I need some unbiased opinions...

[HannaBelle]

I did ask for opinions and I appreciate the comments. I just needed to get out of my own head.

I do not have a bad relationship with my father in law. He is a nice person and very kind. It just rambles on and tries my patience.

(My MIL was not, she quite horrible. I called her out on not being an authentic person once and she readily admitted to behaving differently with different people b/c she becomes what each person needed. Umm, what???)

What it boils down to is that I would never even consider excluding someone else. Even family dogs are welcome at our house.

 

[Wendy31]

OP, you've been given some thoughtful opinions & advice, & I think you realize what the right thing to do is.

I don't want it to feel like we're all piling on you because I know family dynamics can be difficult & stressful to navigate - especially during the holidays.

But, just one more thing to consider in case you have children, even if you don't discuss the various issues w/ them, they still see & will remember.

I did not do a very good job including DH's parents when our 2 older children younger, & I regret that now. Now, that I'm older (& maybe wiser), I try to treat both my parents & DH's mom (his dad has passed away) fairly & remember that, some day, I'll be a mother-in-law.

 

[VandVsmama]

What should you do?

Suck it up this holiday season and host everybody for whatever meal you decide you're going to host at your house. Why? The guy's wife just died. Even if your MIL was a manipulative mean horrible person, your FIL is still going through a grieving process and the 1st **anything** after a loss like that is really hard.

 

[HannaBelle]

You are suggesting that he forgo the holiday's with HIS family?

Not at all.

My husband’s family will gather and celebrate on Thanksgiving Day and Christmas Day at my brother’s house.

My extended family will have separate celebrations.

We attend 2 Thanksgiving’s and 2 Christmas’ each year.

 

[Wendy31]

It’s a typed response on the internet. Why are you so obsessed with my response. Move along now

Wow. Your responses seem a little charged & overly aggressive.

 

[HannaBelle]

OP, you've been given some thoughtful opinions & advice, & I think you realize what the right thing to do is.

I don't want it to feel like we're all piling on you because I know family dynamics can be difficult & stressful to navigate - especially during the holidays.

But, just one more thing to consider in case you have children, even if you don't discuss the various issues w/ them, they still see & will remember.

I did not do a very good job including DH's parents when our 2 older children younger, & I regret that now. Now, that I'm older (& maybe wiser), I try to treat both my parents & DH's mom (his dad has passed away) fairly & remember that, some day, I'll be a mother-in-law.

Our kids are 26 & 22.

When they were little, I tired very hard to foster a relationship with my MIL. She was just too self-absorbed.

 

[disneychrista]

Not at all.

I figured that out when I read the other posts. When I read "Is it reasonable for my father in law to attend all events with the "Maiden Name" side?" I took it to mean you wanted him to attend ONLY those events not exclude him from such events.


I agree with posters that are saying since he is living with your brother & his daughter that he is now part of the "larger" family and should be invited to all events.

Growing up all/most holidays included my dad's brother and maternal grandmother, my mom's sister & family. It just was the way it was.

 

[DietCoke18]

Wow. Your responses seem a little charged & overly aggressive.

Again. It’s words on a page. How on earth is it overly aggressive? I can’t with this board.

 

[SC Minnie]

OP you know the right thing to do. Extend the invite, it doesn't mean he and the younger sister will attend. They may decide do to something on those days since it's not the actual holiday or they may decide to come along.

Saying all of that I get where you're coming from. This year my mother has invited my niece's entire extended family for Christmas and I don't like it. I haven't said anything to her but these people aren't my family. My niece's MIL/FIL/ BIL's wife and daughter (BIL isn't invited since they are going through a divorce and the wife asked my mother if she could come since she doesn't have family to be with)/and my niece's mother who has been divorced from my brother for over 20 years. My exSIL's sister and her husband were invited but they're going out of town. I don't like it. I feel that all these people are encroaching on my family's holiday. I'm going to suck it up and play nice though. I haven't told DH that all of these people will be there on Thanksgiving yet. He may claim he has to work to get out of having to go. Thankfully if they get on my nerves I can make an excuse and go home early.

 

[focusondisney]

I did ask for opinions and I appreciate the comments. I just needed to get out of my own head.

I do not have a bad relationship with my father in law. He is a nice person and very kind. It just rambles on and tries my patience.

(My MIL was not, she quite horrible. I called her out on not being an authentic person once and she readily admitted to behaving differently with different people b/c she becomes what each person needed. Umm, what???)

What it boils down to is that I would never even consider excluding someone else. Even family dogs are welcome at our house.

This is not going to come across well & I’m sure I will be criticized just for posting it. But, reading what I bolded... He is a nice person & very kind... you would even welcome a dog. But you are even considering excluding a very nice & kind man.... because he rambles on?? You would treat a dog better than him because he rambles? That just doesn’t seem right.

