Affair OR Not - That is the question???

[MELSMICE]

Originally posted by Lucky4me
If he went 100 miles in 8 hours he was driving 12.5 MPH.

I was thinking about that 100 miles. That's 50 miles to somewhere & 50 miles back. Seems like that would be approximately an hour trip, maybe a little more if he's not on the highway. Seems like an hour away from home would be a perfect place for a rendezvous with someone other than his wife. Less of a chance that someone would recognize him if he was about an hour away & not in his own car.

Lisa, protect yourself & let us know that you're okay. All the signs are there.

 

[OceanAnnie]

Lisa, I hope you don't provide any more information to anyone at his workplace. It only provides fodder for an already bad situation.

Your DH should be worried about a number of things. Most employers don't like controversy, lies and deception. Once his employer catches onto him, he'll have some explaining to do, and "making a mountain out of a molehill" won't cut it. He is putting his job at risk as well as his marriage. His ability to provide for his children will eventually be effected.

Anger is a great tool. The more the better at this point. It will help you to see beyond his slippery, deceitful words & ways. And help you to plan for yourself and your children.

 

[mom42860]

Don't know if this has been mentioned but he could have spent the day getting things in order. Seeing a counselor, a lawyer, changing banking info. credit cards etc.
Another thought in an entirely different direction, could he be having some sort of medical problem? Sometimes tests or procedures take up a whole day. Would he be the type to not share this with you?

 

[Purrrrfecta]

You know Tuff Cookie you are right, and I do have my opinion, and if she wants the truth that is what she is going to have to do. Funny that you say you work for the police department. It was my cousin, a cop in NYC who told me to contact the other woman in my situation. We did it over the phone. Tell me why this woman can not do the same?
So when the ex and the other woman confront her together like they did in the other post - then what? Someone could go off there as well.

All of this is making my head spin. I just do not know how this could be going on this long with the potential players right there in arms reach.

 

[Divamomto3]

I've been reading this all along and I know I stated it before.

Your husband is having an affair. I'd bet money on it.
You deserve better than this treatment. Get a lawyer. Kick him out. He's not worth it. His co-workers could easily be covering for him. Maybe they think it's nice to "see him happy." Who knows what LIES he's told them about your marriage. Why should they tell his hysterical wife the truth? They're HIS friends not YOURS.

 

[diznygirl]

You told him you posted here and he read some of these posts? I can't believe you did that (trying to show you have nothing to hide, blah blah blah - still not a wise decision).

Document everything. Tell real people (not just us here on the boards). Contact a lawyer (even if you don't want to file for divorce right now, you still need the advice).

The day off from work is pretty suspicious and you need to take action. You have been taken advantage of long enough.

Even if he is not having an affair - don't you think you deserve to be treated better than this?

I won't say anymore - there are others who have given you the very best of advice, and you can see you have a lot of supoort here. I wish you the best - and please keep in touch.

 

[poohandwendy]

I just wanted to adress something that may or may not have been touched upon (after this many pages, I am not sure)..

Lisa,

One thing that may be holding you back, from facing this head on, is the thought that this man is someone who you have trusted for many years. He has held you when you are sick, laughed with you, shared great memories with, had children with you...LOVED you. To believe he could betray you in such a way is overwhelming. You probably read all of these personal stories and think.. not me, not him...not US!!

Surely he wouldn't turn his back on his family? Surely this is a big misunderstanding.

The truth is that ALL betrayed spouses have felt that way. They all have thought it was impossible, never would happen. That they would see it coming. That their spouse would never allow someone else to destroy the marital relationship that is so deep and so permanent. That they would automatically KNOW if they were being lied to. That the marriage would be SO DEAD by that point, they would know ahead of time.

And you might think, even if he had an affair, he would NEVER do all of those horrible things other women have dealt with. Like emptying savings accts, leaving them alone with nothing, abandoning the family life, the kids....

The sad truth is that it happens every day. And many of those men were upstanding, normal men with good families and wonderful wives and homes. It isn't just "Jerry Springer" type people who deal with this. It is normal, white picket fence average people with average lives and seemingly loving marriages.

Very few people see it coming until it is in their face. That has to be the biggest betrayal I think. Knowing a person you trust so deeply can do such a horrible thing.

I have no idea what is really happening in your life or will happen. But, I have seen far too many women blindsided because they thought it ''couldn't'' happen to them.

I hope you understand I am not trying to offend you, not in the least. I just think it is easy to see all of the personal stories and think...no way, that's not us, we are different than that. Before these people dealt with it, they felt the exact same way.

Please protect yourself, seek counselling, talk to an atty (just in case). Married people sometimes end up being alone in a corner, I don't want that to happen to you. It's not what you bargained for, but it sometimes happens. To good people.

