Living Alone as you Get Older...Choices

ThistleMae

Falling More in Love Every Year!
Joined
Jan 12, 2015
I am 63 years old and find myself living alone. It' s winter here and lots of work to do outdoors. For the most part I can manage but it's getting more and more difficult to keep up with things. We just had a storm and I find I have to go out and shovel before it stops snowing because the snow gets too heavy for me to shovel when it gets deep. I can't start the snow blower and have been looking on utube for fixes. Many people end up selling their homes because it gets to be too much to take care of. I'm on a fixed income, so I can't afford to hire people to help out. My kids are too far away to help. I have 3 cats, so selling and moving would be precarious at best. As I age, the realties associated with aging are fast approaching. Never mind what happens if I end up with some physical disabilities that prevent me from doing all I do now. Do other folks find themselves in similar situations? What have you done to make things better? I'd appreciate it if you shared your stories. I do try and be optimistic, but I'm beginning to think that the choices I have before me are not the ones I ever planned on having to make. Thank you.
 
Are you current in a single family home? Maybe you want to look into a townhouse or a duplex (two attached homes) in a neighborhood with an association that pays for the outside work. My mother is 73 and starting to think about that herself. She still lives in her house and does more yardwork and shoveling that people half her age. She says it helps keep her young, but I think she is realizing that it is getting harder and that is not how she wants to spend her time. So, she has started to look at townhomes. For the record, the places she is looking at (she still wants something decent sized and nice) are not really cheaper than her current home, yet everything will be brand new as opposed to her current home that is 30 years old. She is meticulous about maintenance, replacing things that need repair, etc. but she is at the point where she either needs to do some major work on the current house or move into something that will probably be a better choice in the long run. She is having trouble letting go...
 
Are you current in a single family home? Maybe you want to look into a townhouse or a duplex (two attached homes) in a neighborhood with an association that pays for the outside work. My mother is 73 and starting to think about that herself. She still lives in her house and does more yardwork and shoveling that people half her age. She says it helps keep her young, but I think she is realizing that it is getting harder and that is not how she wants to spend her time. So, she has started to look at townhomes. For the record, the places she is looking at (she still wants something decent sized and nice) are not really cheaper than her current home, yet everything will be brand new as opposed to her current home that is 30 years old. She is meticulous about maintenance, replacing things that need repair, etc. but she is at the point where she either needs to do some major work on the current house or move into something that will probably be a better choice in the long run. She is having trouble letting go...
Exactly! I'm not ready to let go...its so hard because there are more and more things to let go of as you age, including loved ones. I hadn't really thought about town houses because of my cats. They can go outside where I live now. And I don't want to spend all my time on home maintenance. I think the emotional component is a huge factor that doesn't get enough attention. Thank you for sharing your mother's story. And good for her that she has so much energy.
 
I'm closer to 61 than 60 and while I don't work out as hard as I used to I still do most of what I could at 40. I've found it's just a matter of continuing to do the day to day activities and not let the fact that I'm older stop me. Now, when I wake up I have to lay there for a few minutes and catalog my body to figure out what is going to need a little more stretching before I actually get out of bed. I used to get up and work out but since it takes about a hour for my bones to get lubricated now, I do it later in the day but I still work out at least 3 times a week, usually more. I eat semi-healthy (I had german chocolate cake for 2 meals day before yesterday) and only drink wine every once in while. My mother lived alone until about the last 3 months of her life, she had Lupus and was having so many heart attacks that we had to put her in a nursing home because my brother, SIL and myself all worked full time and it was killing us trying to take care of her at home. One of my best friends is 74 and lives alone and still works but she lives in a retirement community, she has a single family home in Florida and a townhouse in Arizona. Her kids live in Arizona but she splits her time between the two places (her business is in Florida) and since she lives in a community she can have all the help she wants or can do it herself. I have a grown son and a honey but I've told my son when I get to the place it's too hard to take care of myself, I'll put myself in a retirement community. I've already planned for it and have money set aside. I don't want him to have to take care of me.
 


You can have cats in the type of townhomes/duplexes I am talking about. You have your own yard and you can still let them out. They are really just homes with a shared wall. What I am talking about are not apartments and the ones she is looking at are still about 2200 square feet.
 
