Another Child when one is Autistic?

[PaulaSue]

I know 2 families.

One has 3 kids and middle is autistic.

One has 2 kids and both are autistic.

Good Luck with your choice!!!

 

[Dina]

My son has sensory integration (autism spectrum), though they are thinking about screening him again for autism now. I actually didn't find out until he was 3, so I already had my second. My second really doesn't seem to exhibit any signs of it. Though, I'll be honest, the only reason we're not having a 3rd is financial reasons. Being an only child, I think siblings are such an enormous gift. I honestly think one of the most wonderful things you can do for a child is give him/her a sibling. I do understand how difficult it is though, Aidan's tantrum were soooo tough, so you have to do what's best for your family, and of course if having another would drive you over the edge emotionally and physically (I lost a bit of my patience with Aidan when my second was born-- at the time I didn't realize he had a problem), then that's of course even worse for your child, then having him/her be an only child. But, if you think you can handle it... there's nothing in the world I would have liked more, while growing up, then to have had a sibling.

 

[twojo21]

i personally wouldnt.

 

[Brightsy]

I have two kids, both boys. My older son is 6 yrs. and has ADHD. (Runs in the family so I was more than prepped for it.) My younger son just turned 4 and was diagnosed with Autism when he was 28 months old. (or thereabouts)
My DH and I discussed the issue, and still do now and then, about a third child.
We've pretty much decided against it. We feel it's kind of selfish of us to bring a child into the world knowing the difficulties he/she might face. To us it seems that there's a progression here... oldest w/ ADHD, younger with ASD (albeit high functioning and poss. gifted), knowing our luck a third child would likely have even worse issues.
Plus these boys of our take so much energy and time to raise we're afraid that another child might cause someone to lose out. I am not sure I've got what it takes to mother 3 kids with special needs. So, we've opted not to try to have anymore kids. But neither have we taken "permanent" measures against it. So for us there's still a small element of chance.

Sara

 

[Maryr1]

I too have struggled with this. My DD8 is ADHD.CAPD, ODD. We adopted her at birth.(I note that because it has been mentioned that adoption is an option-however it is very possible to adopt a child with these issues too). I am now 45 and feel it is too late to try to adopt a second child. My daughter is mainstreamed at school with an aide, but only because we have her in a private school. The local public school would have her in a 12:1:1 "skills" class if she was there.DD is also developementally delayed-emotionally she is about a 5 Y.O.I am very worried that when I am gone she will have nobody to look after her. That being said I also watched my mother look after her disabled brother(who lived in a group home). After he passed away (at the age of 75) I took my mother on vacation and she mentioned in passing that it was the first time in her adult life that she had gone on vacation and not worried about her brother passing or being ill or something. My mother was 78 at the time. So, I see both sides and still have no comfort zone on this topic.I keep my affairs in order and have a guardian for my daughter and TONS of insurance etc. to care for her, but still the thought of her alone is scary. The thought of giving a sibling a lifelong responsibility is not easy either. I am very glad we can share here-it is hard to go this road alone!

 

[HayGan]

I can relate to many of the stories/experiences posted here.

My DS#1 (5) is diagnosed as PDD-NOS. He and DS#2 are 20 months apart. We started noticing signs of DS#1's regression shortly before DS#2 was born. He wasn't officially diagnosed as being in the spectrum until he was 3 1/2 but did recieve EI from the age of 2 1/2. He has made so much progress in the past three years and I think that having his brother so close in age has helped him tremendously! They have been reaching developmental milestones together and are best friends. It hasn't been all roses and although DS#2 is not in the spectrum, he has had delays which we believe can be attributed to modeling his brother (mainly speech.) Despite that, I wouldn't have it any other way.

I think that the decision to have additional children is hard for anyone but especially those with children with special needs. You never know what you are going to get with a natural or adopted child. I think that you have to evaluate your own situation and how you could handle an additional child whether they have special needs or not.

I wish you the best of luck in your decision as the decision to bring another life into this world is never an easy one!

