Ethical/moral vs common sense....

[kellyg403]

I have a dilemma that is posing a moral/ethical dilemma vs common sense. Ethically I know that it is right for me to help someone out that is in need. My common sense says that my boundaries will be violated on more than one occasion as the people involved do not have the same moral/ethics I do.
I find this situation *getting* to me as I know what the right thing is and I can't do it with the pureness of my heart, knowing it doesn't matter what happens after, just what I can do.

This very well could be a bad thing in my life. Could very well spell the end of a lot of things. And thats what comes in to play every time I try to rationalize the decision I need to make. Wanting to protect but knowing that morally I will regret not being helpful to this person. The people are 'kinda' family but not related to me. Over the years I have distanced myself but I do truly feel badly that for once, this problem they have is NOT of their making. But if I give in, they will just come back for more and more and more and more more.

There has to be a middle ground...BUT WHAT THE HECK IS IT! Before I go insane how do you decide between to very opposite choices..neither of which makes me happy and just might make me go insane...lol


Kelly

 

[tlbwriter]

Ethically I know that it is right for me to help someone out that is in need.

Ethical behavior does not mean you have to help EVERYONE in need. Particularly if you have reason to believe they are the ones who put themselves in need and/or will do nothing to put themselves in a better situation. You said that for once the problem isn't this person's fault, but if the person had made better life choices earlier, would this be an issue? Also, consider this... if you help this person, will that prevent you from being able to help someone else who might need/deserve/benefit from your help more?

 

[kellyg403]

Yes, it would prevent me from helping someone else for a long while. Not only monetarily but I am quite sure that mentally I can only deal with so much at once..and the drama will be A LOT..trust me.

At 40 something yearsl old you would think I would know what to do, but evidently not!!!!

Kelly

 

[golfgal]

Without details it's hard to comment so I am going to make up my own for illustration purposes:

Family member needs money to pay bills, you lend them $500 under the agreement they pay you back over the next 5 months, never get the money

Same family member a while later needs $350 to pay a medical bill for a child, you agree because it isn't the child's fault.

Now this same family member is asking for more money and you are in this moral/common sense dilemma. The MORAL/ETHICAL thing to do would be for you NOT to lend them any more money so they LEARN to take care of themselves. By continuing to support them financially you are not helping them out in the long run. You will also find that they are getting money from your brother, your Grandparents, your aunt, your sister.

Again, made up situation but sometimes taking the hard way is the RIGHT way both morally and common sense-wise.

 

[kellyg403]

Without details it's hard to comment so I am going to make up my own for illustration purposes:

Family member needs money to pay bills, you lend them $500 under the agreement they pay you back over the next 5 months, never get the money

Same family member a while later needs $350 to pay a medical bill for a child, you agree because it isn't the child's fault.

Now this same family member is asking for more money and you are in this moral/common sense dilemma. The MORAL/ETHICAL thing to do would be for you NOT to lend them any more money so they LEARN to take care of themselves. By continuing to support them financially you are not helping them out in the long run. You will also find that they are getting money from your brother, your Grandparents, your aunt, your sister.

Again, made up situation but sometimes taking the hard way is the RIGHT way both morally and common sense-wise.

Golfgal..you were close! No kiddies involved thank goodness, just adults. No medical issues, but job loss.

This is where my sticking point is..my common sense says there is way more to the story, my head is screaming no and my heart is saying what would you want someone to do for you????

I lean towards the hard way, trust me...and I feel really really really bad about it.

Kelly

 

[hereyago]

Don't do it.

I try to live a drama free life,try to do the "right thing", honestly looking back if I had to do it again, I wouldn't.

 

[freckles and boo]

Are there ways to help that don't involve the handover of cash? Sometimes people don't want that kind of help, but you can offer it anyway. I have offered to help my brother put his resume together. He thought it was a good idea but could I just lend him some money instead? No. Never again.

