Divorce/Separation

[goofyernmost]

I would try marriage counseling. I would also see if your dh would be willing to go to the doctor for a medication change. It is very very common for antidepressants to need to be changed or adjusted over time.

 

[goofyernmost]

I would try marriage counseling. I would also see if your dh would be willing to go to the doctor for a medication change. It is very very common for antidepressants to need to be changed or adjusted over time.

Counseling is good, but only if both parties are willing to do it. My wife and I tried it and she couldn't deal with it because she felt that the counselor sided with me. I didn't notice any favoritism but, I wasn't looking for any.

I ended up going to counseling on my own to try and explore how to lower the tension and cope with the situation. That helped for a little while, but before long it just got to be more than I could handle. I stuck it out because I thought I was supposed to support someone that I once loved, but that was not the answer. It turned out she was right that the only way out was through the door.

I knew she was headed for disaster because her outlook and anger was going to destroy her and it did. She died 15 years later penniless and sick. It was awful to see and even though she didn't want me to have much contact with her, our daughters kept me filled in about what was going on and except for the last couple of years I did see her at the major holidays and birthdays and I could see the rapid decline. By then she no longer was angry, but you could tell she wasn't well. This was a woman that had two masters degrees. One in Nursing and one in Gerontology, straight A student in all of them. I saw her the last time laying in the bed, emaciated and in a coma that she never recovered from. I might have delayed that process and that does bother me, but deep down I know that there really was nothing I could have done to prevent the inevitable.

I don't think I made it clear. She left me, not the other way around. I just didn't expend any energy to stop her from going. I was just tired!

 

[Debbie Jean]

Counseling is good, but only if both parties are willing to do it. My wife and I tried it and she couldn't deal with it because she felt that the counselor sided with me. I didn't notice any favoritism but, I wasn't looking for any.

I ended up going to counseling on my own to try and explore how to lower the tension and cope with the situation. That helped for a little while, but before long it just got to be more than I could handle. I stuck it out because I thought I was supposed to support someone that I once loved, but that was not the answer. It turned out she was right that the only way out was through the door.

I knew she was headed for disaster because her outlook and anger was going to destroy her and it did. She died 15 years later penniless and sick. It was awful to see and even though she didn't want me to have much contact with her, our daughters kept me filled in about what was going on and except for the last couple of years I did see her at the major holidays and birthdays and I could see the rapid decline. By then she no longer was angry, but you could tell she wasn't well. This was a woman that had two masters degrees. One in Nursing and one in Gerontology, straight A student in all of them. I saw her the last time laying in the bed, emaciated and in a coma that she never recovered from. I might have delayed that process and that does bother me, but deep down I know that there really was nothing I could have done to prevent the inevitable.

I appreciate your honesty… I walked a very similar path and sadly share many of your experiences. I came to understand I am not responsible for other people’s choices, I can’t change them and I can’t “save” anyone from themselves … that when you choose the action, you choose the consequence… the ex never got that. They were his choices. Not mine.

You chose to save yourself… so did I. Watching the downward spiral is gut wrenching but so is the realization I couldn’t have prevented it, just gone under with it.

 

[Kennywood]

I would suggest first starting by finding a different doctor for your husband. Whatever treatment your husband's current doctor is doing obviously isn't working. Perhaps a fresh set of eyes can help properly diagnose and treat your husband. If a new type of treatment could help alleviate your husband's depression, you might find yourself in a much better marriage.

 

[disneymom1971]

Well I had the appointment yesterday and I really liked the therapist. I was nervous going in because I've never been to anything like that before. She was really good at settling my nerves and explaining the process. Before the appointment, I had decided to hold a few things back that I felt were too personal to share..they are demon's of my husband's so it almost felt like I was betraying a confidence by talking about them. However during the appointment when the therapist found out how long he had been depressed, she really pushed me on what I thought was the root of his depression. I realized that the only way forward was to be completely honest with her and I'm glad that I did. It is a heavy burden to carry when you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to about a situation. One of the things she recommended was to stop walking on eggshells around him. We all do that. Me, our kids. No one wants to make him upset. She didn't come out and say, "Why are you still there after so long?" but I've been asking myself that question. I'm going to see her once a week so my next appointment is next Thursday. She encouraged me to ask him some hard questions about "the situation" I referred to above.

