Any non-AP parents out there??

[sk!mom]

My children are 22 and 11. I'm not sure if AP parenting was around when they were babies so we did what felt right to us.

Babywearing- no but I loved my front carrier and held both a lot.

Co-sleeping- nope, both loved their cribs and slept in their own rooms without a problem from birth. We loved our privacy after full days of parenting.

Breast feeding- another no but I wanted to- my breasts are apparently just for looks .

Imunizations- yes but they have both gone to traditional school so it was a must. If I had known at the time about the possible connections to Autism or if I had to make that decision now- I would delay vaccinations.

Spanking- NO WAY! We have a non-violent home. No one hits anyone else. I have to say that we have never had issues with our children being aggressive toward others. Yelling is rare as well. We prefer "logical consequence discipline" with clear limits.

 

[idreamdisney]

We adopted our son from an orphanage in Kazakhstan when he was 6 months old, so our techniques were always more "attachment" oriented than they might have been if we birthed him. With an adopted child, you don't have the 9 months of bonding in the womb, etc. so you kind of have to play catch up. As soon as we met him, we held him as much as humanly possible, carried him in a sling (even around the house sometimes), and did not let him cry him out at bedtime. He had not had that special someone to soothe him when he cried for 6 mos. so we knew he needed this.

He is 2 1/2 now and doing great! He's never been a great sleeper, meaning he just doesn't need as much as his parents do!!! He has had all his immunizations and we had him circumcised at 1 year (debated this for a long time but talked to lots of parents whose boys were 12-13 and were having to be circumcised b/c of tons of infections...ouch)...we're glad we did it. We've never spanked him and don't plan to, but both DH and i were spanked as kids.

I'm a work at home mom and starting to think about preschool...whether or not to do it, when to start, etc. Maybe you guys can give me some advice....he does NOT like me to leave him anywhere but my parents house and still has some residual abandonment issues so I'm leaning toward not starting him this year anyway...also starting potty training and moving to big boy bed---thinking this is just too many changes for a 3-4 month period of time. Would you leave your child at preschool crying and screaming (I mean if you didn't HAVE to b/c of work, etc)...if so, how long would you give them to adjust before you just figured they weren't ready yet?

Thanks for the advice!!! I agree w/ many other posters that you have to trust your instinct...as long as you're showing your child love, support, affection, and teaching them how to be a responsible person, methods may vary. I personally think attachment is very important, but possibly overrated w/ birth children....attachment problems usually come with abuse/neglect situations (incl. emotional), and of course with abandonment of any form.

Happy parenting!!!

 

[disneymom3]

idream--I am actually training right now to start doing homestudies for an adoption agency. I would suggest you NOT send your son to preschool this year. Sounds like he is still needing to solidify that primary attachment. There will be plenty of time for him to hang with other kids--right now he needs mom. What about a local moms group so he gets the interaction without mommy needing to leave?

 

[t-beri]

I think if you've ever known someone personally who's suffocated a newborn accidentally in there sleep that regardless of how many people do it or what safefguards are available you would NEVER sleep w/ a newborn in your bed. I know it made a HUGE difference to me. Not that I ever did it regularly, but I wouldn't worry about falling asleep w/ the baby before BUT after I knew someone who it happened to I wouldn't dare. But that's just me.

Of all the advice that new parents get I followed this advice from my grand the closest. Hold babies when they want to be held. play w/ them, rock them, put them in the sling while your vacuuming...but put them down when they are sleeping or else they'll never sleep w/out you. So when the babies want to be held I hold them and this did mean some time in a sling or backpack carrier for DD.
I have my issues w/ immunizations, but my kids have all of theirs.
I'm not a spanker, but it is never ruled out. I threaten it a lot and my children, never having been spanked, are scared enough by it for that threat to straighten them out. I dread the day when it doesn't and I have to follow through.

There is so much information put out by the minute and varying viewpoints that it's enough to make your head spin. The only thing we can do is what we think is best for our children and hope we're right and know that whatever our decisions were they were made out of love for them.


