Deciding whether to have a second child

[Jaime4004]

i think only you know how you really feel. and if your heart wants two, then you should listen to it.

we had two kids and i ALWAYS felt like we were missing someone. always. DH was quite fine with two. i had finally convinced myself to be content with with only having two children when we found out we WERE having a third. i am so thankful for him. HE is truly what was missing in our family.

and i will say that i am completely content now. if someone were to leave a baby on my porch, i wouldn't object. but i truly feel our family is complete.

Agree with all of the above, even the baby on the porch. After we had the first 2 (one boy, one girl), my mother thought we were crazy to have a 3rd. What's more perfect than one of each? I totally felt like we were missing something, and we were! I knew we were done after my 3rd was born, feel totally complete now. And i'm happy to have a big family, DH and I won't be around forever and at least they'll all have each other!

 

[mhsjax]

Wow, seriously? Well, if mhsjax thinks everyone SHOULD have more than one kid, you better do it! Heaven forbid someone only want one child. But that doesn't matter, because you SHOULD. That's quite a statement to make.

OP- don't listen to people saying "oh I was an only child and I always wanted a sibling." The grass is always greener. They are assuming their sibling would be their best friend. There's no guarantee your kids would be close. My brother and I are two very different people and not all that close. It has to be YOUR decision.

OK seriously. She asked for an opinion, I gave mine. And in case you didn't read her post, she said in her heart she want' to try for another. Plenty of others shared the opinion of having more than one. Is there a reason you find my post so offensive? If you don't like my opinion, just disagree and keep your smart comments to your self.

IF she knew she wan't only one child and there was no debate, she wouldn't have asked. This wasn't a debate over having an only,this was a person asking
for advice.

And for your reading enjoyment, on the thread about people remaining childless by choice, i said it was no ones business if the couple didn't want kids. But If someone asks about more than one, I do think more than one is better, but that is MY opinion. We are free to express our opinions here. I do have plenty of friends with only one child and they know that 100% they didn't want more and that is their business, but if they were to ask because they were unsure, I would tell them to have more.

OH and what makes you the expert. You say don't listen to us, why should she listen to you, if I remember correctly, you don't even have 1 child.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

This is a very well timed topic for me. My baby is 2 months old. I am 35 and had a very difficult pregnancy. The clock is ticking. I want another baby , my heart wants another. I want to wait a year or two but fear it will make it harder. My husband currently wants just the one we have. He is worried about me going through another pregnancy and also the financial aspect. So we will wait and see if he has a change of heart. He comes from a very large family and he was pretty much neglected as a child. He is friendly with his siblings if he sees them. But they rarely call each other. He is not close with his family at all. He wants his child to have all the love and things he ever had.

 

[Conservative Hippie]

This is a very well timed topic for me. My baby is 2 months old. I am 35 and had a very difficult pregnancy. The clock is ticking. I want another baby , my heart wants another. I want to wait a year or two but fear it will make it harder. My husband currently wants just the one we have. He is worried about me going through another pregnancy and also the financial aspect. So we will wait and see if he has a change of heart. He comes from a very large family and he was pretty much neglected as a child. He is friendly with his siblings if he sees them. But they rarely call each other. He is not close with his family at all. He wants his child to have all the love and things he ever had.

I know you didn't ask for advice, but waiting at least a year will be easier on your body for a 2nd pregnancy.

 

[FlyingDumbo]

I know you didn't ask for advice, but waiting at least a year will be easier on your body for a 2nd pregnancy.

I'm defiantly waiting at least a year! . The little guy is keeping us pretty busy!

 

[mtemm]

we always knew we wanted 2, even before we had DS11. I had him right before I turned 34, and wanted to keep the 2nd child around 2 years apart. I ended up with twins the second time around (surprise!), they were born a month after my eldest's 2nd birthday. I remember looking around my dinner table one night and realizing my family just felt complete. and no, that wasn't just exhaustion talking. lol.

Yes, money is tight. I'm a SAHM, and now that the kids are older I am considering going back to work, starting a new career. I worry about our finances, I worry about retirement and college funds and home repairs. But I wouldn't trade my 3 in for a lack of those worries. It is the right choice for us, though. You need to figure out what works for you.

I will warn you, though, something to consider as an older mom is that your chances of twins is now higher. I did not know that at all until I was pg with the twins and started reading up. Neither dh nor I have twins in our family, it really was a total shock to find out there were 2 in there!

Good luck with whatever you decide. I know many happy single child families, too. They are very good at making sure their child has playmates on hand as often as possible, or are involved in groups/camps/etc.

 

[aristocatz]

Thank you for all of these honest and helpful replies I totally forgot I posted this & am glad that I checked my sub threads.