 

[disneymom1971]

So I’ve been going to the therapist every two weeks since early December. It’s really helped me wrap my head around the situation I find myself in. We made it through the holidays and I lost my 100th pound on December 31st!! What??!! Crazy!! I’ve lost in total about 105 pounds. I’m not losing much weight but I can tell that I’m getting leaner and more toned.

As for the situation with my husband..not a lot has changed. I’ll have discussions with him and he’ll say it’s his job and he’ll try to do better but then he goes back to sleeping all weekend.

Recently I was looking up something on the computer and I found a website he belongs to that deals with cross dressing..can I mention that here? I don’t want to get in trouble. It’s a forum much like this one. One of the posts he was active on was about changes you would make in your life. He admitted in the post that he desperately wished he was female and that if he could go back he would make different choices..he said he wouldn’t have gotten married although he loves his wife and children dearly. He said that transitioning would hurt too many people and that he’ll just live his life as best he can.

I am confused, angry, devastated, sad..and too many other things. Saturday I had printed the post and handed it to him. He just looked at me and said it didn’t mean anything because he loved us and wouldn’t act on his transition/feelings. After I read the post initially, I was so upset I started looking for places to rent. Now that several days have passed, I’m just numb.

I do love him and care about him and this just makes me sad for me, for him, our kids. We’ve been married almost 30 years and the thought of starting over is overwhelming.

 

[dvcgirl67]

So I’ve been going to the therapist every two weeks since early December. It’s really helped me wrap my head around the situation I find myself in. We made it through the holidays and I lost my 100th pound on December 31st!! What??!! Crazy!! I’ve lost in total about 105 pounds. I’m not losing much weight but I can tell that I’m getting leaner and more toned.

As for the situation with my husband..not a lot has changed. I’ll have discussions with him and he’ll say it’s his job and he’ll try to do better but then he goes back to sleeping all weekend.

Recently I was looking up something on the computer and I found a website he belongs to that deals with cross dressing..can I mention that here? I don’t want to get in trouble. It’s a forum much like this one. One of the posts he was active on was about changes you would make in your life. He admitted in the post that he desperately wished he was female and that if he could go back he would make different choices..he said he wouldn’t have gotten married although he loves his wife and children dearly. He said that transitioning would hurt too many people and that he’ll just live his life as best he can.

I am confused, angry, devastated, sad..and too many other things. Saturday I had printed the post and handed it to him. He just looked at me and said it didn’t mean anything because he loved us and wouldn’t act on his transition/feelings. After I read the post initially, I was so upset I started looking for places to rent. Now that several days have passed, I’m just numb.

I do love him and care about him and this just makes me sad for me, for him, our kids. We’ve been married almost 30 years and the thought of starting over is overwhelming.

I'm really sorry that things have not improved in the marital department in your life. I remember responding that it sounds like he had serious depression and that it also sounded like he perhaps wasn't doing everything he could to improve his situation. And that personality plays a part as well. But what you've found out now, is really a whole nother kettle of fish.

I've been with my husband for 28.5 years, married for 25, and just the depression part of this would be tough to navigate for years on end. But what you've discovered really may be the root of his depressive issues. And while I am not a doctor, psychiatrist, psychologist or in any way qualified to say this....I'm not sure that he'll get out of his depression while continuing to suppress who he feels that he is. And if he wanted to fully transition, then you have every right to make the decision to move on if that's not what you signed up for...so to speak.

I would not want to stay with someone who is positively miserable because he's suppressing who he truly feels he is. That may be a journey he'll need to take on his own....however that looks for him. But you don't need to take that journey with him.

As for you, I think you've got the final phase of your life ahead of you. I know it has to be quite overwhelming, but I'm sure your therapist and other support groups/friends, who have been through divorce can help. At the point where you are now, it may be a good idea to speak to an attorney...to go over your options and protect yourself financially. I would not discuss that with your husband if you decide to do that. I've seen many people go through divorce. Many think that they'll be able to get through it amicably.....not many do.

