Mother of the groom dress advice

Discussion in 'Community Board' started by disykat, Nov 4, 2018.

  1. NotUrsula

    NotUrsula DIS Veteran

    Apr 19, 2002
    When the families get along, there is no reason for the MOG, or any other member of his family, to feel like a second-class citizen. If that begins to happen, it's the groom's responsibility to step in and make an effort to help the various parties get along better, since he is the reason that they are dealing with the other family in the first place.

    Traditionally, the reason that the MOB gets first dibs on her most flattering color is that (again, traditionally) she is the hostess of the wedding reception, and thus has a much more visible role in it.

    As for the poor woman who was the victim of such a horrific accident, I'm thinking that there is no way that anyone who attended the event would ever forget her, regardless of what she wore.
    HopperFan likes this.
  2. Wishing on a star

    Wishing on a star DIS Veteran

    Aug 7, 2002
    First... About the comments that are assuming that there have been so many DISers who have hated and villified their MIL's.
    I would have to disagree. Very strongly....

    Of course, there might be some basic MIL-hating..., but in most of the cases, the MIL, in my opinion, has crossed way over some line. And has given reason for the ill feelings. Look at the few examples right here of MIL's who have purposefully wore inappropriate colors, clothing, to the wedding, in direct opposition to the bride's preferences.

    Yes, guess what...
    I have been one who had an awful, demanding, toxic, MIL...
    Because of this, that does not make me a 'MIL hater'. Not in any way. That is just the situation that I was handed.
    I would be personally offended that somebody who does not know me, or know anything about the personal situation, were to pin that label on me.

    And, yes again, I will be a MIL, and MOG pretty soon.
    Guess what... If my son marries his long-time girlfriend, I think I have a pretty good handle on the young ladies mother.
    I am thinking that the wedding will be planned by, directed by, and all about the bride's mother (the MIL) and her family.
    I fully expect to be one of those second-class-citizen MOG's.

    The thing is, I am able to accept that this is just the way it is.
    I would rather accept that than put my son in the middle and expect him go to bat, and cause any drama or angst, to see that I have more consideration, say-so...
    I would never do that to him.

    If the message is "Wear Beige, Sit Down, and Shut Up"....
    I will oblige.
    Last edited: Nov 8, 2018
    BadgerGirl84 and amberpi like this.
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  4. disykat

    disykat DIS Veteran

    Jun 5, 2000
    Thanks, Tipsy Traveler. It is black underneath with a taupe overlay and it ends up looking light pinky brownish? We'll see what happens when it comes since the size and cut will be quite different in women's size vs misses.
  5. HopperFan

    HopperFan "It's a bug-eat-bug world out there, princess."

    Sep 6, 2003
    Not sure what you mean about going to other folks events and having no expectations and offering opinions??? When I go to other people's events I offer no commentary at all. No one should offer commentary to any host about an event. It's their event and they did it the way they wanted. But that doesn't mean that I have to accept the disappointment or not sending thank you notes, particularly since we spent time and money to attend. What I said is we are finding lately is that we are just extras at a show expected that are to spend money to be there. And that is absolutely fine if that is their plan, and it is absolutely fine if I don't attend.

    BOLDED part, I absolutely agree. But if DD is expecting the entire affair to be bankrolled with our money, and DH & I are hosting, then we absolutely have input, especially at the reception as we are the hosts. We will absolutely work with her vision, we have discussed it many times in the past. But I also see the pressure many young people are getting from the industry, their friends and social media to do things that might not be "them". There is knowledge in hindsight and seeing what ended up being for purpose or for show.

    As far as beer bottles being trashy .......... a bit strong, especially considering many young people are drinking craft beers that are very expensive and have some good looking bottles. It is often part of their culture. I have been to a few very nice wedding receptions, bottles did not detract. Now cans would be a different thing. But that wasn't the point ............. my point was that some are so focused on their social media and photos that the number of rules for guests has made many of these events simply too much work for guests - particularly since attending can cost lots of money.
    Searc likes this.
  6. georgina

    georgina DIS Veteran

    Apr 21, 2003
    I missed the comment about beer bottles being trashy. How silly that is! Bottles seem much better than a keg and plastic glasses.

    :) I have no future DIL's as my DS is 26 and has never been on any type of date. Any woman who would be interested in him would not be the type who would micromanage everyone's wardrobe! Of course the opposite is that her insisting I wear something I hate would not endear her to me.
  7. TipsyTraveler

    TipsyTraveler DIS Veteran

    Jan 9, 2014
    I’m talking about during the planning stages. Whether I’m contributing in some way or just on the sidelines, I tend to keep my opinions to myself. Weddings, showers, birthday parties, baby names.... all these things are subject to personal tastes and preferences and my personal tastes and preferences don’t matter when it comes to their milestone events. If someone told me they were going to have their groomsmen dressed as Storm Troopers and their ring bearer was going to be a golden retriever dressed as a clown, my response would be “Cool! Do you have to buy Storm Trooper costumes or can you rent them?” If they were considering the aforementioned scenario and asked for my opinion on it, my response would be “It’s not what I would do at my wedding, but it does suit your personalities. It’s your day and you’ll be living with the memories for the rest of your life, so do what makes you happy.”

    I’ve already had my wedding. Unless I end up remarrying at some point, that was my one and only opportunity in life to plan a wedding. I got to do it exactly how I wanted and what other people, my children included, want to plan for their own weddings is up to them. That would be true even if I was funding it, barring an extreme situation like a moral opposition to something they wanted. (I can’t even think of an example.) In such case, I would just elect to not contribute, but they’re still free to do what they want.

