Death......

[DizBelle]

A family member dies. When this happens, the world must stop spinning. You have to drop everything in your life. You have to drop a couple thousand dollars on last minute plane tickets to travel. It is really a major disruption and serious expense.

I'm in the same camp that my mother was. She always said that the only funeral she would go to would be her own. And that ended up being true for her. I wish I could do that.

I've made it clear to DH that he's to not have any of this nonsense when I die.

 

[Gumbo4x4]

When my mom's oldest sister died, the middle sister was in Germany on her "trip of a lifetime". We all agreed that the best thing we could do was wait until she got home to tell her. So, we had the funeral without her. My aunt (the one who passed) wouldn't have wanted the event to ruin her sister's trip.

 

[MIGrandma]

Totally understand how you feel as I pretty much feel the same way. A funeral/memorial is for the LIVING, not the person who is DEAD. I always wonder why people say "I want my funeral to be this way...or that way...blah blah blah." Who cares? You're not going to know. You'll be DEAD!!

I HATE funerals with a passion, and finally as I've gotten older have decided I won't go unless I was close to the person or have great respect for them, or their family, etc. I went to my best friend's Dad's memorial simply to support HER, I didn't know her Dad that well, but wanted to be there for HER. But as far as other funerals go, nope, not going. I may send a sympathy card though.

For MY OWN funeral, I couldn't care less what my family does. It's up to THEM, not me. I truly have no wishes that I demand or want carried out. DH and I have talked and he doesn't have any wishes of his own either, so if he goes first it will be a simple private family service. I don't need his relatives coming out in droves to attend his funeral when they won't come to see him when he's alive or really have much of anything to do with him (long story - he was Mennonite when we married and most of them wouldn't come to our wedding and eventually he was expelled from the church).

I had a VERY difficult time with my Dad's funeral. It was a l-o-n-g 3 day event, visitations twice daily on days one and two. Horrible. I hate that my last memory of him is him in the coffin. I didn't even want to look at him in it, but my Mother kept hounding me so I finally did and wish I hadn't. To ME funerals are morbid and not necessary.

I'm having a really hard time thinking about my Mom's funeral, as she wants one just like she had for my Dad. I have thought about discussing it with her, but really don't know how to approach her. She will be 80 in a couple of weeks and lives in a nursing home.

I see by reading obituaries in our local paper that so many people now days are either having no service at all, or a private family service, or a memorial at a later date. Not many regular funerals anymore, and I definitely like that trend.

 

[amberpi]

I was dead for 3:35 and have really weird perspectives on this because of it.

 

[Skippy918]

There were no services for FIL when he died. Him and MIL wanted cremation and that was it.

 

[MIGrandma]

I was dead for 3:35 and have really weird perspectives on this because of it.

I, for one, would love to hear your perspectives if you'd care to share. If not, I totally understand.

 

[mousefanmichelle]

When my mom died 13 years ago we had the long 3 day funeral - 2 days in the funeral home and then the funeral service, luncheon on the 3rd day. My dad passed away this past July and we did 2 days - 1 day at funeral parlor and then the next day service and luncheon. It was so much better but the cost was the same.... Funerals are expensive and I see why people do memorial services instead. I would not stop my life to attend one unless it was a parent but my family is local so flights and whatnot wouldn't impact us.

 

[cabanafrau]

We did none of it when my dad died and plan to follow the same for my mom. I want nothing myself, but if my husband or my daughters need to gather with people in a formal way to grieve, that's their choice and I won't care.

I sure don't think of expense or inconvenience first when a family member or close friend dies or has a death in their family. If I can go to be supportive for someone in a tough time, I go.

 

[maxaroni]

We did direct cremation for my mom and my dad wants the same. DH & I feel the same for us, as well.

 

[wilkeliza]

I have mixed feelings about funerals. My mother's was lovely and was what was needed. I was 15 when she passed (my brothers 16 and 18) and we needed the funeral. Our whole family needed it really. It wasn't anything big just a service in our church and was suppose to be lead by her childhood pastor but the new pastor had a big head and only let him give a small talk not the whole thing like my mom wanted. Then there was a small graveside service in our family cemetery a few hours away. I'll never forget how my classmates and teachers came to the funeral home and then to the church. I was in JROTC and FFA and both sets of officers came in their dress uniforms. It meant a ton to me.

Now when my grandfather died I just didn't get the funeral. He never went to church so no clue where the guy they got came from. My cousin and I were close with our grandpa (I lived with them for 6 months she lived down the street) but they told stories about my grandpa and my youngest brother and his girlfriend. It was so odd because the stories they were telling were not the ones I would have thought would have been shared about him.

The final funeral that will make 0 sense to me is when my father ultimately passes away. I've told people I'm not going as I will not stand there and listen to people say he was a great man when he was an abusive alcoholic who cheated on his wife, ran away with one of his mistresses, and left his kids to starve after their mom died. Those are the funerals I just don't get. Why even bother gathering to act like anyone actually liked the man and smile and cry over it?

 

[BLAZEY]

We had a big service for my Grannie when she passed unexpectedly then we planted a tree with her ashes. 16 years later when Grampa passed, we had the family pick a day and mixed his ashes into the soil with Grannie's Tree. We went and had lunch after.

 

[amberpi]

I, for one, would love to hear your perspectives if you'd care to share. If not, I totally understand.

I don't have good, fully formed answers...previous to dying I was an uninterested agnostic, kind of waiting for future intelligence. I got future intelligence, in my death experience, that there is certainly MORE, but I'm not smart enough/enlightened enough to know what that means, other than we should help others in this life. My experience made me start working for our local domestic violence center and our local domestic violence outreach program to the jails. Its not easy, but its very worthwhile. My experience has made my life here SO much more worthwhile. That's all I got. It was profound for me, but I don't think it is in the re-telling.

