Dealing and Caring for elderly parents... Health concerns.... Needing some guidance...8/14 update

[LovesTimone]

This is a touchy subject....

I am POA for medical and financial for my parents, and I have all the paper work, living wills, DNR, estate planning, and last will and testaments... I have been caring for them... Which is my honor to take on this responsibility.. and I am very blessed to have both of them still...

My Dad is 81 and my Mom is 77... They both have a plethora of medical issues...
They still live in their home... I however live 65 miles away so round trip to their house from mine is 130 miles round trip... my mom still is driving but not more that 2 miles, to Publix and to the medical facility where most of their doctors are at.. and they can take care of all their personal needs.

So here's the short version..

Things are not getting any better with their health, and they are completely denial about what is going on...

Last year my Dad took a fall, Thankfully he did not break anything... or so we thought,, apparently he had/has a hair line fracture in the L5 in his back, that came to light in Feb of this year, when he fell in the house again, so I took him to the ER...which I had to throw down and I had to threaten to call 911 and force him to go to the ER... we went for his back and come to find out his sodium level was 114 and the normal range is 135 to 145... and we were on our way up to ICU.... the doctor said it was so low that if he would not have come to the hospital he would have died... so since then it has been a real fight to get him to do what the doctor ordered use the back brace and take his pills, and everything...so now he is having issues with his heart and now magnesium level... so much so that the doctored order 400 milligram of Magnesium which is the daily allowance... he has stopped driving, and is using a walker full time now... plus there are other things such as problem with his thyroid, high cholesterol, type one diabetes... and as well he is losing weight... and I can't get a straight answer from him on how much he weighs.

My Mom, has so much... the major thing is the Colitis and it is completely out of control, and she suffers from depression and anxiety - as well as high bool pressure, thyroid, heart problems, as well as problem with her eyes, so a ton of eye drops... and she is down to around 100 pounds... Since February she has lost like 30 pounds...

They are not 100 percent forth coming with what is really going on with them... and they skirt the issue's... I have been to the doctors with them in the past...and I have spoken up and boy did they get mad with me... now with the virus I can't go in with them... so who know what they are telling the doctor.. As well what they tell me and what they tell my brother really don't match up for the most part... my brother is not able to help me with them really, he has a lot on his plate with his family...

As well my mom has decided that they are not cooking any more, so they are eating all processed food, not unless I take food over there to them, that's the only time they are getting home cooked meals.... Which is so terrible for them... When I try to have a conversation with them, they just blow it off, or want to start arguing with me...Which is not something that I want to do is fight with them...

My mom can be extremely difficult, to deal with... and that's all I am going to say about this...

When I go over to see them, I hit up wal-mart and target, home depot or lowes, to pickup things that they can't get a Publix... and I clean and do stuff around the house for them...

As well DH could get transferred with his job, which has happened in the past we moved 5 times in 10 years... and with the virus and things changing in within the industry that he is in.. and there are quite alot of people retiring this year, it is a real possibility that something like this could happen... I'm trying to be proactive... and get things lined up, so that we have some type of plan...

I am just overwhelmed right now...and trying to get them to understand that they need to have a plan going forward, and how they are going to handle things and want me to handle things... and they are both just in denial about what is going on... I know that no-one wants to think about this part of life, and as a child you don't want to think about your parents aging, not being able to do the things that they once did, with all the medical problems adding up, and them needing more care, to passing on... Unfortunately it is something that we have to discuss... and I am trying to be as delicate and respectful as I can...

So suggestions on how to go about having a productive conversation with them?

Thanks in advance...

 

[TLSnell1981]

This is a touchy subject....

I am POA for medical and financial for my parents, and I have all the paper work, living wills, DNR, estate planning, and last will and testaments... I have been caring for them... Which is my honor to take on this responsibility.. and I am very blessed to have both of them still...

My Dad is 81 and my Mom is 77... They both have a plethora of medical issues...
They still live in their home... I however live 65 miles away so round trip to their house from mine is 130 miles round trip... my mom still is driving but not more that 2 miles, to Publix and to the medical facility where most of their doctors are at.. and they can take care of all their personal needs.

So here's the short version..

Things are not getting any better with their health, and they are in completely denial about what is going on...

