Anxiety in young children - advice please!

[frostedpink]

I have a daughter, age 6, that has been exhibiting some anxious behavior lately. I’m not sure if I should sit and wait it out (just a phase?) or if I should bring her to a child therapist. I’m not sure where the line is for waiting it out vs getting help. I have anxiety myself, so she is definitely pre-disposed to this.

It started about a month ago when she got sick at lunch (threw up in front of everyone). After she returned to school, she began acting nervous, anxious, and crying each morning at the before-school care. She would be fine once it was time to go to her classroom (after about an hour).

Most of the other kids at the before-school care are older (3rd-5th graders). I’ve asked her and the staff if anyone is picking on her, etc and they all say no. When she cries, she tells the staff that she misses me, she’s worried that something will happen to me, etc. This is all strange to me, because she’s been in daycare her whole life, so she is used to being without mom and dad during the day.

To make matters worse, she now lies to me when I ask her if she cried today. She always says no (and many days she preempts the question and says “mom I didn’t cry today!”.) Well, today I asked the staff at before-school care and sure enough, she’s been crying every single day. They said the second I walk out the door, she becomes very nervous, cries, etc. I was able to observe that today b/c she thought I had left, when I actually went to another area of the room to talk to the staff member. Sure enough, her lip was quivering, and her body language was very passive, nervous, hesitant.

I don’t want to punish her for lying about this, because it’s already an upsetting situation. But I’m not sure what else to do. It’s like she can’t verbalize to me what is bothering her. Is she doing this for attention?! I’m not sure.

Do you think this is just a phase, like she’s realizing that mom isn’t always right next to her, etc? I just don’t know what to do!

 

[HM]

I'd start by talking to her pediatrian. He/She may have some insight about this with kids her age.

 

[Katy Belle]

Start with your pediatrician and maybe school counselor.

 

[Skip2MyLou]

We had something similar with my DD last November, just after she turned 6.

My scheduled changed so I was picking her up about an hour later than before at an after school program. At the same time is when is gets darker earlier in the day, so my daughter thought I was late picking her up. All of a sudden this anxiety started. She didn't want to ride the bus in the morning to go to school and would get so upset that she would throw up. She was crying during school & during after school. I talked to her Ped & also to the school counselor. The counselor started talking to her once a week but we could never find out what was going on.

After Christmas break, she went back to school & said she was fine. Sure enough, all this anxiety disappeared as fast as it came on. All we can think of is some changes in our schedule and perhaps some minor mishaps during after school program. She has since told us of one little girl who doesn't like her. As far as I can tell (talking to her & the program), there has never been any bullying or being mean. Just says she doesn't like my daughter.

We are just trying to teach her that not everyone is nice & wants to be your friend. All you can do is be kind, and if that doesn't work, leave them alone.

So far, it has been ok.

I hope you find some answers. It sure hurts when you don't know whats wrong.

 

[Gracie09]

DD2 had a similar problem earlier this year. It was during aftercare and she would just burst into tears and at one point threw up she was so upset. It took some time but finally she told me that the "beep" was there. The beep is the fire alarm. She was in that part of the building during a fire drill and it freaked her out. Something similar happened the previous year at preschool and I didn't put it together. Maybe try and get her to talk about what she is afraid of. With DD she only would tell me after I tucked her in and it was quiet and we were alone. This week she told me she didn't want to go back to school and I was finally able to put it all together and figured out the safety drill they had that day was the issue. I promised her there would be no drill the next day and told her next time there was a drill to hold her teacher's hand. I then emailed the teacher and let her know.

Sometimes the little ones internalize something that would roll off our backs.

 

[lustergirl]

I think something is going on and you should talk with your ped about this. She may be picked on by others and not telling you, Good Luck!!

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Barfing at school is a big anxiety thing. So yes, this is a mental thing if you are looking for an answer there. In addition there could be some teasing that goes along with that.

She can verbalize it to you however she does not want to or is not able to.

Do you have a school counselor, nurse, or pediatrician you can go to help her verbalize her fears and discuss it?

