Are funerals changing? (Spin off from church issues thread)

[sk!mom]

I have noticed more and more people not having a traditional funeral. It seems that the need to wait or plan something very small during the worst of Covid empowered people to step away from traditions. I frequently see now “service to be held later” or “family grieving privately.” It seems positive to me for people to realize that they do not have to buy into spending a fortune unless they want to.

Do you see changes?

 

[nw6675]

Limited, but yes. Its ok to be private and intimate

 

[BlueStarryHat]

My family always had funny funerals because that's just the way we are, so I haven't noticed any new traditions. Except. When my Aunt Betty passed away recently, the funeral home that held the viewing did have an emotional support dog walking around for people to cuddle and pet. I loved that. That was the first time I had heard of such a thing.

I have it down that when I go, all I want is a viewing and then a cremation. I want most of my insurance money to go to my nieces and nephew instead of to paying for an elaborate funeral. I think most of all people have realized that you don't need to go out in style. I have noticed a trend towards the intimate with weddings as well.

 

[Bad Pink Tink 2.0]

Funerals in Ireland are just as traditional as before the lockdowns. One of my neighbours passed away last week and it was just like it would have been in 2013.

The only difference now is that funeral Masses are live streamed. A company started this during the lock downs when we had very strict rules about the amount of people allowed at a funeral Mass. The family can request to have the Mass recorded or just live streamed. I think its a great idea, as especially in Ireland, where there are family and friends who live all over the country and in other countries, who might want to attend and pay respects but for whatever reason cant on the day.

 

[maxaroni]

Growing up, the usual was to have viewings 2-4 & 7-9, the following morning viewing followed by a service either at the funeral home or church. Burial was after the service with usually family & close friends. It then went to one viewing time the day before, with the funeral the following day, same as usual. It then went to viewing the same day as the funeral, with viewing and then service (funeral home or church) followed by burial. I now see so many more with a celebration of life/memorial service later on, with burial being more of family only, or cremation.

My parents were both direct cremation, no service or memorial service.

 

[Dug720]

Even before COVID, with my grandparents it was family viewing and burial/interment of ashes and a memorial service in the church that was open to others afterwards.

 

[LadybugsMum]

My family does memorial services a month or 2 later since we are spread all over the country. We've been doing it long before Covid and it won't change anytime soon.

 

[Disneylover99]

Yes. I’ve noticed a huge change in funerals over the past couple of years.

Usually some kind of memorial or celebration of life 6 months + down the road instead of the traditional funeral mass/visitation within a week of death.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Yes, and I think cost is a large part of it. But lockdowns made it possible to vary from traditional, it seems.

I know my mother’s services several years back cost $13.5K and that was just the basics for one day. (Back in the 80s my father’s cost $3.5K and I thought that was a lot. I can only imagine what costs are like today in the same places!) ETA As my father was a veteran, there was no cost associated with burial for either; the pricing was solely for basic funeral services.

I was also shocked that putting an obituary in the main newspapers in our area cost $700, each! Funeral director told me that most people direct others on social media to the funeral home website, where the obituary would be listed.

It’s no wonder people use Go Fund Me’s today to help with funeral costs. We were fortunate Mom had already paid for her services. In our family we carry life insurance policies, and did even when our kids were young, for that reason.

After the last funeral in our family, just a couple of months ago, where wishes were unknown, we all talked about our wishes. It seems like something none of us really want to think about, but at least now, we all know.

 

[Travel60]

When Dad died (late 80s) I lived 500 miles away and was pregnant. I flew in next day. They already owned plots and had pre-paid funeral. We let the funeral home and church handle arrangements. My parents had been sort of big fish in a small pond, owning several businesses but had retired about 10 years earlier. There was a new pastor at church dad had not met because of illnesses keeping him home. The funeral was horrible - the pastor obviously did no research into what dad had done for town and church through the years. It was very generic. Many friends and relatives commented on how bad it was.

When Mother died in 2010s, we ran the show. Gathered at funeral home. No pastor, DH was "emcee", various kids and grandkids spoke, did readings or sang/played her favorite songs. I did the eulogy. It was more a celebration of her life. Everyone commented how wonderful it was.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

When my Aunt Betty passed away recently, the funeral home that held the viewing did have an emotional support dog walking around for people to cuddle and pet. I loved that. That was the first time I had heard of such a thing.

I absolutely love that. It would be totally right up our alley.

 

[tvguy]

Just depends first on what the deceased wanted, IF they made it known what their wishes were. And on the family's wishes.
My mom hand wrote out her wishes in one of those note pads companies give out as promotional material.
At the top, underlined and with three exclamation marks: NO PUBLICITY. Followed by "no autopsy, it won't bring me back to life" "No embalming" "No services, unless you want graveside services just for your family". What she didn't know was, since she planned my dad's funeral in 1967 ......was family are not even allowed in the cemetery on the day on internment. She is interred with my dad in a National Cemetery that closed to new interments in 1968. The only internments now are like my moms, in a existing grave site with a spouse. The reason for the ban on the family being there on internment day is because in a cemetery that has essentially been closed for 45 years, there can be surprises when they open a grave. How cemeteries operate changes after they run out of gravesites and close. They transition from being an active cemetery, to one that just needed upkeep. That turned out to be the case with my mom. The cemetery called to make sure I was not planning on coming that day.....I was not. They assured me my mom would be interred that day, but apparently my dad's gravesite was among the last available and it was in the last row of the cemetery and over the years they had place the permanent irrigation pipes through the gravesite. So they had to reroute those pipes before my mom could be interred.
All I can say is, thanks mom. You made it as easy as you could for us, and thus my wife and I also want to services.

