Living Alone as you Get Older...Choices

[Pea-n-Me]

I agree with the idea of moving to somewhere where conditions are more suitable as you age, especially if you are alone. The problem with some of these places are their COST, and I think the key words in your post are that you're on a FIXED INCOME. I take that to mean that cost is one of your biggest considerations.

I know this isn't for everyone, but what we did for my mother when she got to the place that you are, and still had to work in order to make ends meet, was to build an in-law apartment onto our home for her. It worked for her, and it worked for us, since she was an hour+ away and it was hard with our working to go down there to take care of things or help her if she needed it all the time. Having her right here made it easier for everyone. And that's been true especially as she's aged - she's 92 now and has been with us for about 23 years.

When we built it, we made it handicap accessible, and it's all one floor living. I remember at the time, her saying she didn't need a sit down shower and all that, but guess what, now she uses it. (I'd say the one floor living part is pretty important for most people as they age.)

I explored a lot of other options prior to our deciding on the in-law set up, and honestly, on a fixed income it is difficult to live even in a condo if there are condo fees and such after paying everything else. And if you own your own home, i.e. have assets, it can be difficult to get into "affordable" housing, but much of that probably depends on what the rules are where you live.

 

[NYCgrrl]

My mother lived in what most of you would call a condo apt until she was in her '90's and her doctors declared she could no longer live solo.
Her daughters discretely thanked the medical profession since we've been telling her it was time to move since she was in her '80's and decided it was time to downsize one more time, LOL.
In her latest apartment we suggested she ditch the tub and shower combo and change to a walk in shower; upgrade the lighting in the kitchen to include perimeter lighting at the floor; remove all raised door stops ( she did do that) install a drawer style dishwasher, remove any carpeting and install all the same type of smooth flooring throughout for ease of cleaning and walking w/ or w/o a walker and oh right and move in with one of us. She kept the bathtub (then expected one of us to come over regularly to bath her) and even made it harder to get in by installing shower doors. She accepted the idea of a drawer dishwasher as it was easier for her to get dishes out. She claimed her eyes worked fine thus rejecting the upgraded kitchen lighting...when her eyes finally degraded complained to her DDs who'd been wearing glasses since early childhood about the indignity -we giggled and said we dinna feel her pain. She tiled 1/3 of the space and carpeted the remainder. It's a bit over 10 years later and of course the carpeting needs to be replaced which impacts on her limited income. I offered to have new flooring installed but she needs to inspect the existing carpeting for her self.

She is now living in her elder daughter's mother/daughter house in Westchester and calling me regularly to ensure I'm cleaning her apartment properly. Mind you she used to call me to ask how to clean stuff....

Anyway it is what it is and try to make your space as easy as possible to care for without cutting costs with short lived improvements that you might not have the funds to repair/replace in the future is my best advice.

 

[wgeo]

Could I also mention mental health? We've focused on the physical aspects of aging and living alone, but I think that you shouldn't ignore the emotional and mental aspects of aging and living alone. Being connected to groups of people that you can enjoy hanging out with, giving you a reason to get up and going out of the house, or people that would check up on you if you didn't arrive somewhere is all very important too.

 

[design_mom]

My parents recently (within the last several months) sold their home of 40+ years and bought a condo. Their old house was beautiful, but the yard was 2.5 acres and it had quite a bit of maintenance needs. They were very reluctant to leave it, but the decision to do so was theirs. They had talked about it for years but I think the clincher for them was seeing some friends who *had* to leave their homes (not on their own terms). They decided to make the move while they could still make the decisions about what they wanted.

Their new place is about the same square footage of living space as their old home, but it lacks the basement. However, one of the bedrooms and one of the bathrooms are wheelchair accessible, which should help them stay in it longer. It is in a community that seems to be mostly filled with empty nesters and/or retirement age people, but it is not a retirement community. Some of the ladies do seem pretty social though, which I think will be good for my parents. And they seem to watch out for each other.

It was tough on my parents to make the decision (like I said, it took YEARS). Leaving all you know for something unknown is very difficult. However, now that they're "on the other side," they say they should have done it years ago. I'm just glad they did it while they were still able to make the decision for themselves and not because they "had to."

 

[ronandannette]

@ThistleMae, you are far from elderly and if you're not ready to contemplate leaving your home, think outside the box. If I were you I'd consider getting a roommate - someone who, in exchange for a reasonable rent, would also agree to do the heavier chores. It might take a little wherewithal to find the right person, but both the additional income and having someone to pitch in could be a real source of peace-of-mind. I wish you well.

 

[kathyk2]

Do you have high schools near you? Some schools require community service and you could get students to help you.

 

[kaytieeldr]

I might caution you against a townhome. My parents (73 and 78) live in one and have done so since their late 50s. My dad's arthritis in his ankle is now getting very severe and I think it's only a matter of time before he will be spending *some* of his time in a wheelchair or scooter. The stairs are going to be problematic at some point. So they already know that they are going to have to buy yet another place to live.

