Are you a stay-at-home wife?

[Colleen27]

Your point is an excellent one. I found that once I was married, creating a home in the manner you describe, became my highest priority. Nothing gave me more fulfilment than that. Work was work, but home is what I lived for. Still do--20 years later.

And of course, what the job is makes a big difference too. I've always wanted to do one specific thing in life, since I was a very young child. And perhaps if that's what I'd been doing for a living when I got married and started a family, I'd have made different choices about my career. But when I went to college I didn't study the thing I wanted to do (journalism); I studied something that would make me good money with tons of job opportunities (IT). And creating the kind of home life I wanted mattered more to me than that job. It might not have mattered more than all possible jobs I might have pursued, I can't say. All I can say for sure is that at the time, nothing about my job was rewarding or fulfilling enough to be worth the 50 hours a week it was taking from my life.

Yeah, that gave me pause.

When we bought our house, our firstborn was just 10 months old. I didn't have a dime to contribute to a home purchase, either, but my name is still on the deed.

Whether I have a salary or not, we're still in a lifelong partnership together. And my husband feels that I have contributed much more of value over the years than just childcare (which is why I'm still doing my part from home, even though the kids are now grown).

I think the waters get muddier when it is a later-in-life or second marriage and one or both spouses come to the marriage with significant assets, and even more murky if there are children from previous marriages in the mix.

My name actually isn't on the deed to our house, but in my state that's nothing more than a formality. Because the house was purchased during our marriage, with earned funds (as opposed to a windfall inheritance, which can legally be kept separate from marital assets), joint ownership is a given. We *should* add my name at some point and have always planned to do so, just to make it easier down the road should I outlive DH, but there's no difference in terms of my ownership stake and we've been a bit lazy about going up to the court to do the paperwork.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Uh, she's his wife. Her name should be on the deed.

Not if it's a premarital asset. In our province if you brought it into the marriage with it and you divorce it cannot be split 50/50.
That of course would differ everywhere and why people get prenups.

I owned my home prior to my marriage plus I had RRSPs/investments. My spouse has no claim on that if we divorce. He could only get 50/50 of the equity put into the house since the year of our marriage.

 

[quandrea]

And of course, what the job is makes a big difference too. I've always wanted to do one specific thing in life, since I was a very young child. And perhaps if that's what I'd been doing for a living when I got married and started a family, I'd have made different choices about my career. But when I went to college I didn't study the thing I wanted to do (journalism); I studied something that would make me good money with tons of job opportunities (IT). And creating the kind of home life I wanted mattered more to me than that job. It might not have mattered more than all possible jobs I might have pursued, I can't say. All I can say for sure is that at the time, nothing about my job was rewarding or fulfilling enough to be worth the 50 hours a week it was taking from my life.

I don't necessarily think it's the job. Maybe for some people but not me. I had a career--special education department head at an elementary school. Nothing could compare to the call of home though. I've always thought that anyone can be replaced on the job. Not true where home life is concerned. I do homeschool my three kids now, so I'm using the teaching degree. I think that getting the degree in teaching and advancing in my field prior to having children was part of a greater plan. It was leading me to homeschooling. I feel called to that pursuit and it's very fulfilling.

 

[Magpie]

I don't necessarily think it's the job. Maybe for some people but not me. I had a career--special education department head at an elementary school. Nothing could compare to the call of home though. I've always thought that anyone can be replaced on the job. Not true where home life is concerned. I do homeschool my three kids now, so I'm using the teaching degree. I think that getting the degree in teaching and advancing in my field prior to having children was part of a greater plan. It was leading me to homeschooling. I feel called to that pursuit and it's very fulfilling.

Pretty much what happened here, minus the teaching degree. (My degree is in Classics, instead.)

And, when I was done with the homeschooling, I discovered there were tons of other kids who also need to be taught. Tutoring after school isn't quite as fun as as homeschooling (no field trips, for one), but it's also deeply satisfying to me.

 

[quandrea]

Pretty much what happened here, minus the teaching degree. (My degree is in Classics, instead.)

And, when I was done with the homeschooling, I discovered there were tons of other kids who also need to be taught. Tutoring after school isn't quite as fun as as homeschooling (no field trips, for one), but it's also deeply satisfying to me.

