Divorce and In Laws

[tiggerlover]

Is it possible to maintain a relationship with the inlaws after divorce? Do you continue to call them you MIL, FIL, SIL, nieces and nephews?

 

[AnnaS]

From the little I know, a co-worker (early 60s) lived with the in-laws while married - they were separated/divorced many years ago - I am really not sure if she ever gave him the divorce. When he left her and the children, she stayed behind to live with the in-laws. She always speaks well about them. The FIL recently passed - she now always says how she cooks dinner and invites the MIL down or she will go up, etc. Recently my co-workers married son moved in also. Supposedly they have a great relationship. It's the husband that was a looser.

I think anything is possible -

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Is it possible to maintain a relationship with the inlaws after divorce? Do you continue to call them you MIL, FIL, SIL, nieces and nephews?

I think it depends on if the people are nuts and how you carried yourself during the divorce.

My brother is divorced and he still does not "get along" with the ex-in laws. However we did not take sides. Now we don't reg. visit or anything but if there is something "big" and we see them we are cordial.

 

[AnnaS]

I forgot a big one - I have a cousin (50s) who left his wife after 20 years or so for another woman. We actually have a better and closer relationship with her than him. She is close to all her sil, bil, nieces and nephews as well as her four adult children.

 

[luvsJack]

My mom maintained a relationship with my brother's first wife.

I had a horrible relationship with my ex-inlaws while me and ex-h were married but after the divorce and he remarried they pointed all that bad stuff at the new wife and decided I wasn't the wicked witch after all! ex-fil really liked dh and even kept inviting us down for a cook out--we didn't go.

 

[Nancyg56]

Years ago I cleaned for a woman who had had a stroke after surgery for a brain aneurysm. She was divorced, her DH was on FMLA to care for her, he ex was remarried and lived in another state. They visited one time when I was there and the visit was cordial. Several months later my customer went in to have another aneurysm taken care of and her ex and his wife came to stay with their son so he would not miss school. The surgery was in Boston. She had another stroke, suffered vertigo and needed someone with her 24/7. Her DH was out of time. Her ex's wife stayed for months caring for her.

I held these folks up as a model of how I wanted to treat someone in very uncomfortable circumstances. One day her ex told me that he had the highest respect for my customers DH, he told me that no one really thought about how the whole arrangement affected him and that he felt he was graceful and beyond courteous in the very difficult circumstance.

 

[Minnie_me]

It really does depend on your relationship with them during the marriage, IMO. I've been divorced twice (sadly). I was VERY close to my ILs from my first marriage. Afterward, I remained close with them. I continued to socialize with my SILs and their families, and celebrated birthdays and holidays with FIL and MIL for about 3 years. But by that time, my ex was about to remarry (and *she* was my former best friend), and it was just too awkward for everyone. So I slowly backed away. I still keep in touch with them, mostly through Facebook, but we don't really socialize anymore.

My ILs from my second marriage were annoying, self-centered and just plain wacky. I couldn't be more thrilled to not have to have a relationship with them any longer! I actually wish my children could cut ties, as well, but I know that it's in their best interest to remain connected.

 

[kellyg403]

Personally I have a pretty superficial relationship with the ex in laws. On the surface we are friendly but its not like I would ask them if I could move in if I fell on hard times. I might ask for the kids sake, but thats about it.

I do know someone that after divorce, lived with her ailing mil. The mil was very sick and she had pretty much been taking care of her throughout her marriage to the woman's only son. She stayed and took care of her until she passed. Her ex made a lot of excuses why he never came to see his mother, most of them were about the ex wife still living off his mother and he couldn't stand the sight of her. Nor could his new wife evidently find the time to take care of his mother so the ex could move on with her life.

In the end, my friend was a really selfless person. She lost a lot of years caring for the mil, but she loved her and didn't want to place her in a home just because she was being divorced by the son. They had a WONDERFUL relationship. She has never voiced regret staying with the mil all those years even though it meant she never got to get back into the swing of dating or anything. It was fine with her.

I think that just shows what a truly wonderful person she is. I don't know if I could do it so humbly.

Kelly

 

[torinsmom]

I am still cordial with my ex-MIL, and that side of the family. I have a son with my ex, so they are part of his family. I don't still call her my MIL though; she is my ex's mother or my son's grandmother. I still consider his cousins on that side his cousins, but they are not really my nieces or nephews anymore. This is not to say that I LOVE his family and if they ever start trying to make me feel bad for any of the negative interactions my ex and I have, I tell them to mind their own business.