I think you'll find there are many more of us out there winging it than subscibing to any given child rearing method. I think a lot of the AP ideals are good, most aren't exactly practical- especially for those of us working moms.

 

[dfarner]

.
I'm a work at home mom and starting to think about preschool...whether or not to do it, when to start, etc. Maybe you guys can give me some advice....he does NOT like me to leave him anywhere but my parents house and still has some residual abandonment issues so I'm leaning toward not starting him this year anyway...also starting potty training and moving to big boy bed---thinking this is just too many changes for a 3-4 month period of time. Would you leave your child at preschool crying and screaming (I mean if you didn't HAVE to b/c of work, etc)...if so, how long would you give them to adjust before you just figured they weren't ready yet?

Happy parenting!!!

If you are able to work from home then I would avoid sending him to preschool at this time. I definitely think that it is a good idea before he goes to kindergarten, but you still have awhile for that. And when he does start I would gradually break him in if you feel he still has some abandonment issues. We knew that our DD would be starting p/t at a daycare this fall, so we've been taking her for 1 day a week for the past couple of weeks to get her used to things. At first she cried a bit, but many times I would call just as soon as I got to the main road and she was just as happy as she could be. No missing Mom there .
It sounds like adoption has worked well for your family. If your motherly instinct is leaning away from sending him to ps at this time I wouldn't do it.

 

[madcam]

I guess I am the most fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants mom I know. Neither one of my girls (6 & 2) were breast fed. I don't have a problem with people doing it.....obviously it is what nature intended and all that. I do get a little freaked out to see a child with teeth still breast feeding. With my first child I was induced into labor and was all about the epidural!! When I went to try to breast feed her (and I only tried because the nurses were so dang mean about it.....like my child would be dumb as a rock if I didn't) all I could see was this little tiny head and my GIGANTICENORMOUS ta-ta!!! Seriously, I could barely see her face, I could not tell if she was getting anything to eat, it hurt like hell, and my entire family had no problem standing around waiting for me to "whip it out". So I decide formula was the way to go. When my second daughter was born, naturally.... with no drugs....not even a tylenol, (and not because I chose to but because they kept sending me home until it was too late to get my epiduraland DEAR GOD how is the earth still populated if that is what women used to have to go through?!?!?!? ) I made my husband go to the nurses station and let everyone know that I was not, nor did I intend to breast feed and no, I would not like to speak to anyone from La Leche, thank you very much!!!

The first one slept in my bed (or on a crib mattress on my floor next to my bed) until she was 3. She wanted to sleep with me and we had a house with stairs then and I was scared she would fall down them in the middle of the night. My second one still sleeps with me. We put her in her bed (downstairs) after she falls asleep and she sneaks back in my bed, wedges her head under my butt and sticks her feet in her daddy's face sometime around 3am I think. My husband whines about it every night. He asks when will she stay in her bed. I tell him that she will be 3 years old in about 4 months and I will get back to him then. I do this because I am too freakin' tired to force the issue. They don't want to sleep alone, they want to sleep with me and at 3am I cannot argue with anyone! As for intimate time, as someone on here brought up, it's called improvising(we do have SOME alone time~not much but some).......or abstinance depending on how helpful and sweet or agravating and annoying my DH is being on a given night.

I did not wear them in any kind of sling or snugli or whatever. I lived in Texas then. Have you ever been to Texas? It is HOT!! Why would I strap another 7 to 10 pounds of sweaty human to my body? I held them alot because they were so darn cute but "wear" them?????? I think not.

My children have learned how to sleep sitting straight up because we don't stop our day for nap time. If we are home, we go take a nap, if not, they sleep in the car or the mall or the doctor's office or wherever I have to go that day. We have no set schedule, we have no set dinner time, we have no set bed time. We strive for certain goals, like being in bed by 8:30 but we often fall short and I never stress about it. On days that I have 73 loads of laundry , bathrooms to clean and need to have dinner on the table by 5:00 so that my 6 yr old doesn't have to eat yet another McNugget on the way to cheer practice, my 2 yr old finally gets the syrup from breakfast washed out of her hair when her daddy gets home from work and can give her a bath. We are an extremely busy household and we just go with the flow.