I quite enjoy tutoring. Will probably do more of it as the children age out of homeschooling. I much prefer it to the classroom. I like being my own boss and no school politics. I've had students quite regularly since my oldest was one year. She is thirteen now. None right now though because my kids' swim schedules are so demanding. It's not worth trying to schedule a few students here and there.

 

[DisneyFlora]

Long time lurker... created an account to post here because this is something I think about a lot. My parents and I always assumed I would have a career, while my DH always assumed he would marry someone who would be a SAHW. I've chosen the career, and it's a hard choice, and it's really interesting reading all the SAHW and SAHM posts... makes me slightly wistful for a different kind of life with my DH- but only slightly.

Because for me, going to work makes me a better person. I like the independent praise I get from my coworkers, and I like that I have achievements that are not to do with anything my DH does. I learn new skills, and challenge myself.

HOWEVER, I can totally and completely see how someone being a SAHW and doing all the charity, volunteering, household management that people have mentioned, would help them be a better person. I can see how you would learn new skills (like languages and hobbies) and how taking care of the house and taking pride in the house, and spending your time looking after your family and your community would be a great achievement. But, I think it wouldn't feel like one for me - one major reason being that I am TERRIBLE at housework (really) and I'm really quite lazy so I'm not convinced I would fill my days and be as active as you guys seem to be. So, kudos to you SAHWs, I couldn't do what you are doing!

I think it really just comes down to that - what do you like doing, and what works for you?

It's also interesting that I was talking to my DH the other day and I was saying (as some of you have) that I would feel bad if I didn't work (this was in the context of in case we had kids) and we lived of his income. But he turned round and said "But don't you know how proud I would be to support my wife and children?" Made me think - I'd never thought about it that way. (I still don't think it's going to change my mind - I like working too much! And he is happy that I am happy.)

 

[rockawaybeachgirl]

We just celebrated the 8 year anniversary of my husband being a stay at home Dad (his last day was on Sept 11th, which is why it is stuck in our brain). Many of the same reasons as have been listed, just with gender reversed. I know that's a less common situation than most people have, but we both love our arrangement and are super happy with the decision.

Once our kids are grown (currently 20, 14, 7) we have no intention of him going back to work. First, he'll be old ; ) and his profession involves manual labor. Second, I love the convenience of having him home in terms of planning vacations, getting things done for us and the house during the week and having the weekends to ourselves. My job can be done remotely most of the time or involves a lot of travel, so I'm hoping that by then we can be snowbirds!

 

[mousefan73]

[QUOTE

doing all the charity, volunteering, household management that people have mentioned, would help them be a better person. I can see how you would learn new skills (like languages and hobbies) and how taking care of the house and taking pride in the house, and spending your time looking after your family and your community would be a great achievement. [/QUOTE]


I am a working mom and wife, the above that you praise SAHMs for doing I also doing plus working 40 plus hours a week.. I feel that a SAHM or a SAHD can choose what they do with their lives.. The only thing that gets me is when some one praises a SAHM for taking care of the kids, cleaning, organizing volunteering... etc because ya'll know it's a full time job...... Well we working parents spouses also do this.. Not every working woman has a housekeeper or nanny taking care of ther kids. In fact we have double or triple duty.

In my neighborhood there are many SAHMs who contanstly are looking for affirmative praise from us working moms that being a SAHM is as full time job,, I agree it can be.. But please, once they are in school you got the whole day. they get to sit on the couch at night and spend time with their kids, or just chill ( I am scrubbing toilets). or take weekends off for family.. What I am doing on Satursdays/Sundays... laundry...

 

[disykat]

Mousefan73, you are affirming why many people choose not to try to do it all. Your choice to do both jobs doesn't make someone choosing to do the one job less.

I think most people would agree that being a parent and/or keeping a home is a full time job, and considered a priority by most people whether you add another job on top of it or not.

It gets exhausting with the "what do you do all day?" questions followed by the "but I do that too!" exclamations/rebuttals. Whether you are a SAHP or a homemaker, those are jobs that almost everyone does. I would think everyone could agree they are worthwhile and difficult endeavors.

