Does every parent have a favorite kid?

[Moliphino]

My middle sister is my mom's favorite. She moved farther away and rarely comes to visit, but apparently that's fine for her. When my mom's siblings never come to visit their mother my mom gets mad and says they're on her list.
My oldest sister and I frequently get a "you're leaving already?" when we head home, even though we're at our parents' house pretty much every day. Why don't you criticize the one who's never here?

 

[Boopuff]

My mother had 4 grandchildren. (all girls) My girls were by far her favorites. Why? Well we lived close by, they babysat for us a lot, my girls KNEW them! My bro and his wife waited and waited to have kids. By the time they did, my girls were in high school, my parents well into their 70's. My bro resented the fact that my folks babysat for us. Well.... My husbands parents on the other hand, have 16 grandkids. My girls are just lost in the shuffle. They really, really favor their only daughters kids. Hey its all good the girls got love from both sides.- now sadly all the grandparents are gone.

With my girls, well they're both very different. My oldest is "the family rock" always wanting to do stuff as a family, travel together etc. My youngest, well if she see us more than once a month - that's too much. But she's also the one I get calls from starting with.... Mommy! And I know I'm still on top! But both are amazing young women. I'm equally proud of both of them.

 

[dez1978]

I don't have a favorite. But I do have one I try really really hard not to wake up on the weekends.lol

I will be honest and say at any given moment there is one I like more than the other. Which I think is generally true for most parents. Not all so don't come at me with the "I've always like my children exactly the same!!" And sometimes I don't like either one of them very much. And I know they don't always like me all the time and thats ok. We don't always have to like each other. As long as they know I will always love them no matter what. As a child when I was being a little turd, my mom would tell me thru gritted teeth " I do love you, but I don't like you very much at all right now" and that was probably a more powerful lesson to me than any other thing she could have said or done. I've 100% heard my mothers voice come out of my mouth when I've uttered those same words to my kids. lol They are 7 & 10 and could not be more different from one another. the 10 yr old is super dramatic in a way that 1 makes me really glad he's a boy, and 2 is really making me dread the next few years. But when he's being ridiculous, throwing a fit and screams "I don't like you!" at me (they know better than to tell me they hate me) if I say that it really gets his attention in a way that nothing else does and makes him stop to think about how he is acting.

 

[wenrob]

Yup, but she is a busy person and doesn't have time. I text and I call and sometimes it takes up to a week to get a response and they are a very heavily engaged in all electronics. You'll have to wait until you get older and know that your children have their own central family if something happens to them. No one is observing me. It isn't an even playing field is it? I don't demand that they do, I only expected that since I was very aware of when my mother was alone, I remembered to call her because she like me where/are not going to ever force myself on them. It seems like there is an effort underfoot to blame me for this. I can assure you that I have done everything I can to not interject myself into their lives unless they want me there. I guess what I did in connection with my parents is something that I shouldn't expect to be happening to me.

I'm not whining about this I am just explaining how even though there may be more than one child, it doesn't mean that they have exactly the same personalities. I'm just saying why it is possible to have a favorite and it is usually the one that seems to give a damn about you. Believe me, if you have this experience you will understand what I am saying.

I’m not trying to “blame you” for anything. I asked because my mom and stepmom had the attitude of “you must come to me, you must bring the grandchildren to me.” It had nothing to do with not wanting to insert themselves into my life. They were being entitled and to be honest a lot of the time just plain lazy. If I don’t text or call I don’t hear from them. My kids don’t hear from them. They are not helpless. They manage to make their phones work just fine posting ridiculous crap on FB. You can’t have a relationship if you don’t put in the effort on your side. It seems it’s easier for them to complain rather than do that though.

So had you said, no, you don’t I would have advised you to start. To reach out and make the effort. Since you say you do I’d still advise that you keep trying. Parent/grown child relationships can be hard especially when there’s a young family in the mix. It sounds like you are both trying and that’s a lot more than some people have.