Last year my Dad took a fall, Thankfully he did not break anything... or so we thought,, apparently he had/has a hair line fracture in the L5 in his back, that came to light in Feb of this year, when he fell in the house again, so I took him to the ER...which I had to throw down and I had to threaten to call 911 and force him to go to the ER... we went for his back and come to find out his sodium level was 114 and the normal range is 135 to 145... and we were on our way up to ICU.... the doctor said it was so low that if he would not have come to the hospital he would have died... so since then it has been a real fight to get him to do what the doctor ordered use the back brace and take his pills, and everything...so now he is having issues with his heart and now magnesium level... so much so that the doctored order 400 milligram of Magnesium which is the daily allowance... he has stopped driving, and is using a walker full time now... plus there are other things such as problem with his thyroid, high cholesterol, type one diabetes... and as well he is losing weight... and I can't get a straight answer from him on how much he weighs.

My Mom, has so much... the major thing is the Colitis and it is completely out of control, and she suffers from depression and anxiety - as well as high bool pressure, thyroid, heart problems, as well as problem with her eyes, so a ton of eye drops... and she is down to around 100 pounds... Since February she has lost like 30 pounds...

They are not 100 percent forth coming with what is really going on with them... and they skirt the issue's... I have been to the doctors with them in the past...and I have spoken up and boy did they get mad with me... now with the virus I can't go in with them... so who know what they are telling the doctor.. As well what they tell me and what they tell my brother really don't match up for the most part... my brother is not able to help me with them really, he has a lot on his plate with his family...

As well my mom has decided that they are not cooking any more, so they are eating all processed food, not unless I take food over there to them, that's the only time they are getting home cooked meals.... Which is so terrible for them... When I try to have a conversation with them, they just blow it off, or want to start arguing with me...Which is not something that I want to do is fight with them...

My mom can be extremely difficult, to deal with... and that's all I am going to say about this...

When I go over to see them, I hit up wal-mart and target, home depot or lowes, to pickup things that they can't get a Publix... and I clean and do stuff around the house for them...

As well DH could get transferred with his job, which has happened in the past we moved 5 times in 10 years... and with the virus and things changing in within the industry that he is in.. and there are quite alot of people retiring this year, it is a real possibility that something like this could happen... I'm trying to be proactive... and get things lined up, so that we have some type of plan...

I am just overwhelmed right now...and trying to get them to understand that they need to have a plan going forward, and how they are going to handle things and want me to handle things... and they are both just in denial about what is going on... I know that no-one wants to think about this part of life, and as a child you don't want to think about your parents aging, not being able to do the things that they once did, with all the medical problems adding up, and them needing more care, to passing on... Unfortunately it is something that we have to discuss... and I am trying to be as delicate and respectful as I can...

So suggestions on how to go about having a productive conversation with them?

Thanks in advance...

I have been through this three times...grandmother, father and MIL. It's frustrating and so so difficult. Love, patience, kindness and respect is what got us through. You do what is in their best interest but have realistic expectations. They likely will not agree. We do what we can to ensure their well being.

 

[Southernmiss]

This is a touchy subject....

I am POA for medical and financial for my parents, and I have all the paper work, living wills, DNR, estate planning, and last will and testaments... I have been caring for them... Which is my honor to take on this responsibility.. and I am very blessed to have both of them still...

My Dad is 81 and my Mom is 77... They both have a plethora of medical issues...
They still live in their home... I however live 65 miles away so round trip to their house from mine is 130 miles round trip... my mom still is driving but not more that 2 miles, to Publix and to the medical facility where most of their doctors are at.. and they can take care of all their personal needs.

So here's the short version..

Things are not getting any better with their health, and they are in completely denial about what is going on...

Last year my Dad took a fall, Thankfully he did not break anything... or so we thought,, apparently he had/has a hair line fracture in the L5 in his back, that came to light in Feb of this year, when he fell in the house again, so I took him to the ER...which I had to throw down and I had to threaten to call 911 and force him to go to the ER... we went for his back and come to find out his sodium level was 114 and the normal range is 135 to 145... and we were on our way up to ICU.... the doctor said it was so low that if he would not have come to the hospital he would have died... so since then it has been a real fight to get him to do what the doctor ordered use the back brace and take his pills, and everything...so now he is having issues with his heart and now magnesium level... so much so that the doctored order 400 milligram of Magnesium which is the daily allowance... he has stopped driving, and is using a walker full time now... plus there are other things such as problem with his thyroid, high cholesterol, type one diabetes... and as well he is losing weight... and I can't get a straight answer from him on how much he weighs.

My Mom, has so much... the major thing is the Colitis and it is completely out of control, and she suffers from depression and anxiety - as well as high bool pressure, thyroid, heart problems, as well as problem with her eyes, so a ton of eye drops... and she is down to around 100 pounds... Since February she has lost like 30 pounds...