I think the people who are truly blessed are the people who get to choose what their days will look like. Having spent many of my days on both sides of this argument - by my choice at each turn - I don't get the angst. To me, the angst that makes sense would be from people who don't have a choice and wish they did. Other people's choices don't have to be "wrong" for yours to be "right."

IMO, having the ability to choose how you spend your days is a great thing. Having to justify how you spend your days is not.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Wow, EXCELLENT post disykat!

And. about the other one comment above...
IMHO, there are many men who are, would be, 'proud', to have the little wifey at home taking care of everything.
Not always a good thing!

Also, how would everyone here feel if a woman were to say that she was just so 'proud' (or similar word)... actually proud, that her husband made a good amount of money to provide for her the lifestyle to which she is accustomed.

IMHO, both of these are very skewed and self-serving viewpoints.

While I totally value the accomplishments and meaning and satisfaction of being that kind of a wife..... The very sad and true fact is that these are things that are very very under-valued and taken for granted of, by many other's. Even the husband's, and yes children, that they have devoted themselves to.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

We just celebrated the 8 year anniversary of my husband being a stay at home Dad (his last day was on Sept 11th, which is why it is stuck in our brain). Many of the same reasons as have been listed, just with gender reversed. I know that's a less common situation than most people have, but we both love our arrangement and are super happy with the decision.

Once our kids are grown (currently 20, 14, 7) we have no intention of him going back to work. First, he'll be old ; ) and his profession involves manual labor. Second, I love the convenience of having him home in terms of planning vacations, getting things done for us and the house during the week and having the weekends to ourselves. My job can be done remotely most of the time or involves a lot of travel, so I'm hoping that by then we can be snowbirds!

I couldn't do it.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And, I love that last sentence in your post, disykat... About feeling that one has to 'justify'.

I simply do not, ever, feel that I have to justify anything to those people who feel that they have the right and even the obligation to go around 'judgeing'.
I just don't even go there.

 

[rockawaybeachgirl]

I couldn't do it.

Well, it's a good thing we're not married then!

 

[Gumbo4x4]

Well, it's a good thing we're not married then!

LOL, don't get me wrong - where you're headed sounds great. But, I had a couple of 6 week stints at home with a toddler, and it's just not for me. I had so many projects that I had time to do, but none of them lent themselves to also taking care of a child. So, my hat's off to anyone who can pull it off.

 

[Magpie]

I am a working mom and wife, the above that you praise SAHMs for doing I also doing plus working 40 plus hours a week.. I feel that a SAHM or a SAHD can choose what they do with their lives.. The only thing that gets me is when some one praises a SAHM for taking care of the kids, cleaning, organizing volunteering... etc because ya'll know it's a full time job...... Well we working parents spouses also do this.. Not every working woman has a housekeeper or nanny taking care of ther kids. In fact we have double or triple duty.

In my neighborhood there are many SAHMs who contanstly are looking for affirmative praise from us working moms that being a SAHM is as full time job,, I agree it can be.. But please, once they are in school you got the whole day. they get to sit on the couch at night and spend time with their kids, or just chill ( I am scrubbing toilets). or take weekends off for family.. What I am doing on Satursdays/Sundays... laundry...

See, this is exactly why we decided not to have me go out and get a job.

1. We didn't need the money.

2. We value time spent with family very highly. No one wants me spending all evening doing laundry or scrubbing toilets, etc. We don't want to have to squeeze all the errands and chores into the 7 to 10 slot every evening or use up all our weekends. We want to be able to hang out together and watch TV or play games or go for walks. We want our weekends free.

There always have to be sacrifices. Many families can't afford to have one spouse at home. And while some people may indeed manage to "do it all", most can't.

And no one should be expected to have to do it all! If you're working your butt off all day, you should relax a bit in the evening. It's good for your health, for your relationships, it's just good for everyone.

Yes, being a SAHW can be a full time job. If you're doing all the same things a SAHW does and you're also working a full time job on top of that, then you're working two jobs. (And that also raises the question of, do you have a partner and why aren't they pitching in?)

