Worried about my Step Daughter (weight update pg 3)

[Melora]

My step daughter is going to be 12 this month and she has always been a skinny kid. Really really skinny. We have always just figured thats the way she is. About a month or so ago she told me she weighs maybe 70 pounds (within 5 pounds of there I think) and is about 57 inches..though I am making a complete guess at the height.. she comes up to my chin and I am 64 inches.

Recently (this week actually) I was looking at her when she came over and I noticed that she was even skinnier than before..if this was possible. I am not kidding when I say her legs look like a little starving kid you would see in Africa. Both her knees and her elbows are much bigger around then her legs or arms. She was wearing a shirt and a jacket and I could see the outline of her shoulder bones through the 2 layers. Her hands are skinny too and her face looks a little gaunt.She has basically no meat what so ever on her. She doesnt look "thin" any more, she looks sickly.

Now I do have to add that she was sick last week with a stomach-ache and maybe she just didnt eat a lot and thats why she looks so bad htis week.

But I do have to add that now that I think of it, she rarely finishes any of the food we give her. Routinely on the weekends I buy fast food for all the kids and she never finishes her food.. If she gets the chicken strips she eats a few bites than tears the rest up and wraps it up and throws it out.... If I get her a cheeseburger she tears it in half and eats a few bites then wraps it up and throws it out. I notice this because I am a recycling fanatic and I take the kids meal bag out of the trash and dump the stuff out and throw the bag into the recycling bin and I notice how little of the food she has eaten. Tonight she came over before karate and she ate a frozen dinner (one of mine ~ a Lean Cuisine), and didnt finish it, though she did eat about 3/4 of it.

I know no one can answer me really, but I am wondering if I should be worried about her being anorexic. Her mother is very controlling and I know she fights with her all the time though she wont admit it (I hear it over the phone if I have to talk to her mom). Are there other signs I can look for? She always been skinny, but now shes looking sickly.... Maybe she just doesn't like to eat very much and I am reading too much into it.....

 

[Dan Murphy]

No ideas, Melora. Can you take her to a doctor??

 

[Melora]

Taking her to the docter on our own would piss her mom off so much that WWWIII would surely start.

I do not want to talk to her mom yet because I certainly do not want to start her mom off sending the poor thing to docters and therapists unless I have a really good idea of what is going on.

Her mom over does everything...I wont even go into what she is doing to her son....

If I keep an eye on her and she doesnt look any better within a month or so I will definately know there is something going on more than just a tummy-ache from last week.

I am worried her mom will go off the deep end or else igore it.... she is so wrapped up in her son that Erin gets very little attention except things bought for her.... way way too many things bought for her. Im not sure how you can be spoiled and ignored at the same time but thats how I would describe the situation.

As I am typing that I am thinking suddenly maybe getting skinny is a way to make her mom pay attention to her....

 

[mckryan]

Having a sister-in-law with eating issues, I can tell you that your post set off alarms in my head. The whole throwing away of food is so classic for someone with an eating disorder, especially tearing up the chicken to make it look like she's eaten some. My SIL is anorexic/bulemic, and I have witnessed her eating avoidance schemes one too many times.

Please talk to your DH about this and take her to a doctor. Preferably take her to a female doctor that you have consulted with ahead of time about your concerns. Then, during the exam have the doctor ask you to leave the room so she can talk to your step-daughter one-on-one.

This may have gone too far already, but hopefully with love and support from you and your DH you can get her healthy again. Good luck!

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

my almost 12 year old is 4'10" (58") and weighs 65 lbs. so it's possible your stepdaughter is of normal weight for her height.

her eating habits sound poor, but I've seen girls that age pick at their food like that.

and it's possible she looks thinner than normal because she was sick.


watch the situation, though...it's also possible she's on the verge of an eating disorder.

 

[elgerber]

My son is 55 inches and weighs 66 pounds, so she may be thin, but I don't know if she's anorexic thin. I have an extremely anorexic neice, who at one of her lower points was about 85 pounds and she is 5 foot 9. I can't really give you many tips, but keep an eye on her and don't try to push her to eat, that will make it worse. Good luck to you, and I hope she is OK.

Erika

 

[Dan Murphy]

And so important to be of good nutrition at this time in her life, Melora, such growing and formation in this puberty years. Please do what is needed to be sure of her health. Great thoughts from mckryan.

 

[Melora]

It is possible that she weighs less (even much less) than the 70 pounds. I am just going by what she told me.

I also think its weird that she tears everything up..even the cheeseburger but I forgot to mention that. Everything is really mangled, to the point that the only way I can tell there isnt much eaten is the volume of food in the wrapping...certainly not by looking.

Ive seen skinny kids... but right now it seems much worse than just skinny.

I of course would HATE to be thinking any of this and it not to be true....

