Broke the news to my mother!

[TinkBride]

Here's another checklist

Mum does not care what will make me happy
Mum thinks i should give up my dreams for her wishes
Mum wants me to have a wedding i will detest
Mum knows how important this is to me, but expects her feelings to overrule

 

[happymealuk]

I have been lurking on the boards for a while now reading lots of good information and smiling at peoples happy posts and photos etc... and can not believe the responses this poor girl has received from people who class themselves as mothers!!

I am so thankful that I have the sort of mother who would love me NO MATTER WHAT and would NEVER put me in the selfish category for making a choice! Yes she might be angry, yes she might be upset and heart broken - but she would NEVER call me selfish for following my heart. I am now sitting here now realising what a wonderful mother I have! My heart truly breaks when I hear mothers saying that their children are being selfish for living out their dreams - how can someone who calls themselves a mother say such hurtful things!!!! A word of warning to such mothers - I hope the day never comes when your child resents you for getting in the way of their dreams and I also hope that your daughters never look back at their photos or wedding video thinking 'I hated my wedding day, my mum was there and was happy - but I wasnt' - I could never live with myself knowing I was the reason why my daughter didnt have the wedding she had always dreamed of.

If you would like some honest advice Summer-Caitlin, do not return to read this thread EVER again!! Yes you will receive some understanding words, but you will also receive lots of rude and ignorant comments from people who know nothing about you or your situation - you have got enough on your plate to deal with as it is.

Personally, my mother, father and fiance all share that number one spot in my heart - so I could not get married without those 3 being there.

You MUST do what you feel is right in your heart, everyone makes a decision for a reason and if you dont follow it - then it will just lead to more anger and resentment in the future. If you can somehow find a way to include your mother - then I'm sure that would be so wonderful for you and her, if you can't - then you just have to hang in there and stick by your decision.

But as I mentioned before, stay away from this thread because I feel like some of the comments will be chipping away at your heart and you dont need that, especially from people who dont even know you! Talk to your mother and your fiance, they are the people that matter

And gosh, this must be the worlds longest first post on a message board LOL !!

 

[disneyjunkie]

If you don't care where it takes place why are you insulting everyone on this board by saying all destination weddings are selfish?

I said not including your mother in your wedding is selfish.

The OP and her DF doen't want their mothers to attend the wedding.

I don't care where my son decides to hold his wedding. I don't care what type of wedding he wants to have or how much it will cost. I JUST WANT TO BE THERE WHEN HE SAYS I DO.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

Parents make decisions for their families that they feel are right. Children are rarely consulted and sometimes don't understand why a parent chooses one path over another. Are you now punishing your mum for her past decisions or is this yet another excuse to exclude her?

Let's sum it up for those who are keeping score:
Mum doesn't have enough money to attend.

Mum will get in the way of my romantic honeymoon.

Mum wants me to have a big church wedding.

Mum dragged me to Austrailia and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

I think you're missing the whole point here. I do not blame my mum, nor hold grudges for anything in the past, unlike some others who would appear to hold a grudge against there son or daughter if they were to have a Wedding the way they wanted.

Am I not entitled to have my own wedding, my way?
Am I not entitled to spend my money the way I choose?
Am I not entitled to have the honeymoon, alone, with my husband?

If not, again, I have missed the point about my own wedding!

This is not revenge but as I stated before, parents choose their own path, rarely consulting children, there surely comes a time when children take their own path in life too, without having to consult their parents?

 

[disneyjunkie]

I think you're missing the whole point here. I do not blame my mum, nor hold grudges for anything in the past, unlike some others who would appear to hold a grudge against there son or daughter if they were to have a Wedding the way they wanted.

Am I not entitled to have my own wedding, my way?
Am I not entitled to spend my money the way I choose?
Am I not entitled to have the honeymoon, alone, with my husband?

If not, again, I have missed the point about my own wedding!

This is not revenge but as I stated before, parents choose their own path, rarely consulting children, there surely comes a time when children take their own path in life too, without having to consult their parents?

How would you feel if your mother could come up with money for airfare and a room (value maybe) for two nights? She would just be there for the ceremony then fly back home.

This way your mother gets to take part in the wedding and you get to spend the remaining three weeks with your new husband.

 

[terri01p]

Wow, as a mom, I would have been sadden and hurt by this, you only get married for the first time once and if my dd would have done this I would have took along time to get over it. Yes the wedding is for the bride and groom but my goodness, your mom would love to share in the joy too...I think this is total selfish, your special day should be shared by a mom that has took care of you for GOD only knows how many years. I feel sorry for her !