 

[kdtwiss]

But - I have to say a few things. My first born child is autistic, he also has 3 younger siblings. It was scary as heck being pregnant with my second child - wondering and worrying all the time. I watched him so carefully when he was first born, and truthfully I remember when he was about a month old thinking - if he is going to be autistic he is going to be much worse than Keannor. My oldest had been an absolute joy as an infant - smiled at me the day he was born, not his little brother. He was just a grumpy serious little thing. He did not smile at all for about 2 months. I did nothing different with him - I breastfed, coslept and carried both of them pretty much 24/7. Here is the difference though. When my oldest was a baby,during labor I had Pitocin and an epidural then he had his Hep B shot at the hospital. My feeling is that the Pitocin probably taxed his liver causing him to not only be jaundiced but not to be able to rid his tiny little body of the mercury in that shot. Then his 2 month shots and 4 months shots with bad reactions (in my opinion- doc thought he was fine) but it was enough that I switched doctors and ended vaccinating him. I feel blessed that I did that as I feel it contributed somewhat to him doing fairly well with language,and social ties. He does pretty well. When he was diagnosed at 2.9 years as ASD, I started my research on vaccines. The thinking at the time was that the DPT shot (which is different from the DTaP shot given now) was possibly to blame.Because I wanted to be sure I did absolutely everything to avoid WHATEVER it could have been that caused my son to be autistic I went to a midwife/birth center for all my other children and had no pain drugs whatsoever (a very scary decision given my first labor)
when my second child was born I allowed him to get the HepB shot at birth, and the Hib shot at 2 and 4 months. It was then that my second son really began to worry me with his lack of interest or joy I had seen in my oldest. I started researching like crazy and to my dismay - it was not just the DPT that was thought then to be the trigger - but the mercury in the shots. I discontinued vaccinating him at that point. I again feel blessed to have found this information, as I just feel so strongly his path would have been so terribly different form the one he is on now. He is not autistic, but has had some sensory issues especially wrt eating. He has some OCD tendencies and is socially very awkward. He is however just brilliant and a little love to me, it is very difficult for him to be affectionate with others. He only began being able to hug me when he was about 5. My next child was a girl - no vaccines - no issues (aside from being extremely willful!) and my last- a little boy no shots and only slight OCD issues. No social or sensory problems.
What I have taken from my experience (and mine only) is that it seems likely the reason boys are more likely to be autistic than girls is that they simply most likely have more factors predisposing them to be sensitive to whatever enviornmental factors come into play. Research actually does show testosterone inhibits the excretion of mercury, while estogen seems to have a beneficial effect. I have three boys all with the predisposition for ASD , my oldest with the most triggers (shots and possible exposure to mercury via breastmilk and prolonged nursing) got it the worst, my next - same predispostion, but fewer triggers, sensory and social isuues, my last even fewer triggers - only very slight OCD issues. My girl who just does not have that predispostion is unaffected.
The reason I write all this instead of just saying you should or should not try for another child is this _ i truly believe autism can ALMOST always be PREVENTED. I believe with ASD in the family - even in the extended family one needs to be super cautious with mercury exposure, and also allergies in infancy, which can also be involved with ASD. I would research like crazy all the time the theories of the causes of autism - and do not dismiss anything - you can not be too cautious when a child's life is concerned. If you will be breastfeeding and have mercury fillings - I would find a reputable dentist who will carefully remove and replace those fillings and then wait a good long while (not sure what is recommended) before trying to conceive. I would avoid drugs if at all possible during labor. I am not saying that the drugs given during labor cause autism, I just feel that it may get the ball rolling in the wrong direction. None of my other children were jaundiced. It is my opinion that then drugs do tax the baby's liver - which seems to make perfect sense. A taxed liver is less likely to be able to keep up with what it needs to do causing the baby to become jaundiced. The jaundice further taxes the liver and then we introduce mercury or even a vaccine in general at that point? How can we not expect something to happen? Anyway off my soap box -
having younger siblings has been such a blessing for Keannor - other children would not put in the time and effort to draw him out - they do . Some ASD kids need to be literally forced to play with others - who else but a sibling will do that? Who else will shower an older sibling with love and attention even when he thinks he does not want it? My son has learned more from his daily life with his siblings about how to play, learn and even be naughty (which he finds terribly amusing) than he could ever learn at school. I could not imagine his life (nor mine ) without them. I wish you the absolute best of luck in whatever you decide. I hope noone is offended by anything I have said -

editing to add -
my oldest son is 12 now, I just thought that may be important - I know some people feel the vaccine thing is just something some people cling onto when they hear it so they have a REASON for what happened to their child. I knew 12 years ago the shots did something to him - I just did not know what. Research is only now beginning to bear that out...
California autism rates have declined for their first time in over a decade. Just one positive thing!