Both of my kids are immunized. Public schools are where we are at right now. Should I become unsatisfied with the school my kids are in, I will put them in private school or we will move. I will not homeschool because I do not want to and I think that my kids need the social interaction. These are all personal choices and I have my reasons as I am sure others have theirs.

Here's the interesting thing. I know yall probably think I am biased and I probably am but I have the best kids! First of all, they have no attachment issues. I haven't even been to the bathroom by myself in almost 7 years they are that attached! Also, they are the most affectionate kids. They are big huggers and kissers and "I love you"ers with all of our friends and family members and all this without me wearing them around my neck for the first few months of life! (Shock, gasp!) But at the same time, they are perfectly happy to go stay with their grandparents for a weekend.....not a whole lot of separation anxiety is what I am trying to say. My 6yr old started having sleep overs this past year with a few select friends and I have never once had an issue with her over this. Also, they are both extemely smart, well behaved (most of the time), well mannered and fun, funny kids!! They LOVE each other to no end. My big one takes care of my little one like a little mamma hen and the little one copies everything the big one says and does. There is very, very little fighting between the two. EVER. Cool, huh? I have had people I don't even know comment on these positive aspects of my kids. I get positive comments about my children from aquaintences, friends, family and strangers on an almost daily basis and I feel SO blessed!!!!

Here are my last two cents and the best parenting advice anyone ever gave me: You know your child best so do what feels right for your child. If you have a child that is easily overwhelmed or over stimulated, obviously my "no schedule" schedule will not work for you. But I do believe that kids are fairly adaptable and as long as YOU are a constant in their life then NO WORRIES!!!!

 

[Kies99]

We have 2 dd's (5.5 and 4).

First one was on formula from the get-go due to a slight milk intolerance and the fact my wife wasn't producing enough milk.

Second one we did the same with formula as we didn't want to take a chance. Not to mention we both worked so it was easier on us (okay, on my wife!! )

Both slept in bassinet in our room for maybe 4-6 weeks and then were switched into cribs in their own rooms.

Bedtime has been (and still is) 7pm every night. Got them into that routine VERY early (maybe by 6 months) and it has worked great. We stil have trouble getting them up at 6am as that's when we need to head to work.

Both are sent off to daycare and it's been great.

We tried one of those baby carriers that held the baby on your front. Found them to be way uncomfortable for both us and the girls. Tried the ones on the back and found them to be the same.

As soon as they were able to comfortably walk, we started limiting the amount of time they spent in a stroller.

I guess you'd say we are NON-AP Parents!!

Forgot to mention immunizations and spanking:

Imunizations - yep they get all but the flu shot. I'm a believer in meds and have no issue. I just don't think the flu shot is a necessary shot as nobody we know ever seems to get the flu. Call it luck of the draw, but always seems to be the case.

Spanking - within reason we have no problem. It's almost always (99%) just a quick, semi-hard swat to the backside. Enough to scare them more than hurt them. Grabbing out the belt or wooden spoon is a no-no (though I know the feel of both of them from my dad!!)

 

[Kies99]

This is such a good thread. I am going to be a first time Mommy in January and am trying to decide what style of parent I should be. Attachment parenting doesn't seem to suit my personality. Are there any books or web sites that describe the different methods of parenting?
Thanks!

Congrats!

From a guy's perspective, I'd suggest you just do what feels "right". Believe me, up until the time my wife actually had the baby, I had NO idea what to do or how to be a parent. I didn't want to hold a baby or play with one because I didn't know how. I needed books more on specifics (how to change a diaper, how to fill a bottle, etc...). I like to think my instincts kicked in on the rest of it.

 

[Tikicampers]

I'm a work at home mom and starting to think about preschool...whether or not to do it, when to start, etc. Maybe you guys can give me some advice....he does NOT like me to leave him anywhere but my parents house and still has some residual abandonment issues so I'm leaning toward not starting him this year anyway...also starting potty training and moving to big boy bed---thinking this is just too many changes for a 3-4 month period of time. Would you leave your child at preschool crying and screaming (I mean if you didn't HAVE to b/c of work, etc)...if so, how long would you give them to adjust before you just figured they weren't ready yet?