OP, I am 64 and in the same boat as you. I have been divorced for 26 years and never remarried. I'm still working. Are you working, outside your home? I have been in my house for almost 40 years. I have an older home on a small, city lot. Years ago, when I remodeled, I did things in anticipation of my "golden" years. I have a master bedroom and bath on the main floor. If I could do anything else, I would have a 1st floor laundry, so I wouldn't have to go to the basement. As far as outside...I have 2 areas in my back yard. One area I had a 6' tall privacy fence installed. This is my patio that contains my small, above-ground pool and allows my 2 dogs to run around a bit. It is my sanctuary in the summer! Right outside the privacy fence, I had a huge carport installed. It is big enough to park 2 cars (youngest DS and my cars). That alone, was worth every penny. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to not have to shovel snow off my car, before going to work! Right now, the only part I have to shovel is an area on the patio for the 2 dogs to be able to go out and the front steps, going to my front door. Someone on the street has a snow blower and goes down the entire sidewalk on my block whenever there is a snowfall. (Bless them!) I plan on staying in my home for good. The property taxes are low and I think I've managed to minimize the exterior work. You didn't say how big your property is but maybe you could check with your city and find an agency that helps seniors with snow shoveling?

TC :cool1:
 
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There are options for your own place that doesn't involve you having to do yard maintenance. My MIL lives in single family that is all one level and has association maintenance. It's a small place, but for her (she lives alone) it's plenty of space. She does not have pets, but she easily could. If you own your own home, it's probably the time to start considering your options. Get a realistic appraisal of your home's value, then start looking around for options that are in the same price range in your area. You might be surprised.
 


I'm not your age yet but at 53 I am already thinking about it. But I'm just one of those "overanalyzers."

In my opinion, I think you should be thinking about what is going to happen to you 10 years from today. Make decisions on your living arrangements today, while you are healthy and able, to fit your lifestyle in your 70s and 80s. You never want to get into a position where you are forced to make those choices on a short timeline.

The likelihood of you (even if you had a partner) being able to manage your home's exterior and other issues well into your 70s and 80s is not very good, if you are feeling like you do today.

I'm not sure where you live, but where I am we have quite a few "over 55" active adult communities where you either have a single family home, townhome, or condo and all of the stuff you are worried about is taken care of by the association that runs the community. The added bonus is that you are surrounded by a lot of people in your age bracket (generally from the age of 55 through 85), that have common interests and are looking for a sense of community.

I think you are smart to be thinking of this now and you should look for something like this and get into it in the next 2-3 years.

I might caution you against a townhome. My parents (73 and 78) live in one and have done so since their late 50s. My dad's arthritis in his ankle is now getting very severe and I think it's only a matter of time before he will be spending *some* of his time in a wheelchair or scooter. The stairs are going to be problematic at some point. So they already know that they are going to have to buy yet another place to live.
 
You can have cats in the type of townhomes/duplexes I am talking about. You have your own yard and you can still let them out. They are really just homes with a shared wall. What I am talking about are not apartments and the ones she is looking at are still about 2200 square feet.

I don't live along but we lived in a large house for more than 20 years and when the DDs grew up we moved to a condo with our two indoor/outdoor cats. It was a great lifestyle. The condo assoc took care of everything on the outside--both the house and the yard. We did get rid of a lot of stuff from our old house but our three bedroom condo still had plenty of space. We were connected to our neighbor's unit by the garage--i.e. both of our garages separated our living spaces. Never heard a peep out of them and they never complained about any noisy music or movies from our place. Another nice thing was we got to know our neighbors and met a lot of really nice people.

You might notice that all this is in past tense--we had to relocate due to DW's job and now we're back in a large-ish house. ;)
 
I'm not your age yet but at 53 I am already thinking about it. But I'm just one of those "overanalyzers."

In my opinion, I think you should be thinking about what is going to happen to you 10 years from today. Make decisions on your living arrangements today, while you are healthy and able, to fit your lifestyle in your 70s and 80s. You never want to get into a position where you are forced to make those choices on a short timeline.

The likelihood of you (even if you had a partner) being able to manage your home's exterior and other issues well into your 70s and 80s is not very good, if you are feeling like you do today.

