Another would you be offended question

[sunshinehighway]

You're right, we don't know the family dynamics at play so it is just as possible that the sister did do this knowing it would cause an issue.

In your opinion there was no offense intended but obviously the husband felt otherwise. In the end he is allowed to feel that way and no one here can tell him to "just get over it".

He can feel how he wants but ultimately he has to just get over it. It's really not something that's worth causing a big family drama over. It just makes him look bad.

Clearly the sister felt the time spent together was more important than $300. What's he going to do, make her apologize? " I'm sorry I offended you by thinking spending time with you and your family is worth more than $300."

 

[SydSim]

I would think that the sister really wanted her sis to join them at the shore, so she sent the money to make it happen.

Hubby, that's just manly pride. What man would want people to (possibly) think that he can't provide for his family needs & wants?

I have a good friend who has fallen on hard times every now and then. I have wanted to gift her with some cash quite often (and trust me, I'm not rich and my money is tight at times). I thought that she may not take the money, just because, so I have often thought about sending it to her anonymously.

If I had the money, I would take my family on a wonderful cruise and pay for everything - not because I don't think they can't afford it, but to ensure that everyone can go.

 

[ronandannette]

You're right, we don't know the family dynamics at play so it is just as possible that the sister did do this knowing it would cause an issue.

In your opinion there was no offense intended but obviously the husband felt otherwise. In the end he is allowed to feel that way and no one here can tell him to "just get over it".

Of course he CAN feel however he feels, but I still don't agree there was anything offensive done (unless Eliza's work friend left out a lot of important aspects of the story). And how exactly will staying mad help anything? As a poster up-thread said, should the sister have apologized for sending a gift that his wife eagerly accepted? If the gift had been an expensive piece of jewelry or electronics instead if cash would the issue be the same?

I have to agree with SydSim that pridefulness is at play here. And what kind of person would rather have his family simply do without something good they could have simply to spare his own feelings?

 

[lizabu]

I think it was something very sweet for the sister to do. If the lady didn't want people to know money way tight she shouldn't have blabbed about it. And if husband is going to be upset at anyone it should be with wife who is telling people their business rather than a family member making a kind gesture.

 

[declansdad]

He can feel how he wants but ultimately he has to just get over it. It's really not something that's worth causing a big family drama over. It just makes him look bad.

Clearly the sister felt the time spent together was more important than $300. What's he going to do, make her apologize? " I'm sorry I offended you by thinking spending time with you and your family is worth more than $300."

I would think that the sister really wanted her sis to join them at the shore, so she sent the money to make it happen.

Hubby, that's just manly pride. What man would want people to (possibly) think that he can't provide for his family needs & wants?

I have a good friend who has fallen on hard times every now and then. I have wanted to gift her with some cash quite often (and trust me, I'm not rich and my money is tight at times). I thought that she may not take the money, just because, so I have often thought about sending it to her anonymously.

If I had the money, I would take my family on a wonderful cruise and pay for everything - not because I don't think they can't afford it, but to ensure that everyone can go.

Of course he CAN feel however he feels, but I still don't agree there was anything offensive done (unless Eliza's work friend left out a lot of important aspects of the story). And how exactly will staying mad help anything? As a poster up-thread said, should the sister have apologized for sending a gift that his wife eagerly accepted? If the gift had been an expensive piece of jewelry or electronics instead if cash would the issue be the same?

I have to agree with SydSim that pridefulness is at play here. And what kind of person would rather have his family simply do without something good they could have simply to spare his own feelings?

Unless the family specifically asks for financial help, sending random cash will cause issues within the family. There is a difference between a family member saying that they are taking a family on an all-expenses paid trip and simply sending them money. A trip says you want to spend time with ALL of the family, sending one person money says you feel that they can't look after themselves.

 

[jrmasm]

Unless the family specifically asks for financial help, sending random cash will cause issues within the family. There is a difference between a family member saying that they are taking a family on an all-expenses paid trip and simply sending them money. A trip says you want to spend time with ALL of the family, sending one person money says you feel that they can't look after themselves.