Still torn on what to do & so many factors to take into consideration-finances being a major one, as well as our age (I'm in my late 30's, DH is 40). We are by no means poor, but not loaded either. I'm worried about spreading ourselves too thin &, in turn, not being able to give both kids what they want in life (little things like family vacations, extra curricular activities, etc). On the other hand, I enjoyed my pregnancy, & adore raising my little one. I think my DD would be an amazing sister & I also think she would be fine as an only child. So far she is growing to be a very well adjusted and social little girl. Still mulling through this decision.

Please feel free to continue to share your experiences and input

 

[pigletgirl]

Many of my friends are on the 'a kid every 15 month plan' and that just isn't for us. I'm pretty sure we want to expand our family, but I want DD At LEAST 2 before we try, and maybe even older.

I have 5 siblings, and DH has 3. I know we would like at last one more, maybe two? It's hard to think like this right now as DD is in the throws of colic and GI issues. My poor baby girl.

But I do think one of the greatest gifts you can give your child, is a sibling.

 

[elaine amj]

I am an only and love it. Never wished for a sibling once I was past the age of 5 or so!!

Anyway, I would let that concern be your deciding factor.

Do you WANT to parent another child again? Did you love it? Enjoy it? Want to experience it again? Then go for it. If you'd rather not go through all that again, then don't. My mom made the decision when I was 8 years old not to have another. She liked her life as it was (freedom to go on trips, having the extra money, not being tied down to a baby). She just didn't want to go back to that.

I agree - you have to make the decision for yourself. I KNEW I didn't want to parent a third. I have never ever regretted stopping at two.

A couple of weeks ago we jumped in the car on a Friday night to head to Disneyland to see the fireworks. The kids, as usual, were bickering back and forth (as a 15-year old girl and 10-year old boy will do). We decided to stop and ride Pirates. The kids were seated in the front with DH and I right behind them. As the boat was about to go over the first drop, I watched my DD put her arm protectively around her little brother (not because he was afraid or anything, but just because). Now I cannot speak for what is right for any other family, but in that moment, I was absolutely sure that our decision was right for us

Those moments are so incredibly precious

Thank you for all of these honest and helpful replies I totally forgot I posted this & am glad that I checked my sub threads.

Still torn on what to do & so many factors to take into consideration-finances being a major one, as well as our age (I'm in my late 30's, DH is 40). We are by no means poor, but not loaded either. I'm worried about spreading ourselves too thin &, in turn, not being able to give both kids what they want in life (little things like family vacations, extra curricular activities, etc). On the other hand, I enjoyed my pregnancy, & adore raising my little one. I think my DD would be an amazing sister & I also think she would be fine as an only child. So far she is growing to be a very well adjusted and social little girl. Still mulling through this decision.

Please feel free to continue to share your experiences and input

I haven't read all the other posts, so I don't know if someone has said this already, but my 2 cents worth is:

Try to take some of the pressure of making this decision off of yourselves. Either road will come with stress and regrets, and either will bring you joy and comfort. There isn't a "right" decision. Either are good. You can't make a wrong choice - like everything else in life, you'll just make a choice, then maximize your happiness with what you've chosen.

Good luck!

Like the above poster said - this is a big decision, and yet - not such a big decision. Whatever way you choose - there is no "right" or "Wrong" answer.

Before kids, DH wanted 3 and I wanted 2. After DD, we looked at each other sand said "ONE is plenty!!" When DD was 7 months old and still exclusively breastfed, oops #2 happened. What a surprise! We immediately and decisively said 2 was plenty and DH got fixed shortly after #2 was born

Some days I think one would have been plenty for us. We didn't actively choose two (I discovered I'm not one of those super maternal women who leave me in awe). Yes, it is a lot of extra work. Yes, there is lots of arguing and sibling squabbles. There are also a lot of beautiful moments and it's wonderful that they have a built in friend.

One or two - life would have been beautiful - just different. It's wonderful when we are somewhere and they have each other to play with. It's wonderul watching them play together, care for each other, and grow up together. There would have been benefits to just having one as well. Again - no real "right" or "wrong" for us.

All the best

 

[Pembo]

Thank you for all of these honest and helpful replies I totally forgot I posted this & am glad that I checked my sub threads.

Still torn on what to do & so many factors to take into consideration-finances being a major one, as well as our age (I'm in my late 30's, DH is 40). We are by no means poor, but not loaded either. I'm worried about spreading ourselves too thin &, in turn, not being able to give both kids what they want in life (little things like family vacations, extra curricular activities, etc). On the other hand, I enjoyed my pregnancy, & adore raising my little one. I think my DD would be an amazing sister & I also think she would be fine as an only child. So far she is growing to be a very well adjusted and social little girl. Still mulling through this decision.