They are not 100 percent forth coming with what is really going on with them... and they skirt the issue's... I have been to the doctors with them in the past...and I have spoken up and boy did they get mad with me... now with the virus I can't go in with them... so who know what they are telling the doctor.. As well what they tell me and what they tell my brother really don't match up for the most part... my brother is not able to help me with them really, he has a lot on his plate with his family...

As well my mom has decided that they are not cooking any more, so they are eating all processed food, not unless I take food over there to them, that's the only time they are getting home cooked meals.... Which is so terrible for them... When I try to have a conversation with them, they just blow it off, or want to start arguing with me...Which is not something that I want to do is fight with them...

My mom can be extremely difficult, to deal with... and that's all I am going to say about this...

When I go over to see them, I hit up wal-mart and target, home depot or lowes, to pickup things that they can't get a Publix... and I clean and do stuff around the house for them...

As well DH could get transferred with his job, which has happened in the past we moved 5 times in 10 years... and with the virus and things changing in within the industry that he is in.. and there are quite alot of people retiring this year, it is a real possibility that something like this could happen... I'm trying to be proactive... and get things lined up, so that we have some type of plan...

I am just overwhelmed right now...and trying to get them to understand that they need to have a plan going forward, and how they are going to handle things and want me to handle things... and they are both just in denial about what is going on... I know that no-one wants to think about this part of life, and as a child you don't want to think about your parents aging, not being able to do the things that they once did, with all the medical problems adding up, and them needing more care, to passing on... Unfortunately it is something that we have to discuss... and I am trying to be as delicate and respectful as I can...

So suggestions on how to go about having a productive conversation with them?

Thanks in advance...

Hugs to you.

Have you reached out to Senior Services in their area? Is there a Meals on Wheels program that can bring meals to them? There may be other senior services in their area, too, where someone will go look in on them or volunteer to help them with some of the errands that you are running. It's tough with Covid-as some of these services may be limited.

Any chance they could move closer to you or where you might land, if your husband has a transfer?

Unfortunately, it may take something drastic to cause them to come around to asking for appropriate help.

 

[theluckyrabbit]

This is such a hard place to be. No matter how much we love our parents, sometimes decisions must be made which will not be liked or even appreciated. And we make these difficult choices and decisions because we love our parents, not for our convenience. So hard -- Hang in there. Have you tried looking on the AARP website? They have good resources available to help with situations like this.

 

[disneyseniors]

LovesTimone, I emphasize with what you are going through. I hope I can give another perspective on their care.

I am a retired Home Care RN, also hospice. I hope that you can get an RN from their local home care to come in a do an assessment on them. Anyone can order an initial visit, either you or a doctor. I understand your feelings and what you are going through and I know it is not easy.
The home health agency can have RN visits as needed (from daily, weekly, etc). These RN visits are usually weekly. They can arrange for home health aides to assist with cooking, cleaning, and personal care(if needed). They can schedule home physical therapy, home oxygen, any home aides needed such as walkers, wheelchairs with no cost to them. This is all taken care of by Medicare, which they have been paying most of their lives. There is no charge to them. They can even have a volunteer to come in and visit with them if needed. There is so much available for the elderly that I may have missed some of the assistance that can be given.
Maybe they would be willing to at least have an initial assessment if their doctor referred them?

It sounds like you have your hands full and need help. You can go and talk with a home care agency to see what they offer. You cannot do it all alone or you will be too stressed and tired to be of any help. We had the same type problems with my Dad, and he ended up with some dementia which caused him to not like me too much for getting him the help he needed. It was all worth it to get him the care he needed, but was still difficult to go through, even though I was a professional in the home care field. I sincerely hope you find some help. Maybe it will take an event down the road to make them see that they need help. Take care of yourself

 

[Christine]

LovesTimone, I emphasize with what you are going through. I hope I can give another perspective on their care.

I am a retired Home Care RN, also hospice. I hope that you can get an RN from their local home care to come in a do an assessment on them. Anyone can order an initial visit, either you or a doctor. I understand your feelings and what you are going through and I know it is not easy.
The home health agency can have RN visits as needed (from daily, weekly, etc). These RN visits are usually weekly. They can arrange for home health aides to assist with cooking, cleaning, and personal care(if needed). They can schedule home physical therapy, home oxygen, any home aides needed such as walkers, wheelchairs with no cost to them. This is all taken care of by Medicare, which they have been paying most of their lives. There is no charge to them. They can even have a volunteer to come in and visit with them if needed. There is so much available for the elderly that I may have missed some of the assistance that can be given.
Maybe they would be willing to at least have an initial assessment if their doctor referred them?