 

[minkydog]

This is a hard decision, one i'm sure you & your DH are taking very seriously. I have three kids. The youngest is severely autistic,but our oldest has by far been the most troublesome(Thankfully DD12 is normal.) He is bipolar and his ups are fantastic, but his downs are deadly. Autism has been a piece of cake in comparison. However difficult oldest DS has been(and he is really a wonderful child) I have never regretted having him nor the other two. We felt that if we could deal with it the first time, we could deal with it again. And we have.

Only you know what your limits are. And it's okay to say no. My DH did, after #3. I wanted more, but we were in our 40's and DH just felt like he was at the limit. As it turns out, he was a wise man. He became disabled 2 years ago(age 47!) and now i'm the primary caregiver. One more child would put me over the edge.
D

 

[mbb]

But - I have to say a few things. My first born child is autistic, he also has 3 younger siblings. It was scary as heck being pregnant with my second child - wondering and worrying all the time. I watched him so carefully when he was first born, and truthfully I remember when he was about a month old thinking - if he is going to be autistic he is going to be much worse than Keannor. My oldest had been an absolute joy as an infant - smiled at me the day he was born, not his little brother. He was just a grumpy serious little thing. He did not smile at all for about 2 months. I did nothing different with him - I breastfed, coslept and carried both of them pretty much 24/7. Here is the difference though. When my oldest was a baby,during labor I had Pitocin and an epidural then he had his Hep B shot at the hospital. My feeling is that the Pitocin probably taxed his liver causing him to not only be jaundiced but not to be able to rid his tiny little body of the mercury in that shot. Then his 2 month shots and 4 months shots with bad reactions (in my opinion- doc thought he was fine) but it was enough that I switched doctors and ended vaccinating him. I feel blessed that I did that as I feel it contributed somewhat to him doing fairly well with language,and social ties. He does pretty well. When he was diagnosed at 2.9 years as ASD, I started my research on vaccines. The thinking at the time was that the DPT shot (which is different from the DTaP shot given now) was possibly to blame.Because I wanted to be sure I did absolutely everything to avoid WHATEVER it could have been that caused my son to be autistic I went to a midwife/birth center for all my other children and had no pain drugs whatsoever (a very scary decision given my first labor)
when my second child was born I allowed him to get the HepB shot at birth, and the Hib shot at 2 and 4 months. It was then that my second son really began to worry me with his lack of interest or joy I had seen in my oldest. I started researching like crazy and to my dismay - it was not just the DPT that was thought then to be the trigger - but the mercury in the shots. I discontinued vaccinating him at that point. I again feel blessed to have found this information, as I just feel so strongly his path would have been so terribly different form the one he is on now. He is not autistic, but has had some sensory issues especially wrt eating. He has some OCD tendencies and is socially very awkward. He is however just brilliant and a little love to me, it is very difficult for him to be affectionate with others. He only began being able to hug me when he was about 5. My next child was a girl - no vaccines - no issues (aside from being extremely willful!) and my last- a little boy no shots and only slight OCD issues. No social or sensory problems.
What I have taken from my experience (and mine only) is that it seems likely the reason boys are more likely to be autistic than girls is that they simply most likely have more factors predisposing them to be sensitive to whatever enviornmental factors come into play. Research actually does show testosterone inhibits the excretion of mercury, while estogen seems to have a beneficial effect. I have three boys all with the predisposition for ASD , my oldest with the most triggers (shots and possible exposure to mercury via breastmilk and prolonged nursing) got it the worst, my next - same predispostion, but fewer triggers, sensory and social isuues, my last even fewer triggers - only very slight OCD issues. My girl who just does not have that predispostion is unaffected.
The reason I write all this instead of just saying you should or should not try for another child is this _ i truly believe autism can ALMOST always be PREVENTED. I believe with ASD in the family - even in the extended family one needs to be super cautious with mercury exposure, and also allergies in infancy, which can also be involved with ASD. I would research like crazy all the time the theories of the causes of autism - and do not dismiss anything - you can not be too cautious when a child's life is concerned. If you will be breastfeeding and have mercury fillings - I would find a reputable dentist who will carefully remove and replace those fillings and then wait a good long while (not sure what is recommended) before trying to conceive. I would avoid drugs if at all possible during labor. I am not saying that the drugs given during labor cause autism, I just feel that it may get the ball rolling in the wrong direction. None of my other children were jaundiced. It is my opinion that then drugs do tax the baby's liver - which seems to make perfect sense. A taxed liver is less likely to be able to keep up with what it needs to do causing the baby to become jaundiced. The jaundice further taxes the liver and then we introduce mercury or even a vaccine in general at that point? How can we not expect something to happen? Anyway off my soap box -
having younger siblings has been such a blessing for Keannor - other children would not put in the time and effort to draw him out - they do . Some ASD kids need to be literally forced to play with others - who else but a sibling will do that? Who else will shower an older sibling with love and attention even when he thinks he does not want it? My son has learned more from his daily life with his siblings about how to play, learn and even be naughty (which he finds terribly amusing) than he could ever learn at school. I could not imagine his life (nor mine ) without them. I wish you the absolute best of luck in whatever you decide. I hope noone is offended by anything I have said -