Please feel free to continue to share your experiences and input

How easily did you get pregnant the first time? Have you considered throwing caution to the wind and letting nature make your decision? The money just works somehow and we have 3. There were the lean years but we've been to WDW many times over the years. We just make it work. Good luck.

 

[krcit]

Thank you for all of these honest and helpful replies I totally forgot I posted this & am glad that I checked my sub threads.

Still torn on what to do & so many factors to take into consideration-finances being a major one, as well as our age (I'm in my late 30's, DH is 40). We are by no means poor, but not loaded either. I'm worried about spreading ourselves too thin &, in turn, not being able to give both kids what they want in life (little things like family vacations, extra curricular activities, etc). On the other hand, I enjoyed my pregnancy, & adore raising my little one. I think my DD would be an amazing sister & I also think she would be fine as an only child. So far she is growing to be a very well adjusted and social little girl. Still mulling through this decision.

Please feel free to continue to share your experiences and input

I have 3 kids. I always knew I wanted at least 3 and to be honest, I would have had another but DH was not on board and I did feel 'complete' after my son. Would we be able to 'do more' and 'have more' if we only had 1? Of course but when I see my 2 girls hanging out in one of their rooms or hear all 3 laughing together, I know our family is just what it was supposed to be. And if I'm being totally honest, I don't think kids should have and get everything they want. I see a lot of that around where I live(not just only children) and sometimes the results aren't that great Anyway, this is a decision that only you and your DH can make but I really doubt that you would ever look at a second child and say "I wish we didn't have him/her" Good luck!!!!

 

[aristocatz]

How easily did you get pregnant the first time? Have you considered throwing caution to the wind and letting nature make your decision? The money just works somehow and we have 3. There were the lean years but we've been to WDW many times over the years. We just make it work. Good luck.

I got pregnant very easily the first time. Got off birth control as soon as we got married & found out I was pregnant a few weeks after our honeymoon We were having no expectations with having children. We figured if it happened, that is great. If it didn't, it wasn't meant to be. I guess now that I've experienced one & my age clock is ticking, I feel like I should be a little more planned about it. But maybe I should just go with the flow-??

 

[Dizneefamily+4]

We couldn't decide on a third. We have two wonderful boys, and finally decided to only have the two. Our youngest just turned 11 on Friday, and he would have been such a wonderful big brother. We are almost 40, our kids are 11 and almost 13, and it just doesn't make sense to start over now. I regret not having a third, and I'm sure I always will. If your heart says go for it, then go for it.

We had our 1st (DS12) when I was 29. He was 6 weeks early, had some lung issues and was in the NICU for a week. He was a very, shall we say "challenging" baby. He had reflux which caused him to cry all the time and not sleep. Needless to say, it took us 4 years to be brave enough to have another child. In fact, I had to really talk DH into it. We were both afraid of having to go through that all again. We're both SO glad we did. Our dd8 is the light of our family. She was the easiest baby and has the sweetest disposition of any little girl I've ever seen.

While I was pregnant with dd, dh said he planned to get a vasectomy after she was born. He did. We regret it. We would've loved for just one more now. DD LOVES babies and would make such a great older sis. But alas, we're now both 42 (well I will be in Oct.) and we're way past the baby stage and the hassle of (and no guarantees) reversing a vasectomy. Our kiddos are too easy now. And Disney is harder/more expensive with 5 .

So 2 kids for us was a bit of a tough decision, but one we'll never, ever regret. Everyone has to make the choice that's right for them. Good luck in your decision!

 

[bettymae1121]

You'll never regret having another child. However you may or may not regret not having another child. Unless having another would cripple your finances, I'd lean towards having a 2nd.

DH and I are in very similar situations as yourself, with the exception that cost of raising a 2nd isn't a huge concern other than saving enough for college for 2 vs. 1. I'm just waiting to take a business trip in the fall (I have ZERO desire to travel on biz while pregnant!) and then we'll make a final choice. It took me 5 years to have LO so it may not happen even if we do try.

 

[Pembo]

I got pregnant very easily the first time. Got off birth control as soon as we got married & found out I was pregnant a few weeks after our honeymoon We were having no expectations with having children. We figured if it happened, that is great. If it didn't, it wasn't meant to be. I guess now that I've experienced one & my age clock is ticking, I feel like I should be a little more planned about it. But maybe I should just go with the flow-??

I got pregnant easily with #1 and #2 - but 6 years after #1, it took a little more trying to get #3. I say go with the flow.