 

[CdnCarrie]

You go to a funeral to support the loved ones left behind. I would be very angry and upset if someone close to me died and my close friends and family chose not to attend as "they don't like funerals".
Is there anyone that LIKES funerals?

 

[amberpi]

I don't have good, fully formed answers...previous to dying I was an uninterested agnostic, kind of waiting for future intelligence. I got future intelligence, in my death experience, that there is certainly MORE, but I'm not smart enough/enlightened enough to know what that means, other than we should help others in this life. My experience made me start working for our local domestic violence center and our local domestic violence outreach program to the jails. Its not easy, but its very worthwhile. My experience has made my life here SO much more worthwhile. That's all I got. It was profound for me, but I don't think it is in the re-telling.

Regarding after death, I don't think it matters, I think your stamp on the world while you're here is the important bit.

 

[pryncess527]

I don't care about the details (burial vs cremation; graveside service vs church, etc), but I have found family gatherings after death to be very cathartic. That's what I think of when I think of "funeral"

 

[bellebud]

I don't have good, fully formed answers...previous to dying I was an uninterested agnostic, kind of waiting for future intelligence. I got future intelligence, in my death experience, that there is certainly MORE, but I'm not smart enough/enlightened enough to know what that means, other than we should help others in this life. My experience made me start working for our local domestic violence center and our local domestic violence outreach program to the jails. Its not easy, but its very worthwhile. My experience has made my life here SO much more worthwhile. That's all I got. It was profound for me, but I don't think it is in the re-telling.

very interesting. can you elaborate on the details of what you felt/saw in death?? or you can't really describe?? this stuff is fascinating to me.

 

[amberpi]

very interesting. can you elaborate on the details of what you felt/saw in death?? or you can't really describe?? this stuff is fascinating to me.

Some of it is impossible to explain. I was dead for only 3:35, I was in a coma for 6 days after that. I can tell you, touch gets through to people to people in a coma, they shaped my weird visions during that time. My dad came and would sing to me, songs he made up as a child for me, and I know he pretty much lived at the hospital, as did my mom (they are still adorable together), but I remember my friends/family who would hold my hand, and those are the ones I would fight to live for, which sounds dramatic, but, I mean, it was dramatic. Literally, life and death.

In death, my grandmother came to me and took me to the library I pretty much lived at as a kid and told me to send the message of being a better person out to the world in action and deeds. Now I do tons of volunteer work and am trying to get my story published by a few major houses, we'll see. I'm not that special, but I hope my story helps women to keep striving for more, in the face of any adversity. I just hope most don't have to re-learn to walk, which is a HARD and humbling process, to get there!

 

[Dizneefamily+4]

Where I live now in NE Wisconsin, funerals are a big deal. As soon as someone dies, the ladies in the church are already preparing casseroles for the "lunch" after the funeral service. Someone dies, and typically 3 or 4 days later, the visitation is held (usually from mid-afternoon until 8 or 9 pm.) Then on the next day, another short visitation is held followed by the funeral service and then the procession to the cemetery grave site. All of this is followed by a lunch. This is just how it's done. And yes, we pretty much attend funerals (or at least the visitation) for all family, friends, parents of friends, etc. I'm quite certain that nobody actually LIKES funerals, but we go to support the living.

My mom passed away unexpectedly 8 years ago. I'm from the Chicago suburbs. My dad was pretty helpless when it came time to plan things - other than having my mom cremated at her request. My brother and sister were clueless. It fell on me. I organized a memorial service for her in the community room of my parent's condo. I made a memory board with family pictures, ordered food to be catered in and got the obituary and service notice published - all from Wisconsin. It was a very short event, but my dh and his parents (who came to support me and my dad) were perplexed with the entire thing.

Fast forward 3 more years and my dad passed away after a 2 year battle with cancer. The man was a hermit his entire life. He had no wishes or plans for a funeral. We had nothing. Not. a. thing. He was cremated as well. My brother (being the only one who lived close) eventually picked up his ashes and still has them (and my mom's) To this day, my dh STILL comments on how we didn't have a funeral, a service, or SOMETHING.

 

[MIGrandma]

I don't have good, fully formed answers...previous to dying I was an uninterested agnostic, kind of waiting for future intelligence. I got future intelligence, in my death experience, that there is certainly MORE, but I'm not smart enough/enlightened enough to know what that means, other than we should help others in this life. My experience made me start working for our local domestic violence center and our local domestic violence outreach program to the jails. Its not easy, but its very worthwhile. My experience has made my life here SO much more worthwhile. That's all I got. It was profound for me, but I don't think it is in the re-telling.

Some of it is impossible to explain. I was dead for only 3:35, I was in a coma for 6 days after that. I can tell you, touch gets through to people to people in a coma, they shaped my weird visions during that time. My dad came and would sing to me, songs he made up as a child for me, and I know he pretty much lived at the hospital, as did my mom (they are still adorable together), but I remember my friends/family who would hold my hand, and those are the ones I would fight to live for, which sounds dramatic, but, I mean, it was dramatic. Literally, life and death.

In death, my grandmother came to me and took me to the library I pretty much lived at as a kid and told me to send the message of being a better person out to the world in action and deeds. Now I do tons of volunteer work and am trying to get my story published by a few major houses, we'll see. I'm not that special, but I hope my story helps women to keep striving for more, in the face of any adversity. I just hope most don't have to re-learn to walk, which is a HARD and humbling process, to get there!

Thank you so much for sharing this. I do hope you are able to get your story published, I would definitely love to read it.

 

[Domo]

I want to be cremated and scattered at sea. A sense of freedom, no grave to weep over and no occupation of land that could be better used.