the point that he could).

Miss Manners style where there's an expectation based on a code of societal politeness and expectation and not to do so is a breach of that code.

I was thinking about it in terms of the PP who brought up their issue with their grandson not giving gifts. They seem to be taking on more of a "I raised my kids this way but clearly my one kid didn't raise their kid to be this way, ungrateful kid" going for more of giving a gift for the sake of giving a gift and to not do so is rude, which is different than in your family a tradition of selecting a particular gift, waiting for them to open it with eagerness was started and kept up through the years. Like in my husband's mom side of the family every year they open a gift in a circle one by one, reading cards aloud, but it wouldn't be seen as a faux pas if we all just opened gifts at once, it's just part of their tradition. They didn't raise their kids that you have to open a gift in a circle, one by one and not to do so would be a problem.

Two different ways I guess at looking at it though you may view them one in the same here no worries on that if that's the case

You totally lost me here so I’ll just go with “OK”.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

You totally lost me here so I’ll just go with “OK”.

it's no worries

 

[TipsyTraveler]

In our family, the younger generations buy for grandparents, aunts, some buy for uncles, first cousins & their spouses, when they become adults & get jobs. DS spends more for his grandmother*, but still buys for all of the others. The older generations buy for everyone & spend a lot more per person. I also bought something for my grandmother*, when I got my first job. Even though we comply, I personally think expecting anyone to buy for a majority or everyone in the family is a big ask, but I also think anyone that works should want to buy something for their parents & grandparents.

*I say grandmother, because MIL is the only grandparent DS has left & my grandmother was the only one alive, when I got my first job.

I guess it depends how you were raised. Of course my parents bought me gifts and we give gifts to our kids but in my family my grandparents were very loved and honoured by their children and me and my cousins. When we shopped for Christmas I was always involved in picking out their gifts, and something for my parents too. Choosing and wrapping something special, then waiting in anticipation while it was opened was an exciting part of my Christmas routine. As soon as I was old enough to have my own resources I did my own Christmas shopping and not buying for my parents and grandparents would never have crossed my mind.

We raised our own DS similarly. Sadly for him, as a young adult all of his grandparents are gone now; I’m sure he’d love to be able to buy them a Christmas gift. He does buy, wrap and give us gifts, which we know are genuine acts of love and I imagine he’ll pass the same practises along to his family when he has one.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with different families having different gifting traditions and if everyone is onboard with the way things are done then there’s no problem. My husband and I both grew up in families where adults did the shopping for whatever extended relatives were to receive gifts and our names were included on the tag, as the gift was coming from the whole family. The same is true now — my nieces have never personally selected or individually given gifts to myself, my husband, or our kids. On the occasions that they have given a gift to someone in my household, the gift has come from my SIL with their names included on the tag. My nieces are about to the age where they’ll be on their own soon and I wouldn’t expect them to start buying us gifts. In fact, I would feel bad if they did, thinking they were doing it out of some sense of obligation rather than genuine desire. If selecting just the right gift each year for your grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. was something you truly enjoyed doing, great! Have at it. I just know that I lived so hand-to-mouth in my late teens/early twenties that I could barely scrape together the money for rent and I often went with without food because I simply couldn’t afford it. There’s zero chance I could have lived up to some expectation of buying gifts for every adult in the extended family, so I’m glad I didn’t have to.

I don’t know what the gift-giving norms are in the PP’s family, but his attitude about his grandson really rubbed me the wrong way. He didn’t simply say he was surprised or his feelings hurt by not receiving a gift from the grandson. (If the grandson normally gives him something and suddenly skipped this year, you’d think Granddad might extend a little grace that there might be good reason the grandson couldn’t manage a gift this year. If the grandson was previously just “included on the tag” and never personally gave him a gift before then this shouldn’t come as a surprise.) No, he had to make sure we all knew his grandson was a loser with no friends who sits in his room on the computer all day, paying no bills and having no responsibilities. And, he’s kept a running tally of how much money he’s spent over the course of his grandson’s life. Btw, he was a good enough parent to teach the kid’s mother right when she was growing up, but she managed to drop the ball when it came to her own child. It sounds like there’s some contempt here that runs deeper than one missing Christmas gift.

 

[Keetchino]

My husband is def not the best gift giver. I think it stems from him hating “clutter”, and he considers everything clutter. He legit is confused why anyone would want to have more than a single pair of sneakers, a single purse, or a single winter coat, so whenever I ask for something he’s immediately “you already have one, what do you need another for?”. Although there was a 5 year stretch where he would get me pillows.... one year he must have thought it was a pillow for the bed but it ended up being a single throw pillow for a couch.... I finally had to not so subtly tell him enough with the pillows (to be clear, at no point did I indicate I wanted or needed a pillow, I don’t know where it came from). It was a little frustrating because I DID put effort into finding him something good, and he ended up really liking it, and he generally would just give me a gift card or worse, an I O U of “pick something you’d like and I’ll buy it”. I’d give him lists and say “any one of these I would like!” to try to push him into putting some of his *own* thought into it, still didn’t work. Gift cards.
This year was way better, he picked out a really pretty tennis bracelet that I really love. And a **** ton of jerky