Given his history, I would probably not send him this year. However as another poster said, I would send him to preschool before he starts K especially if your district has full day Kindergarten. I had two little boys this year who had never been away from Mom, and they cried almost the whole first week. Plenty of kids cry on the first day of Kindergarten, even if they've been in preschool, but usually I can calm them quickly. With these little guys there was no calming them down.
Also, when the time comes, he may well cry no matter how well you prepare him. Lots of kids cry when starting preschool or Kindergarten, and the teachers are used to it. They know how to handle it, and when it's time to call Mom.

 

[SmallWorld71]

VeroBeachGirl -
Congrats! The best advice I can give you is make your theories and style fit the child God gives you - don't try to change your child to fit a particular theory!

As far as my own parenting with DS8 and DD4 (DS11 is my step-son since 2)
breastfeeding - both kids until age 1

slings - My kids hated them! Neither liked to be swaddled at all. DD would scream bloody murder if I tried to put her in some sling where she couldn't move around freely from the time she was 2 mos. old. Interestingly, they both enjoy phsical activity such as sports and swimming. Don't know if it is connected or not.

immunizations - absolutely!

circumcision - yes

co-sleeping- DS8 slept with me until he was 8 mos. old. This was because DH worked the over night shift then and I almost dropped him one night on the way to his crib! It was safer with me.
DD4 started out in her crib from the get go. At about 1 1/2 she figured out how to scale the bars and climb into bed with DH and I. It took us 2 1/2 years to get her out!

Anyway, I don't think there is a right or wrong way necessarily. As long as we as parents have our eye on the end goal: young adults who are happy, kind, independent and productive members of society.

 

[idreamdisney]

disneymom3...thanks so much for the advice and re-assurance. I think
that is just what I needed to hear, and knew in my heart. I always start to doubt my instincts when I hear other mom's reactions (which I've gotten a LOT of)....so many "oh, my kids always cry too, they just have to learn to deal w/ it"-kind of things. But these adopted children are so different in their needs (esp. regarding attachment), and people don't understand that. I usu. end up doing what I think is right anyway, but I know I could save myself the doubt! (BTW...I do home studies as well...adoption is my passion!!)

A friend and I have been discussing doing a homeschool kind of
preschool 2 days a week with our kids (she has twin girls) and another
family's. That way I could stay w/ him while he gets social interaction and
gets used to circle time, etc. But I hadn't thought about the mom's
group....I think that's a great idea for both of us! I will definitely
look into this...I know there are tons of these in our area.

Thanks again for your help!!! And for all the other posters who offered their 2 cents as well!

 

[gris gris]

WOW you mommies (and daddies) can talk! This is one big cathartic thread (did I say that right?). I love all the comments, thanks OP for starting this.

I'm totally winging it but it's working out fine in our house. My kids sleep in their own rooms, DS is circumsized, they have their shots, they are very independent, I didn't wear them, never even considered breastfeeding, both were born via c-section, both get tylenol and other meds when they need them., we don't really make our beds, we clean up toys when we feel like it, we love germs....I could go on and on. Mostly I just want to be a relaxed parent. We don't really have schedules, eat when we're hungry, sleep when we're tired. The word "perfect" is not allowed in our house

LOL I just re-read what I wrote and it probably sounds like we live in a messy, dirty filled with germs house! I grew up in a "perfect" house where I didn't always get to be a kid, my mother was obsessive compulsive about cleaning and everything having it's place. I grew up this way, went to therapy to get over it, and now am proud of the fact that my kids aren't going to grow up with OCD issues.

I subscribe more to the John Rosemond child rearing theories (they worked great for my mom, and her generation!) than Dr Sears.

What is John Rosemond all about? My MIL mentions him once in a while but I'll be honest, I've never even looked him up.

 

[jodifla]

Different parenting styles definitely appeal to different people. I'm very non- AP myself....