 

[slo]

Yes…very much so.
I’m very Catholic, so my wishes are a traditional Catholic funeral, but I respect the wishes and reasons why others are doing something different.

 

[DVC-Don]

My dad left instructions, no wake, cremation, spread his ashes on Lake Champlain and meet at a pub when summer came. That's what we did, family met in Burlington, Vermont in July. This was pre-Covid.

 

[Bad Pink Tink 2.0]

At the top, underlined and with three exclamation marks: NO PUBLICITY. Followed by "no autopsy, it won't bring me back to life"

There may be no choice about an autopsy. In Ireland when the cause of death is unknown, and in certain other circumstances, the Coroner is obliged by law to order a post-mortem. The next of kin are not required to give permission or prevent the autopsy.

 

[goofyernmost]

It certainly depends on the statements of the deceased either verbally while still alive or in writing upon death. But the costs of funerals are worse then housing. Caskets, burial, embalming and planning by those left behind are all factors. I purchased a lot a few years back and prepaid everything except the cost of Cremation. I don't want to pay ahead of time for something that might end up being not available. I arranged everything via the Cemetery and since I purchased the land I know it will still be there when I need it.

My family was always a big wake and church funeral types. I saw it as a waste of money. When my ex-wife died broke about 7 years ago I allowed her ashes to be buried in one half of my lot since I have requested Cremation as well. Plenty of room and probably no disagreements about room temperatures. It ends up to be massively cheaper then the old time funeral setup. We had a small grave side gathering at the cemetery for my X, just family (all her direct family lived to far away to get here) and one minister for her benefit plus some opportunity for some to say something. Only our oldest grandson, my son in law and myself had anything they wanted to say. I spoke specifically for the reason to letting our grandkids know about their grandmother and not just when she was sick. I listed her many accomplishments in life and included a few pictures of her from years before they ever knew her at all.

I expect the same type of thing, except that I am not religious but if some would like to gather for the inurnment that would be fine. Hopefully, at that time I will have enough money left over for them all to go out to lunch someplace to celebrate what was my life and still is theirs, on me.

 

[tvguy]

There may be no choice about an autopsy. In Ireland when the cause of death is unknown, and in certain other circumstances, the Coroner is obliged by law to order a post-mortem. The next of kin are not required to give permission or prevent the autopsy.

U.S. is vastly different. Some questioned when Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died that there was no autopsy. He was 79. In the U.S., if the family doesn't request an autopsy, and there are no suspicious circumstances and the person is over 59 years of age, a death is presumed to be natural and an autopsy not needed.
How does Ireland deal with people whose religions forbid autopsies?

 

[Southernmiss]

At our Catholic church, we've noticed the number of attendees for funerals is greatly reduced.

We've had 7 church funerals in the last month, so people are still having church funerals.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

There may be no choice about an autopsy. In Ireland when the cause of death is unknown, and in certain other circumstances, the Coroner is obliged by law to order a post-mortem. The next of kin are not required to give permission or prevent the autopsy.

U.S. is vastly different. Some questioned when Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died that there was no autopsy. He was 79. In the U.S., if the family doesn't request an autopsy, and there are no suspicious circumstances and the person is over 59 years of age, a death is presumed to be natural and an autopsy not needed.
How does Ireland deal with people whose religions forbid autopsies?

A 60-something year old family member of mine died recently, under somewhat unusual circumstances. At the hospital we were told the medical examiner would be taking him for a non-negotiable autopsy, and there was no delay in taking his body away. Those were state rules apparently. Next day the call came in from the medical examiner that no autopsy would be necessary, based on medical history and condition of the body. (We’re assuming no stab wounds or the like were found, and it was clear from records there was a cardiac history.) I was glad to see they used their judgement about it.

I saw an autopsy once, by accident (dropping a body off in the morgue) and it’s not something I would choose to do to a beloved family member if there was a choice. When someone dies in the hospital, families are usually given a choice. Many say no.

 

[Bad Pink Tink 2.0]

U.S. is vastly different. Some questioned when Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia died that there was no autopsy. He was 79. In the U.S., if the family doesn't request an autopsy, and there are no suspicious circumstances and the person is over 59 years of age, a death is presumed to be natural and an autopsy not needed.
How does Ireland deal with people whose religions forbid autopsies?

I'm not sure, all I could find is that there are 2 types of post mortems. The Coroner post mortem is a legal requirement when a death occurs in a range of specific circumstances. The Consent post mortem is when a doctor advises next of kin that a post mortem might be useful. The next of kin can refuse this one if they wish.