    The beer bottle comment was just a flip recognition like, “Hey, I’d never thought of it before, but I suppose you’re right — glasses are prettier. I bet guests probably weren’t walking around with beer bottles at the queen’s wedding.” Im not highfalutin enough to worry about details down to that level though.
    OKW8297, ronandannette and disykat like this.
  8. ronandannette

    ronandannette I gave myself this tag and I "Like" myself too!

    May 4, 2006
    Being the step-mother of the bride is even further down than the MOG and I’ve been through it twice now. I totally agree with your sentiments about who plans what. ::yes:: In the interest of the relationship the only way to play it is to contribute what you’re asked to, how you’re asked to - within the bounds of your own budget of course.

    The last thing DH’s daughters wanted from me was input or pressure to do things differently than they planned. It wasn’t easy to keep my mouth shut as I’m a pretty great party planner and would have so loved to have done things just a little bit “better” for them than they turned out. There were certain aspects of each of their weddings that I still cringe thinking about but that’s just me and my sensibilities - I’m certain both couples had the “day” they wanted and that’s all that really matters in the end.
    TipsyTraveler and BadgerGirl84 like this.
  9. Wendy31

    Wendy31 DIS Veteran

    Mar 5, 2005
    DH & I have been married 23 years, &, after reading through this thread, I've been trying to remember how our mothers chose their dresses for our wedding.

    My bridesmaids' dresses were wedgewood blue (my favorite color at the time... LOL!), & the wedding was in the spring. One of the prettiest aspects of our wedding was our flowers. We had an excellent florist, & our flowers were a beautiful spring mix of pinks & yellows & light blues.

    My mom chose a light pink dress, & DH's mother ended up in a darker pink dress. Both dresses were 2-pieces. My mom's dress was more flowy, & DH's mother's dress was more tailored but still dressy. She knew the color of the bridesmaids' dresses, & I *think* I remember telling her what kinds of flowers we'd have... a springy mix of pinks, yellows, & light blues.

    What I don't remember is whether or not she ever asked my mom what color dress she was wearing, & I don't remember if my mom was okay w/ DH's mom being in the same color but a different shade. I think I remember the two of them discussing dresses at one point, & DH's mother having a hard time finding a dress that she thought would work well w/ our color scheme & that wasn't blue.

    I was fine w/ them both being in pink dresses, & the 2 dresses looked good in our pictures & coordinated well together.
  10. donaldbuzz&minnie

    donaldbuzz&minnie Happy to be here!

    Feb 13, 2004
    I really hope that no one would be mean enough to critique your dress. If you love it, then the only fair response is, "it's great!"
  11. leebee

    leebee DIS Veteran

    Sep 14, 1999
    Well... DD is getting married in June, so I am earlobe deep in all the wedding planning stuff. She is putting lilac on all her girls and has asked that her soon to be (stb) MIL and I choose plum, or something similar, even if it's a floral pattern that focuses on plum. If I can't find something I like, I am going to ask her to consider coordinating colors, too. DD's first dress foray was a big one: she, I, stb MIL, an aunt and 2 cousins, and 3 of 4 bridesmaids (MoH is in law school in DC). Everyone knew going in that we weren't buying a dress that day, just narrowing down silhouettes. It had all the makings of a circus, but it WASN'T. We all had a great time! There were 2 more dress trips scheduled, but DD was sure #3, at a shop that carries her favorite designer and a day that her MoH could attend, would be when she bought her dress (stb MIL and I were going too). Trip #2 was a "why not" stop. DD was home visiting, figured we have a legit reason to try on beautiful dresses, so why not? She, MoH's mom, and I went looking, and guess what? SHE FOUND HER DRESS!! So at least that's settled!

    Weddings bring out the best and worst in people. We have been fairly friendly with the groom's parents for about 4 years now, invited to different family functions (graduations/parties), out to lunch/supper when in each other's area, etc. DD invited her stb MIL to the first dress shopping trip and the 3rd one, invited them both to go venue-visit, etc. DD thought she was good, included them, etc. but stb inlaws blew up. Tears, recriminations, name-calling because they weren't invited to see EVERYTHING. Really? DH and I saw 3 venues, they didn't choose to go to the distant ones OR the two near their home. They need to "approve" before money is spent- not that they've coughed up any cash. Guest list is a nightmare: DD and her fiancé wanted to invite about 80, no kids. Stb inlaws feel that they HAVE to invite everyone, even children, no matter if fiancé knows who they are or not. As DH/I are paying for the majority of the wedding, I finally put my foot down, but the list of 80 has grown to 125. It's OK, we have to guarantee 110 anyhow for the venue (and DD/fiance definitely want this venue), but I was just shocked at how demanding and demeaning the stb inlaws have become. I am playing nice, DD is trying to get along because these ARE her fiancé's parents (and he is horrified by all this, finally told them if they don't 'approve' of the wedding that DD/fiance are planning, they don't have to come, he is firmly 100% on the same team as DD). I am angry because they made DD cry and are making what should be a wonderful lead-in into a painful, second-guessing fiasco. Lord only knows what'll be next, but to my way of thinking, this is DD's and her fiancé's wedding. I've had mine, the stb inlaws have had theirs, this isn't a social obligation pay-back or a family reunion. I will have DD's back the whole way, and DH is about ready to take down anyone who makes her cry again!

    SO... back to the dress thing. I'll wear whatever color DD wishes; we are spending enough $$$ that I want the pictures to look great (and don't be misled... we'll do a wedding with cash bar for 110 for under $15K, including everything, because that's what we have to spend- it's not a "big ticket" wedding at all). However... I don't want to "match" stb MIL, and will talk to DD about it if it looks like that will happen.

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