Wouldnt a stair lift be more economical? Plus, theyd avoid the stress of moving.

 

[ThistleMae]

You can have cats in the type of townhomes/duplexes I am talking about. You have your own yard and you can still let them out. They are really just homes with a shared wall. What I am talking about are not apartments and the ones she is looking at are still about 2200 square feet.

Oh, so thank you, a little research is in order.

 

[ThistleMae]

Can you look in your area for help? Does your town have something like Commission on Aging? We have that here, a government run program that helps the elderly. My Mom lived alone in a duplex, her rent covered snow shoveling/plowing in the winter and the grass mowing in the summer so she didn't have that to worry about or take care of on her own. But for things like window washing she had someone come from the commission on aging to do it for her. They have people who volunteer, at no charge to people who request their services. Household chores, even minor construction things, could be done by volunteers through the commission.

Or could you barter with a neighbor for help with things you can't do? If a neighbor shovels your walk, could you do something in return for them like bake a batch of cookies, or pet sit when they go on vacation? Work something out like that with them?

I know you said it would be difficult to move, but as you grow older that may be the best situation for you. My Mom lived in a senior citizen duplex, similar to what the PP (Micca) was talking about. She had a 2-bedroom duplex and the garages separated the living spaces between tenants. Her landlord at first said "no pets" but she asked him about a declawed cat and he said that was fine, so she did have a cat for several years while living there. Some places will take cats before they'll take dogs, it might be something to look into. Or you may have to give up the cats in order to move for your own well being.

You have given me some great suggestions to look into, thank you. But I will never give up my cats!

 

[ThistleMae]

I, too, am 61 and while DH and I still live in our home, he had a medical situation last Jan/Feb which had him in a nursing facility for 8 weeks. I was home alone with our big house in the middle of the winter. First thing I did was buy a snowblower I can handle. I got a small electric one, good for up to 6" of snow. It didn't do me much good during the storm where we had almost 5 feet of snow, but it sure was valuable for overnight snowfall, keeping the driveway, walkway, and path to the oil tank cleared. The important part to me was that I could move it in and out of the house, start it, and operate it without hurting myself. I also did little things like moved the trash barrels to the front porch so I didn't have to carry them as far, and moved the recycling containers from the basement to a room we rarely use, so I wasn't hauling bins up and down stairs. I was lucky when we had two Big Snows in that one of my neighbors came over with his huge snowblower and cleared about 90% of my driveway for me! However, we had some storms where I didn't want to bother the neighbors but that were too "big" for my snowblower, so I found a teenage boy to help out. He shoveled about half of the driveway (8" of snow) and all of my deck for $20. The deck had 3 feet of snow on it! This past summer (as DH's leg wasn't up to it), I did what I could with the front yard and hired out mowing the backyard to the same boy who did the shoveling last winter. It was worth the $10 to have someone help with mowing (our lot is 3/10 of an acre, so not very big) so I didn't wear myself out. Fortunately, DD and her boyfriend knew DH's recovery was slow and challenging, so they came up for a week-long visit and spent the time doing all the house things that I couldn't do on my own.

For me, it was key to keep things handy and manageable. No, it's not common to keep a snowblower and recycling bins in the front living room, but we don't use the room and that's what was convenient for me. I also got in the habit of stopping at the market every couple of days to get things I'd need, rather than doing a big shopping and have to lug all those groceries up 10 steps into the kitchen. I was going by the store anyhow, and although it took more time to stop every few days, it was easier in the long run. Maybe you can focus on things that need to be done and then how to make them easier/more convenient on you? Nobody is keeping a score card as to how you do things or how well you do them- you need to do what you can, however you can! Good luck...

Oh hey, I just thought. Would you consider a roommate? We have had grad students live with us at different times, when we've had the financial need and space in the house. Also, I have a friend who found a roommate for her mom. Not sure how she found or vetted him, but he pays a reduced rent in exchange for taking care of the house-stuff (yard work, small repairs, shoveling, etc.). Might be something to keep in mind.

I like how you think. I've made lots of small adjustments and right now I'm managing. But as I see how much harder things will get, I have to look at options that will work better for me. I live in a very rural community and there aren't many neighbors. I find what helps the most is changing how I look at each task. If I feel they are insurmountable....I struggle more. If I break things down to manageable smaller tasks, they don't seem as overwhelming. For example, I go out before the storm is over because shoveling less snow is easier, even if I have to end up doing the job 2 or 3 times before the storm is over. So sometimes it's about how I think about what I have to do. Does anyone else find this to be true?