Basically you have to her talk it out and give her some coping techniques to the fear of barfing and/or words to say to students or how to tell on students that may be teasing her about her puking incident.

 

[mrsv98]

DD had big time anxiety when she was in 2nd grade. One thing that helped is giving her a touchstone. She was very big into Harry Potter so I found a small brooch/pin and created a story about how it had powerful protection. She wore it on her shirt everyday and it really helped. I would suggest (after making sure it isn't physical) is to find something she can keep with her that will make her feel stronger. It could even be something as simple as a heart drawn on her palm every morning.

Good luck, as a parent, it is hard to deal with something you can't "fix". For us, we had to learn that DD is somewhat high strung and an introvert. Once we figured that out, we were able to develop strategies that helped her deal with the world and head off potential issues.

 

[lucky978]

Sorry you are going through this. I know so many of my friends that have daughters that have gone through this same thing. My daughter did something similar around age 8 as well. I spoke to the pediatrician's office - and they referred me to a therapist in our area. I gave her a call and she gave us some tips and tricks to help my daughter through. A "help" box that she kept things to do when she was feeling nervous (cards, stickers, jump rope, favorite picture of us, etc.). She kept this with her in her room and whenever she was feeling nervous or anxious she would pull it out. Thankfully for my daughter it was just a phase and now she's as strong and confident as any other teen I know. I think in most cases it is a phase and you just have to be there for them, talk to them about it constantly (as much as they will allow). As long as they know you aren't mad, that you understand, and that you will always be there for her, she will pull through. But I would definitely call pediatrician or a family therapist for more advise.

One thing that concerned me about the therapy route was that some kids think "I have to go to a therapist - something must be wrong with me". That's why we decided to try the tips at home first to see if they would help. I'm thankful that they did.

 

[DisneyJules]

I have a daughter, age 6, that has been exhibiting some anxious behavior lately. I’m not sure if I should sit and wait it out (just a phase?) or if I should bring her to a child therapist. I’m not sure where the line is for waiting it out vs getting help. I have anxiety myself, so she is definitely pre-disposed to this.

It started about a month ago when she got sick at lunch (threw up in front of everyone). After she returned to school, she began acting nervous, anxious, and crying each morning at the before-school care. She would be fine once it was time to go to her classroom (after about an hour).

Most of the other kids at the before-school care are older (3rd-5th graders). I’ve asked her and the staff if anyone is picking on her, etc and they all say no. When she cries, she tells the staff that she misses me, she’s worried that something will happen to me, etc. This is all strange to me, because she’s been in daycare her whole life, so she is used to being without mom and dad during the day.

To make matters worse, she now lies to me when I ask her if she cried today. She always says no (and many days she preempts the question and says “mom I didn’t cry today!”.) Well, today I asked the staff at before-school care and sure enough, she’s been crying every single day. They said the second I walk out the door, she becomes very nervous, cries, etc. I was able to observe that today b/c she thought I had left, when I actually went to another area of the room to talk to the staff member. Sure enough, her lip was quivering, and her body language was very passive, nervous, hesitant.

I don’t want to punish her for lying about this, because it’s already an upsetting situation. But I’m not sure what else to do. It’s like she can’t verbalize to me what is bothering her. Is she doing this for attention?! I’m not sure.

Do you think this is just a phase, like she’s realizing that mom isn’t always right next to her, etc? I just don’t know what to do!

Having suffered from general anxiety disorder my whole life, yes this sounds like anxiety disorder. As a little girl in grade 1 I used to get VERY nervous going to the lunch hall because it was loud and there was much older kids there eating their lunch. I would get an upset tummy EVERY day, the teacher would ask what was wrong and I remember being so scared to tell her why. Maybe I was afraid it didn't sound normal or perhaps I was worried I would get in trouble. I really wish now I had told her what was wrong, I'm sure she only wanted to help me.

I think getting some therapy would be great for your daughter to help her cope with the feelings she's having. I know first hand, it's no fun.

