Anticipating family member will want to stay with us

[Liz]

I have a first cousin that lives on the other side of the country. Her parents have died and she is permanently estranged from her only sibling. She is moving much closer to us - 500 miles away instead of 2000.

She is excited that it will be easier for us to see each other. We are in touch daily through texts (usually initiated by her - it's a lot, but she doesn't have many people in her life.) I'm sure she will travel here once she's living so much closer. She's never asked to stay with us and I've never offered, but I am thinking it's assumed on her part. Just wondering how to handle this because we do have a guest room so if she comes to our house and I've told her she can't stay here, well, it will be awkward.

We aren't people with extra money, but I'd be willing to pay for a hotel just down the road (Comfort Inn) for maybe two nights. It would be worth it. I believe she smokes and I wouldn't want her smoking at our house (even outside), so I was thinking that might be my best reason to say a hotel would be a better fit. Plus, I think she would be uncomfortable in our house because my elderly mother lives with us and we have to keep the thermostat at 78. It's warm.

We love my cousin as family, but meeting her for lunch every few years when we were visiting her current area has been preferable to a longer visit. Other than DNA, we have very little in common. Any suggestions on the best way to handle this so no one is left feeling bad or unwanted?

 

[PrincessShmoo]

Any suggestions on the best way to handle this so no one is left feeling bad or unwanted?

Being upfront is the best way. "I'd love for you to stay at our house, but, for your comfort, we don't allow smoking on the premises. Can we help with the cost of a (nearby) hotel?"

 

[Dan Murphy]

Being upfront is the best way. "I'd love for you to stay at our house, but, for your comfort, we don't allow smoking on the premises. Can we help with the cost of a (nearby) hotel?"

This sounds good to me, @Liz.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

I would think that if she were intending to stay with you she would have said something.

 

[fly girl]

Exactly as @PrincessShmoo said, if you are gracious enough to offer a hotel for a few days and tactfully explain the circumstances to why a hotel is better fit (smoking, your mom) than there is nothing more to say. If she doesn't understand, that is on her.

And it is very kind of you to offer the hotel.

 

[fla4fun]

Being upfront is the best way. "I'd love for you to stay at our house, but, for your comfort, we don't allow smoking on the premises. Can we help with the cost of a (nearby) hotel?"

While I agree with most of this statement, and with the idea of clear communication, beginning with “I’d love for you to stay at our house, but” leaves an opening for the cousin to say “I have stopped smoking, so I can stay, no problem.” which then puts the OP in an uncomfortable situation.

I would start the conversation early, when the cousin first mentions coming to visit. Perhaps by saying something like “I am looking forward to visiting with you. Which hotel will you be staying in?” and if the cousin hints at staying with the OP, the OP can simply say they aren’t able to accommodate overnight guests. They don’t have to explain any further than that. Just because you appear to have a guest room doesn’t mean guests are required to be accommodated in it. Be kind, but be firm.

 

[TheIncredibles!]

I have a first cousin that lives on the other side of the country. Her parents have died and she is permanently estranged from her only sibling. She is moving much closer to us - 500 miles away instead of 2000.

She is excited that it will be easier for us to see each other. We are in touch daily through texts (usually initiated by her - it's a lot, but she doesn't have many people in her life.) I'm sure she will travel here once she's living so much closer. She's never asked to stay with us and I've never offered, but I am thinking it's assumed on her part. Just wondering how to handle this because we do have a guest room so if she comes to our house and I've told her she can't stay here, well, it will be awkward.

We aren't people with extra money, but I'd be willing to pay for a hotel just down the road (Comfort Inn) for maybe two nights. It would be worth it. I believe she smokes and I wouldn't want her smoking at our house (even outside), so I was thinking that might be my best reason to say a hotel would be a better fit. Plus, I think she would be uncomfortable in our house because my elderly mother lives with us and we have to keep the thermostat at 78. It's warm.