 

[ThistleMae]

I know you said your kids don't live in the area but could they pay someone to do these things for you? I don't think it's a child's responsibility but I know my MIL and her siblings don't live near their mother but they pay for some of her necessities now that she is in her 80s. If I couldn't live near my mother I would definitely hire someone to do her shoveling/yard work and foot the bill. It would just make me feel better knowing that was taken care of for her.

It's finding someone that I can trust. I guess I need to work on this more. Thank you.

 

[Christine]

Wouldnt a stair lift be more economical? Plus, theyd avoid the stress of moving.

The stairs/stairway is very narrow and steep. It's a really tall, kind of narrow townhouse. I'm sure it could be done but I think they'd rather eventually get on one level. Also because it's an older townhouse community, a lot of the other townhomes have become rental properties. The turnover of people in the neighborhood is high and there are TONS of kids, which they've had some trouble with. They are actually really interested in an over-55 adult community.

 

[ThistleMae]

I do not live alone and I am not your age---but you asked what people have done themselves. . . DH and I bought into a new building last year--movedi nto a condo which we expect to be our forever home now that the kids are grown/out. We intentionally bought a condo so that we will not have to do exterior maintenance, snow remocvel, mow lawns, etc. And we intentionally bought small so that we have less to clean and maintain inside. The smaller place also costs less (both pruchase price and utilities---it doesn't take much to heat 800 sq feet---and the building fees are based on unit size so that rate stays low as well). 3 of the 6 ground floor units have cats which go outside.
I understand the move itself is both physicaly and emotionally difficult, but I think putting that off until you are in worse physical condition isn't going to make it easier--and getting yourself into an easier situation sooner will free you up to enjoy life instead of stressing about getting all the maintence done.

You have some very good points. On the one hand I think you're right, but emotionally I don't want to move. Maybe there's a middle ground...like searching for someplace I would want to live. That's another thing to think about because I don't have to necessarily stay in NH. Perhaps the first part of the plan should be...where do I want to live if I have to move?

 

[ThistleMae]

My nana is 85+ and still does her own yardwork! You're still so young. My mom plays in the USTA nationals in AZ in Jan in her mid 60s. You're just as old as you feel. I'd think you'd be fine for another 20 years if you want to. I'm in my 30s and wish there were 30s condo associations...it'd be awesome!

Thanks for the encouragement, and I do think I can safely stay in my home and manage for the next 5 years at least...but I should look into another plan that is more long term. It can take some time to sell a home, but then again you have to deal with what if it sells really quick. It's just so difficult to decide when. I need to think more on it. Thank you.

 

[ThistleMae]

The stairs/stairway is very narrow and steep. It's a really tall, kind of narrow townhouse. I'm sure it could be done but I think they'd rather eventually get on one level. Also because it's an older townhouse community, a lot of the other townhomes have become rental properties. The turnover of people in the neighborhood is high and there are TONS of kids, which they've had some trouble with. They are actually really interested in an over-55 adult community.

This is another reason I don't know if I want to live in a townhouse or complex....there are all those uncertainties to deal with. An over 55 community is more appealing but I may have to move a considerable distance to find one. It's worth looking into for sure.

 

[ThistleMae]

I agree with the idea of moving to somewhere where conditions are more suitable as you age, especially if you are alone. The problem with some of these places are their COST, and I think the key words in your post are that you're on a FIXED INCOME. I take that to mean that cost is one of your biggest considerations.

I know this isn't for everyone, but what we did for my mother when she got to the place that you are, and still had to work in order to make ends meet, was to build an in-law apartment onto our home for her. It worked for her, and it worked for us, since she was an hour+ away and it was hard with our working to go down there to take care of things or help her if she needed it all the time. Having her right here made it easier for everyone. And that's been true especially as she's aged - she's 92 now and has been with us for about 23 years.

When we built it, we made it handicap accessible, and it's all one floor living. I remember at the time, her saying she didn't need a sit down shower and all that, but guess what, now she uses it. (I'd say the one floor living part is pretty important for most people as they age.)

I explored a lot of other options prior to our deciding on the in-law set up, and honestly, on a fixed income it is difficult to live even in a condo if there are condo fees and such after paying everything else. And if you own your own home, i.e. have assets, it can be difficult to get into "affordable" housing, but much of that probably depends on what the rules are where you live.

You are correct....income is a consideration and I don't even know if a townhouse or over 55 community is affordable for me. Your mother's situation is idea. My sister had an addition put on her house for my parents and they lived and died there. She lost her husband and is now in Maine with her kids, and they are going to build her an in-law apartment. My youngest son is still mobile, renting. My daughter and son-inlaw own a home but are looking to move in a couple years, don't know where. Another son in Colorado has a home but not enough property to add on. So this is not an option for me right now. I have offered my daughter to move in with me, once her youngest graduates HS but she doesn't want to stay in NH, she wants to move someplace warmer, like Florida. Your mother is very lucky to have you. God Bless.