 

[SaintsManiac]

This is not going to come across well & I’m sure I will be criticized just for posting it. But, reading what I bolded... He is a nice person & very kind...l you would even welcome a dog. But you are even considering excluding a very nice & kind man.... because he rambles on?? You would treat a dog better than him because he rambles? That just doesn’t seem right.

This confuses me, as well.

Threads like this make me grateful about going out of town for Thanksgiving.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

This confuses me, as well.

Threads like this make me grateful about going out of town for Thanksgiving.

Going out of town just means I miss 2 Thanksgivings..I'd still have to go to my father-in-law's. Same for Christmas too. That's because thankfully they don't try to do it anymore ON the day. One year we went to 4 Christmases in 1 day going to 4 different cities (granted 2 were close together but still was a 45min drive home at 11:30pm). The other subsequent years father-in-law went out of town but even though he's back in town (because his now wife moved here) they still have Thanksgiving and Christmas on separate days than the actual day.

 

[SaintsManiac]

Going out of town just means I miss 2 Thanksgivings..I'd still have to go to my father-in-law's. Same for Christmas too. That's because thankfully they don't try to do it anymore ON the day. One year we went to 4 Christmases in 1 day going to 4 different cities (granted 2 were close together but still was a 45min drive home at 11:30pm). The other subsequent years father-in-law went out of town but even though he's back in town (because his now wife moved here) they still have Thanksgiving and Christmas on separate days than the actual day.

Yeah see, I just don’t go. For 7 years we went to 2 Christmases on Christmas Day. In the car for hours and exhausting ourselves. I won’t do it now.

We alternate years.

 

[Hisgirl]

Wait, this is your husband's father? Let him decide. Also, put yourself in the other shoes. If it were your father, and it was your husband questioning his attending your family gatherings, how would you feel?

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Yeah see, I just don’t go. For 7 years we went to 2 Christmases on Christmas Day. In the car for hours and exhausting ourselves. I won’t do it now.

We alternate years.

If the family lived far enough away I could see doing that. But they live here so yeah. Sometimes I'd like to say no though . If we keep to a routine it usually works out fine. It's when all of a sudden one side wants to change things it messes it up. Normally Thanksgiving is fine it's Christmas that gets wonkier.

My cousin long ago because her husband's family lives a few states away they have Thanksgiving there and Christmas with us.

My family (which I only have my mom's side) is chill about it all. My family is like "we'd love for you to come but if you can't you can't" OR you'll come after things are done like my cousin does now because his wife's family does things that interfere with ours timing wise so he opts to have his wife's family be the priority and comes later (and that means we see him briefly as we're now off to my husband's mom's side).

My husband's 2 sides...lot harder to work it out. I'll mention we don't have kids at the moment so in terms of planning if we did that would more weigh on our side of "hey this really doesn't work out" kind of thing. As is it's just more of a mild annoyance.

 

[focusondisney]

This confuses me, as well.

Threads like this make me grateful about going out of town for Thanksgiving.

Threads like these make me grateful my parents welcomed everyone to their home. And my siblings & I learned to do the same just by living it.

This just makes me sad & I don’t even know the man.

 

[SaintsManiac]

Threads like these make me grateful my parents welcomed everyone to their home. And my siblings & I learned to do the same just by living it.

This just makes me sad & I don’t even know the man.

yes we always have extended groups of people at both sides. Friends, long lost cousins, neighbors, etc.

 

[SaintsManiac]

If the family lived far enough away I could see doing that. But they live here so yeah. Sometimes I'd like to say no though . If we keep to a routine it usually works out fine. It's when all of a sudden one side wants to change things it messes it up. Normally Thanksgiving is fine it's Christmas that gets wonkier.

My cousin long ago because her husband's family lives a few states away they have Thanksgiving there and Christmas with us.

My family (which I only have my mom's side) is chill about it all. My family is like "we'd love for you to come but if you can't you can't" OR you'll come after things are done like my cousin does now because his wife's family does things that interfere with ours timing wise so he opts to have his wife's family be the priority and comes later (and that means we see him briefly as we're now off to my husband's mom's side).

My husband's 2 sides...lot harder to work it out. I'll mention we don't have kids at the moment so in terms of planning if we did that would more weigh on our side of "hey this really doesn't work out" kind of thing. As is it's just more of a mild annoyance.

Yep I got tired of dragging my kid all over south Louisiana when she just wants to stay in PJs and play with her new stuff.

 

[wilbret]

I'm torn on this one. I'm here to say I understand and empathize. I have to deal with in-law stuff every.single.holiday.
On this one, I think circumstances mean that you'll need to deal with it and have him around. You won't have to like it, though.

I feel for you... good luck.

 

[sharona]

OP- I get it, but you already knew the right thing to do before you posted.

We have an open table tradition on holidays at my house. Any friends or family, neighbors or coworkers, who don’t have any place to go are welcome. That’s how my mom did it and it’s a tradition I’m happy to carry on.