Hi there, I have never commented on these boards, but was moved to log in and do so here because I have two kids with severe food allergies and we recently made our first trip to WDW with my in-laws, so I felt I could relate a bit. In no particular order, here is my advice/opinion (and for context, I have one kid ana dairy, tree nuts, egg and the other is FPIES soy; the first is contact-allergic to dairy (hives) but ana ingestion and as a kid is constantly putting hands in mouth etc so contact also a worry from that standpoint).
1. Everyone family unit should have their own hotel unit. What your DD needs to be able to relax on her vacation is totally contrary to what will allow the other family units to relax on their vacation. I would make almost any compromise on where you stay to achieve this. I can relate to her need to have “home” be clean, but if anyone else has to share that space it will drive her and them crazy trying to do so. She will be cleaning behind people constantly, which would drive her and then crazy. I couldn’t tell from the thread if her family would have the 2BR to themselves or be sharing with her brother’s family.
2. The kitchen is a fantastic idea. Stick with that for her family.
3. You don’t have to return to the unit for every meal. First of all not everyone should have to stick together all day — each family has its own rhythms. Secondly if her family wants they can pack a lunch and if she’s worried about surfaces her 5yo can eat on a lap or in their stroller. These are just ideas, though. I would let her decide what works best for her family but just keep all plans so that the other two family units on the trip don’t have to do it that way if they don’t want to. For example if she wants her family to eat every meal at the resort, do not schedule things so her brother’s family has to also. Let everyone flow how it makes them happiest.
3. I can not recommend highly enough the Facebook group Disney Chefs Rock Food Allergies. It is full of families with food allergies planning their WDW vacations. Many try the restaurants there but many also feel more comfortable making all their own food. Suggest your DD join — she will find a lot of commiseration and probably people with the same combo of allergies. There are also many home-schooling families on there.
4. The woman who administers that group, which is free, also has a consulting biz for families with food allergies traveling to WDW. Her daughter’s list of allergies is off the charts and they have done WDW a lot. YMMV but I found a consult with her before I went really put my mind at ease, esp as her daughter has dairy and we do too and that is a special kind of animal to avoid. But even DD doesn’t have the budget for that, much of this woman’s advice can be gleaned just from looking in the archives of the free FB group (for instance by searching “dairy” or “contact” or “villa” for things that might be relevant for your trip.
5. I think the VIP tour sounds amazing and I personally would love the chance. However, I would not spring this on your DD last minute as it may stress her out to be out of control if the agenda for an entire day and to worry about how to feed her kids safely during that experience esp as the other family units will be doing it also. I would suggest planting that concept with her in private way ahead of time so you and she can mull how her family can do it enjoyably. I would not say surprise her with it in front of the little kids or her brother’s family, as she might feel forced into something (albeit a wonderful something) that feels uncomfortable for her. Just making this type of vacation for the first time is a huge leap.
6. Have compassion for her but don’t feel you have to glue your plans to hers. When you’re watching the kids, definitely do it as she wants. But if she has a need you can’t relate to, don’t try to persuade her differently. If it’s not something you want to do, peel off — make it easy for all family units to graciously do their own thing whenever they feel so moved. It will avoid resentment. For FA families, many things are medically necessary and then some things are just coping necessary (like to avoid extreme stress or anxiety or watchfulness). So even if something doesn’t seem medically necessary (and much if not all of it is I’m sure), accept your DD needs to do it her way for her own enjoyment and mental health. The key is just to not tie the rest of the family’s plans to hers. Join her her way when it works, your separately when it doesn’t.
FWIW I was very nervous about the restaurant part and the extended family part, but we had a fantastic vacation. Preparation was 99% of it, and it sounds like you are really good at that! Best of luck, I’m sure you’ll have a great time.
Oh and we stayed BLT one bedroom with our in-laws down the hall (they would have stayed contemporary but we were too last-minute). I’ve never stayed at your three choices but have read a lot about them and would choose BWV for proximity to two parks. However if you end up deciding against the VIP tour we loved loved loved BLT for proximity to MK and MK-Area restaurants. It is not as themed but as my in-laws and DH are not as Disneyfied as I am it was a good fit for us. We also appreciated how updated the villas were, and of course the monorail is super fun. We are also a family that takes breaks to swim/nap every afternoon.
Good luck! You have lots of time to plan so I’m sure you’ll come up with something great.