As for taking her to the doc and having the doc talk to her...Erin is a very secretive kid.. her mom has drilled into her not to talk about anything to anyone. I have to drag stuff out of her when we talk. If I talk to her she will run and tell her mom everything I say but wont ever tell us anything about what goes on at their house. Once I told her that Jeff (her dad) was unhappy with the decisions that her mom was making for her brother (big big understatement) and she told that to her mom who turned around and yelled at me and told me it was none of Erins business what her dad thinks of how she raising them.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

When I was young I was VERY VERY thin as well. I think I weighed 45lbs forever....I would say 70lbs is pretty normal for her height. She could probably stand to gain a few pounds.

Has she started "maturing" yet? My 13yodd started to pack it on when that stuff started. (You know the song from "A Chorus Line" . ) She is about 105lbs and 5'1".

Also I NEVER finished my food either!

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

maybe Jeff could talk to Erin's pediatrician about her weight. if it comes from a neutral, and not from Jeff -- or you -- Erin and her mother woulld be more inclined to pay attention.

 

[cruisnfamily]

These weights you guys are posting seem low to me. My DD11 is 5'1"(61") and weighs about 100lbs. She is skinny, no baby fat or chubbiness, (really a perfect little figure I would kill for). My son who is 8 weighs around 60lbs and he is 4'3"(51"). So, 70 lbs or so for a 57" child sounds very low to me. I realize she is shorter than my daughter but she's about 6" taller than my son and only weighs 10 more lbs....that can't be right

 

[janette]

My 12yo is thin, she's 5'3" and about 90lbs. Using this site http://www.keepkidshealthy.com/welcome/bmicalculator.html her BMI is 16 which is considered healthy.

At 57inches and 70lbs it is healthy but at 65lbs it is underweight. So probably worth watching.

My DD has dehrydrated twice from vomiting, I think part of the problems have been because she is so thin and has very little reserve. See if she improves after being sick, 5lbs for someone that thin is very noticable.

 

[Briar Rose 7457]

my daughter is thin, with very long legs. but very healthy at 65 lbs.

older daughter, age 13.5, is the same height, but weighs 85 lbs.

the difference is physical maturity.

 

[poohandwendy]

Just wondering, what does she talk about? Does she talk (obsess) about food, or people being fat or thinking she is fat? Does she always have a stomach ache? Does she avoid eating at all? Does she visit the bathroom immediately after eating (often)? Does she have a poor self image? (think she is ugly, fat, unworthy, unpopular)

I am asking because there are usually behavioral signs as well as physical signs with eating disorders. They can be subtle, but if you start to watch, you will see a pattern. Do a search on 'eating disorders and look for signs with her behavior.

(also, if bulemia is involved, she may be thirsty alot, sore throat, and problems with her teeth and gums..)

It is really hard to tell by just size alone.

But please stick with it if you really are concerned (regardless of the mother)...I lost a classmate at the age of 12 to anorexia (heart failure). It is particularly harmful in young girls who are going through puberty. It messes up your electrolytes, affects your brain...lots of bad things.

Goo luck, I will keep you all in my prayers.

 

[bigbabyblues]

I also am a very small person, I am 27 years old, about 5 ft 2-1/2 and I weigh 86 pounds. I have always been tiny, and I've never had an eating disorder. I have never been able to gain weight, except when I was pregnant, and I drank milkshakes made with Ensure every night before I went to bed to gain that unattainable weight. I do have a fairly normal appetite though, I can usually eat 3/4 of my food at restaurants.

That said, I don't know what the signs of an eating disorder really are, other than the obvious of making yourself sick after you eat.

I think you may be right to be concerned though, but it sounds like a tough situation for you. The only thing I can think of to do is have her dad find out when her next check up is and called and speak with the doctor before she goes, and tell him what's going on, and explain the whole thing, with her mother and everything, so he won't blab to them that her dad called. Does she play sports? My niece is 16 and she started softball conditioning back in the late winter, and she dropped a bunch of weight really quick, and she wasn't heavy at all either to start with. With her though, it happens every year at the same time.

With the problems that may be there with her mom, I wonder about depression also.

It's going to be hard given that she and her mom aren't going to cooperate if you express your concern. I wish you the best in finding a way to help her, just wish I had better ideas for you.

Steph

 

[palmtreegirl]

My best friend in high school was anorexic, she almost killed herself, she had a minor heart attack at the age of 25 because of the years of abuse she put her body though. I also should add that she claims it was never about being skinny, it revovled around control issues, it began after a tramactic experience and just went out of control. Thankfully she is now recovered and leads a healthy life, she was lucky, combined with 10 years of theraphy.

If you feel worried enough to post here then I think you should start to try and really monitor her eating habits. Maybe even keep a journal of what you've seen her eat, do this for a week or so and then if it looks alarming, sit down with your DH and speak to him about it. This way you will have evidence to support your gut feeling that somethings wrong, maybe this will help DH see what you're seeing.

Good luck, I hope it all works out for the best!

 

[Melora]

I am thinking she must not weigh that much... my son who is 9 is about 2 inches shorter than her (about) and weighs in at 66+ pounds and is quite a bit heavier looking than her. I will weigh her over the weekend.

It is possible that she is just thin, but if you saw just how thin she is, it might worry you as much as it does me.

