"Open Casket" when it should have been "Closed Casket"

[C.Ann]

That is really wonderful that you could see that at such a young age, you must have been very mature.
That's my point, the decisions for the services are given to the parents (or closest relative) because they are going to live with this for the rest of their lives & it (the grief) will become a part of who they are, not a simple vent on a message board, not a simple "should have been closed" statement, know what I mean?

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While I understand what you're saying, a "family" very rarely is only "one" person.. There are spouses, parents, siblings, children (who are sometimes quite young) and if the condition of the body is so gruesome that it is going to traumatize family members, there are other ways in which the situation can be handled in order to provide closure for those family members who "need" that time with the deceased.. Funeral homes always offer the option of private family viewing both before and after the public viewing.. Just because a casket is closed for the public viewing does not mean that it can't be "open" both before and after..

Believe me, I have been to some gut-wrenching viewings.. My cousins 5 year old son - who was killed by a drunk driver.. A good friends 18 month old daughter - who died after open heart surgery.. My 17 year old cousin - also killed by a drunk driver.. And the list goes on.. But in all of those viewings the deceased looked "peaceful" - not gruesome.. I can certainly understand the need for closure - for everyone involved - but it doesn't have to be a "one way or the other" option.. There is nothing preventing the family from doing both..

 

[nannerbadnanner]

My dad passed away in January, and I will forever be grateful for an open casket. He died after a long struggle with cancer, and his last few weeks were horrendous. He was so gaunt and you could just see the pain etched in his features. I feared looking at him, but in his casket he looked so peaceful and handsome. The funeral home did a wonderful job of making him look like my dad again. I am so thankful that I have that as my last image of him.

That being said, I have never been to a funeral with an open casket where there was a traumatic injury. I honestly don't know if I would actually be able to view the body.

 

[TomLovesBecky]

Then just think of how the family feels & have some compassion & respect.

First of all, I never said I don't have compassion and respect. I said I was disturbed by it. I said I didn't know what they were thinking...meaning (surprise!) I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE THINKING!!! Or feeling. Or whatever. It was not discussed. I said how it affected ME. I never said I knew why they did it or didn't have compassion for them. I would never complain to them or say a word about it. They are going through enough. Still doesn't mean I can't say I was DISTURBED by it...that was my reaction and you can't stop me from stating it. I swear, this is the craziest message board I have ever been a part of! Including the UNmoderated ones!

 

[xoprincessmomxo]

My dad passed away in January, and I will forever be grateful for an open casket. He died after a long struggle with cancer, and his last few weeks were horrendous. He was so gaunt and you could just see the pain etched in his features. I feared looking at him, but in his casket he looked so peaceful and handsome. The funeral home did a wonderful job of making him look like my dad again. I am so thankful that I have that as my last image of him.

That being said, I have never been to a funeral with an open casket where there was a traumatic injury. I honestly don't know if I would actually be able to view the body.

I know all too well what you've gone through...it's amazing how quickly that pain and suffering can vanish from their face with the help of a caring funeral home.

 

[transparant]

I've been to a few that were disturbing to me. I was to one a little over a year ago that was open - he didn't look bad at all, in fact he was beautiful. But it was just so sad that talking about it even now brings me to tears.

 

[nannerbadnanner]

I know all too well what you've gone through...it's amazing how quickly that pain and suffering can vanish from their face with the help of a caring funeral home.

to you too.

 

[Luv'sTink]

Then just think of how the family feels & have some compassion & respect.

First of all, I never said I don't have compassion and respect. I said I was disturbed by it. I said I didn't know what they were thinking...meaning (surprise!) I DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY WERE THINKING!!! Or feeling. Or whatever. It was not discussed. I said how it affected ME. I never said I knew why they did it or didn't have compassion for them. I would never complain to them or say a word about it. They are going through enough. Still doesn't mean I can't say I was DISTURBED by it...that was my reaction and you can't stop me from stating it. I swear, this is the craziest message board I have ever been a part of! Including the UNmoderated ones!