 

[aprilgail2]

When he was 11 we realized that we really enjoy the freedom and flexibility the comes from an only child. And of course, ours was older than yours, we did not want to start over with all the baby stuff!

He's 15 now, we're even more confident in our decision than we were a few years ago. We're starting to think about car insurance and driving, not too stressed, college in a few years, not too stressed. If we'd had another I'd be freaking out over money right about now!

Plus we've been able to travel and give our son really cool experiences that we couldn't have afforded if we'd had another.


I agree- I have one and thought about having another but sat down and figured out finances and could afford to take one on vacations and pay for activities and college- two would have put a damper on it. No way can I put two through college and I believe that if you have kids you follow it through by paying schooling through college!
!

Wow, seriously? Well, if mhsjax thinks everyone SHOULD have more than one kid, you better do it! Heaven forbid someone only want one child. But that doesn't matter, because you SHOULD. That's quite a statement to make.

OP- don't listen to people saying "oh I was an only child and I always wanted a sibling." The grass is always greener. They are assuming their sibling would be their best friend. There's no guarantee your kids would be close. My brother and I are two very different people and not all that close. It has to be YOUR decision.

I spent my childhood wishing I was an only child- if you asked my daughter from the time she was 2 years old if she wanted a brother or sister she was very clear that she did not!

 

[cari12]

My DH & I are trying to decide whether to have a second child & it is panning out to be one of the hardest decisions I've ever had to make. I'm in my late 30's so time is ticking away & we are either going to TTC in the next few months or not at all.

We have a beautiful daughter, who is just perfect in every way. I would love to give her a sibling & go through the joys of raising a second baby. But, on the other hand, daycare is so expensive, I'm worried about that expense being doubled., as well as expenses in general. I'm also wondering-are we too old to raise two kids???

My practical side is saying stay with just one. She is a wonderful little girl & she will be fine as an only child. But my heart is saying try for a second...... but my wallet is saying don't be stupid......

My DH says he will be happy either way. I will as well, but I am afraid of regrets. I never thought I would ever have one child & I look at her now & I cannot imagine life without her! Everytime I look at that sweet face, I think "Thank goodness we decided to have a baby!"

Anyone been in this situation? What did you ultimately decide & why?

Thank you for any polite input you might have.

I have not read all of the other posts but I would side with having a second child. Just as we as parents get so much out of having a child, siblings gain so much from each other. I also have 2 close friends who are only children and they both purposely had 2 kids because they didn't want their child to be an only. They both had great childhoods, wonderful parents and great friends, but it's not the same as a sibling.

 

[mhsjax]

I spent my childhood wishing I was an only child- if you asked my daughter from the time she was 2 years old if she wanted a brother or sister she was very clear that she did not!

I am sure that there are plenty of people who wished that they were only kids, just as there are plenty of kid who wish that they weren't.

However, much like anything else with parenting and kids, since when is it up to the kid to make a decision on how many kids the parents have? That is between me and my husband and no child will have a say in if they wanted a brother or sister.

FWIW, My kids love having siblings. They are very close and have a great time together.

 

[aprilgail2]

However, much like anything else with parenting and kids, since when is it up to the kid to make a decision on how many kids the parents have? That is between me and my husband and no child will have a say in if they wanted a brother or sister.

.

I never said the decision was up to my daughter- I said she did not want a sibling but the final decision was mine since I could afford to send 2 through college!

 

[DMickey28]

We went thru this when deciding whether to have a 3rd child. We went back & forth for about a year. My DH said he'd be okay w/whatever I decided.

I felt if it was taking me so long to decide that maybe I shouldn't have another.

We didn't. To this day I regret that decision. I feel the financial aspect is what held me back. But honestly, it always will.

Just this past weekend when we were at a diner and noticed that the booths were much bigger than in the past my DH commented "see they make big booths, it could have fit 5 of us". So 18 years later and we still reference not having that 3rd child.

I don't dwell on it though because I also feel that everything happens for a reason.

Good luck in your decision. I know it's not an easy one.

This is where I am now too. We have two boys, 6.5 and 3.5, and I really want another baby but I am not sure I want to raise a 3rd child. My youngest will go to preschool two mornings a week so I think that will help me gauge if I am ready to get into babyhood again.

I am worried about money and stuff but honestly I figure that will always work itself out. I don't base my decisions on it .... it never seems like enough no matter how much you have or don't have!!

That said ... my decision for #2 came later than I thought. I always knew we would have 2 it was never really a question. The question was when. When DS #1 was a baby I couldn't imagine another one. Everyone was telling me that when he hits about 10 months I'd start feeling ready for #2. Well that didn't come until he was 18 months old at least and then it took another 10 or so months to get pregnant.