I'm not sure where you live, but where I am we have quite a few "over 55" active adult communities where you either have a single family home, townhome, or condo and all of the stuff you are worried about is taken care of by the association that runs the community. The added bonus is that you are surrounded by a lot of people in your age bracket (generally from the age of 55 through 85), that have common interests and are looking for a sense of community.

I think you are smart to be thinking of this now and you should look for something like this and get into it in the next 2-3 years.

I might caution you against a townhome. My parents (73 and 78) live in one and have done so since their late 50s. My dad's arthritis in his ankle is now getting very severe and I think it's only a matter of time before he will be spending *some* of his time in a wheelchair or scooter. The stairs are going to be problematic at some point. So they already know that they are going to have to buy yet another place to live.[/QUOTE

I was using the term townhome loosely. There are townhome communities for over 55 that are on one story. Maybe calling them duplexes or connected patio homes is more accurate. I am speaking of one floor homes, not two-three or even four story "row" houses.
 
Can you look in your area for help? Does your town have something like Commission on Aging? We have that here, a government run program that helps the elderly. My Mom lived alone in a duplex, her rent covered snow shoveling/plowing in the winter and the grass mowing in the summer so she didn't have that to worry about or take care of on her own. But for things like window washing she had someone come from the commission on aging to do it for her. They have people who volunteer, at no charge to people who request their services. Household chores, even minor construction things, could be done by volunteers through the commission.

Or could you barter with a neighbor for help with things you can't do? If a neighbor shovels your walk, could you do something in return for them like bake a batch of cookies, or pet sit when they go on vacation? Work something out like that with them?

I know you said it would be difficult to move, but as you grow older that may be the best situation for you. My Mom lived in a senior citizen duplex, similar to what the PP (Micca) was talking about. She had a 2-bedroom duplex and the garages separated the living spaces between tenants. Her landlord at first said "no pets" but she asked him about a declawed cat and he said that was fine, so she did have a cat for several years while living there. Some places will take cats before they'll take dogs, it might be something to look into. Or you may have to give up the cats in order to move for your own well being.
 
Another consideration is to talk to people at your church, or maybe a community center in town. Kids from our church regularly help do yard work for people, sometimes they end up getting money, sometimes they get cookies, sometimes they get a thanks. Some of the kids do it because they like to help, some of the kids do it to get in their required volunteer hours for high school - but the end result is lots of seniors get helped out. Just another avenue to consider while you work out longer term plans.
 
Do you belong to any groups (Church, Activities, etc)? They might have some sort of help available, youth groups looking for things to volunteer.

Or perhaps you have a neighbor you could swap work with... they shovel snow in the winter, you could help with lawn/gardening in spring. Or any other sort of work you can swap, even baking/cooking!

I did this with elderly neighbors at my last home (though I would have gladly done it for nothing)... I helped with whatever they needed.. snow, lawn mowing, moving something heavy... and they "paid" me with vegetables from their summer garden. :flower3:

ETA ---- LOL! I type too slow... above posters beat me to it!
 
I agree with others that long term, a move might be your best choice. My mom is in a senior community in a single family, single story home. They take care of everything outside (grass, snow) except for a very small bit of a garden by the front door that each homeowner can plant whatever they choose. This works out quite well (she's 84). For the time you are in your home, in addition to some of the other suggestions made here I'd like to add that you can talk to someone at the nearby high school. Many schools now have community service requirements for high school graduation and there may be some kids that would be willing to take on the outside chores that you are struggling with.
 