We love my cousin as family, but meeting her for lunch every few years when we were visiting her current area has been preferable to a longer visit. Other than DNA, we have very little in common. Any suggestions on the best way to handle this so no one is left feeling bad or unwanted?

I invited my step mother this last summer and told her where she was staying lol. Worked out great

 

[LuvOrlando]

Hmmm, you might have a tough time paying for the hotel because then she might expect you to do that for every trip and that could become a monster problem in a hurry. What if she figures the visits are free and comes once a month or for every holiday thinking it is on you?

You might want to start to send her random info about hotels near you and they you are looking for places she might like when she comes for a visit to set expectations. Be careful how you word it like, "Hey, I was driving by this spot and thought it would be a great fit for when you come to see us. They have a shuttle/they have breakfast/they have a pool etc!" This way you can set expectations early and avoid conflict, if she doesn't want to pay she doesn't come.

 

[_19disnA]

I wouldn't feel compelled to pay her hotel costs, seems unnecessary to me. If you were very wealthy and she was perhaps unemployed, then it might be different. I would certainly discuss with her ahead of time that you think it be better if she stays at a hotel. This avoids confusion later on. Someone shouldn't ASSUME they are welcome to stay at your home without having discussed it with you.

500 miles is far enough away that I doubt this will be a common occurrence for her to visit. The fact you indicated you have very little in common also doesn't sound like someone you expect as a frequent visitor.

The out of town guest should have enough self-awareness to not assume they can impose by staying at your house. Since you indicated you are already busy with an elderly parent, that can take up a LOT of your time/energy. There is clearly nothing wrong in telling them you prefer they stay at a hotel if they plan to visit. No one should feel compelled to have someone stay at your home if it doesn't work for BOTH parties.

 

[Micca]

And it's not like 500 miles is a hop, skip, and a jump. But I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who walks a thousand miles
To fall down at your door

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I would probably be inclined to say that having your mother there is about as much as you can handle.

 

[Liz]

Thank you! All great ideas!

 

[sam_gordon]

I agree with others...
1) 500 miles is not a "spur of the moment" kind of trip. It's still 8+ hours.
2) Don't offer your guest room, tell her you can help pick hotel rooms if she needs it. If she says "can't I stay with you", then you can come back and say something about no smoking in the house and you don't want her to be tempted. I'm sure she'll say "I won't smoke inside." Then what?

 

[HopperFan]

Just observing from the outside some things ~

~ She is estranged from her sibling. Why?
~ She doesn't have many people in her life. Why?
~ Daily texts mostly initiated by her. Seems like a lot with so little in common.
~ She is traveling ... just to you ... no other reason ... just you?
~ If someone is traveling to be with one person only, bet they are assuming 24/7.
~ Is she from your area? Why is she moving so far and so close to you? Are you the reason?

Be very careful what door you open here. If she brings up a visit for sure give her the names of several hotels that might work and be near things of interest. Tell her when she is ready to make plans let you know so that you can set aside time to meet for lunch or dinner or visit local sites of interest. Find a cool place that you can offer to treat her.

I live 500 miles from Disney World and I assure you if I had a free place to stay, possibly meals provided and minimal cost I'd gladly go monthly. If she truly has no one in her life then driving to visit you for long weekends would be something she is looking to do. You need to nip this in the bud from the beginning so all goes smooth.

Bottom line your house right now is geared around your mother, she is your priority and overnight company is not something you are up for. Get a baseline of expectation done now. Good luck!

 

[prairie_girl]

Hmmm, you might have a tough time paying for the hotel because then she might expect you to do that for every trip and that could become a monster problem in a hurry. What if she figures the visits are free and comes once a month or for every holiday thinking it is on you?

You might want to start to send her random info about hotels near you and they you are looking for places she might like when she comes for a visit to set expectations. Be careful how you word it like, "Hey, I was driving by this spot and thought it would be a great fit for when you come to see us. They have a shuttle/they have breakfast/they have a pool etc!" This way you can set expectations early and avoid conflict, if she doesn't want to pay she doesn't come.