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

To be honest that would be ok

But it's an awfully long way and a big expense for only 2 nights, I would feel guilty asking her to pay, so I would feel obligated, plus I would like to pay for her, and then I would have to pay for his mother also, otherwise it's unfair.

There is no way I could come up with another two thousand or so to make that happen.

 

[gradtchr]

I had my husband ask his mom if she felt that we were selfish for having a destination wedding that she could not attend. The answer was no because the only way we could have it would be if we had it where they currently live now and she said we would be NUTS to have done that instead of what we did. If we had done it where they live not all of my family probably would have been able to come. She said we made their dreams come true by getting married and having a loving relationship and coming to visit them. We had the pictures and the video that they got to see after the fact. Oh and DH called his mom minutes after the ceremony ended to talk to her. They both said that was a super special time and it meant the world to each.

Were we sad they couldn't be there yes we are but they were physically not able to make any trip and we had our dream that we got to fulfill.

For those who think those that have destination weddings are selfish well the trend is going that you will be seeing more of those as time goes by. As more couples are moving away from home and meeting their spouses there is more often than not less desire to get married in a hometown because it could alienate another group and so destination weddings are coming about as popular so that everybody who is invited gets to travel, and usually end up on a cool vacation.

 

[disneyjunkie]

To be honest that would be ok

But it's an awfully long way and a big expense for only 2 nights, I would feel guilty asking her to pay, so I would feel obligated, plus I would like to pay for her, and then I would have to pay for his mother also, otherwise it's unfair.

There is no way I could come up with another two thousand or so to make that happen.

Could they work retail during the Christmas season to earn extra money?

What about working with a temp agency for a few months?

The wedding is a year away. That's plenty of time for each of them to come up with $1000.00.

 

[robinb]

How would you feel if your mother could come up with money for airfare and a room (value maybe) for two nights? She would just be there for the ceremony then fly back home.

This way your mother gets to take part in the wedding and you get to spend the remaining three weeks with your new husband.

That is a good compromise.

She could ditch her $1700 3-day cruise that the OP was talking about earlier today to help pay for their mums to be there.

 

[TinkBride]

My opinion is that "Destination Weddings" are by inherently selfish. .

I am sorry I guess I was confused by this statement. If you don't think destination weddings are selfish than can you explain this?

 

[Eeyore3838]

I am so appalled by what I am reading on this thread!!! I could understand that if your mother was paying for your wedding that you might feel obligated to keep her happy and make decisions with her thoughts in mind. But you are paying for it yourself. Do what makes you and your DF happy. Your honeymoon should have nothing to do with your parents. And, you shouldn't have to give up any part of your honeymoon just to bring your mother over for the ceremony. I can understand that she would like to be there with you, but if it is just not feasable, it is just not feasable. Once you return home, you will have a very long time to still spend with your mother while you and your DF are a married couple. Keep your head up, and have the wedding YOU and your DF want to have. After all, it is only you two that would be getting married.

 

[mickeyfan2]

The OP asked if it's selfish to not want her mother to attend her wedding. My answer is YES.

I don't care where the wedding takes place, how can you exclude parents that you are close to. I have friends that have awful relationships with their parents. None of them even considered not having their parents attend the weddings.

As a mother, I'd be very hurt if my son decided he didn't want me to share in his special day.

Not wanting your parents to be present at your wedding has to be the ultimate BRIDEZILLA attitude.

ITA


OP the more you post the more selfish you come across.

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

ITA


OP the more you post the more selfish you come across.

Well I guess that says it all, you don't know me at all!

I thought these boards were supposed to be supportive, instead of getting good advice you have said hurtful things to me. I am a good daughter and I normally do everything I can to keep everyone happy. I am sorry that you feel that I am totally selfish. I am grateful to those that have shown me support on here, but if this is the attitude of some posters on here, you should be ashamed of yourself. I hope I never treat anyone like this and disregard how they may be feeling, regardless of if you agree with the poster or not

 

[fireplug]

Well I guess that says it all, you don't know me at all!

I thought these boards were supposed to be supportive, instead of getting good advice you have said hurtful things to me. I am a good daughter and I normally do everything I can to keep everyone happy. I am sorry that you feel that I am totally selfish. I am grateful to those that have shown me support on here, but if this is the attitude of some posters on here, you should be ashamed of yourself. I hope I never treat anyone like this and disregard how they may be feeling, regardless of if you agree with the poster or not

Summer, just the fact that some did not agree with you does not mean we dont support you. You yourself asked if you were being selfish, and then asked what people here thought. Some agreed with you and some dont those are the chances you took by posting here.