It sounds like you have your hands full and need help. You can go and talk with a home care agency to see what they offer. You cannot do it all alone or you will be too stressed and tired to be of any help. We had the same type problems with my Dad, and he ended up with some dementia which caused him to not like me too much for getting him the help he needed. It was all worth it to get him the care he needed, but was still difficult to go through, even though I was a professional in the home care field. I sincerely hope you find some help. Maybe it will take an event down the road to make them see that they need help. Take care of yourself

This is great information. Information I wish I had known about in 2019. My FIL (83 y/o) passed away last year. I firmly believe this did not need to happen. He was living about an hour away from us and my husband would go there weekly. He was mostly independent but he started having some minor issues with a-fib, etc. The worst part, though, was that he just wouldn't take care of himself nutritionally. He is/was FIERCELY independent. We tried to get him to move closer to us but he would have none of apartment life, or alternatively, purchasing something that wasn't almost free--even though he had quite a bit of money. We honestly just didn't know what to do. He then got sick with bronchitis, which turned into something worse (because he wasn't taking care of himself). He ended up in the hospital and it all went downhill from there and he passed.

As I said, I am convinced that if he had been properly looked after, fed well, and tended to (even in the dreaded assisted living) he'd still be alive today. Right before the bronchitis, the man was doing his own yard work and traveling.

OP--your situation sounds similar. Your parents can no longer really take care of themselves well, but don't want to change anything. It's a very hard situation to be in. I wish there were ways that adult children could force things, but I guess that could easily be abused so here's what we are left with.

 

[Micca]

So suggestions on how to go about having a productive conversation with them?

It's possible that you cannot have a productive conversation with them. When I dealt with this with my mother I just didn't have any credibility on this topic with her, I was still her "child" (never mind I was 50 at the time.)

Is there someone they trust, perhaps their doctor? Do they have friends that might be able to reason with them? Perhaps a pastor? I think it's time for the professionals to deal with this, if you have to go through their primary care physician to get it done, so be it.

I don't know if in-home care would be sufficient, it may be time for assisted living. In the case of my mother it was a matter of she kept falling down. She'd crawl to her phone and call my sister to come help her off the floor. After a few times of that, we were able to convince her she needed to be in a place where someone could provide immediate attention. I will say she was a bit more amenable to assisted living after she visited a few places, there are some really nice (but pricey) options if it comes to that.

All the best to you with your decisions. In the end you'll do what's best for your parents.

 

[luvnwdwgal]

My in-laws are both in their early 90’s and live around the corner from us. They both need 24/7 care which my husband, his twin brother, and 2 older sisters take care of. My mother-in-law refuses any outside help. She says that’s why she had kids. My husband’s oldest sister is 71 and takes care of them about 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. My husband is 65 and still works full time. He stops by after work every day for a couple hours to help his sister with dinner plus we make dinner twice a week and he spends Friday and Saturday nights with them. His twin brother spends all day Sunday (24 hours) with them and stays with them 5 nights a week. His other older sister is 70 and basically just runs errands and visits occasionally. She refuses to cook for them. They are all retired. My mother-in-law has always been a difficult women and will be until her last breath. She does nothing but complain and doesn’t appreciate anything anybody does for them. My father-in-law just keeps telling them that he hopes they never have to go through this and keeps apologizing for their mother. Neither one of them makes anything easy and have basically made everybody’s life a living hell. It’s terrible to say this but I’m pretty sure when the time comes there won’t be a wet eye in the house. I would never expect my children to have to literally turn their lives upside down to take care of me the way they have, especially at their ages. Sorry I really didn’t help you. I guess I just needed to vent.

 

[JimMIA]

Have you reached out to Senior Services in their area?

This is GREAT advice, and something that my MIL benefited greatly from.

In our case, the contact person was a really dedicated social worker at a rehab center where MIL spent a week following a hospital stay. She pulled SO many things together that we didn't even think MIL qualified for -- simply because we were not aware the resources were available.

For the last year or more of her life, MIL had RN home visits 5 days a week, free food delivery, and a home health care aide who visited three times per day, seven days per week. That priceless assistance enabled her to remain in her condo, which we are convinced enhanced both the length and quality of her life.

