Ever had to choose to put your kids in a poor-quality school?

[StitchesGr8Fan]

Motivated kids can learn anywhere, especially with parental involvement. Unmotivated kids can underperform anywhere. If they have been unmotivated even knowing the stakes of not getting in to magnet schools, why would you spend $$$ more to send them to better schools where the outcome will be the same if they aren’t motivated?

 

[okeydokey]

If your child is unmotivated to do well in school, then it's not going to matter what school they attend and don't do well in. Their choices after HS will remain the same, most likely anyway. Community College is a great way to earn job training certificates are open to just about all students.

 

[Southernmiss]

I've seen your posts enough, OP, to know that you are a very thoughtful person and research and learn as much as you can about a situation or circumstance and always have real insight.

It's tougher when the situation is about making decisions for your own family.

With what you have shared up to now, I would not send my child to the expensive school and would go with the public school.

It seems that the student needs to just graduate high school (and as you know current models don't always work for every student) and then be able to go on to the next chapter using their gifts and talents more in an art or hands on area that suits them than in one that requires a lot of academic studies.

It's not easy to know what the right thing is sometimes we have to trust our gut and let go and let God.

I hope that maybe you all will be able to help your student find an extracurricular activity or mentor that will help them find their motivation in whatever they are interested in.

 

[NannyBeBe]

My children went to a private religious school from preschool thru 8th grade. I then had to make a difficult decision but realized that they needed to get into the real world. There was a high school very close to our home but it did not have the best reputation. We put them into that high school. They graduated at the top of their class, earned a full scholarship to university, and graduated with high grades.
I say this to say that if a child has a strong foundation, he will be able to succeed in any circumstance.

 

[RogueX]

I agree that spending money for a better school will not help an unmotivated person. My husband was homeschooled and got his GED, which has certainly not been an issue with finding a job. I went to a poor school, as in when you heard pop, you jumped on the ground because 50/50 it was gunshots being heard in the area. I wasn't a particularly motivated learner, but I made the best of where I was at the time.

Some thing to keep in mind, look into apprenticeship instead of the college route.

 

[abdmom]

So, private school may be an option, but again, admissions standards apply. We've been down this road before, and the resulting education wasn't worth a fraction of what was poured into it; which was a fortune that this time we really can't afford to spend. Moving to a better district with geographically-assigned schools is another option, but not at all a good one: our current home is paid for, but very small and not worth very much, and we're getting close to retirement age now. Moving would mean taking on a mortgage again, one much larger than the one we paid off.

When I think about going into debt to pour another $60K into a mediocre high school career it makes me feel sick, and I'm just not sure I can do it again.

You can't afford to move to a better district. You are getting close to retirement age. You can't afford to spend $60K. Don't spend money you don't have when you're not going to get a decent return (a child with a well paying job). Prioritize your retirement savings.

Wishing that you had an academically motivated child won't make it so. The good private schools won't want a student who is not motivated anyway.

 

[clutter]

It's all about finding motivation, and that's a tough nut. I remember visiting some community colleges that were out of town, but had specific programs that I knew my dd was passionate about. She HATED school, but was fortunate enough to be able to do well without too much work, even in our competitive school district. But I didn't think she would want to continue straight to a university because she found learning to be so unmotivating.

However, she came across a semester program (affordable, but no longer around, sadly) that emphasized experiential learning and she found that she actually loved learning and that university would NOT be like high school. That was the game changer. It made coming back to the public school system almost worse to deal with, but she got through it and has thrived through undergrad and master's programs. Can you look for a summer program, preferably away from home, that provides music immersion that emphasizes the importance of academics to music, if that is his interest?

Most importantly, and I'm going to be blunt here, but I was the third child that followed ones that 'squandered the money' that my parents invested in them. (they didn't really.) It doesn't matter whether you say it outright to your child or not. They know what you're thinking and feeling. If I hadn't already been in an over-achieving group in high school, I would have likely given up.

 

[amylevan]

What are the long term goals? 4 year college? Community college? Trade school? You said no military, so that is it out.

There is no way I’d pay money to send my child to private school who was planning on maybe getting an associates degree. Or going to beauty school. Or to do any other perfectly respectable job that does not require a 4 year degree. And even then, if you’re talking a 4 year degree for a low paying job, not sure that’s worth a high school private school tuition.

 

[stsomewhere]

My kids went to an okay high school. ( we did a charter school K-8) My son was not motivated to do school work. He calculated what work needed to be done in class in order to pass. He thrived in History and Government classes. He graduated with a B average. But got the second highest ACt score in his grade. He got into his first choice college. He struggled a little in college but has made the Dean's list. He was going to be a high school history/ social studies teacher but due to covid he has declared a political science major and will get a teaching certificate.

We looked at a lot of different high schools for school of choice. What we found out is each school has pros and cons. We let our son decide which one he wanted to go to. He choose our local district because he liked the idea of making friends that lived close. He was motivated by the drama dept., he was the school mascot his senior year. He went to states for DECA.

Our daughter decided that she wanted to switch in 7th grade. She liked our local school much better. She was a straight A student and involved in a lot of after school activities. She graduated in 2019

They both had some wonderful teachers that inspired them.

 

[amylevan]

And you mentioned missing assignments....I’ll be blunt. I would not spend my own hard earned money on a child who could not be bothered to handle their own part of the deal. And doing the work is their part of the deal.