Am I being really selfish telling my mum not to come?
I feel terrible now cause I know everyone will say how selfish I'm being, that I don't even want my own mother there, what do you guys think? I didn't actually expect her to say she wanted to come. It's not that I don't want her there but we want our wedding our way.

I mean I'm having a lavish reception when I get home and I'm wearing my dress, I'm gonna have loads of photos and DVD footage, I don't know what to do.

Sorry for the rant!

Many people that I know would not even consider doing what you are planning. I wish you luck and hope all the best for you. I really do. The fact that I dont agree with you doesnt diminish that one bit.

Steve

 

[JJClemson]

Summer... you can never please everyone. Just to let you know, there are some of us who are here for you

I am from NJ, DF is from OH, but we have been living in SC for a few years b/c we went to college here, and now we are both in graduate school. Last year, DF's parents moved down here. When we got engaged, DF and I agreed that we would get married in NJ, b/c it is tradition to get married in the bride's hometown, my parents are paying for the entire wedding, and most importantly b/c we wanted to. Well, DF's mom flipped out and called me selfish and said we should get married in SC, b/c this is our home now. Mind you we are still in school and did not (at that point) decide where to "settle" yet. DF's mom upset me so much and put so much pressure on me that I decided I could not handle the stress of a big, traditional wedding. My parents saw how upset I was and encouraged me to elope. They did not care that they would not be with me on my wedding day, they just wanted me to be happy.

After many discussions w/ DF and my parents, we decided to have a small wedding in Disney b/c I personally would regret it if my family was not there. DF's mom does not approve of Disney, but I do not care, I am not letting her ruin this wedding plan.

My point is that you cannot please everyone, ever. This is your and DF's day, and you must do what makes you two happy. I think in the end, your mother will understand. As would most mothers if they were in this situation. Please try to ignore the negativity that is coming your way. Do what you feel is right. Best of luck to you

 

[Summer-Caitlin]

I appreciate all opinions on this thread, whether they agree with me or not. All I have been doing is defending my corner.

It is not a simple solution. I would love my mum to be there, but it's just not feasible. I feel it's asking too much of her to fly out for a few days to be at my wedding. After our wedding is the start of our honeymoon, and I don't believe for one second that the majority of newlywed couples would want to spend that time with their parents. For that I do not think I am being selfish in the slightest. I love my mum and hate the thought of disappointing her, but I would feel even worse by making her go all the way over to Orlando and expect her to go to WDW herself.

After some thread posts I almost backed down, but then I realised, it's not just about me, it's also about my fiance, and he has stated that he believes that those days following the ceremony should be spent together, i.e just the two of us, otherwise it might feel like a family holiday, rather than our honeymoon. I personally don't see that as selfish, and there are many others on this board that agree,that this is our time.

I truly hope that I can figure out the answer to my dilemma, but until then I hope my mum will understand and forgive us. Unfortunately I have to put my fiance and I first in this case, and I hope you all can support my decision.

 

[bopper]

I think it would help if your mom knows you want here there...you just aren't going to do anything to make it happen. Big difference in "I can't afford to go" and "My child doesn't want me there". Tell her she is welcome...but do not volunteer to pay if you cannot afford it. If she says "it is so expensive"...you just say, "it sure is". I would tell her that it is your honeymoon too, so if she comes you will not be spending time with her afterward. Let her make the decision not to go...don't make it for her.

 

[dandee00]

Summer-Caitlin

Listen to your heart. This is your and your fiances day, and it should be truly special. In the years to come, you will want to look back at your wedding day and remember it as a happy time and as a special time. Only you know what you will be truly comfortable with.
Don't be bullied by anyone, or guilted into something you don't want. This day is for you and your fiance.
Stay strong and be firm in your decision.
I hope as the day gets nearer your families and your friends will be truly happy for you.
Do what is right for you and your man.

 

[Principessa1284]

Do what you want to do and don't let anyone change your mind or make you feel guilty!!! now, lime green tafeda bridesmaid dresses would be a crime, but this, however, is not. After working at a bridal shop for over 2 years, the less people you have involved, the less complicated things are. And the less complicated things are, the less that is likely to go wrong. Sure, you can't expect EVERYTHING to be perfect, because well, stuff happens.. luggage gets lost and rain falls. If you let someone talk you into something that your heart truly does not want, then you will end up regretting it.