She does not obsess about things much as its hard to get her to talk about anything to us except to laugh how silly we all are, all of the time. But I do know her mother obesses about weight and is quite thin.


Last week her stomaches were from a nasty bug going around through many of kids. I took her with me to a play and when we got out and got to the car she said Melora, I have to throw up... She wanted to just leave the window rolled down as we drove home, but I happen to know when you throw liquids out a moving car, it rarely clears the the side.. I took her to the bathroom, but she never did throw up. (her brother on the other hand puked his guts out in our sink later that evening).

So I know she WAS sick last week. I will keep an eye on her.

BTW..there is no talking to anyone outside of the family about this (esp the doc) as her mother would go ballistic... "How could you talk to the doc without my consent etc etc.." even if we are allowed by law since its his kid, she would make serious issues out of it..and believe me, you dont want to have issues with her!

 

[poohandwendy]

Just one of many articles I found on the net:

Parents should be on the lookout for various symptoms and warning signs of anorexia nervosa and bulimia:

A teenager with anorexia nervosa is typically a perfectionist and a high achiever in school. At the same time, she suffers from low self-esteem, irrationally believing she is fat regardless of how thin she becomes. Desperately needing a feeling of mastery over her life, the teenager with anorexia nervosa experiences a sense of control only when she says "no" to the normal food demands of her body. In a relentless pursuit to be thin, the girl starves herself. This often reaches the point of serious damage to the body, and in a small number of cases may lead to death.

The symptoms of bulimia are usually different from those of anorexia nervosa. The patient binges on huge quantities of high-caloric food and/or purges her body of dreaded calories by self-induced vomiting and often by using laxatives. These binges may alternate with severe diets, resulting in dramatic weight fluctuations. Teenagers may try to hide the signs of throwing up by running water while spending long periods of time in the bathroom. The purging of bulimia presents a serious threat to the patient's physical health, including dehydration, hormonal imbalance, the depletion of important minerals, and damage to vital organs.

With comprehensive treatment, most teenagers can be relieved of the symptoms or helped to control eating disorders. Treatment for eating disorders usually requires a team approach; including individual therapy, family therapy, working with a primary care physician, working with a nutritionist, and medication. Many adolescents also suffer from other problems; including depression, anxiety, and substance abuse. It is important to recognize and get appropriate treatment for these problems as well.

Research shows that early identification and treatment leads to more favorable outcomes. Parents who notice symptoms of anorexia or bulimia in their teenagers should ask their family physician or pediatrician for a referral to a child and adolescent psychiatrist who works comprehensively in the treatment of eating disorders and can coordinate the treatment team.

 

[C.Ann]

When I am stressed or nervous I can't eat at all.. (Right now I weigh about 95 lbs.) I have been like this ALL my life.. It just hurts my stomach really bad to eat when I'm stressed and I can literally go DAYS without eating..

If you haven't seen signs that she's forcing herself to vomit I would wonder if she is so stressed over her relationship with her Mom (as well as other things) that it actually HURTS to eat..

Just a thought because I know what it feels like..

 

[Jenn Lynn]

Originally posted by Melora
I am thinking she must not weigh that much... my son who is 9 is about 2 inches shorter than her (about) and weighs in at 66+ pounds and is quite a bit heavier looking than her. I will weigh her over the weekend.

It is possible that she is just thin, but if you saw just how thin she is, it might worry you as much as it does me.

She does not obsess about things much as its hard to get her to talk about anything to us except to laugh how silly all we are all of the time. But I do know her mother obesses about weight and is quite thin and I have heard through the grapevine that she has made unflattering comments about me (Yes I need to lose a few pounds) and so does her dad.

Her mom is not beyond making ugly comments in front of her about our weight.

Last week her stomaches were from a nasty bug going around through lots of kids. I took her with me to a play and when we got out and got to the car she said Melora, I have to throw up... She wanted to just leave the window rolled down as we drove home, but I happen to know when you throw liquids out a moving car, it rarely clears the the side.. I took her to the bathroom, but she never did throw up. (her brother on the other hand puked his guts out in our sink later that evening).

So I know she WAS sick last week. I will keep an eye on her.

BTW..there is no talking to anyone outside of the family about this (esp the doc) as her mother would go ballistic... "How could you talk to the doc without my consent etc etc.." even if we are allowed by law since its his kid, she would make serious issues out of it..and believe me, you dont want to have issues with her!

My sister and I have always been thin. She is 2 inches taller than me. In HS she was about 5 lbs heavier than me. But everyone would have guessed that I weighed more because she just looked REALLY thin. PLus we have different bidy structures. She did not have an eating disorder. We always ate until we were full, which to most people, was not enough food.

When she would get sick she looked like she was on her death bed. You could really see it on her when she lost a couple of lbs.

1 year ago today she gave birth to an 8lb. baby girl. She gained 45 lbs. during her pregnancy. She was back down to her normal weight in 5 months. No working out or anything. She is eating like crazy because she is BFing her DD.

It is entirely possible that she is just a thin girl. I do agree with keeping an eye on herthough, just to be on the safe side.