 

[kellyg403]

Are there ways to help that don't involve the handover of cash? Sometimes people don't want that kind of help, but you can offer it anyway. I have offered to help my brother put his resume together. He thought it was a good idea but could I just lend him some money instead? No. Never again.

Yes, but they all involve having these people around day and night and I can't do it. Literally thinking about it makes me want to throw up. The amount of drama long distance is bad enough...daily..can't do it. Just can not do it.

Kelly

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I have a dilemma that is posing a moral/ethical dilemma vs common sense. Ethically I know that it is right for me to help someone out that is in need. My common sense says that my boundaries will be violated on more than one occasion as the people involved do not have the same moral/ethics I do.
I find this situation *getting* to me as I know what the right thing is and I can't do it with the pureness of my heart, knowing it doesn't matter what happens after, just what I can do.

This very well could be a bad thing in my life. Could very well spell the end of a lot of things. And thats what comes in to play every time I try to rationalize the decision I need to make. Wanting to protect but knowing that morally I will regret not being helpful to this person. The people are 'kinda' family but not related to me. Over the years I have distanced myself but I do truly feel badly that for once, this problem they have is NOT of their making. But if I give in, they will just come back for more and more and more and more more.

There has to be a middle ground...BUT WHAT THE HECK IS IT! Before I go insane how do you decide between to very opposite choices..neither of which makes me happy and just might make me go insane...lol


Kelly

My middle ground is do they have a roof over their head and food in their belly? If the answer is yes then you are not "morally obligated" to help.

Do they smoke, drink, gamble, shop, cell phones, internet, cable, etc and spend money on that instead of food and shelter? I would not feel morally obligated to help. That is a matter of choice on their parts.

If they need food then they need to apply for social services and I would buy them groceries.

If they need a roof over their head well that is something that is complicated. I would only let family move in with me. So since your people are not family, I would not contribute to that. That is something they will need to sort out on their own.

I do not hand over cash to anyone. I will pay a bill or buy groceries but I will never give cash.

My parents are spendthrifts and we have had to help them over the course of our lives and this is how we walk the moral/ethical line.

 

[joviroxx]

Not knowing the situation, all I can say is not to confuse internal guilt with morally correct. I see this happen all the time.

Doing the right thing isnt always the one that pulls at your emotional heartstrings. Your subconscious can do a number on you and convince you the moral thing is always what is the "general unselfish" thing and that isn't always the case. The right moral thing is sometimes the harder choice. It is doing what is the best for everyone involved. and the best isnt always what they want. Listen to you head as well.

Good luck, I know decisions like these aren't easy. And about being 40? Well, Im 45 and I still can't even pick out the paint color for my living room by myself!

 

[Jalva22]

Would there be a way to help anonymously?

 

[Magpie]

In a case like this, I would help refer the needy people to the correct social agencies. I would look around for assistance for them, whether gov't, church or private. I would even drop off a home cooked meal or a bag of groceries. And be more generous at Christmas/Birthdays. Maybe do something for the kids, if they have any.

But money tends to just cause problems, and it doesn't help much long term. I'm very reluctant to lend money.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Not knowing the situation, all I can say is not to confuse internal guilt with morally correct. I see this happen all the time.

Doing the right thing isnt always the one that pulls at your emotional heartstrings. Your subconscious can do a number on you and convince you the moral thing is always what is the "general unselfish" thing and that isn't always the case. The right moral thing is sometimes the harder choice. It is doing what is the best for everyone involved. and the best isnt always what they want. Listen to you head as well.

Good luck, I know decisions like these aren't easy. And about being 40? Well, Im 45 and I still can't even pick out the paint color for my living room by myself!

I am 45 as well. Paint is so difficult. However I have learned I only like earth tones so I have made headway.

OP, if they are asking you for a large sum of cash tell them no. That is something that is not morally correct to do for yourself.

Yes it stinks to see someone on hard times however who isn't these days?

Here are my recent things we are doing to help family....