This seems too passive aggressive. Plus, if the cousin then says oh, no, I don’t need a hotel, then you have to have the conversation anyway so might as well be upfront from the start.

At least that’s my .02

 

[sk!mom]

I have a first cousin that lives on the other side of the country. Her parents have died and she is permanently estranged from her only sibling. She is moving much closer to us - 500 miles away instead of 2000.

She is excited that it will be easier for us to see each other. We are in touch daily through texts (usually initiated by her - it's a lot, but she doesn't have many people in her life.) I'm sure she will travel here once she's living so much closer. She's never asked to stay with us and I've never offered, but I am thinking it's assumed on her part. Just wondering how to handle this because we do have a guest room so if she comes to our house and I've told her she can't stay here, well, it will be awkward.

We aren't people with extra money, but I'd be willing to pay for a hotel just down the road (Comfort Inn) for maybe two nights. It would be worth it. I believe she smokes and I wouldn't want her smoking at our house (even outside), so I was thinking that might be my best reason to say a hotel would be a better fit. Plus, I think she would be uncomfortable in our house because my elderly mother lives with us and we have to keep the thermostat at 78. It's warm.

We love my cousin as family, but meeting her for lunch every few years when we were visiting her current area has been preferable to a longer visit. Other than DNA, we have very little in common. Any suggestions on the best way to handle this so no one is left feeling bad or

This makes me so sad. So many lonely people
In the world, yet you’re trying to figure out how to keep her from visiting before she’s even suggested it much less over stayed her welcome.

 

[LuvOrlando]

This seems too passive aggressive. Plus, if the cousin then says oh, no, I don’t need a hotel, then you have to have the conversation anyway so might as well be upfront from the start.

At least that’s my .02

How would you start the conversation that the person needs to be somewhere else? I would try to drop hints but maybe there is a better way. The smoking would be a no go for me too so I get the OPs dilemma.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

When we moved 700 miles away from our friends and family, we assumed the comments about coming to visit us were empty promises. Welp, no, turns out many of those people were serious so I have been in this situation with roughly a dozen different people/parties. (Some have followed through with making the trip, not all, but the logistics about where they would stay has been discussed with everyone.) The thing is, I don’t even have a one-size-fits-all answer regarding houseguests. Some are welcome and some are not, and some of them know others were welcomed when they were not.

My in-laws? Please, come stay with us, make yourself at home and spend some time with your grandkids. My best friend of 34 years? You are an extension of me, please don’t ever leave. Those other family members, though? You guys smoke weed daily and I’m not trying to bring illegal activity onto my property. And those friends over there have too many kids and it would just be too hectic. You guys, there are too many of you visiting at once and you, well, you’re best taken in small doses.

So, when discussing a visit, some get a description of the accommodations we have available for them and others get “here’s my address so you can look up nearby hotels.” Most people are quickly onboard with getting a hotel so as to not intrude or to have their own privacy (or save face, because they’ve been told that’s where they need to stay. ) And when they visit again, they are the first to bring up which hotel they’ll be staying at.

If your cousin pushes back, just say you aren’t set up for guests. If she brings up the guest room, just say it’s being used for storage, currently.

I will say, I one time took pity on a friend who I diverted to a hotel and covered the cost for her. I came to regret that decision and won’t do it again. Boundaries are good. They are a healthy thing to have in relationships and they won’t be the same for every relationship.

 

[nw6675]

You do not have to feel guilty. You can say no and rightfully so. Don't bring it up, don't offer, and don't feel compelled to pay for the hotel. It is truly ok.

Some might think we are awful, but we do this with our son and family. We have a small house. We'd love to see you, but make your arrangements. Just like when we visit you.

 

[nw6675]

*and you are responsible for your dogs. They are not coming here.