Do better waitress/hostess, do better

[Bad Pink Tink 2.0]

"Upset" is too strong of a word for the first time it happened. But she for sure, wasn't amused. Day two, it did bother her a bit. She is in that self conscious phase where she doesn't want to stand out in any way and after two days in a row, she is very tired of being short.

At mid 40's I am tired of being short. I'm tired of having to get sleeves and pant legs altered as I'm shorter than than petite lengths. I'm tired of having back and neck pain from stretching, I'm tired of having to be diligent about being at the front of parades and shows at Disney parks or I wont be able to see, I'm tired of having to ask store workers to get items from high shelves at grocery stores. It is what it is. This is just something she will have to accept.

 

[fly girl]

"Upset" is too strong of a word for the first time it happened. But she for sure, wasn't amused. Day two, it did bother her a bit. She is in that self conscious phase where she doesn't want to stand out in any way and after two days in a row, she is very tired of being short.

Nothing you can do about being vertically challenged except wear heels. I did just that all through my 20’s and 30’s. Then I realized I wanted comfort.

I understand as a petite woman myself, especially at that age, but she’ll eventually embrace it and let it go with a laugh. That’s how you function as a shortie!

The hostess was on autopilot and didn’t look at her, just her height. I don’t think it was intentional to bother your daughter, innocent mistake. Not worth anything more than a shrug and a joke.

She’ll be thankful years down the road! Not right now, but she will tell this story gleefully when she’s older. Crazy, but true!

 

[china mom]

I guess I can see how the waitress could have only half looked and made an assumption. DH is 6'3 and I am 5'9 so, at 4'11, DD is dramatically shorted than us.

DD will get used to it eventually - she's going to have to.

 

[E&Cmom]

I got this for years and now have unfortunately passed it on to my 20 and 16 year old. I am 4’10. Luckily my girls are a few inches taller but we are always asked for kids menus. My eldest went to volunteer at a festival last week and everyone assumed she was in high school not 3rd year old university.

 

[Travel60]

The only thing your daughter can change is her attitude. Teens are picky about a lot of things but 19 is adult. She can vote! She can serve in the military! She can weather this.

 

[china mom]

The only thing your daughter can change is her attitude. Teens are picky about a lot of things but 19 is adult. She can vote! She can serve in the military! She can weather this.

Yes, and she has matured greatly over the past few years. There was a time when this would have ruined her night. But, she is still in High School and blending in and just being a normal girl is important to her.

A lot goes over her head (hopefully) such as a recent restaurant visit where the waitress took my order, took my husband's order and then looked at me and said "what will she have?' I couldn't tell if the assumption was that she didn't speak English or she was a child but DD didn't seem to have noticed. (DH noticed and he is typically oblivious to everything)

 

[MIGrandma]

it is definitely hard to be a server in a restaurant. I worked as a waitress for many years. Hard not to offend someone when you’re trying to delicately figure out if someone needs a children’s menu…or the 55 and up senior discount.

 

[PrincessShmoo]

hostess loudly asked us if we needed a children's menu.

To answer your question…I feel servers should ask, “Do we need any children’s menus today?” and let the customer say yes or no. This way there’s no accidental mistake with the age.

Most restaurants we go to include a children's menu when we are seated. Sometimes they ask, most times not.

I'm well over 12, or even 18 and I don't feel offended by it. In fact, often the "kids" menu is the same as the senior menu (which I am). But I used to order food from the kids menu before I was a senior, also. I find the kid's menu usually has more of the food that I like and smaller portions.

Works for me.

 

[mamamary]

My dd is 5’3 and isn’t big into wearing makeup and she gets mistaken for a young person all the time. She is 24. During covid when we could only do the drive thru at the library the person sorta leaned over to ask me if my child wanted a kids craft to bring home. She did laugh at that.

Last year when she was at work in a middle school (she’s a speech pathologist) some of the other teachers told her they thought she was a student. She wasn’t too happy that day.

On the other hand I am tall and didn’t like that when I was younger.

 

[_19disnA]

The OP's question seems to be a different topic from the title. I assumed this was some sort of question about who gets better tips, not about confusing the age of someone in your party. You could simply say '3 adults' when you step to the podium if someone in your party gets upset about being mistakenly identified as a child.

 

[easyas123]

Look - I'll be brutally honest here, I do think people (in general) can be a bit to sensitive.
I'm as short as your daughter, but at 51 I've learned to live with it because - well you know what, what other choice do I have?
Short story....literally and figuratively! So my husband and I have two sons - one tall like my husband, one short like me. I was once out near Phoenix visiting the shorter one He was stationed in the Army out that way...anyway, so we go to Tombstone for the day to do the tourist thing and decide to do a mine tour. I go up to the ticket booth, standing there with my son in the Army and the ticket booth gal asked if we wanted the 14 & under student discount! Did the ticket booth gal mean anything by it? No, she didn't. Was my son upset over it, no - he laughed and showed her his ID & they had a good laugh and then off we went on our day.

 

[JaxDad]

My daughter is 16. She’s 6’2”, thin, with short hair, and generally dresses in gym shorts/jeans and a t-shirt/hoody. She is often mistaken for a boy. I asked her if it bothered her and if she wanted me to correct the people, and she basically said it’s no big deal. I’ve just carried on as she wanted.

 

[hrhdhd]

DH and I bought our first home when we were 26. We moved in and had a succession of solicitors at the door. My husband opened the door to one, who said, "Hi, is your mom home?" He's not short (5'10") and at the time, didn't look like a teenager. Some people are just oblivious.

