Any tips on how to become a better wife

[Wishing on a star]

I am way harder on my self then I should be and it has been a hard summer both working are butts off on the house still have a lot of work to do and a lot of but kissing to my boss to keep my job to the point I am ready to pull my hair out

Okay, I think I see a little bit of the picture!!!

You guys are very busy and very stressed!!!!

That happens...
Even (or maybe 'especially') to Newlyweds.

Yep, life happens...
And when one gets overly stressed, overtired, overwhelmed, etc... Well, I think that is what you might be referring to when you say 'monster'.
That is when the bad sides of human nature can come out!

You know what I think you might need...
You need to learn to TAKE and MAKE the time, together, and leave those demands and stressors behind...
IMHO, ALL marriages/relationships need this.

Stop.... Take three deep breaths... Check your calanders.... And find that time, at least a few minutes on a few days every week... and for at least one day every few weeks... to just RELAX, DECOMPRESS, and just be yourselves with each other.

I have heard of a technique recommended by therapists, perhap called The Stop Method.
Maybe this is something that can be looked up????

It might help to visualize that "POOF.... all those stressors have just disappeared..." Just temporarily..... Let them go..... Lock the doors and windows, so to speak... Temporarily, choose to FORGET about the work on the house... The stresses at work, etc.... Don't let them control you 24/7.... They are not really going to be solved or completed just like that.... It isn't going to hurt to put them away for a bit.... And, it might help, A LOT !!!!

 

[SaraJayne]

Just adore him. All men want to be adored. And let him adore you without argument about how bad you are. Don't beg for assurance. Just hold your head up and make a good life for YOU. Look in the mirror and say, "I am in charge of making things good! Today will be a good day."

On the flip side, you also must realize there will be times when you absolutely do NOT adore him (and there will be times he doesn't adore you).

And that's ok.

 

[NY Disney fan]

One thing never to say in a marriage. If you want your husband to do something and he doesn't do it, don't say "OK I GUESS I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE!" Just let the garbage rot until he takes it out.

 

[JennaDeeDooDah]

I am more similar to you! I guess we are old fashion!

Looks like the Tag Fairy agrees with you. I like knowing that there is someone else who is old fashioned like me out there.

 

[Wishing on a star]

PS: About that ridiculous list above.....
Being a good spouse should NOT be about babying and parenting an adult and constantly 'serving' as a slave and concubine...

OP, it is ALL about respect...
Respect for each other...
Respect for how each of you sees your role as a spouse.
Respect for each persons strengths, weaknesses, wishes, desires, expectations.

I think that this is really what you might need to really talk with your husband about!!!

Not some warped, archaic, pre-determined, list.

 

[SaraJayne]

One thing never to say in a marriage. If you want your husband to do something and he doesn't do it, don't say "OK I GUESS I HAVE TO DO EVERYTHING AROUND HERE!" Just let the garbage rot until he takes it out.

Orrrr, you could just say "honey, can you please take out the garbage when you get a chance? Thanks."

Easy peasy.

I've learned if I want my DH to do something to help me, I have to ask him. He isn't a mind reader and me stewing about it and getting pissed off because he isn't helping me doesn't do anyone any good.

 

[TifffanyD]

Orrrr, you could just say "honey, can you please take out the garbage when you get a chance? Thanks."

Easy peasy.

I've learned if I want my DH to do something to help me, I have to ask him. He isn't a mind reader and me stewing about it and getting pissed off because he isn't helping me doesn't do anyone any good.

Hahaha... for some men the "chances" to do things like that don't happen fast enough tho. I find that "Hey would you rather take out the trash or cook dinner?" works better

 

[NY Disney fan]

I've learned if I want my DH to do something to help me, I have to ask him.

Then your husband is from another planet.

 

[SaraJayne]

Hahaha... for some men the "chances" to do things like that don't happen fast enough tho. I find that "Hey would you rather take out the trash or cook dinner?" works better

If it's been sitting there for a day or two, another few mins won't hurt anything.