I really wish you the best of luck. I think you're brave for posting this....and think it's amazing that you've lost 105 lbs! Keep up the great work .

 

[flyingdumbo127]

Big and prayers, Disneymom. You are a courageous lady! Please stay safe, be good to yourself, and know we all care

 

[leebee]

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I think if it were me, I'd be talking to my therapist and to my lawyer. Your husband's accepted that he's going to settle for living a lie, but that forces you into living a lie, also. I am sure he loves you and the kids because you are his family, but now you know how he really feels; he wishes he'd never gotten married, and it sounds like he's considered transitioning. He's not the person you thought he was, and your marriage isn't the relationship you thought it was. Now you have to decide if you can stay married to him, knowing all this. You need to think about what you want/need out of life. Can you get what you want emotionally by staying married? What about financially? I have several friends who've been in "situations" but chose to stay married because of their ages and retirement issues, of not wanting to try starting over, not wanting to grow old alone. Can you rearrange your life so you are able to stay married but live sort-of independently, more as roommates than as spouses? These are all things I'd be considering, if it were me, and while I might choose to stay married, there would be big changes in our living situation, the things I do for him, and of course I'd be talking to a lawyer, just to make sure that my finances were secure.

I'm sorry- I know how much this hurts. I watched my sister go through a divorce, after being married for almost 20 years, because her husband finally told her the truth and came out. When reading your post about how you are feeling, my stomach was churning, remembering the shock she went through. Please keep going to your therapist; you've never needed the support that you need now. It might not be easy, but you'll get through it; just make sure to keep it on your terms, so that you get to choose how you want your life to be now.

 

[dvcgirl67]

I'm so sorry you have found yourself in this situation. I think if it were me, I'd be talking to my therapist and to my lawyer. Your husband's accepted that he's going to settle for living a lie, but that forces you into living a lie, also. I am sure he loves you and the kids because you are his family, but now you know how he really feels; he wishes he'd never gotten married, and it sounds like he's considered transitioning. He's not the person you thought he was, and your marriage isn't the relationship you thought it was. Now you have to decide if you can stay married to him, knowing all this. You need to think about what you want/need out of life. Can you get what you want emotionally by staying married? What about financially? I have several friends who've been in "situations" but chose to stay married because of their ages and retirement issues, of not wanting to try starting over, not wanting to grow old alone. Can you rearrange your life so you are able to stay married but live sort-of independently, more as roommates than as spouses? These are all things I'd be considering, if it were me, and while I might choose to stay married, there would be big changes in our living situation, the things I do for him, and of course I'd be talking to a lawyer, just to make sure that my finances were secure.

I'm sorry- I know how much this hurts. I watched my sister go through a divorce, after being married for almost 20 years, because her husband finally told her the truth and came out. When reading your post about how you are feeling, my stomach was churning, remembering the shock she went through. Please keep going to your therapist; you've never needed the support that you need now. It might not be easy, but you'll get through it; just make sure to keep it on your terms, so that you get to choose how you want your life to be now.

I have known couples where one comes out at some point in the marriage. Once it was a very young couple. I was dating a guy (the one before DH). We were together for a couple of years and so I got to know the family well. His older brother and girlfriend had been together for 6 years before marrying. I was in the wedding. Very sweet couple. About a year later the guy started spending more and more time at "work"....the new wife was growing frustrated, and she finally snooped in his journal. He'd been paying for male escorts for years....before the wedding. That marriage ended immediately....she was incredibly embarrassed and angry. But at least she found out early. She remarried and has three kids....still married. The guy also married a man about a decade later. Another was a later in life marriage. They stayed together for the final ten years of the marriage until he eventually drank himself to death. The woman is now a completely different, revitalized human being.

In our OP's situation, and maybe she can answer if she'd like. But I'm wondering if it isn't already essentially a "roommate" situation. Typically when someone is going through what her husband is going through....there's not a lot of intimacy, if any at all.