 

[tvguy]

I went to a poor/mediocre school - I was very self motivated and managed to get into a very elite University which I then promptly failed out of in my sophomore year, because the High School experience I went through never taught me how to actually study, write, and actually learn things.

My kids are now 29 and 33 and they frequently comment that their private K-12 education prepared them far better than their College classmates that went to public schools.
As an example, my youngest entered the California State University system in 2009. Her Freshman class was the largest enter class at the time in CSU history. They had the highest average GPA and SAT and ACT scores. And....................drum roll ........the highest percentage of students needing to take remedial Math, English and Science classes. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? My daughter was amazed at how many classmates had no idea how to write a paper.

 

[cabanafrau]

And you mentioned missing assignments....I’ll be blunt. I would not spend my own hard earned money on a child who could not be bothered to handle their own part of the deal. And doing the work is their part of the deal.

I agree in a certain sense. However, for a middle schooler, particularly males in my experience, it's not even a little bit unusual to go through that kind of a phase. I have several good friends who've been on the verge of tearing their hair out with their sons for this very issue, scrambling to find the approach for their kid that worked to clear up the situation. They used a variety of approaches according to their kids' needs and all eventually managed to sort it out, successfully complete high school and thrived in college as well. It's about getting the kid to understand they have real skin in the game more than anything IMO. Kind of the same idea of how kids react differently to making a purchase when it's mom and dad's money and when it's their own money.

 

[NotUrsula]

FWIW, the paper-writing thing is already covered.
Librarian parent + lawyer parent = cite your sources even for dinner table conversation. We're positively draconian on the subject of decent papers, and we pour on the red ink even when teachers don't.

The kid wants college, but doesn't want to slog through a not-fun HS to get there. Immature of course, but that's 13.

 

[Southernmiss]

My kids are now 29 and 33 and they frequently comment that their private K-12 education prepared them far better than their College classmates that went to public schools.
As an example, my youngest entered the California State University system in 2009. Her Freshman class was the largest enter class at the time in CSU history. They had the highest average GPA and SAT and ACT scores. And....................drum roll ........the highest percentage of students needing to take remedial Math, English and Science classes. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? My daughter was amazed at how many classmates had no idea how to write a paper.

And my kids who graduated from a mediocre public school say their private school peers did not do as well as my public school kids did at college. So there's also that. Depends on so many factors, including the individual kid.

 

[mom2rtk]

That's a tough question. At 13, they're pretty immature. A switch could still flip and kick them into gear.

 

[LuvOrlando]

Do you need to buy? Can you rent a few years in a better district then get on with things in four years? Is it possible some of what's happening with your child can be correlated to your communities general mindset? I ask because as my kids got older I found my kids weren't really the biggest problem and I was parenting against the bad influence of other parents through peer groups.

 

[piccolopat]

If you can swing the payments, why not sit down with your child and make them an offer to pay for one year of the private school. If they don't put in the effort to get decent grades, if they don't turn in homework and assignments, then private school stops and they will be transferred to the public school. Same goes for college. Make it clear now that you will not be paying for college if they don't put in the effort during high school. This should help your child understand that it is up to them to work hard to achieve their goals - whether that is attending private high school, going to college or eventually getting a well paying job. Make sure they understand that if they don't put in the required effort to do well in school or at a job, they will not be able to live the lifestyle they seem to want. Don't jeopardize your retirement paying for school for a child who is completely unmotivated even after you've tried everything to wake them up to the reality that it is up to them to do the hard work.

 

[NotUrsula]

Do you need to buy? Can you rent a few years in a better district then get on with things in four years? Is it possible some of what's happening with your child can be correlated to your communities general mindset? I ask because as my kids got older I found my kids weren't really the biggest problem and I was parenting against the bad influence of other parents through peer groups.

That's a good question, and we've thought about it a lot. The way we see it, monetarily there is really not much difference between renting for 4 years or paying private school tuition for 4 years; either way it's about $60K we won't see again. If we bought something, we could have the option to flip it after the 4 years and recoup some of the cost. (We're frugal, so we do have the money, though some of it would have to be borrowed from our retirement funds.)

The catch is that in this market, the purchase would pretty much have to be a single-family house to ensure sufficient return, and the only things we could realistically afford would be foreclosures or properties that are marketed as teardowns, perhaps in the poorer corners of those districts where crime is more of a problem than it is here, though of course the target would be an area that is starting to gentrify. We would also have to go smaller than we already have, which probably means around 700 sq. ft.; too small to allow the oldest children the option of moving back home if economic problems hit. If we want to sell our current home or rent it, there are some big-ticket maintenance items that would have to be done to make it marketable, but even then probably won't pay off very much (it would probably be cheaper to just keep this house and run minimum utilities, which would cost about $4K/yr. incl. the taxes.)

All in all, the moving option would be a LOT of work and risk to pull off. We're still considering trying to make it work, but it is a very daunting proposition.

 

[Feralpeg]

OP, you might look into Connections Academy. It is a virtual school, but they offer very unique courses that might appeal more to your son. The basic courses are still required, but they try to make gear them toward the student's interests. Just a thought.

 

[soccerdad72]

If the student is not willing to put in the work, save the $$. My sister and I went to Catholic High School back in the day, but when my younger brother was in grade school, my parents told him if he wasn't going to take studies seriously, they weren't paying for him to go to Catholic school. Granted, our public school wasn't a bad school to go to, actually, it was a pretty good school district.