If it's extra stinky and I want it out of the house, I'll just take it out myself.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Orrrr, you could just say "honey, can you please take out the garbage when you get a chance? Thanks."

Easy peasy.

I've learned if I want my DH to do something to help me, I have to ask him. He isn't a mind reader and me stewing about it and getting pissed off because he isn't helping me doesn't do anyone any good.

Ohhhhh, again, I have to disagree....If garbage removal is their responsibility as an adult... Then they should, as an adult, take the initiative for this responsibility and take care of it on a regular basis... period.

There are a huge percentage of men who are masterful at ignoring, procrastinating, being passive-aggressive... etc....

Then, when the woman has to say, for the third time "Umm sorry, but hate to remind you, but the garbage is overflowing everywhere!!!!" All he has to do is react based on that hidden adult-child resentment about mommy making him do chores... And all of the sudden everything is the woman's fault for being a nagging, demanding, witch... This scenario is so common it is downright CLASSIC.

A marriage should NEVER have an adult-child dynamic.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Then your husband is from another planet.

OMG!!!!!!

I SO agree!!!!!

 

[SaraJayne]

Then your husband is from another planet.

Why? He isn't a mind reader and I don't expect him to be. If he doesn't offer, I'll ask. Why is that such a crazy concept for some women to grasp?

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I love Dr. Laura I have not heard her or read her books in 10 years though but deffentaly look into her

 

[rockawaybeachgirl]

Have dinner ready: Plan ahead even the night before to have a delicious meal on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-wary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter: Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary, change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quite. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad to see him. Some don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he’s late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day.

Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax-unwind.

Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

http://vintymag.wordpress.com/2007/05/07/1950s-homemaking-tips-a-crash-course/

Hmm, so I guess those of us wives who are the breadwinner with SAHD's are screwed huh




Just kidding - I've seen this piece before- I think the reason some people did not 'get it' is because you left out the parts like 'remember, his needs are more important than yours' and 'a good wife always knows her place'!

 

[Tiger926]

I think you should first focus on your anxiety related issues that have been discussed on other threads, Counseling will help set your mind right so you can better reflect on your marriage.

Yup.

I feel like this whole thread won't actually be very helpful whatsoever as the anxiety that OP displays on a wide variety of topics, is more than likely what is at play here.

On a related note though, I feel that marriage is the hardest thing that I do: harder than parenting and harder than teaching. It truly takes an abundance of patience, caring, sensitivity, altruism, compromise and communication. So, as someone who has been married for 13 years, take comfort in knowing that it is not easy, but we are hard on ourselves, when in fact, our partners would not be in agreement with that.

Tiger

 

[SaraJayne]

A marriage should NEVER have an adult-child dynamic.

I agree, which is why mine doesn't.

 

[happygirl]

Why? He isn't a mind reader and I don't expect him to be. If he doesn't offer, I'll ask. Why is that such a crazy concept for some women to grasp?

He can't tell the garbage is full and needs to be taken out on his own? without you having to tell him/

 

[NY Disney fan]

Why? He isn't a mind reader and I don't expect him to be. If he doesn't offer, I'll ask. Why is that such a crazy concept for some women to grasp?

Its not a crazy concept for a WOMAN to grasp. "Wishing on a Star" explained the dynamic so well.

 

[TifffanyD]

Then your husband is from another planet.

HAHAHAHA!!!

If it's been sitting there for a day or two, another few mins won't hurt anything.

If it's extra stinky and I want it out of the house, I'll just take it out myself.

Yeah well to take our trash out is a 10-15 min job... and if I end up doing everything myself I'll get grouchy and resentful. As I'd imagine he would get were the tables turned.

 

[tinkerbellandeeyor]

I am quiting the stressful job till chirstmas at least so wish me luck I am sure my quility of life as well as DHs well imporve going back to work with my friends Augest 6th