I'm just not sure I'd want to "grow old" with someone who has essentially been lying to her, their children and himself for many, many years. I could not stay in that situation. In a way, she and her husband seem to have discovered something new about themselves. Well, he's known for awhile. But she's really feeling herself....she's lost over 100lbs and probably feeling better than she has in years and years. A lot of that weight is likely from this marriage....it's depressing living with someone like that. And while I obviously don't know her, I would be excited for her to get out there and find out what the rest of her life has in store for her. She's got 1/3 of it left...at least! The financial stuff can be scary at first, but to stay....ugh, I just couldn't. It depresses me even thinking about it.

I also don't know their financial situation at all. However, I wouldn't let that hold me back. I wouldn't move out either, not at first. I'd either force him to pay me 1/2 of the equity in the home and if he's not willing to do that....force the sale of the home. Split up the retirement savings, and go rent an apartment and enjoy what life you have left. And...you'd be doing him a favor. Let him go be who he really is....if he has the guts to do so.

Your adult children will be fine. In hindsight I believe that you'll all see signs of this newly revealed issue with the husband/father. I'm not saying it will be easy. But if I was in that situation, I wouldn't be able to see any other way forward.

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

I’m not new here but since this is a very personal post, I created a new profile. For people who have gone through a separation and divorce..how did you know your marriage was over? Was it a lot of little things or big things? My husband and I have been married 28 years. He suffers from depression and has since we were dating. He does take medication but nothing he’s taken seems to help. For the past year or so, he goes to work during the week and then sleeps the entire weekend. I am so alone. I’ve started dreading the weekends because of it. I will make suggestions for activities but he’s never interested. A year ago, I started going to the gym and it has made me feel so much better. He’s not interested. I’ve started dreading coming home, it’s like going from sunlight into darkness because of his mood. My birthday was in October and at the end of the day he handed me a bag from CVS with a birthday card. It didn’t have my name on it, no written message, just blank. We never exchange gifts but my heart broke. I felt like I didn’t matter enough to write any type of message. I’ve spent 28 years doing all the housework, shopping, cooking etc and I’m so tired. The thought of spending 20 or more years like this is unimaginable. I’m at the point I’d rather do stuff by myself. Our children are adults and I know they would be shocked if we divorced but not really. Does that make sense? They grew up with their dad’s depression and his temper. We’ve all walked on eggshells for years. I feel like I’m done.

For those that have been through this, how did you know that you needed to call it quits?

My heart breaks for you and I sincerely hope happiness comes your way sooner rather than later.
I would plead with your husband to find a new doctor and to also allow you to be part of the initial first visit. Try to find the right time to have "the conversation" of what you want for your ( both of you) future) and also your ( you) own. If you get the sense that he will not, can't not do "something" to change the current situation, then start the process of moving on.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I have known couples where one comes out at some point in the marriage.

And I want to say that these are probably more common now where it's blindsiding one of the partners but it seems mostly concentrated in older, long-running relationships. In our society now there's a lot more acceptance of people's sexuality and you'd be more likely to have two individuals getting married now to have had more openness regarding these things but years ago? It was so heavily stigmatized that it's not surprising we have stories of decades of repression. If anyone has seen the tv show Family Law the OP's situation is actually almost identical to that for one of the characters though the character is the one who came out years later, etc.

In my own family my cousin (3 years older than me) is married to a woman who identifies as bi. I know he knew long before they got married but she only came out publicly on her FB several years back.

Just as a broad notation cross dressing isn't necessarily the same as transitioning nor does transitioning mean surgical. The OP advised the husband wanted to transition but generally speaking (not directed at the OP) that does not necessarily mean surgical transition.

In the realm of sexual identity there can be a lot more to someone's feelings, in my own circle of people I know it runs the gamut.

Regardless that doesn't take away the sting of finding out something like the OP has

 

[princesscinderella]

So I’ve been going to the therapist every two weeks since early December. It’s really helped me wrap my head around the situation I find myself in. We made it through the holidays and I lost my 100th pound on December 31st!! What??!! Crazy!! I’ve lost in total about 105 pounds. I’m not losing much weight but I can tell that I’m getting leaner and more toned.

As for the situation with my husband..not a lot has changed. I’ll have discussions with him and he’ll say it’s his job and he’ll try to do better but then he goes back to sleeping all weekend.

