Wedding Drama Rant.. Advice Needed

[AllThingsMickey4]

So this is more of a rant/vent about something that's been bothering me for a couple of months more than a question..

We (mostly just me) are planning a Wishes wedding for late April 2018. My fiance is under the impression that since my parents are paying for the wedding most of the decision making should be up to me (I literally have no idea where he got this from). Anyway, I'm used to planning things without much input from him so that doesn't really bother me. What DOES bother me is my mom's lack of involvement in the planning process. Seriously, I will show her pictures of flowers, decor, my venue, etc. and she will just say "it's up to you" or "pretty." She really has no idea where my reception or dessert party is even located, even though I've tried to tell her multiple times. I've asked her opinion on the reception and dessert party menu and all she says is "I wonder how much that's going to cost" in snarky way. Any time I bring the wedding up just to get an opinion she will bring out her calculator and start adding up everything AGAIN or she will say "We need to get a total cost before we plan anything else" I've tried explaining that after my planning session (October 30th) we will get a BEO with all the pricing info, but it's like she turns her ears off before I even start explaining it to her.. she will physically turn away from me as I'm trying to tell her about it.

It's not that she doesn't have time to be a part of the planning.. she just spent a month helping my sister look for and buy her first house. Any time my sister brings up her house they talk about it for an hour or more.

I think this all started when my fiance and I created the guest list (we invited 65 people hoping for 55 as an absolute MAX) and didn't have room to invite any of my mom's friends. We invited all of my family members and their kids, and since my fiance doesn't have ANY family alive other than his parents and brother, he invited some of their long time family friends. I tried explaining to my mom that we didn't have room for her friends because we had to invite so many of our extended family members, but she just responds with the fact that my fiance's mom got to invite her friends. Plus, they aren't even her friends really.. she hasn't seen any of them in more than a year.

So yeah, now she will hardly talk about the wedding without mentioning the fact that she didn't get to invite anyone she wanted to invite. Whenever my dad tells someone that I'm getting married at Disney, she has to throw out the fact that she didn't get to invite her friends (even to complete strangers). Recently, a woman told her that it was more about who me and my fiance wanted to invite and she defended herself by saying "Well I'm paying for it"

Anyway, should I feel guilty that my mom didn't get to invite any of her "friends?" I mean, my fiance and I only invited 10 of our closest friends, the rest are all family members or close family friends of his parents (since they don't have any living family). I guess the constant comments are starting to irritate me... yes my parents are paying for it but I don't think that gives her the right to control the guest list.. or am I wrong?

On top of this drama, my parents are spending 5 days in Disney after my wedding and my fiance and I are honeymooning in Disney. My mom wants ME to book their dining and FP reservations (even though she has been to Disney over 20 times) even though I have to make my own reservations. Oh and she is mad that we don't want to be apart of their plans while on our Honeymoon

Okay...rant over for now!! Wedding planning is so stressful!!!

 

[lurkyloo]

One thing I've learned in more than 10 years of following Disney weddings (and this applies to any wedding) is that nobody is going to be as excited about planning your wedding as you are. But the closest you will come is other brides, which is why communities like this one and the Disney wedding groups on Facebook are so important. Most parents and other family members don't really get the whole Disney wedding thing until they are actually at the wedding. Your best bet for support and enthusiasm and advice at this stage is other brides. I would not even bother trying to get any of your relatives involved unless they actually want to be involved.

That said... The people who pay for the wedding DO traditionally get a say in the guest list. If you don't have to pay for you mom's friends, who cares how many she invites? How many of them are actually going to accept, especially if she hasn't seen them in more than a year? It sounds like this has really hurt your mom's feelings, and I'll bet it would mean a lot to her if you told her she could invite X number of her friends (5? 10? I guarantee not all of them will accept). Since she's paying for them, this will have zero impact on you and could go a long way toward getting your mom interested in the wedding again.

As to booking her dining and Fastpass reservations, I'd put her in touch with a good Disney travel agent. That is not your responsibility. And you can kindly explain that you are happy to spend time with them at Disney before the wedding, but the rest of the trip is your honeymoon, for just the two of you. I'd even book at a different resort, if possible. The same thing happened to me with my husband's family, and taking this approach allowed us to enjoy a private honeymoon instead of getting roped into a family trip. There will be other family trips, but there is only one honeymoon.

 

[Traveliz]

Mom here who is paying. Honestly I can see why she isn't excited in planning. Of course she wants some friends included! I would definitely rethink that idea. Unless the venue you choose has a max that is a problem I don't see a problem with her inviting guests. And if the money concerns her why don't you at least go through the information on minimums with her now.

