Daily joke thread......

[Born 2 Fish]

Two men contracted to paint a small community church. Being very frugal (cheap), they pinched and scraped to spend the absolute minimum on materials. Then, when they were only partway through the job, they determined that they did not, after all, have enough paint to complete the job. Not wishing to spend any more money if they didn't absolutely have to,they decided they would just dilute the water-based paint they were using so that it would last longer. They did this a couple more times before they finished, which caused striping on the church as the paint got lighter each time it was thinned. The painters had just about gotten to the top of the steeple, when, all of a sudden, the sky darkened, and the rain started to pour down. As the paint streamed down the sides of the church, a voice boomed from the heavens: "Repaint, you thinners! Repaint, and thin no more!"

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Two men are standing on a golf course. The first one steps up, tees his first ball, and positions himself for a swing. The man lifts his club, swings smoothly down and smacks the ball into the air. It sails off in a nice, long arc, but as it comes down the two men can see that it's heading straight for the water trap.

Just then, a wind picks up, and a lily pad is blown directly into the ball's path. The ball lands on the lily pad, and after a few seconds a frog hops up onto the pad, grabs the ball in its mouth, jumps off the pad and swims for shore.

When the frog reaches dry land, it spits out the ball, and no sooner has it disappeared into the water than a squirrel comes running up to the ball, grabs it in its paws, and scampers off across the grass. But before it can reach the trees, a hawk swoops down out of nowhere, grabs the squirrel in its talons, and begins to climb back up into the sky. Panicked and struggling to get free, the squirrel releases the ball from its paws, and with the altitude and speed gained from the hawk, the ball sails down in a long, clean fall straight into the hole. Hole in one.

The second man turns to the first, and says "OK, God. Are you going to play golf or are you going to screw around?"

 

[luckycharm19335]

A man and a woman, both drag racers come home from the race track.
The man says, 'Honey, your birthday is in a few days, what do you want'?
The woman says, 'I want to go 200 in 3 seconds'.
The man gave his wife a scale for her birthday.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A man and a woman, both drag racers come home from the race track.
The man says, 'Honey, your birthday is in a few days, what do you want'?
The woman says, 'I want to go 200 in 3 seconds'.
The man gave his wife a scale for her birthday.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk ?

The light went out, but where to ?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Why is it you have a "pair" of pants and only one bra?

How come when I call Information they can't tell me where my keys are?

Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

You know how most packages say "Open here".What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why do people without out a watch look at their wrist when you ask them what time it is?

Why do you ask someone without a watch what time it is?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Here's your Labor Day jokes,,

'It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own.'
___________________________

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.
___________________________

‘I’m never going to work for that man again.’
‘Why, what did he say?’

‘You’re fired.’

___________________________

If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

___________________________

Did you hear the joke about Labor Day?
It works for me!

___________________________

One seventh of your life is spent on Monday. However, the only person to get his work done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.



okay, I'm sorry, they are the best I could come up with.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Snow White, Cinderella, and Lilo were sitting at a table and Snow White says, "I think my prince is the greatest because he's so charming!"

Cinderella said, "Well, I think my prince is the greatest because he's so handsome!"

Then Lilo stands up and says, "Shut up and order the pizza, you crazy celebutantes! I'm hungry!"

_____________________________________

What do you call a fairie that refuses to take a bath?
Stinker Bell.

_____________________________________

Donald wanted to learn how to skydive, so he got an instructor and started his lessons. The instructor told him to jump out of the plane and pull his ripcord.

The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. Donald understood and was ready.

When the time came for Donald to jump from the airplane, the instructor reminded the duck that he would be right behind him.

Donald proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds, pulled the ripcord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his ripcord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past Donald.

Donald, seeing this, yelled as he undid the straps to his parachute, "So you wanna race, huh?"

____________________________________

How does Luke Skywalker get through the forest?
Ewoks!

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A fifty-ish woman was at home happily jumping on
her bed and squealing with delight.
Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do
you have any idea how ridiculous you look?,

What's the matter with you?"

The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says,
"I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".
The husband said, "What did he say about your 60
year old a$$ ?"

"Your name never came up," she replied.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

What does a redhead, a anniversary, and a toilet have in common ?

Men always miss them.

--------------------------------

How do you know when a redhead has forgiven you ?

She stops washing your clothes in the toilet bowl.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window, stating the following: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined.

Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was surprised, to say the least. However, the dog looked determined, so he lead him into the office. Inside, the dog jumped up on the chair and stared at the manager.

The manager said, "I can't hire you. The sign says you have to be able to type." The dog jumped down, went to the typewriter and proceeded to type out a perfect letter. He took out the page and trotted over to the manager and gave it to him, then jumped back on the chair. The manager was stunned, but then told the dog, "The sign says you have to be good with a computer."

The dog jumped down again and went to the computer. The dog proceeded to demonstrate his expertise with various programs and produced a sample spreadsheet and database and presented them to the manager. By this time the manager was totally dumb-founded! He looked at the dog and said, "I realize that you are a very intelligent dog and have some interesting abilities. However, I *still* can't give you the job."

The dog jumped down and went to a copy of the sign and put his paw on the sentences that told about being an Equal Opportunity Employer. The manager said, "Yes, but the sign *also* says that you have to be bilingual."