 

[dfchelbay]

Is it possible to maintain a relationship with the inlaws after divorce? Do you continue to call them you MIL, FIL, SIL, nieces and nephews?

Consider first how your ex feels about you. If he is in a place where you are not his favorite person, leave the inlaw family alone. It really doesn't matter how well you got along with them while married. It is the ex's family, and your ex may not want you around any of them. You may end up is a very nasty situation with your ex. Wait for the ex to show you how/what kind of relationship is wanted with his family.

If a relationship is meant to be at some point with your former inlaws it will happen.

 

[Cheshire Figment]

1. From a legal standpoint (or at least as far as the IRS is concerned) once an in-law relationship is created it is not broken by either divorce or death.

2. My sister was divorced many years ago. About five years after the divorce her former husband met his now wife. They are both welcome at family functions; it is very civilized.

 

[clh2]

My aunt and uncle got divorced 20 or 25 years ago. I always liked my aunt - so eventhough she technically isn't my aunt anymore, "I" didn't divorce her. Lovely lady!

My aunt and her family were always very nice and gracious, and at my cousin'g functions (graduations, weddings, showers, etc) have always been very welcoming to "our" side of the family.

My uncle passed away last summer (at 59), and my aunt AND her family again, very helpful, and supportive of my cousins.

I don't see this aunt very often, she was transferred to another part of the country about 10 years ago.

NOW- on the other hand...my sister and BIL are just about at the end of the divorce process...Should have done this about 15 years ago. It has just been NASTY. I would love to "keep" the BIL and get rid of my sister. We will definitley be keeping in contact with him.

 

[apirateslifeforme]

I have had no contact with my ex, his mother, his father, and his stepmother since our divorce. But his stepfather has kept in contact with my mother and I (I suspect without his wife's knowledge). He's such a nice man and I do feel bad saying this, but he seems to only keep in touch to let us know what trouble my ex is in "this time," and frankly, I don't want or care to know. I think he just needs someone to talk to.

(The reason I suspect that his wife doesn't know that he contacts us is because he stopped over the day after my wedding to drop off a card with some money in it, but he was adamant that we not send a thank-you note. And the card was only signed by him, in his name only, not him and his wife together.)

 

[*pixie*dust*]

My former MIL is still part of my son's life and I consider her family. (My ex has very little contact with my DS.) If she is visiting, I introduce her as "my son's grandmother" just for simplicity. While she is no longer my MIL, she will always be my son's grandmother. She lives 1000 miles away but does come and visit annually. She usually stays several days with us while she is here and we have a warm relationship. She has little contact with her son by his choice.

 

[golfgal]

I have a friend that was divorced about 3 years ago, her MIL doesn't talk to her SON any more because he was such a jerk to his family. My friend is still very close to her MIL, she goes to all of the kids' stuff, etc.

 

[Pakey]

I love my ex in laws. I divorced almost 30 years ago and still consider them family.

My current husband also has a great relationship with his ex inlaws (also divorced 30+ years). Even stranger, I'm now close with his ex inlaws and they think of me as part of their family.

Since we both had children from these marriages, I've always been very appreciative of these relationships.

 

[Sorsha]

When my loser father left my mom (she wasn't even 20 yet) with a tiny baby (me), my mom still maintained a wonderful relationship with my grandmother. I think it was partly for my sake, partly because they just liked eachother and got along well.

My grandmother knows her son is a low-life, in fact AFAIK they don't speak anymore- or if they do, very rarely.

And my mom always said it wasn't my grandmother's fault that my dad was a complete waste of skin, her other son (my uncle) turned out just fine and is an admirable man, loves my kids to pieces.

Mom did, however, stop referring to my grandma as her "mother in law" after the divorce, and just called her by her first name, or (when talking to me) called her "Grandma Name".

 

[MrsJackSparrow4Life]

I am actually closer to my sister's ex than I am to my sister and I have already told my brother if he breaks up with his girlfriend I am keeping her over him

 

[WDWFAN9]

I absolutely did. I have an ex-husband but no ex-inlaws. They are wonderful people and we were family for a long time before ex left.

 

[fireflymedic]

Is it possible to maintain a relationship with the inlaws after divorce? Do you continue to call them you MIL, FIL, SIL, nieces and nephews?

I would say if you have kids, yes

If not it would be kind of strange