 

[boop0524]

My parents favor my brother big time. He is the perfect child, and I was basically the opposite. They deny it, but people in the family even joke about it. My mom complains about how her mother favored her brother the most, and what do you know…. Maybe not always but favoritism can be extremely hurtful. My heart goes out to anyone else here who isn’t the golden child

 

[pigletto]

Trust me , when you are in a large family and not the favourite you feel it every day. I would NEVER in a million years even infer that one or the other was my favourite. They aren’t . Sometimes one has tested every one of my nerves and other days the other is snarky or rude about nothing. I don’t care, I love them both. Always and forever equally.

 

[VandVsmama]

My maternal grandmother had a favorite. Whoever (my mom or my aunt) was the favorite at the time was the one who my GM basically left everything to in her will. And she (GM) would regularly talk about it. When the favorite would do or say something to tick her off (which happens between parents and adult children sometimes!), she would talk to the non-favorite daughter about how she was going to change her will to leave everything to the non-favorite kid.

As a result, it bred an incredible amount of resentment between her 2 kids. After my GM died, they only spoke to each other through lawyers and ended up suing each other. It was a mess. They both ended up mad at me at various times throughout it all because I refused to take sides.

My GM was demanding. Expected her 2 children to just somehow "know" what she wanted, needed, etc. Yes, she really did expect them to anticipate her needs and somehow know what she wanted without her having to speak up for herself. She'd never flat out ask directly for anything. It was a lot of passive-aggressive manipulative hinting and other games.

Because of her lifetime of playing favorites between her 2 kids, she basically ruined any hope of her 2 kids getting along. Ever. There was so much triangulation there, it was crazy. My mom never saw it.

In her old age after my GF died, my GM went through a long phase for a long time of floating back and forth between living near my mom and then moving to live near my aunt. Whoever she lived closer to (i.e., on other sides of the country) was based on who was the favorite at the time. And then, invariably, something would happen...the wind would blow the wrong direction...and my GM would get mad or would think suddenly that she wasn't "needed" anymore and then the other kid would move into The Favorite position.

It was all totally messed up and very toxic.

Both my mom and my aunt spent decades knocking themselves out in order to win her approval on various things. Both my mom and my aunt also took turns having moments where they'd had enough and would say, "Enough, Mom! Enough of the games!" And then GM would move to be closer to the New Favorite.

My GM expected a lot of things from her adult children. But she wouldn't actually TELL them what she expected of them. So they had to guess and figure it out.

So I'm going to end this long post with this thought:
If you (the proverbial "you," not any of you here on this thread in particular) are dissatisfied with the relationship that you have with your adult child(ren), there is SOME sort of reason why. Maybe the problem is with you and your expectations. Maybe the problem is you want one thing, but you say that you want something else. Maybe the problem is with your kid...maybe your adult child is busy, not available right now where they are in THEIR life to give you what you need/want from them at this point in YOUR life...maybe your adult child is going through a phase. Maybe your adult kid is just a self-absorbed butthole. Or maybe it's a combination of factors.

If any of that applies, then you can only change YOUR thoughts, YOUR choices, YOUR actions. You need to decide what YOUR boundaries are. You need to clearly communicate what you want and be direct about it and not play head games or word games. And you might also need to be realistic in what your adult child might or might not be able to give back right now in the relationship.

And, if needed, go talk to a therapist about it to get some help in sorting some of it out.

Or don't. That is a choice as well. You can do what my GM did and stew about it, play head games, and basically make your kids miserable for years...to the point where it felt to them like spending time with her was more of a chore than an enjoyable experience.

You can choose to be a martyr or a victim about it or you can choose to take charge of your own life and your own choices. Whether or not the adult child meets you halfway and is agreeable to working on the issue(s) with you is not something that's up to you.

 

[palavra]

Yes! But I only have one kid

 

[goofyernmost]

Given how you feel, I would forgo the golf games, if I were her. Bless her.

As long as you are not judgmental without knowing the whole story or bothering to read the words instead of what you think I saying. Peace out!

 

[goofyernmost]

I’m not trying to “blame you” for anything. I asked because my mom and stepmom had the attitude of “you must come to me, you must bring the grandchildren to me.” It had nothing to do with not wanting to insert themselves into my life. They were being entitled and to be honest a lot of the time just plain lazy. If I don’t text or call I don’t hear from them. My kids don’t hear from them. They are not helpless. They manage to make their phones work just fine posting ridiculous crap on FB. You can’t have a relationship if you don’t put in the effort on your side. It seems it’s easier for them to complain rather than do that though.