editing to add -
my oldest son is 12 now, I just thought that may be important - I know some people feel the vaccine thing is just something some people cling onto when they hear it so they have a REASON for what happened to their child. I knew 12 years ago the shots did something to him - I just did not know what. Research is only now beginning to bear that out...
California autism rates have declined for their first time in over a decade. Just one positive thing!

No flames here, ktdwiss

Just a thanks for a very well thought, and well expressed post...and I agree, we don't know. (Pitocin, bili-lights, we had it all with our boys.) Hopefully, someday, we will know...

I do feel that it is important to speak to - and a little OT - the risk/benefit ratio regarding vaccinations...Thimerosol, ie, mercury, has not been used in vaccinations in Canada for the last twenty years, and our ASD rates continue to rise...but other life threatening diseases, ie tuberculosis, mumps, rubella, etc..have been virtually eradicated.

Again, there's just too much yet to learn.

Please, I'm not responding to start a vaccination/non vaccination discussion. Just another point..and I hope I don't offend either.

Too hard being a parent, somedays, to engage in ******* with other parents that we want to support, and listen to. Especially when they take a child's life as seriously as we do

 

[SueM in MN]

Edited because my first sentence had both groups of people OVER the age of 30 - it should be this way:

Most people UNDER the age of 30 have never heard of Mercurochrome, but most people over the age of 30 were exposed to it frequently.

It was an over the counter antiseptic that most people had in their medicine chest since the 1930s. I remember being happy when I would get a cut or scrape because that meant I got to use some mercurochrome. It kind of stung, but the cool thing about it was the little dropper that you put it on with and the orange-red color of it. Until your mom made you stop, you could draw all over your body with it. The active ingredient in it was mercury, so it isn't on the market any more. But, most people over the age of 30 were exposed to quite a bit of mercury - and we got it right into our bloodstreams by painting the mercurochrome right onto the broken skin. Here's an interesting article about Mercurochrome.

PS. We also played with mercury when thermometers broke; now hospitals are have all non-mercury thermometers and if a thermometer breaks somewhere - it is considered a toxic spill.

 

[minkydog]

Most people over the age of 30 have never heard of Mercurochrome, but most people over the age of 30 were exposed to it frequently.

It was an over the counter antiseptic that most people had in their medicine chest since the 1930s. I remember being happy when I would get a cut or scrape because that meant I got to use some mercurochrome. It kind of stung, but the cool thing about it was the little dropper that you put it on with and the orange-red color of it. Until your mom made you stop, you could draw all over your body with it. The active ingredient in it was mercury, so it isn't on the market any more. But, most people over the age of 30 were exposed to quite a bit of mercury - and we got it right into our bloodstreams by painting the mercurochrome right onto the broken skin. Here's an interesting article about Mercurochrome.

PS. We also played with mercury when thermometers broke; now hospitals are have all non-mercury thermometers and if a thermometer breaks somewhere - it is considered a toxic spill.

Good point--we loved mercurochrome in our family too. My mom would paint it on the back of our throats to cure strep throat

In high school one of the girls in my Chemistry class got her hands on some spilled mercury and proceeded to rub it into her class ring, turning it from gold to silver. Cool trick! Except that mercury is poisonous.

 

[JenJen]

kdtwiss
I agree with you 100% there are families that have more of a tendency towards autistic spectrum disorders that can avoid certain environmental irritants. I am not saying that in can always be prevented because not all families know when it is going to happen but if there is a family history wait to your children are older to get vaccinated. Everythime my DS was vaccinated his condition became worse especially after his MMRI.

 

[Poohnatic]

Tracy,

I haven't read the other replies, but wanted to be one of probably many to tell you that not every child you have will be autistic.

