Suspecting a Problem

[FayeW]

My son had a friend staying with us for the weekend, and I find myself thinking that something about this child is not quite right. We had to speak to him repeatedly about certain behaviours, repeating our instructions sometimes 5 or 6 times within a 15 min span. He was unnaturally attached to his possessions: my son was called in from playing outside, and given a 10 min timeout for being rude. I turned around, and the other boy had also come in from playing, just sitting there. I told him to go back out and play, that DS would be allowed out in 10 mins. He said " I'm afraid he will touch my electronics". He also slapped my son on the arm later for "pointing" at his toy, he was afraid he was going to pick it up, and he might break it. He also grabbed my son in a bear hug when he was trying to get something from his top bunk. When I asked what was going on he said "He's not letting me get to my bed". I told him that in order to get on his own bunk, my son had to stand on his, and he would be out of the way in a minute. It was just weird how he became so attached to "his" bed when he was only visiting for a couple of days.

He also doesn't make eye contact when we talk, kind of just stares at the ground ahead of him, and shows no emotion whatsoever. He won a cool prize playing a game, and didn't even crack a smile.

Does this sound like anything the parents should be concerned with, or am I just jumping to conclusions?

 

[KirstenB]

I'd be concerned if it were my child. But, as to how to approach this...

How old is this kid?
Is he close friends with your son?
Do you know the parents well?
Have they ever brought up the topic of him seeming different?
Is he in school yet? Or daycare? What I'm getting at, is there an opportunity for other adults who are around kids all day to observe his behavior?
Will he be coming over to your house again, or did he kind of freak you out, so maybe not?
Does he have older siblings who act more normal?

I can imagine this being a very hard topic to bring up to the parents, even if you know them very well.

 

[minkydog]

This child certainly seems to have some boundary issues, at the least.
I would be concerned too, but I'm not sure whether I would approach the parents. It would depend on my relationship to them. A casual friend? no. A sister? yes. But even if you do express concern, you have to really be careful--no parent wants to hear anything bad about their child, even if you mean it in the best way.

I had a 4th grade girl who was like this in a Sunday school class--very aloof, extremely structured, didn't smile, didn't understand jokes, would throw a tantrum is you made her stop or change activities. The other kids just thought she was weird. I'd bet you dollars to donuts she had Asbergers, but her mom made it very clear that she did not think there was anything wrong with her child and she would not entertain any conversation about it. In her opinion, it was "everybody else" who needed to just "understand" her daughter more.

 

[Tjaleks]

I'd bet you dollars to donuts she had Asbergers

I was thinking the same thing. I work in a school with a wide spectrum of disabilities and this child's behaviors are very similiar to ALL of my students with Asbergers.

 

[FayeW]

I'd be concerned if it were my child. But, as to how to approach this...

How old is this kid?
Is he close friends with your son?
Do you know the parents well?
Have they ever brought up the topic of him seeming different?
Is he in school yet? Or daycare? What I'm getting at, is there an opportunity for other adults who are around kids all day to observe his behavior?
Will he be coming over to your house again, or did he kind of freak you out, so maybe not?
Does he have older siblings who act more normal?

I can imagine this being a very hard topic to bring up to the parents, even if you know them very well.

The boy is 9, and he and my son have been in the same class for the past 2 years. I have known his parents casually for about 15 yrs, before either of us had children. His older sister is developing a friendship with my daughter, and she does not display any of these characteristics; just a nice, average kid.

My husband did tell the mom that he was concerned about the total lack of emotion, and she said that they had noticed it as well. She also told him a few months ago that her son gets behaviour reports constantly from school. His teacher alluded to me that maybe my son could make a better choice for a playmate ( he plays with this boy at school frequently, but has 2 other "best friends" that he plays with most often). We have been arranging more play time with this child because his mom asked me if I could invite him over sometimes, because he usually has kids in to play, and doesn't get invited out much. I am beginning to see why. I will certainly invite him over to play, and go on outings with us, but I don't think that there will be anymore weekend trips in the near future.

My daughter has ADHD, so I am pretty familiar with "quirky" behaviour. I just wasn't prepared for this, because what ever is going on is undiagnosed at this point. I knew I had heard of sometype of "syndrome" where the symptoms were unable to maintain eye contact, and lack of emotion, but I didn't know what it was called. Does this sound like Aspergers?

 

[mbb]

DH and I looked after my best girlfriend's 3 children while they went to Hawaii for their 10th anniversary...

Our kids had just been diagnosed with ASD 6 months previously..so we were at that point in "post-diagnosis trauma" of reading everything, finding experts everywhere..the whole 9 yards..

Anyway, their 3 kids arrived (they live about 3 hours from us), happy and excited about their "vacation", and two days into it, DH and I realized that the middle child - then aged 7 - had some serious behaviour issues; flapping, walking on toes, eye fluttering, no contact...etc.etc.. I knew that his school had contacted her throughout grade one to talk about assessments, and she chose not to pursue it.

What to do? Do we talk to the parents about it? Say nothing? Were we overly sensitive to the whole "special needs" thing because of where we were with our kids???

We aren't diagnosticians/clinicians...and I love my friend. I didn't want to upset her....

*BUT*...this little boy was obviously having a really hard time.

I did talk to her. It was hard. I also knew that hearing things from the school was hard too...

We worked through it together. Told her it was okay to be angry, and if the anger hit me that day, well, I was ready for it and I understood.

He has Tourette's, and lots of SID....and is doing really well in school And is just a great kid...

His mom and I? Closer than sisters - and as she says.."You told me the truth. Sometimes the truth hurts."

Long post, but I hope it helps

 

[SueM in MN]

Sometimes people know, but are in denial because they are not ready to accept the truth. I know that was the case with my sister.
The rest of the family had notice her son had some "weird" behavior for many years. When it was mentioned to her, she made excuses "he's tired..... he's just high strung....it's because he's the baby of the family." No one was surprised when he was finally diagnosed with Aspergers except her.
On the other hand, when my DD was about 22 months old, I "accidentally" led our neighbor to have her 19 month old DD evaluated. I was outside talking with her and another neighbor, getting "updated" on what had been happening over the winter when we had spent more time inside and had not seen each other. I mentioned that my youngest DD had reccently been diagnosed with cerebral palsy; that when she was not walking at 18 months, I had insisted on an evaluation because I knew that more than 90% of kids are walking at 18 months. The mother of the 19 month old got very pale and said her child was not walking - she had mentioned it at the 18 month check up and the doctor was not that concerned. She did call the doctor's office back that afternoon and the child was ultimately diagnosed with a genetic syndrome (I can't remember if it was Angelman Syndrome or William's Syndrome).