If you're wondering, DH said, "How would I know?" and shut the door.

 

[Random Ninja]

I’m 37 and 5’2” and still pass for early 20s. I’ve been mistaken for a kid for way too long so I’m glad I finally moved up to college student! It definitely gets annoying sometimes and other times it’s fun to roll with it.

Back when DH and I were still dating, we attended a tkd tournament and the one of the registration volunteers told me I needed a parent signature. I turned around and asked DH to sign my form and they were going to let him! DH is 4 years younger than I am. We were going to run with it until one of the other volunteers recognized us and let the cat out of the bag. We still laugh about that every time a tournament comes up.

 

[leebee]

My sister has the opposite problem. She is 53, 4'10", uses a wheelchair, and has about 50% grey hair. When she and my BIL go to restaurants, more than once they've heard comments about how nice it is that he takes his mother out for dinner, or are asked if this is a mother/son date, etc.!

Having a "height extreme" is just something you have to live with, as there is no changing it. I honestly feel sorry for today's teens/young adults, that everything is so crucial for them. I see my DD, nieces, and their friends, and someone is always embarrassed by something. I don't get it... to me, it's a "so what?" if people assume something based on my height or size. Heck, I had bariatric surgery so the quantity I can consume is very limited, but I'm not a small girl. I can't tell you how often servers comment about "not being a member of the clean plate club" or say something about how surely I can "finish what's on my plate" when I ask for a doggie bag. I just smile, say nope, and pack up my food. I don't understand how people are embarrassed by so many minor things.

 

[indimom]

My poor daughter wants to be tall so badly, It looks like she is going to top out at 4'11. We try to tell her that she will one day appreciate her youthful appearance but that message is not landing right now.

Friday night, we went to Outback for DS's birthday dinner. As we were called up fr our table, but not yet near the hostess stand, the hostess loudly asked us if we needed a children's menu. DD wasn't happy about that but shook it off.

Then Saturday night, we went out to dinner again (I know, we really should cook at home more). The hostess handed our waitress the menus and the waitress escorted us to our table and when we sat down, she handed us two menus and a folded up paper kids menu with games, coloring and two crayons. DS wanted to crawl under the table.

DD will be 19 in a few weeks.

I did not say anything because DD is very shy and would have been upset if I had made a comment to the waitress but, boy, did I want to.

My question for you is: what age ranges do you think that restaurant staff should assume that the family wants a kids menu and at what point should they ask the preference. Or should they ask at all and wait for the parents to ask?

Our daughter is 5'1" and never really wore makeup unless it was a special event. She also passed as a "child" much longer than she should have. I think the last time we were asked about a child menu was when she was 22-ish (my sister told her to ask for the drink menu to see their response...) We would just tell them she needed an adult menu and move on with our night.

She's 26 now, a bit curvier, and while she may still look young, she doesn't get confused for a child anymore.
She's currently in her 4th year of grad school and did a short gig teaching college chemistry this summer. She went out of her way to dress more professionally than normal, wear makeup, and wore heeled boots to add some height. She wanted to make sure she stood out from the students she was teaching. Your daughter may want to consider doing the same if this really bothers her.

 

[wenrob]

My DH’s genes run strong in my kids, he was carded well into his 40s especially if he was fresh shaven. Now in his 50s that run is over and it makes him sad. When you are young it’s annoying but when you get older you miss being fresh faced.

My two youngest will be 18 in two months. They are small and very young looking. They take bets on if we’ll be asked for kids menus. DS now has a beard but I’m betting DD will be asked well into her 20s and they’ll both give their dad’s carded record a run for its money. Older DD is 27 and still gets carded. Anyway, I think the only mistake here is the waitress didn’t ask but in the grand scheme I don’t think it’s anything to be upset about. It will funny, family lore in years to come.

 

[lanejudy]

Since you know it bothers her, be proactive about it. When you check-in tell them "4 adults." And when you are called, again say something like "we need 4 adult menus please."

Regardless of what posters here think should be best practice, she is going to encounter locations that aren't paying attention to the specific individual. Teach her to be proactive in asserting her needs, so she doesn't have to be reactive to what she considers a negative situation.

 

[jimmymc]

I agree that it's Ok to ask if you need any children's menus. You never necessarily want to assume anyone is that old or young. I've been mistaken as an adult since I was 14. You can also grab enough adult and kid menus that everyone who is borderline has both, but that might still be a little insulting if it also comes with crayons.

 

[Lord Manhammer]

Our daughter is 5'1" and never really wore makeup unless it was a special event. She also passed as a "child" much longer than she should have. I think the last time we were asked about a child menu was when she was 22-ish (my sister told her to ask for the drink menu to see their response...) We would just tell them she needed an adult menu and move on with our night.

She's 26 now, a bit curvier, and while she may still look young, she doesn't get confused for a child anymore.
She's currently in her 4th year of grad school and did a short gig teaching college chemistry this summer. She went out of her way to dress more professionally than normal, wear makeup, and wore heeled boots to add some height. She wanted to make sure she stood out from the students she was teaching. Your daughter may want to consider doing the same if this really bothers her.

This happened to a colleague of mine in grad school. She looked very young and was petite (but she was working on her PhD) and had to always alter her style of dress to avoid being mistaken as a student or not being taken seriously by her own students.

My wife is in her early 30's but looks like she's 19 and still gets carded for everything from tobacco to alcohol to weed. She loves it. But I've had more than one person either imply or outright ask if she was one of my former students that I started a relationship with (I teach college).