The one caution I would offer about any of the home health care options is to personally, physically check often on them. You need to be physically present on a regular basis.

We live only about 20 minutes from Grandma's condo, so it was a simple matter for DW to make the drive and check. Our last aide, Giselle, was spectacular -- but we had a couple that were not great. So you need to check on them.

 

[FigmentSpark]

My parents are about 5 years older than yours and about 5 years further on with health problems (only I live a 24 hr drive away, so doesn't happen often). My mom is wishing they had moved out of their 2 storey home years ago. They are trying to get rid of stuff, but my dad has that depression era mentality of "save or sell", not give away or throw away. It's to the point now that they will have to get someone to move things out for them, because my dad can't do stairs anymore and my mom is constantly exhausted from running up and down stairs for him.

So, first, get your parents to clean out their junk. If there's a chance they will move, that would be a good thing. Better yet, if they can afford a senior's residence (not nursing home) where meals are prepared, but they have their own apartment, you might suggest that. If not, have you checked with companies like "Meals on Wheels"? If they can afford all the processed foods, they could afford a meal service.

Good luck.

 

[HeatherC]

My parents are the same age and I am in the same position. I also live about the same distance which is about an hour and a half. It is very hard. One suggestion I have is maybe look into a meal delivery service where all they need to do is put the dinner in the oven or microwave. Not the meal kits because they probably wouldn’t do them.

We are planning to start this in the fall for my parents because they just aren’t bothering to cook much anymore. During the summer, however, I am there enough as welL as my brother and sister dropping off meals. (they live local to them). I think one is called Fresh Express but I could be wrong.

‘My mom was actually in assisted living until Covid hit. We decided it would be safer for her to be at the house with my dad, which it has been overall since he is still in good health and very active. But we are seeing the toll it is taking for them to care for each other and the house and it is very hard.

Anyway, I wish you the best and hope this might help.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

Also an RN. Cared for my mother for 25 years. She just passed at 94. Fortunately we were able to keep her at home (we have an in-law apt) and DD (also an RN now) and I were able to do all her care, including hospice, for which we had a nurse visit once a week and helped us with supplies, etc. No other services (so it was a LOT of work and I am still drained!). We are also living this with FIL who is 88 and has a multitude of medical problems. This is something we see in the hospital all the time, too.

I would say from your description it is time to start thinking about assisted living for them. Things are not going to get better, they're only going to get harder, and there could be an event that causes a crisis and then you'll be under the gun to get things going. Better to plan in advance which will give you time to make better decisions. I would start by calling a meeting with their PCP. You said you have health POA so that should not be a problem. Get the PCP to partner with you to help solve these problems, which are big ones. Falls are the things that kill and disable people, so this is a major issue for your Dad. I imagine he has pain, too. Not to mention the sodium levels. What have they done to help correct this? It's not just a matter of eating salt, which could exacerbate his heart problems, as it sounds like could've happened already. Ugh. The prepared foods are also big problem for him. So these are things to discuss with the PCP. Same for your mother.

@disneyseniors offered some great information if you want to try to keep them at home. It will still be difficult at times, though, because someone won't be there all the time and it's the middle of the night and weekends and such that problems seem to surface. You could try to arrange round the clock care but there are inherent problems with that, too, such as skill, reliability and trustworthiness, etc. My mother broke her hip just sitting down on the toilet! Before she came home from rehab we had to have the PT and OT from there come to the house to evaluate it for safety. Fortunately when we built the in-law I had it made all handicap-accessible, however they still found a few things we had to enhance for safety, such as adding bars to the wall by the toilet and coming up the stairs going into the house, replacing kitchen chairs with ones with arms on them, and the big one, turning off the stove permanently as at that point she was no longer safe to cook. These are all things we either don't think about or don't realize. Honestly I kind of fought that last one because Mom loved to cook, but they were right and I had to see reality. They said that most houses were not like hers, that sometimes people couldn't even go home they were so unsafe. So just something to think about. I think in your situation I would seriously start looking at a nice assisted living facility where they would have help available to them 24/7/365 and meals provided from their prescribed diet, etc. Because you are not able to be right there, nor is your brother, but even if you were it is a lot to manage. I'm not saying it's easy, I'm just saying you probably need to start thinking about it before something worse happens.

 

[QueenIsabella]

We went through this with my MIL. Unfortunately, she would only look seriously at assisted living AFTER she fell and broke her hip. Sometimes, it needs to come to that. I wish we could have gotten her in there sooner--she was very independent, and we lived in fear that she would fall while changing a lightbulb, or something equally dumb. (it turns out, it was a fall from height that broke the hip, and another fall from height that directly caused her death 2 years later).