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

Yes my brother gave me a black cross this year that looks rubber but I think may be a kind of stone on a long black string that looked like something a nun or priest would wear, think it was meant as a passive aggressive thing bc I have different views on things than him. I gave him Omaha Steaks. Whatever it was weird and felt bad. My MIL gave me a big purple and pink circular rubber thing that I was suppose to guess what it was, asked is it some kind of frisbee ? and it ended up being something to put over a colander, and also a weird flat hologram elephant, lol. Hers I didn't think was passive aggressive she always was a terrible gift giver, my husband I laugh about it every year, tho my husband always manages to get decent gifts from her lol.

 

[disneyseniors]

I thought I'd put a funny story on here, that happened a couple of years ago.
My grandson was going off to college at The University of Minnesota - Moorhead.
I got online and looked up Moorhead State to order him a sweatshirt. I was surprised to see that they had a very small amount of sweatshirts for sell, but I ordered one with the logo (a dragon) on it.
Before Christmas, I showed it to my daughter because I was so proud to have ordered it online, LOL.
She laughed and said "That's Morehead State University in Kentucky!!!!! Not U of M, Moorhead!!! I was horrified that I got the wrong one.
Anyway, I bought him the right one, but wrapped the "wrong" one up for him Christmas morning.
Everyone in the family was "in" on the gag and were watching intently as he opened his gift.
The look on his face was priceless, and he just looked at it and said"Thanks Grandma". He was going to keep it and not embarrass me for getting the wrong University. Such a sweetie. We all burst out laughing at that.
I sent it back, but wish I'd kept it. Because every Christmas we have a good time retelling the story and laughing about it.
I never thought he would accept it and thank me to keep me from being embarrassed. He is a special grandson

 

[Princess Mulan]

I thought I'd put a funny story on here, that happened a couple of years ago.
My grandson was going off to college at The University of Minnesota - Moorhead.
I got online and looked up Moorhead State to order him a sweatshirt. I was surprised to see that they had a very small amount of sweatshirts for sell, but I ordered one with the logo (a dragon) on it.
Before Christmas, I showed it to my daughter because I was so proud to have ordered it online, LOL.
She laughed and said "That's Morehead State University in Kentucky!!!!! Not U of M, Moorhead!!! I was horrified that I got the wrong one.
Anyway, I bought him the right one, but wrapped the "wrong" one up for him Christmas morning.
Everyone in the family was "in" on the gag and were watching intently as he opened his gift.
The look on his face was priceless, and he just looked at it and said"Thanks Grandma". He was going to keep it and not embarrass me for getting the wrong University. Such a sweetie. We all burst out laughing at that.
I sent it back, but wish I'd kept it. Because every Christmas we have a good time retelling the story and laughing about it.
I never thought he would accept it and thank me to keep me from being embarrassed. He is a special grandson

LOL. That’s a great story!

 

[Mrs. Ciz]

I have a colleague who is noted for sending gag gifts every christmas I admit I look forward to those usually dollar store items but the presentation is usually insanely bizarre. One year he gave us 'Emergency Clown Noses' another year it was a Meteor Detector 'if the pterodactyl stops flying the earth is about to be destroyed by a comet' (it relied on solar cells) another year it was ACE bandages after we did a troubleshoot on a 4 million square meter office complex in Europe.

So I'd agree that it depends on the backstory with the giver, But in this case Christmas is not Christmas without one of these bizarre gifts (all of which I still have...) But it's obvious that each year's gift is carefully selected for impact.

Now I could see how someone new might not understand but I was informed ahead of time that a weird and wonderful thing (emphasis on weird) would be arriving in my mailbox.

Emergency Clown Noses had me laughing out loud!

 

[CdnCarrie]

Further to my reply before -

thinking back I did buy something for my grandfather for a few years once I was an adult working full time until he passed when I was in my mid 20s.
My other grandparents had passed by then.
Grandfather lived in other province so I didn’t see him open it.

I think it depends on the size of the family. Also I grew up in a different province than my relatives. It would be weird to expect a college student to be mailing gifts to a dozen aunts and uncles.

 

[Twinkling]

Further to my reply before -

thinking back I did buy something for my grandfather for a few years once I was an adult working full time until he passed when I was in my mid 20s.
My other grandparents had passed by then.
Grandfather lived in other province so I didn’t see him open it.

I think it depends on the size of the family. Also I grew up in a different province than my relatives. It would be weird to expect a college student to be mailing gifts to a dozen aunts and uncles.

I think size of family definitely plays into it? I've been buying presents for my parents, grandma, aunts AND cousins ever since I could financially afford to do so. So have my sisters and cousins, and it's not really something I've ever really thought twice about as being weird. But we're not a huge family by any means and we all live fairly close together so it's not like we've ever had to really deal with the hassle of mailing stuff out. I just really like giving presents and I don't know why there's this idea that all adults everywhere don't like/appreciate/need gifts.