I hope that whatever the situation is, you can work on the marriage and survive this. If that is not possible, I hope you can get some counselling to help deal with getting through this.

 

[Madi100]

Lisa, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through all of this. You should feel most comfortable with your husband and loved by him. He should be the #1 person that you can count on for all things. He should not be the cause of your pain. And, if he is, he needs to fix it. He is your partner. Maybe the kids come first. Well, you have children, and they have to come first. Small children take up a lot of your time and energy. And sometimes money and time don't always allow for this, but somehow you still have to know that you are best friends.

If for any reason he is doing something that makes you uncomfortable, then he should quit doing it. If it's once, then it's not a problem. If you have problems with every aspect of his life, then you have the problem. But, to me it sounds like this is a one time thing for you. This is the first aspect that you don't like.

For all of the posters who have said, "Well then my spouse needs to suspect me." Or, "I have my friends. He has his." I don't mean anything personal or demeaning. But, everyone person has to be comfortable in their relationship. There are couples that are into S&M. There are couples that are into groups. There are couples that have completely open marriages.. There are couples that have key parties. That's all fine and dandy. Whatever makes you happy. The problem comes when the couple is taken out, and it is only one person in the relationship who is taking part in the act.

To me, it sounds like it in this case. Your husband has a good friend. And, you are uncomfortable with it. Right now, your husband should completely cut himself off from this other woman. No phone calls. No lunches. No meetings. Who cares that she is going through a bad divorce? Your husband shouldn't. So, he's a nice guy. He should very nicely tell her to go and talk to her mother or her sister or her neighbor or her best friend or her dog or her other co-worker. Your husband shouldn't be the one to console her. It's not his place. And, regardless if he's having an affair or not, if you tell him from your heart that something really, really bothers you he should do everything in his power to make you feel at ease. You should come first. Because just like the kids, it sounds like this co-worker has come between your marriage. All of my post is said without accusing him of an affair.

 

[100%Disney]

Men love to feel needed, they love to be the hero. He is getting what he needs served to him in big plates by this 'other woman.' You need to tell your family what is going on, because if something were to happen to you, we wouldn't know and we wouldn't be able to help. You need to talk to your family, they know you and your husband and they have a better perspective than we do on the two of you. He is cheating. He just is, there is no way to avoid it, so sugar coating. He will tell you the truth and it will be when he leaves, not before. I would not ask him any questions at this point, I would get every dime out of the bank, make cash withdrawels of credit cards, whatever it takes to have cash on hand. Tell your family, then tell him to leave. If he truly wants to save your marriage, he will wake up and try to fix what is broken. If his job is that bad then he should be out looking for a new one, not diddling a co-worker.

 

[100%Disney]

My friend thought that her husband was Mr. Right, she had to file bankruptcy, he took everything. We saw it coming, we warned her, she was convinced that we were wrong. He left for the day also, because he needed some 'alone time', she found his car at a hotel 20 miles away. He was with the other woman, but he said that they were "just talking", she and her brother took his car and left him stranded at the hotel. It's a good thing she did, the car was financed in Her name.

 

[Pugsley]

Are you guys sure this thread isn’t another one of those psychological experiments?!?! Because this just seems too weird to be true.

If this IS real, my opinion is: The husband is having an affair. We all know that, including Lisa. I’m not seeing how this thread is constructive at all any more. Lisa has been given tons of great advice and hasn’t taken ONE BIT of it. Instead, she shares this thread with her husband. It doesn’t matter if she gets concrete proof. Even if she catches them in the act she’ll find a way to deny it. She doesn’t want to admit the truth because she doesn’t want the marriage to end. And if that’s the case, she may need to just go on with her life and try to ignore/accept what’s going on. It doesn’t sound like the husband has any desire to fix the marriage so I doubt counseling will work (or that he’d even go). And I’m afraid that if he’s given an ultimatum he’s going to choose the girlfriend. I’m really sorry this is happening to you Lisa. But the ball is in your court and you need to decide what you are willing to live with and what you’re not willing to live with. I just don’t know what else there is to say at this point.

 

[disneyfan551]

Well said Pugsley!!!

 

[Christine]

Originally posted by Pugsley
I’m not seeing how this thread is constructive at all any more. Lisa has been given tons of great advice and hasn’t taken ONE BIT of it. Instead, she shares this thread with her husband. It doesn’t matter if she gets concrete proof. Even if she catches them in the act she’ll find a way to deny it. She doesn’t want to admit the truth because she doesn’t want the marriage to end.

And this attitude is EXACTLY why people don't take their problems to a "friend" or family member. Most people who see a situation and give support and advice cannot stand it when a person doesn't follow their advice or do what the advice giver thinks is the right thing to do. Then everyone harbors bad feelings.

