Awkward and idk

[Disneyhenry]

I work with one of my good friends husband, I have known him longer then her. He was a player before the 2 of them got married, she knows this.
I know that he had an affair about 2 years ago. He is in his mid 60s and she was 30!

Last week my family went out to dinner and I saw him, with another woman, his hands were all over her, he was even grabbing her ***. We were there a good 20 minutes before he noticed us, it was so disgusting! He came over and said hi he was so nervous.
Idk what to do? Ignore this? Forget I saw it? Tell her?
honestly I want to forget I know this stuff but I feel guilty because

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[sonnyjane]

I work with one of my good friends husband, I have known him longer then her. He was a player before the 2 of them got married, she knows this.
I know that he had an affair about 2 years ago. He is in his mid 60s and she was 30!

Last week my family went out to dinner and I saw him, with another woman, his hands were all over her, he was even grabbing her ***. We were there a good 20 minutes before he noticed us, it was so disgusting! He came over and said hi he was so nervous.
Idk what to do? Ignore this? Forget I saw it? Tell her?
honestly I want to forget I know this stuff but I feel guilty because

Consider the can of worms open. If it is was me, I would say something, but don’t be surprised if 1) she already knows about his behavior given past indiscretions 2) doesn’t care or 3) doesn’t believe you and halts your relationship. I’ve been through this before.

 

[disykat]

Depends on how well you know her. If it were a friend so close that she had talked to me about his infidelity, I think I'd feel obligated to tell her. Maybe something like "did x tell you we saw him at x restaurant" and then refer her questions back to him. That way, she can decide if she wants to know?

 

[Welsh_Dragon]

There is a giant leap between knowing your partner is having an affair and having an inkling that something is going on. Many partners choose not to know or to know in their own time. They turn a blind eye until they are ready.
This chap is being very indiscreet and cruel to his partner. I would mention to your friend that you saw him, without more, and leave it to her to decide whether to ask you or him further questions. If she asks try to give calm, objective answers and remember there is a reason for the expression ‘don’t shoot the messenger’. .

 

[L&Lfan]

I’d stay the hell out of it, but that’s just me.

 

[Christine]

If she is a good friend, I'd tell her. But be prepared to lose the friendship. Women often get real stupid over this stuff, go into denial, and find some weird rationalizations to "blame the messenger" (you're jealous of her, you want her husband, and so on). But (and I just found out I'm and "INTJ" so take this with a grain of salt because honesty is apparently everything to me), if she was a good friend to me, I could not have a friendship without being honest.

 

[morgan98]

If the wife is truly a "good" friend, and not just an acquaintance or a much more casual type of friendship, I think I would have to tell her.

 

[NYCgrrl]

Ignore it as it's soooooooo not your business no matter who you were a friend of first.

 

[indimom]

I'd have to tell her, I couldn't just "let it go" when he's doing that to my friend. Guess I'd be making it my business... because if I didn't I wouldn't sleep at night. And she can do with the information what she likes.

 

[Hikergirl]

It would depend on my friendship with her, if we were close I'd say something. If not, I wouldn't say a word.

 

[CynBeth]

I'd have to tell her, I couldn't just "let it go" when he's doing that to my friend. Guess I'd be making it my business... because if I didn't I wouldn't sleep at night. And she can do with the information what she likes.

I agree.

 

[Miffy]

Forget about whether this could ruin your friendship with the wife. That's up to her. Strictly from your POV, you should tell her, because why is it up to you to keep a secret about her husband? It's gonna make you feel weird every time you see her. You have no way of knowing if she knows or suspects or condones this or anything. Just tell her. You'll feel better, and you're the person you have to live with every day.

 

[ronandannette]

Tough one - the default is to say nothing. Me though, I think I'd take it up with him. He obviously knows you know and is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Ask him if he wants you to tell her or if he wants to tell her himself. I agree with @Christine above about honestly in relationships but you're not the one that's the lying, cheating, louse. The obligation to tell everybody everything you know at all times is slightly different than outright lying.

Full-disclosure: I've been in a similar workplace situation with our boss. Luckily for me, I was far from the only person on the "you tell her or we will" bandwagon so it wasn't me that directly confronted him. Not that it matters, but in our case he ended up burning down his marriage and family, as well as the marriage and family of the subordinate he was *blanking*. They married and are now in the throes of a hideously acrimonious divorce (6 years later).

ETA: The flip-side of the coin from ratting him out is he knows you know and won't tell. You then get drawn into complicity with his lies. If you have Netflix, watch a British series called Dr. Foster. I just finished it and it was emotionally-wrenching. Fiction and over-the-top drama, yes, but it still gives a very sobering perspective on friends not telling friends when a spouse is cheating.

 

[DisTXMom]

The thing is, she probably already knows. However, if you bring it up, she has to face it directly and she likely won’t like that. People are complicated.

 

[VandVsmama]

Tell your friend.

 

[JaxDad]

You know your friend. You know your relationship. Think carefully about the roles being reversed. Would you want her to tell you?

 

[Searc]

Tell her. She deserves to know.

 

[GoingSince1990]

Is this one of those couples where he is rich and successful and she turns a blind eye to his extracurricular activities in exchange for financial security and a pleasant lifestyle? If so, your friend may not be happy about you bringing things to a head. On the other hand, if she’s genuinely oblivious to the fact that her husband is an adulterous dirtbag, she may be grateful to you for bringing this fact to her attention. It’s complicated.

 

[fly girl]

My first thought was stay out. None of your business.

Then I thought . . . who out of my friends would I tell? I came to this conclusion.

If I had a close enough relationship that we had shared details and issues about our lives, including marriage, I would tell. If it was more of a surface friendship, always shared niceties but never deep "real" discussions, I wouldn't touch it with a 10 foot pole.

 

[OrangeBirdGirl]

I'd go up to husband at work tomorrow and say "wow I didn't know you and (wife) were separated". I'm sorry to hear that. See what his response is.

A person in a happy marriage just doesn't decide to go out and cheat on their spouse. There are issues in their marriage that obviously your good friend has not told you about. So I'm not sure I'd say something to her.