The dog looked at him straight in the face and said, "Meow."

 

[bigredbill]

Well, not a joke, but a good (and true) story...

I was driving with my son Caleb to his soccer game when he was six years old. Caleb tells me, "Dad, I don't want to be a police man when I grow up anymore. I want to work at your job."

I said that was nice, but he had a long time before he needed to make that decision. He then says, "Aunt Shell got a new job, and Grandpa and Grandma don't want to hear about it."

Now, a little background. Aunt Shell is my ex-wife's sister. I have custody of my children from my first marriage. Aunt Shell wasn't always known for making the best decisions, so I was perplexed at what kind of job his aunt at taken.

I asked him to repeat what he said to make sure I heard it right. Just like before, "Aunt Shell got a new job, and Grandpa and Grandma don't want to hear about it."

After a few moments of silence, I finally broke down and had to ask, "Caleb, what kind of job does Aunt Shell have now."

He simply responded, "b**b job".

 

[2goofycampers]

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Reasons for a girl to choose a dog... and not a man.

Dogs can be taught the meaning of the word "NO!"

Dogs don't break wind in public and blame it on the man.

A dog is far less irritation to have in the back seat of a car...
...and will be less likely to show its rear end to the people in the vehicle behind for a laugh.

When dogs beg, it's cute. When men beg it's pathetic.

Dogs are not so careless about leaving puddles on the bathroom floor.

Your dog will never refer to you as 'a bi'otch'

A dog can look as though it understands what you're saying.

Dogs enjoy swimming, and not for the chance to ogle girls in bikinis.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

One night in a local pub, a man stumbled up to the only other patron in a bar and asked if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," came the reply.
The first man then asked, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replied the second man. The first man responded, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replied the second man. Curious, the first man then asked, "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," came the reply.
"I can't believe it, " said the first man. "I'm from Dublin too!" He continued, "Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replied the second man.
Curiosity again struck and the first man asked, "what school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replied the second man. "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!" the first man said. "I went to Saint Mary's and graduated in '62, too!"
About that time, one of the regulars came into the bar and sat down. "What's been going on?" he asked the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

_____________________________________

FAMOUS DRINKING QUOTES

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. --Homer Simpson


You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. --Dean Martin

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. --Henny Youngman

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. --Ernest Hemmingway

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Spanish singer Julio Iglesias was on television with British TV host Anne Diamond when he used the word 'manyana'. Diamond asked him to explain what it meant. He said that the term means "maybe the job will be done to-morrow, maybe the next day, maybe the day after that. Perhaps next week, next month, next year. Who cares?" The host turned to Irishman Shay Brennan who was also on the show and asked him if there was an equivalent term in Irish. "No. In Ireland we don't have a word to describe that degree of urgency.", replied Brennan.
_________________________________

A man was on a walking holiday in Ireland. He became thirsty so decided to ask at a home for something to drink. The lady of the house invited him in and served him a bowl of soup by the fire. There was a wee pig running around the kitchen, running up to the visitor and giving him a great deal of attention. The visitor commented that he had never seen a pig this friendly. The housewife replied: "Ah, he's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

heard this on the radio this morning,,


"What do you call a 40 hour work week in communist China ?
Monday and Tuesday."

 

[Born 2 Fish]

How do monsters tell their future?
They read their horrorscope...

Why was the skeleton afraid to cross the road?
It had no guts...

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately...

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?
Because they don't have any body to go out with...

What does a ghost get when he falls and scrapes his knee?
A boo boo...

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?
Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy...

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?
A cereal killer...

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
Dead ends...

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?
Bloodhounds...

Why did the dyslexic vampire starve to death?
He couldn't find any dloob...

Did you hear about the cannibal boy that was 8 before he was 7?

Did you hear about the cannibal that passed his mother-in-law in the jungle?

What do you get when you goose a ghost?
A handful of sheet.

 

[bigredbill]

A couple is lying in bed.

The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'

The woman replies, 'I'll miss you.'

*******************************************

 

[Born 2 Fish]

Murphy’s Laws of Camping:

The need to urinate at night increases in direct relation to the hour past midnight, layers of clothing worn, occupants in your tent, and inches of rain since sunset. Curiously, it increases in ‘inverse’ relation to the outside temperature.

Average local temperature increases with the amount of clothing packed.

Feet expand when removed from hiking boots. The same law applies to tents and tent bags, clothing and backpacks, and sleeping bags and stuff sacks.

The one new tent on the trip that leaks will be yours

Rain happens.

Waterproof clothing isn’t. (However, it is 100% effective at containing sweat).

Waterproof matches aren’t.

Anything bug-proof isn’t.

The sun sets 47% faster than normal when setting up camp. It sets another 28% faster if rain is eminent.

Of a 25% chance of rain, 100% will fall in your campsite.

 

[Born 2 Fish]

When Fishermen Meet,,
"Hiyamac""Lobuddy""Binearlong?""Coplours""Cetchenny?""Goddafew""Kindarthay?""Bassencarp""Ennysizetoom?""Couplapowns""Hittinhard?""Sordalike""Wachoosen?""Gobbawurms""Fishanonaboddum?""Rydononaboddum""Whatchadrinkin?""Jugajimbeam""Igoddago""Tubad""Seeyaroun""Yeahtakideezy""Guluck"