Or it could mean "I love you and I want to do something nice for you."

 

[sunshinehighway]

Unless the family specifically asks for financial help, sending random cash will cause issues within the family. There is a difference between a family member saying that they are taking a family on an all-expenses paid trip and simply sending them money. A trip says you want to spend time with ALL of the family, sending one person money says you feel that they can't look after themselves.

It wasn't random cash. Since the wife had already spoken to her sister about why they couldn't visit, the note that came with the money makes it clear the money is so they can come to visit. It's the same as a trip.

 

[declansdad]

It wasn't random cash. Since the wife had already spoken to her sister about why they couldn't visit, the note that came with the money makes it clear the money is so they can come to visit. It's the same as a trip.

It wasn't asked for so it is random. It not the same as gifting them a trip, it was not sent until they had a discussion of money being tight.

The OP didn't say the friend was broke or having financial difficulties, just that money was tight because of summer and back to school spending. Unsolicited financial help is insulting if it is not really needed.

 

[kamik86]

I wouldn't be offended. My sister gave me a pretty big loan when I first graduated from college because I was totally broke after having 2 weeks off work, three weeks after starting my new job before my first big paycheck would come in and having to pay for my first months rent, security deposit, moving costs, etc. I wasn't offended and neither was my husband. We thought "great now we can afford decent food for the next three weeks" two months later it was all paid back and I booked my first Disney trip (my sign on bonus and first few paychecks had arrived by then)

When I got my first apartment my older sister was in her late 20s They were first starting to replace alot of the old pots and pans and cooking stuff with nicer stuff and she gave me a ton. including the table that is still my dining room table.

Now I'm in my late 20s and her daughter just got her first apartment. We have a box in the trunk to bring to her.

My husband did when we first started going out it did take a bit to adjust to this. His family isn't very close doesn't get together often and frankly he now realizes most of them are toxic and selfish. However he now gets it and has no problems with the gifts. In either direction.

 

[mom2rtk]

What happens if the family in question was just looking for a tactful way to not go to the shore? Maybe they wanted to just spend some quiet time with their immediate family prior to the hustle and bustle of school starting? They no longer have an easy tactful out. That's where stuff like this gets messy.

 

[declansdad]

I wouldn't be offended. My sister gave me a pretty big loan when I first graduated from college because I was totally broke after having 2 weeks off work, three weeks after starting my new job before my first big paycheck would come in and having to pay for my first months rent, security deposit, moving costs, etc. I wasn't offended and neither was my husband. We thought "great now we can afford decent food for the next three weeks" two months later it was all paid back and I booked my first Disney trip (my sign on bonus and first few paychecks had arrived by then)

When I got my first apartment my older sister was in her late 20s They were first starting to replace alot of the old pots and pans and cooking stuff with nicer stuff and she gave me a ton. including the table that is still my dining room table.

Now I'm in my late 20s and her daughter just got her first apartment. We have a box in the trunk to bring to her.

My husband did when we first started going out it did take a bit to adjust to this. His family isn't very close doesn't get together often and frankly he now realizes most of them are toxic and selfish. However he now gets it and has no problems with the gifts. In either direction.

Loan vs gift...there is a difference.

Helping someone getting started out vs giving money to an established family, again big difference.

We have helped out younger family members with furniture and appliance just as others have help us. In all cases we asked if they would like the items or were asked if we wanted them.

 

[eliza61]

Very interesting view points.

Just wanted to add, that I can't answer a lot of questions because I really don't know. lol.

My coworker seemed very baffled that her hubby thought it was insulting. She did not say it caused any problems, just that she didn't understand what the problem was and wanted our opinion. She sounded like she was having her normal chat with her sister.
She did go to the Shore and meet up with her sister and family.

I am extremely close to my siblings, especially my sister. we talk about money, sex, rock and roll, lol. my sister was there at the birth of my oldest and at the hospital when my husband died. she's been helping me through my grief and depression, She has seen me literally at my best and worst so I can honestly say there really isn't much she doesn't know about me and vice a versa.

