Advice... =\

[simonkodousek]

I know this is off topic, but I see a lot of posts for thoughts and prayers, so here's mine...

I'm gay. I've known for a long time, but I haven't really been too bothered by it until a few weeks ago. I think I started to really "care" more about who I am when I heard and read about some of the teens that committed suicide because of people being... Heartless, careless, hateful, mean, and just evil.

I started coming out to my close friends about a month ago after I found out this guy I've known for 2-3 years came out to his friends and family. It feels so good to be myself in front of those I've told, but because not everyone knows, I still can't be 100% me. I'm sure if I told my parents they would tell me it's fine, I can live my life how I want to, and that they will love me unconditionally. My mom probably knows at this point anyway... You know, "motherly instinct, LOL."

I don't really see my dad too much. My parents are married, but my dad's ALWAYS working, and ALWAYS traveling. Right now he's in Africa doing some legal work for a mine his company is building in Johannesburg. I know he wouldn't care too much if he knew, but there's that part of me that knows he would be ashamed. He's a "guy, guy" and is always trying to do something outdoorsy when he has free time. My brother is the same way and they connect very well. My brother's only 14, but because of the military school he goes to, he is very anti-gay. Especially since one of the cadets got raped recently, he has gone in to hyper-anti-gay mode. HE would definitely be embarrassed by having a gay brother, which makes me so sad. Even though he's annoying as all hell, and drives me nuts, he's still my brother and not having communication with him would make me feel horrible.

I don't really know where I am right now with all of this, just trying to cope as best as I can I guess. I know that I'm "normal" in the grand scheme of things, but it just feels like I'm surrounded with people that are very narrow-minded. I feel really empty and alone, like I'm the only one out there in this situation, even though I really know I'm not.

Any advice?

~Simon

 

[little bob]

Simon,

I am a hetero 'guys guy' myself and cant pretend to know how you feel but just because I cant put myself in your shoes doesnt mean that I cant give advice. Fortunately for you your parents will take this fine(we think). I think that we all know that not everyone will accept you for who you are but you will be a happier/less stressed person being who you are. Be prepared for the *** hats that you will encounter and cling to those that are your best friends and family. Maybe you will encounter a tough time and maybe you wont but dont live life not 'being you'.

my .02

good luck and you have my prayers

 

[simonkodousek]

Simon,

I am a hetero 'guys guy' myself and cant pretend to know how you feel but just because I cant put myself in your shoes doesnt mean that I cant give advice. Fortunately for you your parents will take this fine(we think). I think that we all know that not everyone will accept you for who you are but you will be a happier/less stressed person being who you are. Be prepared for the *** hats that you will encounter and cling to those that are your best friends and family. Maybe you will encounter a tough time and maybe you wont but dont live life not 'being you'.

my .02

good luck and you have my prayers

Thanks! I've already encountered a lot of !@#$%^& so I know how to deal w/ them. Kill 'em w/ kindness!

 

[xanphylus]

You never know- you might be surprised by your brother. He may just be afraid of being seen as "feminine" at his military school. And after all, he is your brother, being gay can't change that or even who you really are. All because he has fear of gays, doesn't mean that knowing you couldn't change that.
I know many gay guys and girls, and even a few haters, but most of the hate is fear of the unknown I think. And just by knowing you- he will learn that not all gays are bad and take part in the horrible rape type incident you mentioned. Just like all people, there are all types in every crowd. Be proud of who you are!
Although he might not mention it to his friends at school, I bet you would still feel better if her knew. You could try telling them over a break of some sort. One of my friends told his parents over summer break (he was in college)- they were not too thrilled, but they had time to get used to it. And as he said, and if they can't get over it-at least I still get to leave! lol

Good luck!!

 

[DisneyKevin]

Simon,

I could tell you the same story about having a younger brother who I thought would be anti gay.

Many years ago, he saw myself and a female friend coming out of a gay bar.

He stopped and asked why we were in a gay bar and my female friend tried to cover for me by telling him she was a lesbian. I said nothing.

I thought I would die and that he would disown me and hate me forever.