Recently I was looking up something on the computer and I found a website he belongs to that deals with cross dressing..can I mention that here? I don’t want to get in trouble. It’s a forum much like this one. One of the posts he was active on was about changes you would make in your life. He admitted in the post that he desperately wished he was female and that if he could go back he would make different choices..he said he wouldn’t have gotten married although he loves his wife and children dearly. He said that transitioning would hurt too many people and that he’ll just live his life as best he can.

I am confused, angry, devastated, sad..and too many other things. Saturday I had printed the post and handed it to him. He just looked at me and said it didn’t mean anything because he loved us and wouldn’t act on his transition/feelings. After I read the post initially, I was so upset I started looking for places to rent. Now that several days have passed, I’m just numb.

I do love him and care about him and this just makes me sad for me, for him, our kids. We’ve been married almost 30 years and the thought of starting over is overwhelming.

I'm so sorry you have discovered such a secret about your husband after all these years and can't imagine all the feelings it has stirred up in you about your life together. I hope this can lead to a more open discussion with him about what your relationship will look like going forward and maybe help him navigate to better mental health since he no longer has to hide it from you. I am so proud of you for working on yourself through therapy and your amazing weight loss, you will need this strength as you navigate the path forward. Hugs and prayers to you for all the tough decisions and conversations ahead.

 

[EllieJedi]

So I’ve been going to the therapist every two weeks since early December. It’s really helped me wrap my head around the situation I find myself in. We made it through the holidays and I lost my 100th pound on December 31st!! What??!! Crazy!! I’ve lost in total about 105 pounds. I’m not losing much weight but I can tell that I’m getting leaner and more toned.

As for the situation with my husband..not a lot has changed. I’ll have discussions with him and he’ll say it’s his job and he’ll try to do better but then he goes back to sleeping all weekend.

Recently I was looking up something on the computer and I found a website he belongs to that deals with cross dressing..can I mention that here? I don’t want to get in trouble. It’s a forum much like this one. One of the posts he was active on was about changes you would make in your life. He admitted in the post that he desperately wished he was female and that if he could go back he would make different choices..he said he wouldn’t have gotten married although he loves his wife and children dearly. He said that transitioning would hurt too many people and that he’ll just live his life as best he can.

I am confused, angry, devastated, sad..and too many other things. Saturday I had printed the post and handed it to him. He just looked at me and said it didn’t mean anything because he loved us and wouldn’t act on his transition/feelings. After I read the post initially, I was so upset I started looking for places to rent. Now that several days have passed, I’m just numb.

I do love him and care about him and this just makes me sad for me, for him, our kids. We’ve been married almost 30 years and the thought of starting over is overwhelming.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had found things on our computer when I wasn’t even looking for them that my ex-husband was at least interested in men. We went to counseling for quite a while but ultimately, due to that and other issues, we went ahead with a divorce. It was amicable and we are on good terms now. We had been together for 21 years and married for 15, and have 2 sons. It was really scary at first being on my own especially as our older son has special needs, but after the first couple of years I realized my life is better now. I continued with counseling for a while after the divorce until I felt in a better place.

 

[Nancyg56]

Have you tried therapy for yourself? Even if you talk with your husband and he chooses not to go, going on your own can be beneficial and help you decide what you need to do. You are the only one who can decide which path you need to take and when it’s time to do so.

I was going to suggest this

I am overwhelmed with gratitude for everyone’s thoughts, experiences and advice. When I started going to the gym in January, I was at such a low point. My self esteem was non existent and I was lost. Since January, I have lost almost 100 pounds and I’m almost to my goal weight. This process has made me realize how much his depression was affecting me. It took me 52 years to realize that I could only control my own happiness and that has been life changing. I appreciate that others echoed that sentiment.

I am going to look for a therapist. It never occurred to me to go that route. My husband does have a doctor that he goes to regularly to manage his meds. I’ve asked repeatedly to go with him but he doesn’t want me to go. Our children will be home for Thanksgiving but this weekend after they leave, I’m going to sit down with him to talk. He’s been inpatient before and to be honest, I can’t see him doing that again. He’s had so many different meds that I’ve lost count as well as electric shock therapy..I think that’s what it’s called.