So had you said, no, you don’t I would have advised you to start. To reach out and make the effort. Since you say you do I’d still advise that you keep trying. Parent/grown child relationships can be hard especially when there’s a young family in the mix. It sounds like you are both trying and that’s a lot more than some people have.

No, my only requirement is that I need to be asked to go there. I've gone to many times and felt like I was standing in the way. They have had thousands of things going on with the three kids over the years. Only twice did they ask me if I wanted to go. I did and I went. My other daughter always asked me to go along with them or meet them. No, I do not insist that they come to me and the only time I ever refused to go to them was one time when I was hospitalized. I was just the lowest priority on her to do list. I, in fact, texted her around noon today and asked her if she wanted to go with golfing with me tomorrow morning. It's now 7:30pm and not a word. I'm not going to beg anymore. If she can't even answer me and say no, I can't make it, it is one more wedge in the relationship. I need to stop talking about this anymore. I have done everything I can think of to let them know that I care and have always been there for them all through their childhood and teen years straight to now. I shouldn't have to beg for them to care.

 

[tarheelmjfan]

Based on my relatives & friends, everyone has an obvious favorite, but none would ever admit it. I really think they would try harder to treat them equally, if they could see it. I'm the youngest of six & was the obvious favorite. For that reason, I was okay with only having one child.

 

[sjberg79]

My Mother once told me that your first child is always your favorite. I'm her second born. I don't think she said it to be mean, I think she said it without thinking. I only have one child so he's my favorite.

 

[Colleen27]

All three of mine are my favorites in different ways. It is sort of baffling how three kids raised in the same household can be so different, actually. DS23 is a homebody, very responsible and settled for his age, and inherited my husband's gift for loving his work so much that his career is also his hobby. DD20 is a crusader, out to change the world, and she inherited my academic bent and love of travel. DD13 is a total diva, with a comfort with being in the spotlight and a self-confidence that she absolutely didn't get from any of us.

In my family, I do think my brother was the favorite but that's because his personality made him a lot easier to connect with. I know my mom's biggest frustration with me is that I'm not one to call just to chat and I don't like to ask for help/tend to keep my problems to myself, so she was closer to my brother simply because he was more communicative. Plus I take after my father, who was far from one of her favorite people, in a lot of ways; we spent years butting heads over her attempts to discipline away some of the similarities. To this day, I'm not sure if she stopped because she realized that while I am a lot like my dad I lack some of his more major flaws, or if she decided when we lost my brother that it wasn't worth alienating the only kid she had left. But I must have been Dad's favorite by default - I was the only one in the family still speaking to him for the last 15+ years of his life.

 

[Anchored]

I have two that I love equally and in different ways.
My son is the only grandson on both sides, though, and does get treated special by my mom especially.

Both of my kids have expressed that they think I love the other one more, so I think that solidifies my feeling that I don't have a favorite. They don't both agree that one is favored.

 

[lifesavacation]

I have two that I love equally and in different ways.
My son is the only grandson on both sides, though, and does get treated special by my mom especially.

Both of my kids have expressed that they think I love the other one more, so I think that solidifies my feeling that I don't have a favorite. They don't both agree that one is favored.

Isn't it funny when the kids guess and they get it wrong? Mine said that DS#1 was the favorite and he most definitely wasn't! He was hell on wheels from birth and got a lot of attention. That's probably why they guessed it was him. At one point, pediatrician told me it was OK not to like him He's a great adult now and has the biggest heart, but OMG, the kid was so ornery.

 

[BonnieJean925]

My parents favor my brother big time. He is the perfect child, and I was basically the opposite. They deny it, but people in the family even joke about it. My mom complains about how her mother favored her brother the most, and what do you know…. Maybe not always but favoritism can be extremely hurtful. My heart goes out to anyone else here who isn’t the golden child

My mother told me that if she had to choose, she would choose my brother.