I tried to go on with my evening but felt I had to talk to him, so I drove home and woke him from a sound sleep.

I explained that my friend wasnt a lesbian and that I was gay. His response was "I know." That was it. "I know." Nothing more, nothing less. "I know."

I have to tell you...I was more than a bit annoyed. I had worked up this whole "Lifetime Movie" in my head and it didnt happen. I asked him how he knew and his response was "I've known you all my life. Do you think I'm stupid? Can I go back to sleep?" I was relieved and annoyed and elated and surprised...you get the idea.

I asked him one more question before I went back out.

I asked him how he knew that the bar we were coming out of was a gay bar.

His response....."One of the guys going in was wearing mittens. Straight guys dont wear mittens."

Again.....I was annoyed

It's never been a big deal since.

Give your brother a chance.

 

[paulasillars]

If you think it might make things uncomfortable with your brother at his age (and possibly maturity level), could you maybe think about just not mentioning it until he's a little more mature? As an aside, I would never have thought to sit down with my brother and tell him that I was straight and fancied men As a teenager the thought of any family member having sex with anyone or any gender would have been mind-numbingly embarrassing to talk about... Though on the other hand, it might also be a good case for education regarding the rape you mentioned - rape is a crime of violence and hatred, not a crime of sex - the rapist may well be "straight".

However at the same time, as others have said, your brother and family may already suspect. Maybe talk to your Mom about it first to see what she thinks and how he might handle it?

I know when my MIL and FIL separated and my FIL went to live with his boyfriend, it wasn't really much of a surprise to me - and trying not to sound too blunt here - he could have gone either way Thought it was a shock to my MIL after 40 years of marriage.

Anyway, good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[superdiz]

HUGS to you. I cannot imagine it's easy holding on to a secret like this. Your brother will probably act like a typical 14 year old when he finds out and there will be a few years where he acts dumb about it, but he will come around when he grows up. Kids are just mean sometimes! But he may surprise you so give him the benefit of the doubt. It sounds like your parents will accept you. No harm in not being a "guy's guy". Be who you are. Plenty of people will love you for it. And those who don't, you didn't really need them anyway!! No big loss of yours.

 

[Yvet]

I have only one big question (and it sounds simple and i know that it doesn't feel that simple but it is):
Would you rather continue living a lie like you do right know (okay maybe not a lie but for sure you live a life that isn't fully yours) or would you rather live a life where you can be the person that you are??

When you are coming out not everybody is going to be nice and give you a warm welcome, some people will react horrible but you can be who you are.
Most of the people do already know that you are gay, if they don't know they probably aren't that suprised to find out.
Maybe a few are totally blown away when you tell them...

About your father: Don't you think that he rather want you to be yourself to be who you are then what you are doing now??
At this point he has 2 sons one that isn't into his outdoor activities and has other interests and one son that shares the same interests as he does, that won't change.
I don't say that he won't be ashamed but how long will that last??

Good luck and keep us updated about the outcome of all this.

 

[jeanigor]

I agree 110% with Kevin and feel Yvette has hit the nail on the head.

You should be you. Whether that's a 'guy's guy' or a clown or a landscape engineer or a police man or a ballet dancer. You need to be truthful with yourself and be yourself.

Its not easy. Life isn't easy. But, your family loves you for you. And so do we, Simon.

 

[safetymom]

Simon, I am sorry to hear of your struggles. I agree with Yvet. I will keep you in my prayers.

 

[Renysmom]

Simon -

I think you need to talk to your mom first, she will be able to give you the advise you need in regards to your dad and your brother.

After that, take your time. Tell those closest to you if you feel you want to tell them now or tell them later, it is up to you.

As for acquaintances and others you meet along this path we call life, tell them when the time is right (and you will know when that it), if they can't deal with it, screw em! They weren't meant to be a part of your life anyway. True friends will not care!

oh and so you know, we don't care

 

[BriarRosie]

I agree with what others were saying that those who know you already know you're gay, more than likely. And I agree with Paula that the rapist at the military school was probably straight. Rape is about dominance, violence and humiliation. I would think any gay students at that school would keep their sexuality a secret in a "don't ask, don't tell" military school.