We pay for a part of my BIL's football tickets to help him out. Plus DH is always giving him info on hiring when we get wind of it. He is in a real bind for over a yr. He has taken many steps to try and fix his situation and he is no spendthrift or slouch with his money.

My dh fixes cars for free for family as long as they buy the parts.

These are little things but we all work together to help each out. You can't sink your own ship helping others.

 

[kellyg403]

Not knowing the situation, all I can say is not to confuse internal guilt with morally correct. I see this happen all the time.

Doing the right thing isnt always the one that pulls at your emotional heartstrings. Your subconscious can do a number on you and convince you the moral thing is always what is the "general unselfish" thing and that isn't always the case. The right moral thing is sometimes the harder choice. It is doing what is the best for everyone involved. and the best isnt always what they want. Listen to you head as well.

Good luck, I know decisions like these aren't easy. And about being 40? Well, Im 45 and I still can't even pick out the paint color for my living room by myself!

yep..internal guilt is EXACTLY what I feel...blah

 

[tlbwriter]

This is where my sticking point is..my common sense says there is way more to the story, my head is screaming no and my heart is saying what would you want someone to do for you????

Are these people you? Have these people done what you would do in order to solve their own problems? Have they done what you would do in order to prevent the problems in the first place? If you had made the same life choices these people made, would you expect others to help and consider them immoral if they didn't? Or would you say "Oh well, reaping what I sowed, I guess I better figure a way out of this?"

Fair does not mean equal. Not everyone deserves the same amount of sympathy and charity. Some people NEED to hit the bottom in order to see the light.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

yep..internal guilt is EXACTLY what I feel...blah

Oh my. Internal guilt is never a reason to help someone. Tell your friends NO!

You help someone because you are able to. You have a responsiblity to YOURSELF first !!!!!

 

[LisaR]

I don't understand why you can't help in other ways? Obviously, I do not know the situation but from what little you have given us, I surmise:

1. They live a long distance away

2. They have lost their jobs and are hurting financially

3. They have a past history of drama and mooching

4. Moving them closer (in with you ) is the only option you have mentioned besides helping them financially.

Why not buy them some gift cards to their local grocery store or a Target/Walmart type store? How about some Subway gift cards? A bus pass so they can get around the city if they have lost their car? A gift card for gas if they still have a card?

I am also confused about the internal conflict. I either want to help someone and I do or I don't want to help so I don't. If I feel in any way, shape or form that my help is going to go unappreciated or used in an improper way, I move on. There are plenty of people out there that could really use the help and will appreciate it. If something was giving me this much conflict, I would listen to what my body was telling me and move on.

 

[joviroxx]

I am 45 as well. Paint is so difficult. However I have learned I only like earth tones so I have made headway.

.

Good job!! LOL

 

[Wishing on a star]

Yes, but they all involve having these people around day and night and I can't do it. Literally thinking about it makes me want to throw up. The amount of drama long distance is bad enough...daily..can't do it. Just can not do it.

There is your answer.....

Everyone here is right...

These people need to go to the correct service agencies and help themselves....

Very obviously, you did absolutely NOTHING to contribute to their current situation, so you have absolutely NOTHING to feel guilty about.
It concerns me that one might feel 'guilty' for no reason...
It concerns me that one might feel 'guilty' for having a roof over your head and something to eat. This kind of guilt is not normal or healthy.
People that I call 'takers' are masterful at using guilt trips to get what they want for free.

"Don't cast pearls before swine"

 

[LuvOrlando]

It doesn't sound to me like you have an ethical or moral conflict at all. It sounds to me like you are being expertly manipulated. Your head is screaming no because there is something not right about the situation. Your heart is being tugged the other way because you heard something designed to make you feel responsible.

In my personal experience whenever there is a fight between my head and heart my head wins, my heart is a fool.

As for your feelings of guilt, let them go, people who have a pattern of these behaviors always have multiple fish on the line, someone else will eventually bite. Trust me, be unreachable for a month or so and you'll see how they land on their feet in the end.