If this thread gives Lisa a place to go and vent then it is still constructive. If she chooses not to see what is in front of her or she chooses to live in the denial, that is her option and I won't be holding it against her. It takes a LOT of guts to walk away from a marriage, despite how bad it may be. Some people are stronger than others or have more financial security (which Lisa does not). As far as I'm concerned, I hope she feels that she can still lean on the DIS people. Even if she decides to stay with the lying toad, I'm not going to be upset about it.

 

[LoraJ]

After reading through most of this thread, I am not 100% sure he is having a full fledges affair. Although I think he could be thinking about it, which could be why it is causing him stress.

Also, calling his friends and checking up on him, may be putting a lot of stress on him that his wife doesn't trust him anymore and he is hurting from that. But then again, he is giving you plenty of reason not to trust him.

That said, I don't think the co-worker would tell you what she may suspect. I have a co-worker who has been cheating on his wife for years. At first I thought he was just doing internet chats to make himself feel better. But no, he is constantly on the phone with this woman (or maybe women). even brought her to work one day. We are all disgusted by his behavior.

I have a feeling this has been going on for years before I even knew him. When he was first working here, he gave me his IM name to add to my buddy list and I IMed him and was like "hey what's up?" and I get a message back "This is "so and so's" wife, who are you? I explained and she was fine with that.

But he has been busted before because his lady friend text messaged his cell phone with "I love you". His son happened to be playing with his phone at that time. Not sure how his wife handled it because I heard the story through the wind.

But, if she were to call me up and ask me if I knew he was having an affair, I would feel very put on the spot. I wouldn't have an answer. Because I don't really know exactly what is going on with these other women. Chances are, the girl at work doesn't either. And with you questioning her, that may become office gossip and I am sure your husband may find out.

All the suggestions for getting counseling are spot on. Because the trust between you two is going to continue to unravel.

I feel so horrible for what you are going through now.

May I suggest a message board on ivillage.com. It's for women like you going through the same thing. I don't have the direct link with me now, but it you go to ivillage.com, click the message boards link, and then go to relationships, you should be able to find it.

Good luck. and hugs.

 

[Antonia]

My FIL had affairs one after the other and my MIL stayed with him until 37 years had passed. The final affair was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. She had looked the other way for so long, that he was absolutely shocked when she kicked his sorry butt to the curb.
Affairs do cause the "affairee" a lot of stress. The stress itself may be another red flag that an affair is happening. My FIL was a prime example of stress. He really had to work at hiding it all from my MIL. He denied it to the end - even after she had kicked him out. I asked him point blank if he had a girlfriend and he said no. All the while he had had this one for 4 years and was leading a double life. All the while the man taught Sunday School at our church!!!!! It is easy to justify red flags in a person's behavior, because it is sometimes easier than facing the truth. But if you get enough red flags, it is definitely time to do something.

 

[disneyatl]

After reading the last update about him driving around for 8 hours, I say you should definitely have him followed. At least you will have the truth whichever way it goes. If it does end up he's having an affair, that doesn't mean you can't work through it. I know someone who has but it wasn't easy. But if you finally have proof of the affair, you can confront him with the proof and then he can't lie about it anymore. If he's not having an affair, then you can move on to repairing your relationship.

 

[avdeane]

Lisa,

Regardless of anything else, your marriage is in trouble right now. Get some help before things get beyond fixing, if they aren't already. I believe now is the time you definitely need to confide in a family member or close friend too. A shoulder and some body who is there to help may be what you need. My best to you and your family.

 

[diznygirl]

"My FIL was a prime example of stress. He really had to work at hiding it all from my MIL."

LOL! Luckily, my DH is one of those guys who is so tired from one life, he has no time for another... he's always wondering how all those cheating spouses manage!

I really feel sorry for Lisa. She sounds like she's working hard at marriage and family, and he's just giving her more reasons to worry. I love happy endings....I sure hope there is one here......

 

[Pin Wizard]

Originally posted by poohandwendy
That their spouse would never allow someone else to destroy the marital relationship that is so deep and so permanent.

I have to disagree with this to a point. It's the cheating spouse that allows someone in. The cheating spouse is the one destroying the relationship.

Back to lurking.

 

[Hedgie81677]

Originally posted by Pugsley


If this IS real, my opinion is: The husband is having an affair. We all know that, including Lisa.

We know nothing, we don't know Lisa and we don't know her DH. With the information Lisa has provided people have posted their opinions on the situation. But we are all forgetting, the other woman was at work. So why is it hard for everyone to digest that maybe the DH was driving around and clearing his head.