Liz

 

[AllThingsMickey4]

I guess I should've included that the max for our dessert party is 50 (UK Lochside) so I'm already inviting 15 people more than I should and it stresses me out thinking about what I'm going to do if I get a 100% RSVP. Three families that I thought wouldn't come are coming (11 people total) and a couple of people have already asked if they can bring someone extra I thought it was fair to divide the guest number evenly between my family and his.. so we did 32 for each side and then one of my friends asked if she could bring her now fiancé so that's how we ended up at 65. My fiancé just has his brother and his parents, so I don't see how it would've been enjoyable or fair to them to let my mom invite a majority of the guests. His parents are letting us live rent free in their lake house right now while we find a place of our own, so it seems wrong to give them less of the guest list just because my parents are paying.

Honestly, I think the sour note is she wanted to invite one family of 8 in particular that doesn't get along with my fiancé and his family. I said no because I don't want that kind of drama on my wedding day (plus we were already at 64 people). I dont really see a problem with it because she hasn't seen them in at least a year and has talked to them once in the last 4 months.

I have definitely gone over the minimums with her, but she wants an exact number BEFORE the planning session. She knows the ceremony fee, the enhancement minimum, and minimum food and beverage but wants something more specific. I've told her that we won't know the exact cost until we know a final guest count and I've told her that I have NO idea what the floral price is going to be because I don't have that kind of info yet. I'm just planning on telling my planner what I'm interested in getting a price for at the planning session and then cutting stuff from my BEO that's too expensive.

 

[LadyD]

Guest lists are hard. It probably would go a long way to let your mom invite some of her friends to the wedding, especially since they're paying for it. The farther your guests are from WDW, the more likely a larger than average number of people will decline the wedding invitation. Sometimes the people who decline and those that accept will surprise you. Also, until people book their trips to WDW, I would be very skeptical of a RSVP yes. Probably about 10% of our guest list who initially RSVP'd yes ultimately ended up declining for one reason or another for our DL wedding. Life happens. It is really easy to say yes now and have things happen between now and April 2018.

Since you're limited for your dessert party guest count, you could see if your mom is open to compromising if the yes RSVPs fall below 50, she can invite some friends. If that would be an issue, is it possible to switch to a larger dessert party location?

 

[ALegrande]

I agree with Lady D and Lurky... if there's any way possible you can allow your mom to invite some of her friends, I think that would change her attitude a lot. Maybe you can find away to compromise like mentioned above, say, if the RSVPs come back lower than expected. And if not, maybe you can ask if Rue de Paris (or some other location near Lockside that has a higher max) is available? That way even if it's not, your mom can feel better that you at least tried and asked. Since she is paying for it, I think if at any way possible you can compromise with her, it would help the situation! Good luck- wedding planning IS stressful!

 

[lurkyloo]

I guess I should've included that the max for our dessert party is 50 (UK Lochside) so I'm already inviting 15 people more than I should and it stresses me out thinking about what I'm going to do if I get a 100% RSVP.

The RSVP rate for DFTWs is somewhere between 50% and 70%. Also, you could rent out UK Upper too and combine the venues if you need the space. Or do as @ALegrande suggested and switch to a location with a higher capacity. Italy Isola is huge and has the very best view of the show.

 

[drjackal31]

We ended up having to do an a-list, b-list for our invitations. We ended up being able to invite everyone on each list, 51 total and only have 22 guests. Maybe you could figure out a way to stagger the invites. Only our a-list got save the dates. Both lists got invitations about a month apart from each other.

I will say, my mom didn't really care either. They gave us a set amount of money and didn't really care what we did.

 

[WDWLover75]

Hi-

Disney bride here who did NOT invite any of my parents friends saying that I think you should probably allow her to invite some. A couple points here. We had an Escape wedding so were limited to 18 guests. My husband, who is not close to his family, just wanted to elope. I am super close to my family and did not want to elope but also did not want a large wedding so picked the Escape package. I was also trying to limit my stress and do NOT like being the center of attention so only wanted people at my wedding I was close to and wouldn't be nervous. I did NOT want to worry about impressing my Mom's friends. My Mom understood all of this but I do know she had at least 1 friend she would have liked to invite, but, didn't really say much and let it go. We did not even invite my husband's 2 nephews (kids) to the ceremony/reception. They were invited to the welcome dinner, dessert party, and goodbye breakfast. My parents DID pay for the wedding, but I do not think it made them feel that they were entitled to make the decisions about the wedding. We certainly shared the plans with them. My parents also knew that my husband and I were fully prepared and able to pay for the wedding ourselves and/or elope if it came to that (there were NO threats or anything like that). My husband and I dated a really long time before he finally proposed and I think my Mom was just so happy I was getting married finally that she just went with the flow and wanted me to be happy. We had a list of people and a prioritization. We spoke to each person/group (top 18) straight away and made them aware of our intended plans/date. Invites went out to the first 18. We had 1 decline and then invited one more single person (they were not allowed to bring a date but did travel with a friend). Obviously, we could NOT go over 18 guests.