 

[kymom99]

I thought I'd put a funny story on here, that happened a couple of years ago.
My grandson was going off to college at The University of Minnesota - Moorhead.
I got online and looked up Moorhead State to order him a sweatshirt. I was surprised to see that they had a very small amount of sweatshirts for sell, but I ordered one with the logo (a dragon) on it.
Before Christmas, I showed it to my daughter because I was so proud to have ordered it online, LOL.
She laughed and said "That's Morehead State University in Kentucky!!!!! Not U of M, Moorhead!!! I was horrified that I got the wrong one.
Anyway, I bought him the right one, but wrapped the "wrong" one up for him Christmas morning.
Everyone in the family was "in" on the gag and were watching intently as he opened his gift.
The look on his face was priceless, and he just looked at it and said"Thanks Grandma". He was going to keep it and not embarrass me for getting the wrong University. Such a sweetie. We all burst out laughing at that.
I sent it back, but wish I'd kept it. Because every Christmas we have a good time retelling the story and laughing about it.
I never thought he would accept it and thank me to keep me from being embarrassed. He is a special grandson

That’s funny since morehead is in my neck of the woods. My friends son plays football for them.

 

[CdnCarrie]

I think size of family definitely plays into it? I've been buying presents for my parents, grandma, aunts AND cousins ever since I could financially afford to do so. So have my sisters and cousins, and it's not really something I've ever really thought twice about as being weird. But we're not a huge family by any means and we all live fairly close together so it's not like we've ever had to really deal with the hassle of mailing stuff out. I just really like giving presents and I don't know why there's this idea that all adults everywhere don't like/appreciate/need gifts.

I have 19 cousins. Almost all are married and several have grandchildren now.
There is no way I’m buying for all those people.
I think for many families (with the exception of very small ones) it’s natural for aunts and uncles to start focusing less on nieces and nephews and more on new daughter/ son inlaws and grandkids as families grow.

 

[RAD]

My sister kept hinting to her ‘boyfriend’ that she wanted a garage door opener. Come Christmas day she gets a small box from him, thinking it was the remote control, but all that was in the box was a handle for opening the door.

 

[goofyernmost]

That’s what I was thinking too.
I’m in my 50s and have never bought a gift for an aunt or uncle.
When I was in college I just bought for my parents and siblings. Maybe a boyfriend.

Any gift I buy for my parents or inlaws is from our family including the college age child. I put all our names on grandma gifts.

From family in your home that is probably normal but once people outside of your household start to give you gifts, especially cousins that are also working part time then there is a sort of obligation to exchange. I know that my sister stopped giving them gifts this year. She lives 1000 miles away and wasn't expecting anything other then a thank you note. Nope didn't happen. I started giving my parents and grandparents things as soon as I was earning any money over and above my minor self support needs. It's probably not necessary, and I certainly haven't ever mentioned anything to him about it even though my other grandchildren always give me a gift, even if it is nothing more then a hand drawn picture. If you take in hundreds of dollars worth of gifts and you have reached 21 years old, it is time to stop just thinking about yourself. It doesn't have to be much... even a $10.00 gift card would be nice. Just the way I was raised I guess.

 

[goofyernmost]

LOL. That’s a great story!

Just this Christmas my daughter and son in law, bought a sweatshirt for their nephew that attends UNC Charlotte. Unfortunately they got him a UNC Chapel Hill (Tar Heals) shirt. I really couldn't say anything because I didn't realize that UNC Charlotte were known as (49ers). Since I have lived here I never realized that UNC Tar Heals was just for Chapel Hill. I thought Tar heals was standard for all UNC schools. I was once again wrong.

 

[CdnCarrie]

From family in your home that is probably normal but once people outside of your household start to give you gifts, especially cousins that are also working part time then there is a sort of obligation to exchange. I know that my sister stopped giving them gifts this year. She lives 1000 miles away and wasn't expecting anything other then a thank you note. Nope didn't happen. I started giving my parents and grandparents things as soon as I was earning any money over and above my minor self support needs. It's probably not necessary, and I certainly haven't ever mentioned anything to him about it even though my other grandchildren always give me a gift, even if it is nothing more then a hand drawn picture. If you take in hundreds of dollars worth of gifts and you have reached 21 years old, it is time to stop just thinking about yourself. It doesn't have to be much... even a $10.00 gift card would be nice. Just the way I was raised I guess.

I never got gifts from aunts and uncles past about age 12. I did start buying gifts for my parents as a teenager. And eventually for my grandpa.

ive never exchanged gifts with cousins as adults. We don’t live in the same province. Some I haven’t even seen for 20 years.
Just the way I was raised I guess.
We did a cousin draw name exchange but that ended like I say about age 12 or 13.
I’m in my 50s now.