It has been such a long road and I’m just so tired of it all. I don’t know if I can say I’ve checked out but I’m headed in that direction if there’s no change on his end or that he’s at least trying. Again I appreciate everyone’s responses.

I have shared here years ago that my DH and I went though a very rocky patch in our marriage. It was awful. We had tried counseling bit it really never was successful, or maybe we were just not good at it. Anyway, it got really bad and I made an appointment, DH agreed to go. I expected our counselor to tell me to dump his sorry self, but he did not. He did tell us that before he could help us as a couple we needed to work on ourselves. So we did.

I have to tell you that we could not even breathe the same air, and I moved back to my Moms. We went to sessions separately for a long time and then started marriage counseling together. We both had learned that we had been staying in our marriage for the wrong reasons. I thought I had to stay because he provided a home and he thought he was stuck with me becasue I really had no skills to support myself. By the time we began marriage counseling I was working in a job to build skills in addition to my job cleaning. I was exhausted but learning new skills. He was learning to appreciate the value I brought into the home because when I was not there there was a huge void in all that I took care of. The truth was that neither one of us the tools to make a marriage work, so we needed help getting there.

WE are together 44 years and married 32. I don't know your situation, but I do know the sense of loneliness and failure, that feeling unloved and undervalued brings. I would make that appointment and invite your husband to join you. What he does with that invitation is up to him. You have already decided that working out is important to your overall health and wellbeing, so this is one more thing you can do for yourself. If your husband joins you the two of you can determine how to proceed with your counseling. If not, you may have your answer. either way, you deserve to be healthy.

Buddy and I are so much stronger as a couple today, but that is because as individuals we are each stronger. Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Loving someone suffering from chronic depression is difficult.

 

[HannaBelle]

I am so sorry disneymom1971, it sounds like you are doing everything right. Taking care of yourself and really thinking things through. My SIL just started over after 30 years of marriage and while it is hard, I think she will be better off in the future.

​

 

[LoveToDisney]

I’m sorry to hear what you have been going through. If you don’t have separate finances, I suggest you slowly, quietly make sure he can’t clear out all the accounts by having some accounts with just your name. I have several friends who have had divorces thrust upon them. One husband emptied ALL the accounts including the children’s college fund and her retirement fund and disappeared. It was awful. Another friend underestimated how expensive it is to live alone and has been in eternal debt ever since her divorce.
I have not lived with someone in such depression so I can’t help you there but I agree with the poster above to not mention “divorce” which may make it so much worse because of the bad temper mentioned. Prepare and go slowly. Get advice from professionals. Try to get some therapy so you can talk through things to help yourself.

 

[LuvOrlando]

So sorry to hear this disneymom1971 I would feel very betrayed to have been mislead. I hope you can find some comfort once you sort through what YOU want to do. Just because he is ok with business as usual does not mean you need to follow his lead according to his schedule, you take time to decide what you want, you matter too.

Counseling is good, but only if both parties are willing to do it. My wife and I tried it and she couldn't deal with it because she felt that the counselor sided with me. I didn't notice any favoritism but, I wasn't looking for any.

I ended up going to counseling on my own to try and explore how to lower the tension and cope with the situation. That helped for a little while, but before long it just got to be more than I could handle. I stuck it out because I thought I was supposed to support someone that I once loved, but that was not the answer. It turned out she was right that the only way out was through the door.

I knew she was headed for disaster because her outlook and anger was going to destroy her and it did. She died 15 years later penniless and sick. It was awful to see and even though she didn't want me to have much contact with her, our daughters kept me filled in about what was going on and except for the last couple of years I did see her at the major holidays and birthdays and I could see the rapid decline. By then she no longer was angry, but you could tell she wasn't well. This was a woman that had two masters degrees. One in Nursing and one in Gerontology, straight A student in all of them. I saw her the last time laying in the bed, emaciated and in a coma that she never recovered from. I might have delayed that process and that does bother me, but deep down I know that there really was nothing I could have done to prevent the inevitable.

I don't think I made it clear. She left me, not the other way around. I just didn't expend any energy to stop her from going. I was just tired!

