Personality disorders???

[Hixski]

Is anyone dealing with a family member with a personality disorder? I am pretty sure my brother has one and it is making our family life rough. He lives at home with my parents at 43. He is a loner and really only has a couple of friends. I don't want to say too much but one particular disorder fits my brother to a tee.

The last couple of years he has been blaming DH and I for being "mean" to him. For example if we go to dinner at my parents he stays in the basement till dinner. He comes up, eats dinner and then goes back to the basement. He has become so upset saying that DH and I are ignoring him. He says we need to grow up and we are just problems. I don't know how long he has been thinking this but my parents are agreeing with him. Or I should say enabling. I have tried to talk with my mother but she thinks he is just shy. Everyone I know asks me if he has a personality disorder.

How do you get someone help if they think they are fine? Most of our extended family think he has a problem. He is not even talking with DH and I right now. My mother thinks he is shy and my father is just ignoring the situation. Meanwhile DH and I are the bad guys and my parents are agreeing.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

I am not sure what to say here but I do not think you can get him help unless he wants to help himself. The fact that he lives with your parents and they are not saying that they feel he needs help and sort of side with him only makes the problem worse.

I think what I would do, if it were me would be not to go to dinner there if it makes you both feel uncomfortable. Meet your parents out for dinner or have them to your house as he will probably not come. You cannot make him get help if he does not want it....sad to say, but the truth unless your parents somehow support it and you all agree to get some counseling, providing he will go.

 

[Hixski]

I am not sure what to say here but I do not think you can get him help unless he wants to help himself. The fact that he lives with your parents and they are not saying that they feel he needs help and sort of side with him only makes the problem worse.

I think what I would do, if it were me would be not to go to dinner there if it makes you both feel uncomfortable. Meet your parents out for dinner or have them to your house as he will probably not come. You cannot make him get help if he does not want it....sad to say, but the truth unless your parents somehow support it and you all agree to get some counseling, providing he will go.

I know exactly what you are saying. We haven't been to my parents house in quite some time. It is just frustrating being blamed for his problem. My mother has been saying lately that she thinks DH has never liked my brother. We have tried to include him in things and ask him to go places. He has never asked us to do anything with him. This has been going on for 25 yrs. It is just lately that my brother has gotten worse. He doesn't know how to interact socially with people but is blaming it on everyone else.

I am afraid he is ruining my relationship with my parents. They seem to want to think he is this perfect human being and DH and I are the flawed ones. My mother has been on a kick about DH making smart alleck comments through the years. He just has that personality but now it seems to be a problem. They seem so determined to keep babying my brother and protect him they are slowing driving us away. It is just sad as we always had a good relationship.

 

[JeanfromBNA]

If you haven't read it already, try Scott Peck's "The Road Less Traveled." It's a starting point.

 

[Mackey Mouse]

OK....I read your answer and was thinking truly about my own family......I have someone in my family that does not really make an effort to chat with us, (they say he is quiet and shy) when he does talk he sometimes makes smart remarks which he thinks are funny, we think are stupid. I cannot change his personality and he is part of my family so I try to ignore a lot, I know I roll my eyes at times, and I do the best I can. Maybe that is what your DH can try to do just to help a bit with the tension, ignore those remarks that call for smart remark in response. It is not easy..

Also, I do think that since he is there living in their house, he has their ears 24 7.....so he can drive a wedge between you and your parents if they are not strong enough to stand up to it.. clearly not what you want.

This is definitely one of those difficult family things....anyone that tells you they have the perfect family and you think they have the perfect family looking from outside, it usually is not all that perfect... You have to work at relationships in the family especially with those who marry into the family if they are a bit different... I am not saying all the effort has to come from you or DH, it has to be all the family working together.. it is not easy.. Hugs

 

[Hixski]

You said the one thing that all this hinges on. He lives with my parents and has their ear 24/7.

He is extremely cheap. Saves all his money. He does not date or go out or anything. He is just anitisocial with almost everyone. DH and I have been wondering if this is his way to get my parents house and money all to himself. He has only started paying rent in the last couple of years. My mother was complaining about how much their insurance keeps going up. She is diabetic and it is quite costly. I was the one who shamed my mother into getting him to pay rent. I tried to explain how my brother probably has about a half million in the bank from saving ALL his money for almost 20yrs. It makes me crazy to say the least.

This is the disorder I think my brother has. It fits him to a tee. I wonder how many parents try to pass this off as someone just being shy???

What Are the Symptoms of Schizoid Personality Disorder?
People with schizoid personality disorder often are reclusive, organizing their lives to avoid contact with other people. Many never marry or continue to live with their parents as adults. Other common traits of people with this disorder include the following:

They do not desire or enjoy close relationships, even with family members.
They choose solitary jobs and activities.
They take pleasure in few activities, including sex.
They have no close friends, except first-degree relatives.
They have difficulty relating to others. (This is the main problem we have with him)
They are indifferent to praise or criticism.
They are aloof and show little emotion.
They might daydream and/or create vivid fantasies of complex inner lives.