I, too, am 61 and while DH and I still live in our home, he had a medical situation last Jan/Feb which had him in a nursing facility for 8 weeks. I was home alone with our big house in the middle of the winter. First thing I did was buy a snowblower I can handle. I got a small electric one, good for up to 6" of snow. It didn't do me much good during the storm where we had almost 5 feet of snow, but it sure was valuable for overnight snowfall, keeping the driveway, walkway, and path to the oil tank cleared. The important part to me was that I could move it in and out of the house, start it, and operate it without hurting myself. I also did little things like moved the trash barrels to the front porch so I didn't have to carry them as far, and moved the recycling containers from the basement to a room we rarely use, so I wasn't hauling bins up and down stairs. I was lucky when we had two Big Snows in that one of my neighbors came over with his huge snowblower and cleared about 90% of my driveway for me! However, we had some storms where I didn't want to bother the neighbors but that were too "big" for my snowblower, so I found a teenage boy to help out. He shoveled about half of the driveway (8" of snow) and all of my deck for $20. The deck had 3 feet of snow on it! This past summer (as DH's leg wasn't up to it), I did what I could with the front yard and hired out mowing the backyard to the same boy who did the shoveling last winter. It was worth the $10 to have someone help with mowing (our lot is 3/10 of an acre, so not very big) so I didn't wear myself out. Fortunately, DD and her boyfriend knew DH's recovery was slow and challenging, so they came up for a week-long visit and spent the time doing all the house things that I couldn't do on my own.

For me, it was key to keep things handy and manageable. No, it's not common to keep a snowblower and recycling bins in the front living room, but we don't use the room and that's what was convenient for me. I also got in the habit of stopping at the market every couple of days to get things I'd need, rather than doing a big shopping and have to lug all those groceries up 10 steps into the kitchen. I was going by the store anyhow, and although it took more time to stop every few days, it was easier in the long run. Maybe you can focus on things that need to be done and then how to make them easier/more convenient on you? Nobody is keeping a score card as to how you do things or how well you do them- you need to do what you can, however you can! Good luck...

Oh hey, I just thought. Would you consider a roommate? We have had grad students live with us at different times, when we've had the financial need and space in the house. Also, I have a friend who found a roommate for her mom. Not sure how she found or vetted him, but he pays a reduced rent in exchange for taking care of the house-stuff (yard work, small repairs, shoveling, etc.). Might be something to keep in mind.
 
I bought a townhome because I don't have the time, energy, or desire to take care of exterior home maintenance. We had a shingle come off in a wind storm and it was repaired within 48 hours of putting in a request. The driveway and sidewalks are plowed/shoveled, I just have to sprinkle salt on my front steps.

I do know that I will have to move if and when I struggle with stairs. Unlike many of my peers, however, I am not currently house poor so I am not concerned about being able to afford a move to a one-story place when necessary.
 
I know you said your kids don't live in the area but could they pay someone to do these things for you? I don't think it's a child's responsibility but I know my MIL and her siblings don't live near their mother but they pay for some of her necessities now that she is in her 80s. If I couldn't live near my mother I would definitely hire someone to do her shoveling/yard work and foot the bill. It would just make me feel better knowing that was taken care of for her.
 
I do not live alone and I am not your age---but you asked what people have done themselves. . . DH and I bought into a new building last year--movedi nto a condo which we expect to be our forever home now that the kids are grown/out. We intentionally bought a condo so that we will not have to do exterior maintenance, snow remocvel, mow lawns, etc. And we intentionally bought small so that we have less to clean and maintain inside. The smaller place also costs less (both pruchase price and utilities---it doesn't take much to heat 800 sq feet---and the building fees are based on unit size so that rate stays low as well). 3 of the 6 ground floor units have cats which go outside.
I understand the move itself is both physicaly and emotionally difficult, but I think putting that off until you are in worse physical condition isn't going to make it easier--and getting yourself into an easier situation sooner will free you up to enjoy life instead of stressing about getting all the maintence done.
 
My nana is 85+ and still does her own yardwork! You're still so young. My mom plays in the USTA nationals in AZ in Jan in her mid 60s. You're just as old as you feel. I'd think you'd be fine for another 20 years if you want to. I'm in my 30s and wish there were 30s condo associations...it'd be awesome!
 
I agree with the pp who talked about planning for the future. My bil's parents stayed in their house way too long. It slowly became too much to handle and even with everyone pitching in to help, it was difficult. Everyone said they should have moved into a condo years ago so they would not have the massive upkeep and responsibility of a house when it became too much but was too late to move at that point. bil's dad died a lingering death and could not do much in the years prior to his death, as he was too weak. His mom started showing signs of dementia and it was just a mess. She lived alone for a bit, but it was clear she was not safe so she is now in a nursing home.

OP is not in this situation, but I agree to think ahead ten to twenty years.
 

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