It's funny because I have a cousin who is kinda going through a rough patch and I did think of sending her a few bucks to treat herself to a facial and hair appointment. Now I am sort of wondering if it would insult her.

 

[3Gsandme]

I also think it was a nice gesture on the part of the sister. If they have that type of relationship and the sister was doing well enough to spare it and wanted to, why not?

If the husband is offended then there are either two things going on:

1. He is insecure
2. He's not insecure and the wife was complaining which made him feel bad.

My siblings both live out of state and are younger than me ( 6 and 12 years) we're not wealthy, but we have more discretionary income than them. If they've alluded to not being able to afford a visit, we help. The time with them is more important than any amount of money we give to them (usually gas money to drive in and then we feed them). I don't think it's anything to get offended over.

 

[Arielle22]

In my family, no one would be offended. We each have paid for small things (manicures) or big things (Disney trips) when a sibling is going through hard times.


We all know when one is having a hard time financially and may do something to slightly ease the burden.

To me that is what family is all about. I think it comes down to what your idea of family is. I have noticed lots of people on the Dis who think family is just their spouse and children. To me, family is spouse, children, mine and DH's siblings and spouses along with nieces and nephews.

 

[LBIJim]

What happens if the family in question was just looking for a tactful way to not go to the shore? Maybe they wanted to just spend some quiet time with their immediate family prior to the hustle and bustle of school starting? They no longer have an easy tactful out. That's where stuff like this gets messy.

Yes, I was thinking that maybe the woman didn't WANT to spend the weekend down the shore with her sister, and was looking for a tactful excuse.

If the woman asked for the money, or if the sister offered and the woman accepted, fine. But just sending the money after the declined invitation because YOU want your sister to visit? Nope, not fine. MYOFB, sister.

 

[declansdad]

Yes, I was thinking that maybe the woman didn't WANT to spend the weekend down the shore with her sister, and was looking for a tactful excuse.

If the woman asked for the money, or if the sister offered and the woman accepted, fine. But just sending the money after the declined invitation because YOU want your sister to visit? Nope, not fine. MYOFB, sister.

 

[Chuckers]

It's funny because I have a cousin who is kinda going through a rough patch and I did think of sending her a few bucks to treat herself to a facial and hair appointment. Now I am sort of wondering if it would insult her.

Cash might be misconstrued, but I bet you could send her a gift certificate to a salon or something of that nature. You can even tell her you "won" the gift certificate and thought she could have a little 'me time'.

 

[blana]

Hmm. The way it was done bothers me. If the sister had said (during the initial conversation), "Oh, I don't want you to worry about the money! This weekend is on us!", then it wouldn't have felt as odd. But sending cash through the mail because CW said not this time due to financial constraints seems, well, icky.

 

[Angelhalo]

I wouldn't be offended. I'd be incredibly appreciative and view the gift card as a nice gesture. And when I had the opportunity to do so, I'd pay it forward.

Ditto. Someone saw the opportunity to give her a blessing. I would be thankful and gracious. What a wonderful act of kindness whether it was "necessary" or not.

Seriously we have so many bad things going on in our world and so many hardships in life. Why in the world would I be offended and take something away from my relative's amazing gesture? If we spend our whole lives being so prideful, then we miss out on being able to truly appreciate moments like this.

Of course, I am also from the south where people do things like this for each other all the time. So it doesn't seem odd or offensive at all to me. Just people caring about other people.

 

[Lynne M]

I can't see being offended, either. Instead of trying to figure out what she meant, and reading all kinds of offense and insult into it, I'd just pick up the phone and ask her.

If it were me, I would very affectionately say to my husband, "get over yourself, love, I'm sure she doesn't think you're a deadbeat", call my sister, and say "hey, sweet kind sis, got your gift....was this meant to pay for our trip to the shore? Or did you misunderstand and think I meant that cash is so tight we're eating out of dumpsters?"

Much laughing would ensue, and everything would be fine. And whatever we decided to do with the money, I would be sure to thank my sister for being so kind. And I'd do something extra-nice for her when my finances were better.