I've seen gay friends come to terms with accepting who they are, after trying to "fit in" with the straight world. They are much happier being themselves, and I wish you the best of luck coming out to your friends and family.

And watch those "it gets better" videos if you need a morale boost.

 

[mikelan6]

I was also surprised by my family's reactions when I came out. Most of them took it as it should be taken - "oh, that's cool - I love you anyway."

My brother, who like your brother was the most homophobic in that he used to tell all the gay jokes had to get assurance from his wife that it was ok. LOL.

My sister asked my what took me so long. They knew all the time.

I think what's most important is that YOU are who you want to be and if they have a problem with it, it's THEIR problem.

 

[wishspirit]

I am wishing you all the best right now Simon, it must be really tough.

One of my friends just came out a few months ago, after spending years battling with the decision. He comes from a religious household, where he has always shown himself to be a 'man's man' and lived up to many of the stereotypes.

However when he told all of us that he was gay, no one had a problem with it. A few of us were a bit shocked (just because he'd had plenty of girlfriends in the past), but we accepted him for who he is. We have become much better friends because of it, as we feel in his trust and feel honest with each other. Even his ex-girlfriends respect him for coming out.

I knew he was worried that his family would hate him for it, but his sister's response was that she'd known for a long time, and his mom had guessed a while back. It was harder talking to his dad, but with his mom's support it made it a lot easier.

I hope you can work past this difficult period in your life, and remember there is always support out there if you want it.

 

[OKW Lover]

Its a huge step. Sometimes you just have to decide to take a deep breath, make that step and let the chips fall where they may.

Think about it this way, its going to happen some time so why not get it out now and have it behind you. The stress of worrying about what will happen can have serious, devastating impacts on your life. The sooner you put that behind you, the better.

Be ready for some bad reactions. As you already know, unfortunately there are those in this world who aren't tolerant of anything that doesn't fit their vision of "normal". Some will take it out on you. That's their problem, not yours.

And don't pre-judge how folks are going to react. I know of many "manly men" that you would assume are homophobic because of their bearing and line of work (ie in the military), but have no problem at all with gays. So, give them a chance. You'll see their true colors.

 

[OKW Lover]

Oh, and you probably already know this but I wanted to point out that there is a really nice gay/lesbian board right here on the DIS. Its a community where you can share your feelings about life and your love for Disney.

 

[SamSam]

I just want to say that I agree with what everyone else has written. Be yourself, you owe it to yourself to be true to who you are.
Pixie dust to help you through this difficult time of transition.

 

[WaltD4Me]

I don't have any advice better than anyone else has posted, but I will reference the phrase "it gets better." I've never been in your situation, but I have found this to be true. The older you get, the more you realize it is much more important to be you and enjoy life than to worry about what others think. This is your life...no one else's. Live it for you and make the most of it.

 

[mommyceratops]

As a parent, if one of my sons came out to me, they would have all my support and love. My husband is a very football loving male and if our sons came out to him they would have his love and support also.

I have a good friend, who was married and divorced her husband and her and her kids lived with a friend of theirs who was a lesbian, it took her over a year to come out to me. I disappointed her with my reaction because it was so obvious to me. She really stressed over coming out, she has teenage sons, and stressed about it. But I was so happy for her to find happiness and come out when she was ready. She knew I would support her no matter what. But what I am saying is deep down they probably know. Especially mom, they know these things and are waiting for you to tell them. You can't tell someone they are gay? Or can you?

There are mean people in this world and if they don't understand it is a HUGE loss to them. My life is better because my friends who are gay. They are the best people I know! I admire them and they have more courage than the rest of the world does. It embarrasses me to hear people make comments about my friends and I always stick up for my friends and your friends will do the same.

A funny observation made at a recent breakfast with my mommy friends there was only 2 straight people. Which as they like to point out to me I am the minority

much love and support for you.

 

[FireDancer]

I wish you the best. Of course I can only speak for me but if one of my friends or brother told me they were gay it wouldn't change anything as far as I'm concerned. I don't choose my friends based on who they sleep with and it sure as heck wouldn't make me love either of my brothers any less.