DS slept in his own room from the third night,
he hated the sling -- too confining!
he hated breastfeeding
he got all his shots
he was circumcized (I was on the fence, until the nurse at the South Florida hospital said they regularly did circumcisions on boys around 8 to 10 because they got infections)
we did a schedule; this helped DS sleep through the night from the time he was 6 weeks old
I supplemented, because I felt it was more important that DS had enough to eat than for me to be able to wear some sort of breastfeeding achievement medal of honor.

For me personally, AP parenting seems to me to put kids on this kind of pedastal, like they are the be all and end all. To me, kids are an important member of the family, just like everyone else, including the mommy and daddy.

 

[waltskids]

I never really thought about what parenting style DH and myself are but it is not AP at all from what I have read:
Co-sleeping- No, He slept in his bassinet in our room then we moved him to his crib in his room. DS has slept through the night since he was 3 months old (knock on wood. We always put him in his crib awake and he never would "cry it out", he just fell asleep. I know, we count ourselves lucky for that!
Circumcision- Yes
Immunizations- Yes
Baby Wearing- In the beginning we use the carrier, but now he likes to crawl around more so we don't use it that often.
No cloth diapers or breastfeeding and he will attend public school.

BTW I just read the other AP discussion and I guess Circumcision, Immunizations and Home Schooling have nothing to do with AP?? Well I added them anyway, but as you can see, I am still not AP at all. I think each parent has to choose a style that works for them and their family. I never knew the term AP existed until visiting this forum.

 

[wannago2disney]

My husband is a shift worker so when he was on nights I would sleep with DS (now 4)...I had a few "seperation" issues when he was first born and was able to get more rest when I could feel him beside me. He slept in his bassinette when DH was home....this did become problematic when he got older and wouldn't go to sleep without one of us in bed with him....I learned my lesson and DD (now 2) stayed in the bassinette beside my bed within touching distance but did not bring her into bed with me. I slept the first 3 months of her life holding hands with her

Didn't breast feed because I couldn't produce enough to keep up to either of them...pumped and gave what I had for as long as I could.

We did use a carrier occaisionally but it was more for our convenience than a way to "bond" with our childeren...easier than carting a stroller through the farmer's market and the occaisional street fair ect.

Spanking: yes...usually when all other things (time out, bribes ect.) fail...mostly when I loose it!

My son is circumsised...this was very important to my mother as she works in a nursing home...she said that men who are not circumsized to do not keep their ***** cleaned properly and it leads to infection and other issues...where as the men who have been circumsized seem to have less of these issues.

as for vaccination, in ontario, we are required to have certain vaccines inorder to start school, play sports ect...for the most part, they are free for us as well. I did not know about the mmr possible causing autism until I read this thread, but i feel more secure knowing that my kids have been vaccinated.

Parenting is individual...we are all different and so are our children. We try to do the best we can in regards to our own circumstances. In a few years there may be a new trend and the children who are products of AP may be critisized for having toooo much of mommy and daddy's attention. who knows.

 

[workinmomof2]

I am definitely a non AP mom.

You have all these vision in your head when you are pregnant about the type of parent that you want to be, but when it happens, your normal personality takes over and you become "mommy". We all have our own styles. I am completely in favor of immunes. I think the risks of not having them are more horrific than this could be a possible source of. I have a friend who knew there was something wrong with her child from the time he was born. She said he pulled away from her when he was a baby. He was not officially diagnosed with autism until he was 7. My children were held and loved, but not all the time. Each kid sleeps in his own bed/crib.

For adopted child about preschool, have you talked to any? Our park district had a 2 year old program that was just for 1.5 hours. They teachers were great at working with the parents whose children had attachment issues. You might be able to find a program that would work with you and help get your child adjusted. I know there was a girl in my son's three between class this last year that cried for the entire time. My son told me. But the teachers worked with her and the parents and by the end she was enjoying the class as much as the other kids.

Good Luck

 

[dhardawa]

I did not do any type of attachment parenting. If anything, I went the opposite direction. I wanted my child to be very self-sufficient and wanted her to learn to soothe and entertain herself. I did not breastfeed (really had nothing to do with AP though, she projectile vomited breastmilk), put her in daycare at 10 weeks old, never even though of "wearing" her, put her in her own bed from birth on, and while I held her and never denied her attention, I was never one to carry her all the time. Oh, I also used the Ferber Method to teach her to put herself to sleep and she is fully vaccinated.