 

[ThistleMae]

My mother lived in what most of you would call a condo apt until she was in her '90's and her doctors declared she could no longer live solo.
Her daughters discretely thanked the medical profession since we've been telling her it was time to move since she was in her '80's and decided it was time to downsize one more time, LOL.
In her latest apartment we suggested she ditch the tub and shower combo and change to a walk in shower; upgrade the lighting in the kitchen to include perimeter lighting at the floor; remove all raised door stops ( she did do that) install a drawer style dishwasher, remove any carpeting and install all the same type of smooth flooring throughout for ease of cleaning and walking w/ or w/o a walker and oh right and move in with one of us. She kept the bathtub (then expected one of us to come over regularly to bath her) and even made it harder to get in by installing shower doors. She accepted the idea of a drawer dishwasher as it was easier for her to get dishes out. She claimed her eyes worked fine thus rejecting the upgraded kitchen lighting...when her eyes finally degraded complained to her DDs who'd been wearing glasses since early childhood about the indignity -we giggled and said we dinna feel her pain. She tiled 1/3 of the space and carpeted the remainder. It's a bit over 10 years later and of course the carpeting needs to be replaced which impacts on her limited income. I offered to have new flooring installed but she needs to inspect the existing carpeting for her self.

She is now living in her elder daughter's mother/daughter house in Westchester and calling me regularly to ensure I'm cleaning her apartment properly. Mind you she used to call me to ask how to clean stuff....

Anyway it is what it is and try to make your space as easy as possible to care for without cutting costs with short lived improvements that you might not have the funds to repair/replace in the future is my best advice.

This made me laugh. I definitely can see how things change as you age. My kids are in denial that this is ever going to happen to me. Are they in for some surprises!

 

[PollyannaMom]

Another consideration is to talk to people at your church, or maybe a community center in town. Kids from our church regularly help do yard work for people, sometimes they end up getting money, sometimes they get cookies, sometimes they get a thanks. Some of the kids do it because they like to help, some of the kids do it to get in their required volunteer hours for high school - but the end result is lots of seniors get helped out. Just another avenue to consider while you work out longer term plans.

Many schools now have community service requirements for high school graduation and there may be some kids that would be willing to take on the outside chores that you are struggling with.

I'm not in your situation yet, but I was going to say the same thing as these posters! MY DS has a 15-hours/year community service requirement. You could definitely call or e-mail the school (usually the guidance office for this sort of thing) and see if they are looking to place volunteers.

I also noticed some people also mentioned trading chores, and I think that's a great idea too if you can find the right people. (Do you like kids? Maybe someone needs an emergency babysitter for snow days, and would shovel in exchange?) I guess you would check churches or community centers for this one. - They might have bulletin boards, or maybe you'd talk directly to the pastor or secretary?

I like how you think. I've made lots of small adjustments and right now I'm managing. But as I see how much harder things will get, I have to look at options that will work better for me. I live in a very rural community and there aren't many neighbors. I find what helps the most is changing how I look at each task. If I feel they are insurmountable....I struggle more. If I break things down to manageable smaller tasks, they don't seem as overwhelming. For example, I go out before the storm is over because shoveling less snow is easier, even if I have to end up doing the job 2 or 3 times before the storm is over. So sometimes it's about how I think about what I have to do. Does anyone else find this to be true?

Absolutely!!

 

[Forevermarypoppins]

Good Morning! I'll share one small tip as I've had to help my parents wrangle thru so much in the last year.
Please find your local Adult/ Disabilty Resource Service agency. Call, make an appointment to speak with someone and go their with your concerns and questions.
They are an invaluable resource.

 

[cabanafrau]

Could I also mention mental health? We've focused on the physical aspects of aging and living alone, but I think that you shouldn't ignore the emotional and mental aspects of aging and living alone. Being connected to groups of people that you can enjoy hanging out with, giving you a reason to get up and going out of the house, or people that would check up on you if you didn't arrive somewhere is all very important too.

This is an extremely important consideration. This can have implications in a wide range of ways, particularly as we age. Isolation, lack of activity and mental stimulation, along with hearing and vision problems common in the elderly are all potential factors doctors are increasingly pointing to as contributors to the development of age-related dementia. Taking those factors into consideration in middle age isn't too early for anyone.

I'm not following your reasoning, OP, that on one hand you don't need to stay in NH and need to think about where you would like to move if necessary -- yet on the other hand you throw up your more remote location as a roadblock to the lack of various types of housing you might consider, for example, townhomes and over 55 communities? Make sure you're not being held hostage by the barriers of your own thoughts. You mention your daughter wants to move somewhere warmer, what about you? Any possibility she might be up for the two of you combining forces elsewhere? If not, would it make sense to attempt to relocate nearby the area she moves to? Keep your eyes and your mind open and I am sure you will find a new place where you will be happy and able to enjoy life without so much worry.