As someone who grew up with a single mother who often literally held down two jobs, and who was always working herself into exhaustion to try to being a parent, a provider, a housekeeper and a cook... I admire her immensely. But it was FAR from ideal and I wouldn't want anyone to have to go through what she did. She'd leave in the morning before I woke up. She wouldn't get back until 7pm or later. Just enough time to feed me dinner, read me a story and put me to bed. She spent every weekend cleaning and trying to catch up on errands. She was so exhausted all the time, that the littlest thing could cause her to utterly lose her mind. For example, one day in grade 7 I chose not to iron my school uniform shirts. That's all she asked me to do - just iron them. I couldn't be bothered. She caught me heading out the door in a wrinkled shirt and suddenly she was screaming at me. She told me that the teachers would see me in my wrinkled shirt and they'd think I didn't care about school. And then they'd give me lower grades. And I wouldn't graduate. And I'd end up on the street pregnant and drug addicted!

I laughed in her face, because it was all nonsense, but in retrospect I feel really bad for her. The poor woman, the same age then as I am now, and working harder than anyone should have to. And teenage-me couldn't even care enough to iron a shirt. I am almost 100 percent sure she cried when I walked out the door that day.

Quality of life matters to me. There's no prize at the end for the woman who works the hardest or gets the most done.

I consider myself very, very fortunate that I haven't had to live my mother's life.

 

[Magpie]

LOL, don't get me wrong - where you're headed sounds great. But, I had a couple of 6 week stints at home with a toddler, and it's just not for me. I had so many projects that I had time to do, but none of them lent themselves to also taking care of a child. So, my hat's off to anyone who can pull it off.

My husband says the same thing. He loves our children, and is a terrific parent, but he sure didn't want to be with them 24/7 when they were young. He use to say work was his "sanity break".

I still hold out hope my daughter will find herself a nice, complacent, nurturing man to be her househusband. That way, she could devote herself fully to the career she's fallen in love with, and still get to have the kids she says she wants.

 

[rockawaybeachgirl]

My husband says the same thing. He loves our children, and is a terrific parent, but he sure didn't want to be with them 24/7 when they were young. He use to say work was his "sanity break".

I still hold out hope my daughter will find herself a nice, complacent, nurturing man to be her househusband. That way, she could devote herself fully to the career she's fallen in love with, and still get to have the kids she says she wants.

I don't want to turn this into a discussion about gender roles, but FOR US this is the ideal situation. I agree, some people are not cut out for staying at home full time with young kids - I'm one of those people. My husband is much more suited to it. Now that all the kids are in school all day, he gets to reap the benefit of the more grueling days of babies and toddlers. Case in point - when I called him earlier he was out getting some sun and was ready to take his daily nap .

I always say, we are 100% a traditional family, just with the roles completely swapped....

 

[ashley0139]

I don't want to turn this into a discussion about gender roles, but FOR US this is the ideal situation. I agree, some people are not cut out for staying at home full time with young kids - I'm one of those people. My husband is much more suited to it. Now that all the kids are in school all day, he gets to reap the benefit of the more grueling days of babies and toddlers. Case in point - when I called him earlier he was out getting some sun and was ready to take his daily nap .

I always say, we are 100% a traditional family, just with the roles completely swapped....

I actually think it could be a rather interesting discussion about gender roles. I guess not for this thread though. I just wish this happened 50% of the time, instead of the estimated 15% (though honestly that's higher than I thought it was).

 

[quandrea]

I don't want to turn this into a discussion about gender roles, but FOR US this is the ideal situation. I agree, some people are not cut out for staying at home full time with young kids - I'm one of those people. My husband is much more suited to it. Now that all the kids are in school all day, he gets to reap the benefit of the more grueling days of babies and toddlers. Case in point - when I called him earlier he was out getting some sun and was ready to take his daily nap .

I always say, we are 100% a traditional family, just with the roles completely swapped....

My best friend is like this. She works full time as a nurse. He stays home with their two girls, 16 and 10. They are very happy with their arrangement and so glad to have had one parent home all these years. They made the decision they did because she had higher earning potential and was just more suited to full time work--although she works a contract position with lots of flexibility. He loves the day to day home stuff. If they'd both worked there would have been more money and more frills, but having a parent home was prioritised over everything else.

 

[DVC-Don]

I was a stay at home dad from late 1992 to mid 2010 (although I did work part time when the kids were in school from 2000 to 2010). Best job I ever had. My wife runs her own insurance agency. She was making 2 1/2 times my salary when I quit work. I can grocery shop faster and cheaper than my wife now.