 

[lvillotta1]

My DD who is 7 has some of the same issues. I will say that she was adopted from China at 12mos,so I am not sure if this has anything to do with what we are facing now. For the 2 years she becomes very anxious if there is a change in our schedule. If she has been off for a long weekend I find that she is crying before we leave school. She misses me tremendously and we are very close. She has cried at school and does tell her teacher why she is crying. Her teacher is amazing and will talk her through it and things are ok. We also emphasize our daily schedule and the days I am working so she knows what to expect. We do some co sleeping which has been great for her as she knows she can come in at anytime during the night. I am a single mom to her and she does have a sister too. I hope in time that she continues to trust us and that her anxiety will decrease.

 

[frostedpink]

Thank you all so much for chiming in. I love this board!
First step, I sent an email to her teacher explaining the situation and I asked her to talk to her to see if she could get anything out of her. She said she would, so I'm just waiting to hear how it went.

Second, we do have a previously-scheduled appt coming up with her pediatrician so I will DEFINITELY mention this and see what she says.

I will update after I hear back from her teacher.

 

[Sparkly]

I used to have anxiety about the other kids throwing up at lunch when I was little. To the point where I sat near the door in the hall so if anything happened I could leave and freaked out if I did not sit there. Oddly enough, if other kids puked on the playground I was fine. Maybe something about being trapped in a room with someone vomiting and not being able to get away. Unfortunately it seemed kids puked at school every single day so my phobia went on until I finally left.

I can totally understand if she's afraid she's going to throw up again and that's why she's so tearful. Nobody wants to be that kid who throws up in front of everyone. It's embarrassing. I hope she feels better soon.

 

[SmallWorld71]

Is she fine the rest of the day?
It sounds like her anxiety is first thing in the morning at the before care program?
If I'm reading this right, then I would say one of 2 things is the issue. Either the problem is connected to the morning program or the problem is connected to you/ home. Now, please understand that I am not saying you did something, only that there is a reason she doesn't want to be apart from you.
For example, I work with first and second graders and it can be pretty common to see this type of reaction if someone has died. It can be an extended family member, but it can also be a classmates family member, someone they heard about on the news etc.. They become afraid to let their parent out of sight for fear they may not see them again, but can't verbalize it. Or maybe they heard about a fire or other tragedy/ scary thing... Once their day starts in earnest, the children are usually fine, but the transition can be heart wrenching. I would watch for signs of separation anxiety in other scenarios.
Would it be possible to take a break from the morning program for a short while and have a sitter or someone else in the morning for a few days? If her anxiety stops immediately when she doesn't have to go to the morning program, then that may be your source. If it continues, then you probably need to look elsewhere to find the root of the problem.
Good luck.

 

[Dawnlight]

You've gotten some good advice from previous posters, but I'd keep a watch for a little while longer before going to a therapist or even the school counselor.

All of my kids have gone through transitions at the age of 5-6. I think it has to do with them leaving the toddler stage and moving into the next stage. It repeated at ages 10-11. It could very well be that this is just her transitioning from one stage to the next.

 

[Mizzoufan]

I would also email the school counselor.

 

[Tiffylv]

.

 

[pittypat]

My son had this exact problem in first grade. He had a WONDERFUL teacher who set aside a little spot in the classroom where he could slip off to when he felt anxious. He didn't have to raise his hand or anything, so he didn't call extra attention to himself. Actually the other children were quite sweet to him. She also gave him a "special notebook" where he could draw or write words about why he was anxious. I also totally agree with the person who suggested a touchstone. And we had little silly rituals that we did in the car on the way to school that seemed to shift his mind away from his fears. And my advice for you? Try to be patient. I would say it took 3-4 months before his anxiety eased. It felt like 3-4 years. I discovered that for my son anyway, the more I asked "why" the worse it became. Good luck and hugs to both of you.

 

[StitchBuddy]

My niece went through this when she was little. Her mom gave her one of shirts she had worn. They eventually cut it into several piece incase it ever got lost. She kept a small piece in her pocket with her all the time until she was 9 or 10 yrs old.