 

[*KeepMovingForward*]

There are a few AP parenting threads going on here and I was wondering if there were any others out there who did not adopt this philosophy?

Co-sleeping...now that would be a surefire birth control method for me and dh! Nope...only happened maybe 2-3 times when me or dh was too lazy (aka too tired) to get up and bring the baby back to their room.

Breastfeeding...only about 50% for the first 3 months. DH wanted to be able to participate in feedings too and I was not into pumping on command. I got a good idea of what a cow must feel like after the first week.

No slings or other contraptions used by us to hold our kids 24/7. We held them probably as much as most parents, but certainly didn't coddle them all the time either. We thought it was important to allow our kids to learn to play on their own and entertain themselves. BTW...they are happy and well adjusted teens now...so I guess we didn't do too bad of a job.

On rare occasion my children have been spanked. Like someone else said...taking privileges away seems to have a much better effect though.

DS's are both circumcised and all my kids got immunized at the necessary time increments. No autism as a result.

I've really come to the conclusion that if I wasn't so young when I had my kids, maybe the type-A personality would have come out in me and I would have researched this whole parenthood thing a bit...but to tell the truth, me and DH just did by trial and error. Other than a few pregnancy books on what to expect during those nine months of incubation, we did not read up on or study any of the childhood development philosophies out there. We had the kids and hit the ground running. Its worked for us so far.

 

[emh1129]

BTW I just read the other AP discussion and I guess Circumcision, Immunizations and Home Schooling have nothing to do with AP?? Well I added them anyway, but as you can see, I am still not AP at all. I think each parent has to choose a style that works for them and their family. I never knew the term AP existed until visiting this forum.

Right. They have absolutely nothing to do with AP! I tried mentioning that here as well, but I don't think anyone saw it I wasn't trying to make waves, just clear up some misinformation. It certainly isn't what has been described here.
I mean, some AP parents do these things, but many don't.. and many parents who subscribe to other philosophies do these things as well. Just coincidence.
Generally AP incorporates breastfeeding, bedsharing, babywearing, and belief in the value of baby's cry (i.e. no crying it out).
Here is a link with more info, in case anyone is interested in a better definition.
http://www.askdrsears.com/html/10/T130300.asp

 

[Family Loves Disney]

My girls both went into the crib when they were born. They were both breastfed, my oldest for a year and the baby for about 7 months (I stopped only because I stopped producing enough milk for her). Both have gotten their shots, although I will admit that the inconclusive research regarding shots and autism makes me nervous. My oldest has been spanked on rare occasion. So, no you are not alone.

Ok, I have to get on my soapbox about the immunizations. I am a nurse, plus I have a son with autism and yes he has had all of his shots! Immunizations do not cause autism, I believe that there is a possbility that it may bring out the markers for autism, but does NOT cause autism. Or, my other theory, when we as parents received the immuniztions as children (when there was still mercury in the shots), we may have passed on the toxins to our babies, which is why researchers are thinking autism is possibly heriditary. Now, I am getting off my soapbox. Sorry, I have had too many debates with "those" that think autism is only caused by immunizations, when the fact is, nobody knows what causes it, and we need to come together to find a cure and to treat our children now and to stop fighting about this immunization debate.

Anyway, I do believe in some attachment parenting, but not all, I'm no fanatic. I just raise my children to be the best they can be. DH and I let them sleep with us most of the time (although we are trying to put a stop to that), I breastfed both of them, we just do what we feel is best, and of course they do get spankings, not very often, but they do get them. As a parent, you do what you feel is right and yes, you will make mistakes, everyone does, as long as your child is growing and thriving and most importantly happy, don't worry about anyone else. Your child is the most important factor, not those that are trying to push different styles of parenting onto you. HTH

****Not wanting to start a autism debate or attachment parenting debate, just putting in my 2 cents****

BTW, when I read the non-AP parenting title, I thought it was for parents that did not have annual passes, lol. Tells you where my mind is.