It is tough to watch someone collapse but in the end truly, there is no way to save someone from themselves. You did the best thing and gave your children a safe separate space so they could love their parent from a safe distance limiting the damage. Good human for this



Love doesn't mean letting someone else drown you in their issues, love is to coexist in harmony with everyone trying their best for better for worse. It's ok to go it detach.

 

[disneymom1971]

As before, thank you all for opening up about you and your family/friends situations. It’s amazing the support I feel from people I don’t know. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I will discuss what I found online. I’m so torn. I have found a townhouse that’s fully renovated in a good area that I can afford. We do have a house that we will need to sell. I can’t see either of us staying there. I haven’t brought up the idea of separation yet..I want to meet with my therapist first. I am going to open a bank account in my name this week.

I have known couples where one comes out at some point in the marriage. Once it was a very young couple. I was dating a guy (the one before DH). We were together for a couple of years and so I got to know the family well. His older brother and girlfriend had been together for 6 years before marrying. I was in the wedding. Very sweet couple. About a year later the guy started spending more and more time at "work"....the new wife was growing frustrated, and she finally snooped in his journal. He'd been paying for male escorts for years....before the wedding. That marriage ended immediately....she was incredibly embarrassed and angry. But at least she found out early. She remarried and has three kids....still married. The guy also married a man about a decade later. Another was a later in life marriage. They stayed together for the final ten years of the marriage until he eventually drank himself to death. The woman is now a completely different, revitalized human being.

In our OP's situation, and maybe she can answer if she'd like. But I'm wondering if it isn't already essentially a "roommate" situation. Typically when someone is going through what her husband is going through....there's not a lot of intimacy, if any at all.

I'm just not sure I'd want to "grow old" with someone who has essentially been lying to her, their children and himself for many, many years. I could not stay in that situation. In a way, she and her husband seem to have discovered something new about themselves. Well, he's known for awhile. But she's really feeling herself....she's lost over 100lbs and probably feeling better than she has in years and years. A lot of that weight is likely from this marriage....it's depressing living with someone like that. And while I obviously don't know her, I would be excited for her to get out there and find out what the rest of her life has in store for her. She's got 1/3 of it left...at least! The financial stuff can be scary at first, but to stay....ugh, I just couldn't. It depresses me even thinking about it.

I also don't know their financial situation at all. However, I wouldn't let that hold me back. I wouldn't move out either, not at first. I'd either force him to pay me 1/2 of the equity in the home and if he's not willing to do that....force the sale of the home. Split up the retirement savings, and go rent an apartment and enjoy what life you have left. And...you'd be doing him a favor. Let him go be who he really is....if he has the guts to do so.

Your adult children will be fine. In hindsight I believe that you'll all see signs of this newly revealed issue with the husband/father. I'm not saying it will be easy. But if I was in that situation, I wouldn't be able to see any other way forward.

thank you dvcgirl..you are absolutely spot on. I feel like I’ve been sitting by watching life and not participating. I do feel amazing and I don’t want to miss it. I am very lonely and have been but I’m to the point I’d rather be alone and happy than together, still lonely and unhappy.

 

[pigletto]

As before, thank you all for opening up about you and your family/friends situations. It’s amazing the support I feel from people I don’t know. I have a therapy appointment tomorrow and I will discuss what I found online. I’m so torn. I have found a townhouse that’s fully renovated in a good area that I can afford. We do have a house that we will need to sell. I can’t see either of us staying there. I haven’t brought up the idea of separation yet..I want to meet with my therapist first. I am going to open a bank account in my name this week.




thank you dvcgirl..you are absolutely spot on. I feel like I’ve been sitting by watching life and not participating. I do feel amazing and I don’t want to miss it. I am very lonely and have been but I’m to the point I’d rather be alone and happy than together, still lonely and unhappy.

Can I just send you the worlds biggest hug, and all my support and energy? I think you’re getting some great advice so I won’t add to it. But even in the midst of this pain and shock, you sound incredibly strong and I’m glad you have that strength in you. I can’t even imagine how hard this is but I truly believe there is a beautiful life for you on the other side of this.