One thing that might be worth discussing--if they can move into assisted living sooner rather than later, they can have more say in location, style, etc. Their best choice might have a wait list. My MIL found a place that she really loved--brand new, excellent care, excellent food, gardens and social activities and so on. Her biggest complaint? The good food made her gain weight! But, we were thrilled that she was so happy there (and was eating well--a common issue with the elderly).

I wish you well, this isn't easy.

 

[tvguy]

Well, I was lucky in that my mom had purchased long term care insurance and had a game plan in place so I knew her wishes. I was also lucky that I didn't have to take action until she was 89. It was overwhelming for me given that mom had done most of the work for me in advance. Good luck

 

[TLSnell1981]

My in-laws are both in their early 90’s and live around the corner from us. They both need 24/7 care which my husband, his twin brother, and 2 older sisters take care of. My mother-in-law refuses any outside help. She says that’s why she had kids. My husband’s oldest sister is 71 and takes care of them about 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. My husband is 65 and still works full time. He stops by after work every day for a couple hours to help his sister with dinner plus we make dinner twice a week and he spends Friday and Saturday nights with them. His twin brother spends all day Sunday (24 hours) with them and stays with them 5 nights a week. His other older sister is 70 and basically just runs errands and visits occasionally. She refuses to cook for them. They are all retired. My mother-in-law has always been a difficult women and will be until her last breath. She does nothing but complain and doesn’t appreciate anything anybody does for them. My father-in-law just keeps telling them that he hopes they never have to go through this and keeps apologizing for their mother. Neither one of them makes anything easy and have basically made everybody’s life a living hell. It’s terrible to say this but I’m pretty sure when the time comes there won’t be a wet eye in the house. I would never expect my children to have to literally turn their lives upside down to take care of me the way they have, especially at their ages. Sorry I really didn’t help you. I guess I just needed to vent.

Bless y'all!

 

[LovesTimone]

Hugs to you.

Have you reached out to Senior Services in their area? Is there a Meals on Wheels program that can bring meals to them? There may be other senior services in their area, too, where someone will go look in on them or volunteer to help them with some of the errands that you are running. It's tough with Covid-as some of these services may be limited.

Any chance they could move closer to you or where you might land, if your husband has a transfer?

Unfortunately, it may take something drastic to cause them to come around to asking for appropriate help.

OP here,

I took your advice and did some research, and the meals on wheels in there area, is up and running... so I am going to approach this with them.. At least they could be getting some real food, daily... at least this would be a step in the right direction..

They don't want to move... Yet I know something is going to have to change, I would prefer that it is their idea, this way they are in control and making decision for themselves... and this is helps with keeping their independence.. My mom says "I was born here and I will die here",
My dad on the other hand would move...

Where they live there is a continuing life facility... and its like a resort, like really upscale nice apartments with granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, the bathrooms are set up with pull bars, and they have emergency pull cords, ... lots of amenities, a huge pool, hot tub, billiards/game room, state of the art gym, a huge library, lots of activities on site and buses for shopping, and other events, as well doctors and other medical visit transportation are included in the monthly price and 2 meals a day and they have a in house chef, housing keeping twice a month, ... and if they started in what they have classified as independent living, they could afford it... and the price never changes, then later they could move to the assisted living and then nursing home when the time came.. This way they could be under one roof... as it stands now if one of them went to or had to go to assisted living or a nursing home they would be separated, and no way to see each other, except for if myself and or my brother took them... I really want them to be under one roof...

 

[LovesTimone]

LovesTimone, I emphasize with what you are going through. I hope I can give another perspective on their care.

I am a retired Home Care RN, also hospice. I hope that you can get an RN from their local home care to come in a do an assessment on them. Anyone can order an initial visit, either you or a doctor. I understand your feelings and what you are going through and I know it is not easy.
The home health agency can have RN visits as needed (from daily, weekly, etc). These RN visits are usually weekly. They can arrange for home health aides to assist with cooking, cleaning, and personal care(if needed). They can schedule home physical therapy, home oxygen, any home aides needed such as walkers, wheelchairs with no cost to them. This is all taken care of by Medicare, which they have been paying most of their lives. There is no charge to them. They can even have a volunteer to come in and visit with them if needed. There is so much available for the elderly that I may have missed some of the assistance that can be given.
Maybe they would be willing to at least have an initial assessment if their doctor referred them?

