So this little twist in the conversation is getting me wondering how many people here are in relationships with someone who has differing political views and how they make it work. I guess I kind of assumed that if someone says that they don't believe in god, they are more than likely politically liberal and that aligns with my beliefs. This was likely flawed as I'm sure there are atheist conservatives out there, I just didn't encounter many of them. If someone had fairly quickly let me know that they were conservative, unless there was some other compelling reason to suss things out, I probably would've not gone out with them again.
In our case, (married 33 yrs) it's evolved quite a bit. When we first met, I leaned a lot more liberal than DH, but I was actually a registered Republican at the time (specifically because I refused to belong to the same party as Edwin Edwards.) Various life experiences have altered our perspectives on a lot of things, and these days we both belong to the same party and have extremely similar views on social issues; though DH remains a fair bit to my right on economic issues. In all that, what was truly important was that neither of us was blindly rigid in our viewpoints, and were both willing and able to respectfully and rationally discuss political issues even when we do not agree. I would have great difficulty living with someone who was unable or unwilling to do that, because I think politics are very important to our daily lives.
Smoking was also a deal-breaker for me; my Dad died of occupationally-induced lung cancer when I was in my early teens. He extracted a deathbed promise from me that I would never smoke, and I've honored that promise for 50 years. To me, the scent of tobacco smoke, besides being noisome, is inextricably linked with death, because my Dad died in a 4-man cancer ward, and the other 3 men (and their wives) continued to smoke even as it was killing them. The scent of marijuana (even varieties regarded as "good stuff") has always made me nauseous, so that's also a hard no, because it truly clings to people, and I have a very sensitive sense of smell.
Lastly, attitudes about money. I am what is sometimes known as a "tweener"; someone who grew up working-class and educated myself into a white-collar profession, thus making sure that I didn't fit properly in either one of those worlds. I found that men who came from money never understood my insecurities about it, but almost all blue-collar men that I met still failed the smoking test back then. (And they also tended to resent my education.) As it happens, DH is also a tweener, the first one I ever dated, and he instantly understood. (He is also the grandchild of immigrants, and I'm first generation; that factor also contributes to our compatibility.)
Travel issues were not exactly a deal-breaker, but were important. My passport lapsed for many years because I couldn't afford overseas travel, and it was a ridiculous thing to spend money on under those circumstances. The "test" at the time was just general attitude toward travel. If he was a generally frugal person who asked questions that made it clear he was curious about new experiences and would pursue it if the money were available, that was good. If someone said, "Oh, I *wish* I could travel, but [fill in the blank]" and then immediately changed the subject, then I knew I was dealing with someone who was probably travel-averse but didn't think it was cool to admit it. My sister was married to someone like that; he acted like travel was a great idea, but as soon as they got married started finding infinite reasons why it just wasn't EVER possible. They were married for 40 years before she finally told him she was just going to start traveling without him. (He pouted, but made no move to join her.)