Now, your situation is a bit different in that you aren't having an Escape wedding so do not have a cap for the guest count. Has your Mom given you a total budget? I think there are two scenarios. If she says, you can have $XXX amt total, then, absolutely, for every person who attends, you get to do less per person. If it is that she is willing to pay $xx per person then, that is different. Can you guys go out for a nice afternoon tea or something and have an open and honest talk about the guest list and to what extent you want your Mom involved in the planning? It is obvious that you are both really hurt and this is supposed to be an awesome time in your life so this situation makes me so sad for you. :-(

A couple other points:

• 100% agree that inviting someone who does not get along with the bride/groom is just not cool.
• 100% agree that the honeymoon is YOUR time with your new husband. We did spend time with our guests 4 days before the wedding and 1.5 days after the wedding but also took a separate non-Disney honeymoon. For the days we were at Disney, we were also very clear about what our plans were and when others were invited to join, and that if they joined, they were doing what we picked. For example - our dinner at Flying Fish, our carriage ride, our parasailing adventure, and dinner the day of our wedding was just the two of us - period. Touring at EPCOT and going to Biergarten the day after our wedding, whomever could join us but obviously, needed the count in advance to make dinner reservation and made it clear they were paying for that.
• 100% agree that it is fair to split the guest list 50/50. In our case, since we'd been together so long, it was pretty easy for us to come up with a list of who we were closest to as a couple. Though, in the end, the list was kind of in my favor.

Wishing you a lot of luck and pixie dust!

Laura

 

[mscupcke]

I can see your side and your moms. My sister just got married and my mom was the same way, because when my sister booked her venue and my mom asked a question about the time frame (there was a 5hr gap between ceremony and cocktail hour) my sister told her to stay out of it, so she did, the whole wedding. Not that you said that to your mom, but moms dream of this too, the day their daughters get married, and I think they want to share that with their friends, I have friends I haven't seen in a year, and if I could afford to invite them to my wedding I would, but sadly that's not an option, it doesn't make them not my friends. I do understand what you are saying about the guest count and where you are in the planning process though, you can move the dessert party or maybe some people will RSVP no? Or you can just bite the bullet and invite a few of your moms friends and contribute the extra to your budget yourself.

 

[Serrina89]

Recent Bride here and I'll probably play the devils advocate here. I think you are really lucky with what you've been given. Neither my parents or my husbands parents could afford to pay for our wedding. Not only did we pay for every part, we payed for some of our wedding party's attire , nails, and bachelorette party. My mother also was reluctant to participate in anything dealing with my wedding including help plan for a bridal shower. The point I'm trying to make is you have way more than most people have and should be willing to compromise especially since your family is paying for it. The day is about you and you're fiance but if all your mom is asking is to invite 1 or 2 friends, I think you should do anything in you're power to accommodate her request.

 

[AllThingsMickey4]

Thank you everyone for your advice and suggestions. I think I did a poor job in communicating the whole situation... the issue was never just inviting one or two friends it was 14 of her friends or none (because she felt like it would be rude to invite some and not others). I just wanted to make it clear that it's not about just one or two extra people (which I would be okay with). And it was never that I said "you can't invite your friends", we divided the guest list between the families and our family members and 4 of my friends took up all 32 of our spots. When I first started planning a Disney Wedding she made no mention of her friends.. that's why I had a low estimated guest count to being with.

I talked to my planner and unfortunately they are not able to move me to a larger dessert party location. I did ask about renting U.K. Upper Terrace in addition to Lochside so we can have some extra space if needed. My planner said that this space is currently held for day guests (???) but she can put in the special request to reserve this space if I know for sure I will need it.

I guess I'm just torn on what I should do. As others have mentioned we still have while to go until April, so I'd hate to book the extra space and have less than 50 people but I also don't want to be worried about having too many guests.

My mom and I have also talked a little bit more about the wedding and I think she understands how it works now. She did a food and beverage total for 65 guests and realized how expensive it's going to be, so I think she is okay with keeping the guest list as small as possible (although unless we put in a request for U.K. Upper Terrace it doesn't look like we have much of a choice in expanding the guest list at this point)

Maybe I should just stop being a worry wart for the time being

 

[TheRustyScupper]

What DOES bother me is my mom's lack of involvement in the planning process.

1) We owned a bridal shop in Cleveland for just over 26-years.
2) In many cases, the mother-of-the bride did not participate much of the planning - in other cases, it was the MIL that controlled everything
3) Frequently, the MIL was more interested in her dress than the rehearsal-wedding-reception.
4) Don't let it get to you or your intended.

 

[starry_solo]

Why not wait to engage her until after October 30th, when you'll know what the costs are? Then maybe she would be more interested in it.