It sounds like you have your hands full and need help. You can go and talk with a home care agency to see what they offer. You cannot do it all alone or you will be too stressed and tired to be of any help. We had the same type problems with my Dad, and he ended up with some dementia which caused him to not like me too much for getting him the help he needed. It was all worth it to get him the care he needed, but was still difficult to go through, even though I was a professional in the home care field. I sincerely hope you find some help. Maybe it will take an event down the road to make them see that they need help. Take care of yourself

I worked in long term care for over 10 years, I was a activity director, I worked with all the different discipline's ... I think that all that training, and working there was preparing for this... I am taking your advice, and I am going to look into Medicare as well as their supplemental to see what else is offered, that I might be able to get them to use... As well, another poster suggested meals on wheels... So I did some research on yesterday, in the town that they live in, and it is up and running, so I am going to follow through more today... and approach this with them...


If this event with my Dad being in ICU, almost dying did not make them take notice, I really don't know what will... I looked into medic alert, and my Dad said "that's for old people"... I said what do you consider old? your in your 80's... and since January... you have fallen twice... and mom's in her late 70's, and fallen 3 or 4 times... it's not about age its about your safety... His response is "we can talk about it later on, your going to upset your mom, she doesn't want it", and that was that.

The problem with getting the doctor to refer them is that are not forth coming with the doctor about what is really happening... So he doesn't have a clear picture of what is going on with them... I can't go into the doctors office with them, so that I can talk to the doctor, and give him a real picture of what is going on.. Short of calling the Doctor, which I don't think that he would talk to me, because of the hippa law... he might listen to me, at least... I really don't want to go behind their backs... yet it might come to this...

 

[TLSnell1981]

I worked in long term care for over 10 years, I was a activity director, I worked with all the different discipline's ... I think that all that training, and working there was preparing for this... I am taking your advice, and I am going to look into Medicare as well as their supplemental to see what else is offered, that I might be able to get them to use... As well, another poster suggested meals on wheels... So I did some research on yesterday, in the town that they live in, and it is up and running, so I am going to follow through more today... and approach this with them...


If this event with my Dad being in ICU, almost dying did not make them take notice, I really don't know what will... I looked into medic alert, and my Dad said "that's for old people"... I said what do you consider old? your in your 80's... and since January... you have fallen twice... and mom's in her late 70's, and fallen 3 or 4 times... it's not about age its about your safety... His response is "we can talk about it later on, your going to upset your mom, she doesn't want it", and that was that.

The problem with getting the doctor to refer them is that are not forth coming with the doctor about what is really happening... So he doesn't have a clear picture of what is going on with them... I can't go into the doctors office with them, so that I can talk to the doctor, and give him a real picture of what is going on.. Short of calling the Doctor, which I don't think that he would talk to me, because of the hippa law... he might listen to me, at least... I really don't want to go behind their backs... yet it might come to this...

You have MPOA. If the physician feels they are unable to make decisions for themselves...you can. Although we had no trouble talking to doctors prior to the situation deteriorating to that point.

 

[RUDisney]

OP here,

I took your advice and did some research, and the meals on wheels in there area, is up and running... so I am going to approach this with them.. At least they could be getting some real food, daily... at least this would be a step in the right direction..

They don't want to move... Yet I know something is going to have to change, I would prefer that it is their idea, this way they are in control and making decision for themselves... and this is helps with keeping their independence.. My mom says "I was born here and I will die here",
My dad on the other hand would move...

Where they live there is a continuing life facility... and its like a resort, like really upscale nice apartments with granite counter tops, stainless steel appliances, the bathrooms are set up with pull bars, and they have emergency pull cords, ... lots of amenities, a huge pool, hot tub, billiards/game room, state of the art gym, a huge library, lots of activities on site and buses for shopping, and other events, as well doctors and other medical visit transportation are included in the monthly price and 2 meals a day and they have a in house chef, housing keeping twice a month, ... and if they started in what they have classified as independent living, they could afford it... and the price never changes, then later they could move to the assisted living and then nursing home when the time came.. This way they could be under one roof... as it stands now if one of them went to or had to go to assisted living or a nursing home they would be separated, and no way to see each other, except for if myself and or my brother took them... I really want them to be under one roof...