Older son had not been diagnosed when we became pregnant with younger son (in fact, it took almost 3 years after that until we found out he had Asperger's). I am so glad we had another. The boys are 3 years and 3 months apart, and now that they are both school age, they have common interests.

Kevin, at 6, tends to be the trailblazer for his older brother. In many respects, they are polar opposites-and I think that this is a good thing. Kevin's examples and social interaction with his peers have definitely helped Neil. Sometimes it's harder when mom and dad are telling you what to do and how to do it, but watch his brother and it seems easier.

As they get older, it seems like the fighting centers on Kevin beating Neil on his beloved video games! Normal stuff, that's for sure. Another poster stated that the other child seemed to get an extra helping of social skills-that's my younger son to a T.

The decision to not have more had more to do with me being at high risk for DVT and blood clots during pregnancy, rather than having a child on the spectrum. I would have gladly had a third if it did involve mega doses of blood thinners and weekly doctor's appointments.

Hang in there. Whatever you decide, know that you can get good support here.

Suzanne

 

[FionaLovesShrek]

Hi, I just wanted to add that the decision is so very personal and the what-if's are always going to be there. My brother and sis-in-law have one child 7, who is autistic. They also have 2 older children who are not. They spent a lot of time deciding whether or not to have another child. What they wanted, was another sibling to help care for and be there for their autistic son, when they are gone. They chose to have another child. They now have a beautiful little girl. I think it was brave of them to want more for their son and to want to share their love with another child, not knowing if they might have another autistic child. At this point, they are so happy with their decision and that little girl has just lit up the family. Only you and your spouse know what is right for you. Good luck, whatever you decide.

 

[Bugsmom73]

We are in the same boat but have tabled the discussion until Sept of next year. DS has just been dx with SID, and he is not autistic. He is far too social for that and that is a direct quote from our developmental pedi who received no less than 5 kisses during an 1.5 hour session. DD 4 is neurotypical but she does have some sensory issues, as we all do.

 

[DAG]

I don't know if this was mentioned, but our son's developmental pediatrician told us that chromosome analysis and fragile X testing might help to determine the likelihood of having another autistic child.

So far, we have one child and have thought about having another.

Happy Holidays

 

[wide awake]

My DS is 15...we would have had another child but DS was diagnosed before I got pregnant. I am firmly in the autism caused by mercury camp, actually I think of it as mercury poisoining, not Autism...I've met exactly one child in the last 12 years that matched Kanner's group of kids...DS was not autistic at birth. I am glad we do not have other children...we've done everything...Lovaas, Floortime, and now biomed...it is all expensive and time consuming, and I can't imagine the stress of giving another child 2nd best just because they were normal...or having them to watch after DS when DH and I are gone...talk about lifelong sentence !!! DS is doing well, that normal boy is still in there, and I have every hope that he will come back to us...but his battles take everything I have.

 

[riu girl]

his battles take everything I have.[/QUOTE]


I fully agree with the above statement. After having DD and trying to help her with her challenges the first few years, I thought there would be no way I would ever have enough to give to another child. I honestly thought it would not be fair to DD to have another baby.

But then, an ooops happened and we had another DS. Watching them play together now, I couldn't imagine NOT having baby #2. They are best friends. But I think in our situation, her challenges/difficulties have decreased substantially over the years so this makes things so much easier also.

Good luck with your decision, it is definately a difficult decision to make.

 

[Chris's Dad]

We faced virtually the same experience and now have a 6-year-old son with PDD-NOS and a 2.5-year-old daughter (without any delays; born when my wife was 37).

My son has improved his interactions with others and his communication skills through playing with my daughter. They do everything together. I hope that her continuously improving language skills will continue to advance his (and perhaps her toileting skills, too). And they will be taking their first trip to WDW in January.

In the end, having another child was the best decision and result for all of us -- but not knowing that outcome ahead of time was cause for our, and your, concern. On reflection, I would still make the same decision again.

Best wishes with your difficult decision.

 

[jennw26]

You have a tough decision. My 3 1/2 year old autistic son is SO much better off because he has an 8 yr. old sister. She makes his life wonderful, yet he makes her life more challenging. I also understand how powerfull the "clock ticking" thing is for us since we (women) can't have children forever. All I can say is, you are not alone. I would love to have another baby, but I am also afraid. If only babies didn't smell so great and have such adorable toes, this would be an easy decision!