I think you may have over stepped the line with your above post to TomLovesBecky, but I see TomLovesBecky has handled the reply very well and I will leave it at that.

 

[shortbun]

We only have memorial services in our family. There is no casket. I went to an open casket funeral for an 89yo woman who had been bed ridden for two years just this Wednesday. What a macabre thing! I didn't go near the front of the room. My girlfriends mother drug me to the casket to look at her husband. I was 18 and it shook me up so badly I stopped attending funerals for many years. What's the point?

 

[Biscuitsmom31]

I don't like doing the viewings either. For me, seeing someone I knew and loved laying motionless in a casket is traumatic. I was 12 when my great grandfather died and his was the first viewing I ever attended. I had nightmares about it for years. My great-grandmother died a year or so later and we were running late and missed the viewing before the funeral. I still have very pleasant memories of her but my main memory of my grandpa is the trauma of seeing him dead.

I have had to attend many viewings since of other relatives out of respect. While they have not been as traumatic to me as that first experience, I feel I have better memories of the friends and relatives I did not view after their death.

 

[RNMOM]

I choose not to attend funerals unless I have no choice. The last one I was at was DH's aunt and it was closed. His mom was the last open casket I was at.

I want no service, no embalming and no visitatioin. I want to be cremated as quick as possible. Please, just honor my wishes and I will be happy. I have told my family to have a nice vacation with the funds which would have been used for the above.

I guess I have a weird sense of death. I am not religious and even though I have a lot of experience with several different religions through friends and family I don't wish to have my death dealt with in that way. If feels phoney to me. See, weird, I know.

I feel also it is up to each family to do what feels right for them. It is never easy and if each of us decides what we would like for ourselves and makes our family aware it could make it a lot easier. My MIL had a planned service and it went very smoothly. I hope mine does also.

 

[newbie2disney]

I went to the funeral of my son's classmate yesterday. She was 15 years old and was killed riding her moped on the 4th of July. She died of severe head trauma and it was open casket. You could tell they used a lot of make-up and couldn't cover the severe facial bruising, but I think it was reassuring to her classmates, family and friends that they could see her one last time.

 

[chisnpeke]

Regardless of how someone dies, I really have a lot of trouble looking at a dead person in a casket. I couldn't look at my grandma on my mom's side because I loved her so much and did not want to have my last memory of her dead. Even though the last time I saw her she was very very sick (she had cancer), it was still better to me than seeing her in a casket and dead. My grandpa on my mom's side died pretty suddenly...he went into the hospital sick and was diagnosed with lung cancer and within a day of his official diagnosis he was gone. I couldn't look at him.

My dad's mom I wasn't ever close to and honestly didn't even cry. She just wasn't my grandma and didn't act grandmotherly to me. My heart only belonged to my mom's mom. I was only one when my dad's dad died, so I never knew him.

 

[DisneyKT]

I think how people handle death is varied and personal choice. My Uncle died on his motorcycle he was ran over by a truck. My aunt had open casket for close family and closed for the public.

It doesn't bother me,Im really there just to support the families who have lost a love one.

Also I would like to say Sorry to all on this thread for your loses.
So many sad accidents.

 

[Goobergal99]

My cousin was murdered by her husband (shot her in the head), really a sad story her brother actually found her body in the house as her husband had killed her and then fled the next day leaving her body there.

We had an open casket, but the wound was in the back of the head and the funeral parlor did an excellent job. It really does creep me out now matter who it is though, I don't know it really intensifies it for me to see them lying their so lifeless... but thats just me

 

[Barbossa]

Wow, some of these open casket stories are incredible. I respect the wishes of the families involved, but if a loved one of mine had died in a very traumatic manner I would definitely want the casket closed.

 

[Master Mason]

So, does anyone else have any "bad open casket" stories, or am I the only morbid one tonight?

