We set that hard boundary with my husbands daughter years ago. We do not have dogs and theirs was a big dog with poor manners. No, do not bring your dog here. We never wavered. Now they have a different dog and the rules are the same. No one else has ever tried to bring their dog to my house, but my sister has this come up with her SIL. She too draws the line there. It’s your house OP. You make the rules.
I did not see the OP discouraging the cousin from visiting, only from staying in her home overnight when she does. She mentioned two things that would make having the cousin staying in her home difficult, the fact that she is a smoker and that the OP‘s mom is already staying there.
It's a horrible habit we have trained ourselves into - being "polite" over being honest.
The reason she is estranged from her sibling is complicated (isn’t it always) and I only hear one side of a story which I don’t want to be in the middle of. This cousin who wants to visit has a very bad temper at times and she will let someone have it with swearing, etc. That sort of thing has made the sibling relationship worse. Not saying sometimes her anger isn’t justified, but she handles it in a way that makes things worse instead of better.
THIS^ Our society has created so much false obligation, guilt for doing what is best for oneself, always putting ourselves last and somehow responsible for others' life situations.
Agree. OP never said she didn't want to spend time with her cousin. She did say plenty of things that are red flags and it is important for OP to set hard boundaries now so that the "kinship" isn't jeopardized by things going down the wrong path.
Some people just aren't compatible to be around for extended periods of time.
I absolutely have no problem turning down people that show up at my door (even for a quick visit) with their pets. So incredibly rude to think it is ok to bring animals into someone else's home without asking first.
There is only one dog that I allow in my home. It is my daughter's very well behaved, non-shedding miniature schnauzer. She always asks, and I love that darn dog. So I always say yes. Feelings have been hurt that I say no to other dogs. I just don't like all animals equally. Lol.
In people's efforts to not be rude, we often unconsciously tend towards lying, evading and passive aggressiveness instead.
Really just have THE conversation in the best way possible. "Hey we'd love to have you out, I'll be honest, we DO NOT do well with actual overnight guests though so we'd love to put you up in the local hotel for 2 nights. We have this great restaurant we want to go to. Maybe we can go shopping. What are your thoughts?" etc.
Brings a whole new level to the story. Reminds me of my SIL. Her DH has no interest in traveling. My DH traveled globally for work for many years. She would constantly ask him to take her with him (knowing he had a hotel and we had FF points she'd gladly ask for). Seriously?! He would just ignore her, change conversation etc. Now she has so far managed to go on a cruise with 6 couples (and just her) and this year went to a romantic part of Mexico with a cousin and his wife (just her 
). Why not with her female relatives (has two DILs) or a group of girlfriends? Maybe none of them want to travel with her ..... Some people just don't get it so the best response is ignore them.
That is not true at all. We always make time to see her and meet for lunch when we're in her area. It's an enjoyable time! We saw her and had lunch just last year. I am happy to have her come to our house and see my mom. My mom will love sharing stories and visiting with her, but my mom also doesn't want her staying here overnight either. We already have four people in our home. It's just a fact that with some people a little bit of time together goes a long way!
this would prevent me from having any association with paying for the hotel. if she goes off on someone you do not need your name/reputation tied to it b/c your name is somehow tied via a credit card to the lodging.
then you need to be direct. don't get into it unless she brings up the subject of visiting and then just directly say that you need to make her aware before she makes any plans that she will need to make her own lodging arrangements b/c you can't accommodate any overnite visitors. in fact-if she's a heavy smoker, esp. with your mom being 91, i would tell her that she's going to need to keep in mind that visits with your mom at your home will have to be limited in duration (if she's there for hours on end and going outside to smoke the smell will end up in your home-not good for lungs period, very bad for 91 year old ones).
I think this is the best explanation.
I really like this quote! Different than being sensitive to whether someone can afford something, like the hotel above, I take the quote to be saying that it's not healthy to constantly think about other people having more than you do.