OP,

My MIL will be 87 on Monday. Her youngest daughter has the brunt of her care. I cook for her on Sundays and take her meals. Her youngest DD cooks for her during the week and her oldest DD sends her takeout. (The reason why I started cooking for her... too much salt in takeout.) Her DSs visit on a daily/weekly basis, depending on their schedules. She refuses to leave her house, too. She will never leave it because her brother can afford to give her 24X7 care, in house, which is nice, but we all know that she would do better with companionship on a daily basis, even if it was in a senior center, but she refuses to go.

Your last sentence hit home, though. My BIL's father (87) had a stroke and while recovering, he fell and broke his femur. He will never be able to go home again. His house has too many stairs and he currently needs 2 people to help him to walk and meet his needs. It wasn't until his last medical issues that they started talking about moving into senior living. Now, they would like to be together, but can't be. His wife was forced, by her DS to go to have her hearing checked. She told the doctor that she didn't know why she was there. She kept answering different questions than he was asking and sure enough, she had so much wax build up that it was affecting her hearing and after that was removed, she still needed hearing aids.

You are definitely not alone in what you're going through.

You have medical POA. There is no reason that you can't call the doctor before their visits and tell the truth about what's going on with them. You should also be able to receive a call after their visit to know exactly what the doctor's recommendations are.

My prayers are with you that you are able to get through this with grace. Everyone goes through this, or something similar, at some point in their lives.

 

[LovesTimone]

My in-laws are both in their early 90’s and live around the corner from us. They both need 24/7 care which my husband, his twin brother, and 2 older sisters take care of. My mother-in-law refuses any outside help. She says that’s why she had kids. My husband’s oldest sister is 71 and takes care of them about 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. My husband is 65 and still works full time. He stops by after work every day for a couple hours to help his sister with dinner plus we make dinner twice a week and he spends Friday and Saturday nights with them. His twin brother spends all day Sunday (24 hours) with them and stays with them 5 nights a week. His other older sister is 70 and basically just runs errands and visits occasionally. She refuses to cook for them. They are all retired. My mother-in-law has always been a difficult women and will be until her last breath. She does nothing but complain and doesn’t appreciate anything anybody does for them. My father-in-law just keeps telling them that he hopes they never have to go through this and keeps apologizing for their mother. Neither one of them makes anything easy and have basically made everybody’s life a living hell. It’s terrible to say this but I’m pretty sure when the time comes there won’t be a wet eye in the house. I would never expect my children to have to literally turn their lives upside down to take care of me the way they have, especially at their ages. Sorry I really didn’t help you. I guess I just needed to vent.

My mom is very difficult, and getting more so, due to the fact my dad just doesn't have the energy to deal with her shenanigans... Right now she is upset because I haven't been over to see them... in a couple of week... She knows that I am watching my Grandson who is 5 and just absolutely the cutest thing in the world and the apple of my eye... and I am so spoiling him ...and it is so much fun... I am helping my DD out so that she could go back to work ... My mom started in on me about not coming over there, and I said if you say another word, I will hang up the phone... and she said well, here you can talk to your FATHER... I was like great.. This sound terrible, yet is was so satisfying to stop her in her tracks... before she could get started... I have started implementing this tactic, to stop her, either I say, okay well I'm driving, and either heavy traffic or raining.., or I got go, or let me talk to Dad, or something else to get off the phone... before she escalate's... So far it's been working...

Normally when I'm not watching him, I go over there once a week if possible or for sure every other week and DH and I try to go once a month on the weekend, and to do somethings that I can't do..., Last time we were over there, We bought them a new toaster, and a new CD player so they can listen to the church service, and brought a shower chair for them... and we have been doing other things inside the house for them... she always has something to say, to poke, complain, or aggravate me, normally she behaves when my DH is there... last time not so much, DH is always very respectful... in the car he said you need to stop putting up with her non-sense, and tell her ... I don't care who it is, they are not going to speak to you or treat you the way she just did... if she won't stop, I will have a chat with your Dad ... DH is a no nonsense kinda guy...

We are planning on replacing the shower head in the master bathroom. This fall we are planning on replacing the screen on the patio, and pressure washing the driveway and side walk... and the house is getting almost to the point that it is going to need painting most likely next year... my Dad does appreciate what we do for them... he like you guys don't have to do all that...

If I could count on my brother for help, this would help me out immensely, as lives only about 25 minutes from them... which unfortunately he has his own set of problems, health wise and personal wise... He has helped out a couple of times... with some minor things... which I appreciate... All in all ... really it's just me... I can see looking forward that something is going to have to give... so I am trying to fortify myself for the up coming storm...