When I was 10 years old my dad's father died, I went and looked in the open casket, I swore right then and there I would never look in another one, and to date, I have not.

My Mom's mom was open, I sat in the back and stared at my feet. My mom's we told everyone that wished to view her that they could go in, but it was closed before the service. My dad was cremated, but I did not go view his body before hand. And the list goes on...

Everyone handles death differently, if you need to look then I have no problem with it, it's just not what I need.

I have told my kids that they can do like was done at my mom's if they so desire, but it is to be closed before any service is held. I have also taken the forethought to purchase plots near my parents as well, so that's one less thing they will have to worry about when the time comes.

 

[Tinkerbell424]

I wasn't there but my mom and brother went.
My neighbor was playing Russian Roulette with a gun and he shot his face off [He played with no bullets, but that leads to a really big, controversial story...]
My mom said that it looked like he had silly putty on his face or something. I think they should have left if casket closed...

 

[drag n' fly]

I really don't think their is any protocol for viewing a open casket. You go if you want and don't go if you don't want to. Open casket provides closure for a lot of people even in the worst of circumstances (disfigurement). I have been to a few open casket funerals and was able to place mementos (with permission of couse) in the coffin before burial and it was a comforting closure.

 

[HelenePA]

My grandmother was dead for about 48hrs before anyone realized (trust me this weighs heavy on my heart.. I did try to call her but I just thought she was at work or shopping) anyway... I choose not to have open casket (I was next of kin) My brother and my dad went to see her the night before the viewing. They assured me she looked normal, and was fine for open casket..I couldn't bring myself to do it. My mom was cremated, my dad donated his body to science and we had a big party for him last month. His ashes arrived home the same day as the party but since no one was here to sign for him, he spent the weekend at the post office... I personally HATE open caskets... I had the option to go see my dad before they shipped him off to whereever he went.. I opted to stay home, my brother and my dad's gf went... they said they wish they wouldn't have gone.. well duh I told them that in the beginning.. why would you want that to be the last thought of them? Dead, cold, not sleeping.. they are dead... why would you want that image in your mind?? Yes its the family's choice and I opted for closed casket.. blah I don't want people staring at me when I'm dead.. ick.. close mine thank you.

 

[mselly13]

First I have to say that my GF died 15 or so years ago, I will never forget my grandmother kissing him. Uck! Right then and there I knew I never wanted to see a body again. I also have told DH, DO NOT kiss me and I will NOT kiss you. Since then there have been some where I have seen the body and some I haven't...just depends on my mood and how close I was to them.

jewish people never do open caskets so i was never in a position to see a body until my BIL passed(he was not jewish) and his parents really wanted an open casket. my sister did as they wished, but most of the family on our side were very badly affected by it. it's a picture in my brain i will never forget. that being said, i think my sister did the right thing for her in-laws. she knew that losing their only son was incomprehensibly hard for them and it meant so much for them to see him at peace.

i don't think it is disrespectful to avoid seeing the body. some people just don't want that to be their last memory.

When my nephew passed away he was 14 months old. That was hard but I did see him. I had to for my mom's sake. The had done an autoposy and had sliced his head. My mother paid for the funeral, did all the planning, even picked the plot and casket. The other grandmother got to pick the clothes he was buried in, but she didn't provide a hat, so the funeral home called my mother. And for whatever reason they couldn't put it on him, so my mother had to. I was right there with her so she could. Very difficult.

But anyway, my mother had a few very close jewish friends who wanted to attend for her sake. So we had the viewing the night before. The casket was closed for the service and then after the hall was cleared they opened it one last time before burial. But we respected the Jewish visitors and closed it for the service.

Many years ago we went to a hairdresser that became a family friend. She was murdered and it haunted me for years. I had been to many open casket funerals, but I had never been to one of a murder victim. The look of fear in her face couldn't be concealed. I had always heard that the fear can't be hidden, and its true.

That's interesting. I never heard that.